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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask friend to explain or don't talk about it

56 replies

MaggieMagpie1 · 27/01/2025 16:34

I have a friend who I've known for the best part of 30 odd years. I wouldn't say we were particularly close but we see one another fairly regularly.

Last year on a night out, after we'd had a couple of drinks he started talking about something that had a happened a few years ago. He didn't say when or what it was, but alluded to the fact that something traumatic had happened to him. Immediately, a few of us were concerned and asked a couple of questions but he didn't want to say much more than it was something awful, and that he didn't know how he'd got through it. When we were talking later on, I said that if he wanted to talk it through then I would be there to listen. I followed that up with a text message a few days later , but he came back and said he didn't want to talk about it yet, but he'd let me know when he did.

Since then, we've met up a few times, and he hints around the subject every time, but never says any more. I've tried staying quiet to just allow him to talk, asking vague questions, asking not so vague questions, being completely direct and asking him to tell me about it, but he never says anything more.

I totally respect his right not to give me any details if he doesn't want to. It's none of my business and I've got enough of my own stuff to deal with, I'm beginning to dread meeting up now, because it's bound to come up again but with no resolution. I should probably add that every time it's brought up I begin to feel quite anxious as I don't like to think about what awful thing could have happened

I feel bad about getting annoyed with this and I feel like a bad friend but would it be awful if told him to tell me what it was or not to bring it up every time we see one another?

OP posts:
SleepDeprivedElf · 28/01/2025 06:28

Yes definitely help him to seek therapy without even asking what it is. If he works for a larger company, they often have an EAP employee support service which may be quicker than the GP.

Zanatdy · 28/01/2025 06:30

Sounds like he is gearing up to talking about it, but not quite there. If he is a good friend, be patient, if not, avoid meeting up is your best option.

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 28/01/2025 06:36

DreamTheMoors · 28/01/2025 05:38

I finally told my mum that one of her & my dad’s friends raped me when I was 16 — I was about 50 when I told her. It was a huge relief to tell.
She said, “if it happened so long ago, why are you still talking about it??”
I never spoke about it again to anyone in my private life.
Maybe he’s ashamed. When bad things happen to us, we take on all the shame - I don’t know why.

I'm so sorry that happened to you - both the rape and your mother's response. I hope you got proper support from elsewhere.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 28/01/2025 06:44

He may be genuinely finding it hard to get the words out or he may be attention seeking because he’s lonely and desperate, so be kind. You might tell him kindly that he’s clearly not ready to tell you what happened and you’re uncomfortable with him starting and stopping because it makes you tense. So please can be stop bringing it up with you. Telling a therapist would be safer and you suggest he finds one, or else googles to find an appropriate support line or even rings the Samaritans.

user1492757084 · 28/01/2025 07:09

Next time he hints at the horrific experience look him directly in the eye and say that you are sorry something traumatic happened to him and that it must be difficult to talk about and that you have decided that you are NOT at all the right person to unburden to.
Hand him a card with a list of three or four local trauma counsellors. Tell him that the sessions would be private and professional. And much better than having a dark ominous cloud over our coffee meet ups.

Then forget about it.

GreyCarpet · 28/01/2025 07:12

Don't say anything.

It may be that he's attention seeking and he is choosing not to say anymore because there's nothing really to say. In which case, ignoring will mean that it loses any appeal for him.

Or it maybe that it was something serious that he is building himself up to taking about but isn't quite ready to say out loud yet and he's just experimenting with thinking and talking about it in front of other people.

I was raped when was 20. I didn't tell anyone until I was 43. It took a very long time for me to accept that that was what it was and, in the few months before i told my closest friend, it was working it's way forward and becoming more forefront in my mind. I hadn't realised until I read this but I think I probably dropped hints but didn't elaborate because I wasn't ready until I was.

This bit though...

I should probably add that every time it's brought up I begin to feel quite anxious as I don't like to think about what awful thing could have happened

Is you making it about you.

You'd don't need to sit there imagining what awful thing could have happened.

Presumably, he's a good enough friend for you to know whether attention seeking (or insert other possible trauma response) is something he does?

StrawberrySquash · 28/01/2025 07:14

GreyCarpet · 28/01/2025 07:12

Don't say anything.

It may be that he's attention seeking and he is choosing not to say anymore because there's nothing really to say. In which case, ignoring will mean that it loses any appeal for him.

Or it maybe that it was something serious that he is building himself up to taking about but isn't quite ready to say out loud yet and he's just experimenting with thinking and talking about it in front of other people.

I was raped when was 20. I didn't tell anyone until I was 43. It took a very long time for me to accept that that was what it was and, in the few months before i told my closest friend, it was working it's way forward and becoming more forefront in my mind. I hadn't realised until I read this but I think I probably dropped hints but didn't elaborate because I wasn't ready until I was.

This bit though...

I should probably add that every time it's brought up I begin to feel quite anxious as I don't like to think about what awful thing could have happened

Is you making it about you.

You'd don't need to sit there imagining what awful thing could have happened.

Presumably, he's a good enough friend for you to know whether attention seeking (or insert other possible trauma response) is something he does?

I don't think it is. It's acknowledging the effect it's having on OP. Something bad has clearly happened and we build it up when the imagination is all we have.

Happyinarcon · 28/01/2025 07:17

Aside from your friend’s issue, I think you need tighten up those emotional boundaries otherwise you’ll end up absorbing everyone’s trauma as if it’s your own.

McCheck · 28/01/2025 07:20

DreamTheMoors · 28/01/2025 05:38

I finally told my mum that one of her & my dad’s friends raped me when I was 16 — I was about 50 when I told her. It was a huge relief to tell.
She said, “if it happened so long ago, why are you still talking about it??”
I never spoke about it again to anyone in my private life.
Maybe he’s ashamed. When bad things happen to us, we take on all the shame - I don’t know why.

Your mother’s response came from shock I hope! You deserve support and I hope you have someone to share with and let go of all the emotions this brought you 💐

SleepToad · 28/01/2025 07:37

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 27/01/2025 16:43

Did it happen during a fishing trip?

So male rape is funny? Sorry but imagine if someone came on here joking about a woman potentially being sexualy assaulted.

If this is out of character for your friend op, could you not gently say something like " it's clear you want to talk about something important that's happened to you and you know I am here for you, but it may be better to talk to someone who is a stranger and is qualified to help you with it like a councillor"

TorroFerney · 28/01/2025 07:51

McCheck · 28/01/2025 07:20

Your mother’s response came from shock I hope! You deserve support and I hope you have someone to share with and let go of all the emotions this brought you 💐

Show quote history

Well let’s hope it did but there’s no indication that the mother came back later and acted in an emotionally mature way. I was sexually assaulted when I was 11, it happened as I was left in an insecure apartment late at night whilst my parents went out boozing. My mum tried to hug me after, I didn’t want contact so froze and didn’t reciprocate, her response „don’t start that“.

TorroFerney · 28/01/2025 07:52

DreamTheMoors · 28/01/2025 05:38

I finally told my mum that one of her & my dad’s friends raped me when I was 16 — I was about 50 when I told her. It was a huge relief to tell.
She said, “if it happened so long ago, why are you still talking about it??”
I never spoke about it again to anyone in my private life.
Maybe he’s ashamed. When bad things happen to us, we take on all the shame - I don’t know why.

Im so sorry . That does resonate with me, the shame . I’m so sorry your mother was useless.

gannett · 28/01/2025 07:59

MaggieMagpie1 · 27/01/2025 17:14

@neverknowinglyunreasonable 😁Love it!

@WeAreOnTheRoadToNowhere This is exactly what I was thinking as I typed it.

I wouldn’t have said that he’s normally an attention seeker though which is why I’m finding it all a bit odd

If he's not usually the attention-seeking type then I'd assume it's something fairly serious that he can't quite bring himself to say out loud yet, even if he desperately wants to.

People who do this for attention usually have form for it. A lot of form. They never stop.

If he doesn't want to talk about specifics, I'd meet him at his level and talk generalities. Talk about trauma and responses to trauma in the abstract. Maybe a related case that's been in the news or how someone else you know tackled something similar. Definitely underline how important therapy can be. It can be very useful to be able to talk about the general thing you've been through without necessarily opening yourself up.

WhatNoRaisins · 28/01/2025 08:03

I think a lot of us would find this hard if it kept happening. It wouldn't be unreasonable to get to a point where you had to shut this conversation down but try to do so kindly and urge him to seek proper support if you can't cope anymore.

MagpiePi · 28/01/2025 08:26

I should probably add that every time it's brought up I begin to feel quite anxious as I don't like to think about what awful thing could have happened
Is you making it about you.
You'd don't need to sit there imagining what awful thing could have happened.

Of course the OP is going to try and imagine what happened and be upset about it if her friend keeps alluding to it. She is not a trained counsellor dealing with a stranger.

WhatNoRaisins · 28/01/2025 08:34

It's a bit like trauma dumping. Whilst you have to allow a suffering person a lot of grace there are some really inappropriate ways that you can treat a layperson friend. Sometimes the friends don't cope well with this.

Original poster
MaggieMagpie1 · 28/01/2025 09:02

I should probably add that every time it's brought up I begin to feel quite anxious as I don't like to think about what awful thing could have happened
Is you making it about you

My apologies, I said this to give context that It wasn’t just that I didn’t want to hear about it. I can see how it looks like I was making it about me though.

Thanks for the perspectives. I think I’m just going to have to be patient and see what happens. I wouldn’t tell him not to talk about it, I’d hate it if a friend did that to me.

OP posts:
MrsRaspberry · 31/01/2025 16:43

Can you nicely tell him if he would like some support can he look into counselling and you could offer some support of going along with him even if it's to wait outside the session for some support afterwards. It seems he doesn't want to go into detail but telling him to come out with it completely or shut up about it might make him less open to the idea of seeking support when he feels ready to talk

BrendaSmall · 31/01/2025 17:36

He either wants to talk about or he doesn’t!
instead he’s there trying to got everyone’s sympathy!
Tell him, you’ve heard enough, if he’s not going to talk then stop mentioning it!

Sandalsandbreadsticks · 31/01/2025 22:30

I would just be patient and let go of what you can't control. He will tell you what he wants to tell you if he wants to. It's not about you. If he has been through something so terrible he can't even say it, I'm sure that is a lot worse than feeling anxious because someone won't tell you what happened to them. If you care enough to worry about what happened, care enough to let him say it in his own time. I think it would be very harsh to say explain or don't talk about it. That would probably end the friendship or at least he will never tell you anything like that again

NotThisYearThx · 31/01/2025 22:40

BrendaSmall · 31/01/2025 17:36

He either wants to talk about or he doesn’t!
instead he’s there trying to got everyone’s sympathy!
Tell him, you’ve heard enough, if he’s not going to talk then stop mentioning it!

Some people are fucking awful human beings.

Miaminmoo · 01/02/2025 00:57

I bet he’s also one of those people who puts really cryptic and totally dramatic and deliberately vague FB posts on and when everyone asks if he is OK he either doesn’t respond or says ‘I’ll DM you’ - sorry but he’s an attention seeker and you are absolutely within your rights to tell him to stop taking about something secret you can’t help him with.

OnlyLittleOldMe · 03/02/2025 07:16

All you people talking about therapy, maybe he can’t afford it. It’s not cheap or easy to get in U.K. like it is in US. The therapists in the US seem to be much easier to get appointments and it seems everyone goes to one. It’s much rarer in U.K. I don’t know what country the OP or her friend lives in. It’s not something that is covered for extensive periods of time on NHS you get 6 weeks or 12 weeks free then you either have to pay or go to the back of a very long queue and start again with a totally different therapist.

myplace · 03/02/2025 07:27

People can get stuck in a terrible bind. You don’t want it to be secret, because that suggests you are at fault, something shameful has happened. That you are ashamed. And you know in your head it isn’t true.
But you still feel you shouldn’t talk about it. But you don’t want to be ashamed because you know it isn’t your shame so you admit ‘something’ happened. But you can’t quite take the next step.

If you do, the reaction you get may be unhelpful as PPs have said.

And you can never take it back, people will always know.

@MaggieMagpie1 you could try Gisele Pelicot’s statement, shame must swap sides. I find it truly empowering. Profound.

It’s not for victims to struggle with speaking up and the consequences.

But it’s still hard.

DreamTheMoors · 15/03/2025 23:56

Thank you to everyone who had the empathy to support me — I appreciate it more than you know.
My mum got mean and selfish in her old age. If she wasn’t the subject of our conversation, she wasn’t much interested in it.
And no, she never came around and was the loving and fierce mum I needed her to be in the face of my rape.
But that’s okay - I grew into a very tough young woman.
Love to you all. ❤️