To ask friend to explain or don't talk about it

[MaggieMagpie1]

I have a friend who I've known for the best part of 30 odd years. I wouldn't say we were particularly close but we see one another fairly regularly.

Last year on a night out, after we'd had a couple of drinks he started talking about something that had a happened a few years ago. He didn't say when or what it was, but alluded to the fact that something traumatic had happened to him. Immediately, a few of us were concerned and asked a couple of questions but he didn't want to say much more than it was something awful, and that he didn't know how he'd got through it. When we were talking later on, I said that if he wanted to talk it through then I would be there to listen. I followed that up with a text message a few days later , but he came back and said he didn't want to talk about it yet, but he'd let me know when he did.

Since then, we've met up a few times, and he hints around the subject every time, but never says any more. I've tried staying quiet to just allow him to talk, asking vague questions, asking not so vague questions, being completely direct and asking him to tell me about it, but he never says anything more.

I totally respect his right not to give me any details if he doesn't want to. It's none of my business and I've got enough of my own stuff to deal with, I'm beginning to dread meeting up now, because it's bound to come up again but with no resolution. I should probably add that every time it's brought up I begin to feel quite anxious as I don't like to think about what awful thing could have happened

I feel bad about getting annoyed with this and I feel like a bad friend but would it be awful if told him to tell me what it was or not to bring it up every time we see one another?

Definitely, I hate when people do this.

It’s the sympathy they’re after. Probably nothing really even happened. Jusy
t one of those people who has a secret. I don’t fall for that crap

People can seek sympathy, or empathy, and not be able or ready to share. It’s a sign of trust that he feels he can begin to allude to something. All you can do, imho, is be ready to say you feel he has something to share, but there’s probably somebody professional better placed to help. I wouldn’t be too quick to assume it was negative attention-seeking behaviour.

Wow there are some really unpleasant people in here.

Wow, some of these replies are heartless. Talk about an obtuse lack of empathy.

I suspect he was the victim of a sexual assault. That's the kind of traumatic incident that results in the inability to talk about it whilst desperately needing to.

Yes OP, it would be awful to tell your suffering friend to cough it up or shut up.

I think you can hold a space but take away any expectation for him to share details.

Try not to let your mind run to different possibilities or feel that you have to find a way for him to disclose, which likely adds anxiety to the situation.

Agree with encouraging him to get professional support. Not sure journaling about it without having the support in place first is a good idea (it wouldn’t be for me).