To ask friend to explain or don't talk about it

[MaggieMagpie1]

I have a friend who I've known for the best part of 30 odd years. I wouldn't say we were particularly close but we see one another fairly regularly.

Last year on a night out, after we'd had a couple of drinks he started talking about something that had a happened a few years ago. He didn't say when or what it was, but alluded to the fact that something traumatic had happened to him. Immediately, a few of us were concerned and asked a couple of questions but he didn't want to say much more than it was something awful, and that he didn't know how he'd got through it. When we were talking later on, I said that if he wanted to talk it through then I would be there to listen. I followed that up with a text message a few days later , but he came back and said he didn't want to talk about it yet, but he'd let me know when he did.

Since then, we've met up a few times, and he hints around the subject every time, but never says any more. I've tried staying quiet to just allow him to talk, asking vague questions, asking not so vague questions, being completely direct and asking him to tell me about it, but he never says anything more.

I totally respect his right not to give me any details if he doesn't want to. It's none of my business and I've got enough of my own stuff to deal with, I'm beginning to dread meeting up now, because it's bound to come up again but with no resolution. I should probably add that every time it's brought up I begin to feel quite anxious as I don't like to think about what awful thing could have happened

I feel bad about getting annoyed with this and I feel like a bad friend but would it be awful if told him to tell me what it was or not to bring it up every time we see one another?

Did it happen during a fishing trip?

🤣

But OP, no you are not unreasonable. It comes across as attention seeking and very annoying.

The next time he hints, then say "either tell us what it's about so we can talk about it properly or give over with the drama"

It does come across as attention seeking. Is he normally like that?

Attention-seeking behaviour. Don’t validate it - if he brings it up again completely ignore it so no probing, no concern, just nod and carry on with the conversation as if he hasn’t mentioned it.

This is the RL equivalent of checking into the local hospital on FB
Just say are you alright hun!

@neverknowinglyunreasonable 😁Love it!

@WeAreOnTheRoadToNowhere This is exactly what I was thinking as I typed it.

I wouldn’t have said that he’s normally an attention seeker though which is why I’m finding it all a bit odd

As someone with PTSD, sometimes I want to tell people about the traumatic event but I find that I can't (because of afore-mentioned PTSD). So I guess I sometimes hint around it hoping someone will guess and I'll be able to nod. Even if I then can't talk about it. Trauma does funny things to your brain.

Of course, he could just be an attention seeker!

This. Ignore all hints. Blank it completely until he says anything direct. You can always say later 'I didn't want to push you into talking before you were ready'

I've known so many people who do this and it drives me up the walls. They don't really want your support, they want attention and for you to fuss over them to try and find out what happened. I would brush this behaviour off and change the topic of conversation.

He shouldn't need to give you details, talking about a traumatic event can be really hard to do, he may be wanting to say it but not able to. If I was him and you told me to stop talking about it unless I give you details that would be the end of the friendship for me.

@mynameiscalypso I get this. I don’t have PTSD but understand the ‘wanting to talk to someone but not being able to’ thing. I honestly have tried to make it as easy as I can. Me guessing what it could be is dangerous too though isn’t it? What if it was totally the wrong thing?

Its unreasonable to ask him not to talk about it all, not wanting to to into the details of a traumatic event is

If he wants to open up more in time he will.

However, you don't have to ask probing questions as a way of support, simply acknowledging that you know he doesnt want to speak about it more and moving on is reasonable response.

The only person I knew who did this really did have something unspeakably horrific happen and desperately wanted to talk but was just paralysed by the sheer horror of it every time they tried to confide.

This indeed

If he talks about it again, can you perhaps, in a nice way, encourage him to seek someone professional to talk to about it?
Tell him that you are there for him, but that a counselor/psychiatrist/clergyperson/spiritual leader (whichever would suit him) might be able to listen better and give him support.

I think you need to say 'You've told me that you don't want to talk about it so it's probably best that we avoid the subject don't you.'

I would find it annoying and attention seeking aswell but I would probably just listen and not ask any questions / comment as it’s unclear what this traumatic situation was

I don't see why you need to guess. Just ask how you can support him? You don't need details.

Like someone else above says, if you told me not to bring up the subject again it would be the end of the friendship. If you think the friendship has run its course and you don't want to be involved then let it drift.

Trauma is difficult and complex. This event happened to him several years ago so it's buried well and is not easy to bring to the surface. Yet he can't stop mentioning it because it will be causing him huge distress.

Don't try to force it out of him, that would also be distressing. It will come out to you when he is ready. Meanwhile, you don't need to - and shouldn't - keep asking him questions about it. When he brings the subject up you can acknowledge it and repeat your offer of listening, every time.

"I know whatever happened is causing you distress. I'm always going to listen to you if you ever want to talk about it."
"I will always listen when you want to talk, that will never change."
Etc.

Best response ever! 😂

I should probably add that every time it's brought up I begin to feel quite anxious as I don't like to think about what awful thing could have happened

Meeeeeeeeeee!!!

What @mynameiscalypso said had never occurred to me before. It’s useful to know that.

With that in mind, maybe next time he alludes to the event perhaps you could say something like, apologies if I’m not understanding properly but I know you don’t want to tell me what happened so does referencing it give you some comfort? Say you’re worried about him and the longer he seems stuck with this trauma the more it worries you. You might even be thinking of possibilities in your head that are way worse than what happened maybe. Tell him you respect his decision not to tell you but at this stage he really needs to talk to someone, ideally a professional who will be able to help him ease the pain he is in.

If he refuses, then I think it would be fair to say he is attention seeking even if he isn’t being deliberately manipulative. In that case, the next time he mentioned it I would say, “I really am sorry that happened to you but I really don’t know what to say.” That would probably close the subject otherwise he would have to give more information.

I finally told my mum that one of her & my dad’s friends raped me when I was 16 — I was about 50 when I told her. It was a huge relief to tell.
She said, “if it happened so long ago, why are you still talking about it??”
I never spoke about it again to anyone in my private life.
Maybe he’s ashamed. When bad things happen to us, we take on all the shame - I don’t know why.

Agreed, even if he were to confide in you this would still be the appropriate response ^

Perhaps suggest that he writes about it and about how he feels in a journal. There’s reliable research that shows that this helps