To feel like the poor relation at DDa primary school??

[fanaticalfairy]

Was chatting today about how January is a long month, and pay day being the last day of the month makes it a stretch and we had expensive 8 weeks etc.

One mum said "oh, I don't even know when I get paid", another sympathised and got into her 24 plate Tesla 5 minutes later, whilst the third climbed into her Range Rover.
Dds friends all live in huge 5-6 detached houses, who's living rooms are bigger than the entire floor plan of our little terraced 2 bedroom house. Her little friend actually asked where the rest of the house was when she came over the other day, and was completely perplexed about the lack of "play room" and highly interested that DDs bedroom didn't have it's own bathroom etc.

It's crazy, it's just a little village primary she goes to.

Those who look affluent are often mortgaged to the hilt on interest only mortgages, cars are in finance, furniture, holidays etc on credit cards.

.... or they just earn loads. Where i live us famously affluent because pretty much everyone is in a two income family. Mum will be a partner in a law firm while dad works in banking. Dad has his own architecture practise & mums a paediatric consultant. Mum's an FD somewhere big, dad's in private equity. Loads don't even have a mortgage. There are plenty of villages like this in herts/bucks/berks/surrey/kent/essex.

Really?! If you’re willing to share your financial woes in public, are only other struggling people allowed to comment back? What would be the polite thing for them to do at that point??

We have a very big house - detached, six bedrooms etc… my DD recently asked us why it isn’t “posh” like her friend’s house. When we got down to it, her friends had a gigantic TV in the living room and lots of consoles hooked up to it. This is her idea of an aspirational house… kids really don’t care about what we think they do at that age. Also, I have a very nice car but DD and her other friends all walk to school so have never seen anyones car. We once saw her classmate on the bus going past us whilst out and DD asked immediately why we didn’t go on the “big shiny bus” and looked very hard done by about it.

I am really surprised by your daughter’s friend’s comment at such a young age. I, and my children were simply happy to be invited to another child’s house, whatever size or state it was in. I don’t think children notice or think about how rich another family is.

They don't think of it in terms of "rich" or "poor" but of course they notice difference. I was mortified when 6 year old DS once asked a family friend where her upstairs was (she lived in a small maisonette). One of DDs friends at age 6 asked her parents why oliver from school has a swimming pool at home & she doesnt.

also - we use the exciting big shiny train sometimes so not suggesting the friend doesn’t also have a car, who knows or cares?! I’m just pointing out that the kids are only bothered about the bus!

This happened on Friends when Rachel's sister visited Ross's flat.

Are you living month to month? I am not a high earner but I also don't notice exactly when I get paid. I know there's always enough to cover my (modest) expenses.

I'm also in a two bed terrace. You're very lucky you can afford to live in an affluent area though. I live among thugs. Today I had to speak to the school head because my child was physically attacked. I bet your child's school is safer and a happier environment. I wouldn't worry about anything else.

The divide between poor and rich in this country is nauseating though.

I guess you could send your kids to a school in a poorer area? Or just ignore what cars other people drive. How do you know they're not on finance and they are spending their entire budget on a Tesla? Or maybe they are extremely rich. They shouldn't have to disguise it just to make you feel more comfortable. It's a mode of transport. Not a personality.
I can't get my head round people obsessing over other people's wealth, success or perceived social class. There must be more interesting things to think about?

You want to feel like the poor one - best position to be in. Sounds like you’re getting a fantastic education for free. Otherwise the millionaires would put their kids in private.

it does sound like they’re richer op but so what?! You have a home & can provide for her, that’s all she needs.

My DD’s 2 best friends have big houses/cars etc & my DD points this out to me that our house is tiny (their downstairs loo is probably bigger than our kitchen😂) but it doesn’t bother me, I just say oh well, their mum works until 9pm & yours doesn’t!

I wouldn’t give this any head space at all. Some smart cars dropping off outside our village school, equal number of old cars, plumber’s vans etc. I think most village schools are a mix. If your DD is happy at the school, you don’t need to ponder the conundrum of why some people are/seem more well off…the school gates can be hard at first, all that small talk while you wait for KS1 children. As time goes by, you’ll meet other parents who are on your wave length and make good friendships. OP, you did nothing wrong in mentioning that January is a long month! But I don’t think the other mothers’ replies were inept either. Rejoice that your child is in a first rate state primary.

Agree . My son had a friend in reception who came for tea ( yes for tea ,not a play date 😂) and he asked my son why he had a tinsy winsy garden !! We actually had a very decent sized garden but we didn’t have a pool ,games room etc .
So yes ,children do notice but well brought up children do not comment or compare.

Unfortunately the parents sound materialistic I was in and out of all sorts and I just wanted to play with my friends.

It's the parents pointing this stuff out.

Isn't it great that your dd has friends and your house can expand their world.
What's wrong with being the poorer person or the person with a smaller house? In London you pay for a literal shoe box for what my house is worth.
My American friend has a huge house and it's similar in price to mine.

Even in very large mansions people gravitate to one cosy room.
Most of us just have that one cosy room.

Why does it matter what people call it? Tea is a drink here so the children’s friends never ‘come for tea’, but I wouldn’t think to comment on what phrase other people use 🤷🏻‍♀️

As someone who lives in a small house I can say that those who say small children don’t notice things like this are wrong. There has been more than one occasion when little friends on play dates have commented about the size of our kitchen and the fact we only have one bathroom. It’s water off a ducks back to me - our little semi is home to me and unless we come into a lot of money I don’t see that changing.
I may have just been lucky that my outwardly rich friends don’t seem the least bothered about my ‘poor relation’ house or that I don’t have a dishwasher or go on foreign holidays. If they talk about it behind my back so be it, but none of them have ever refused their child a play date or declined to pop in for a coffee.
As friends at the school gate we obviously chat about jobs and by virtue of knowing what they and their partners do it’s obvious that their annual income is much much more than ours but equally I have learned over time that some of them are mortgaged up to the hilt and have huge outgoings on cars and credit cards so outward appearances don’t always tell the whole story.
I didn’t get the impression from what the OP said that her friends thought any the less of her because of her comments about it being a long month and some of the earlier comments on here not reading the room are unfair. January is a long month for many.

It's one of those things where your own feelings are making you feel bad. Also probably going to make the other parents feel awkward if they're clearly not in the same position.
I'm a single parent and I moan about it to my other single parent friends but not to those with partners, for example.

Tales me back to one little charmer (also in reception) who referred to our "pocket handkerchief sized garden" Honestly sometimes you just have to laugh!

Omg that was me as a kid! I was always impressed with coving, it looked like a stately home decor to me!

I also sympathise with you op. My (piss poor) kids went to a Range Rover millionaire school where the parents would all bray about their skiing holidays at half term. There were a few nice parents but the worst thing was the office staff treating us like third class steerage and the parents that would talk through celebration assemblies and park on the ziggy zaggy lines. Rules don’t apply to rich wankers apparently…

I was so glad when my kids left. It still makes my stomach flip when I drive past it.

What is the issue op. Why be so materialistic and focusing on what people look like they have and then comparing to yourself

treat people as people, stop eyeing up their wealth.

I definitely have a smaller house than many of the people in DD's class. I live in a similar sounding village to you.

I try and focus on the feeling people get when they come and spend time at my home - I have nice lamps, its cosy and welcoming, there is always baking going on, I feed people and talk to them, I try and make people laugh. I take care of the garden. I ask them about themselves and am a good listener. I get paints out for the kids and don't make a big deal about mess. I hope they leave feeling good and like they've had a nice time. That's what children remember - the feeling inside their friends houses and the love there. Size doesn't matter. I hope my house is the one that DD and her friends congregate at in the future.

Or they are just trying to portray themselves In that way, which is often the case

The parents at our kids village state primary were a lot wealthier than at our older child's private school. For the parents choosing to go state for primary they have a spare 40k at the end of the year that they could have spent on fees. They will not feel January is a long month.

Your daughter's made some rich friends! They probably know most people aren't as rich as them and you're the ordinary one though so try not to worry I doubt anyone is judging.

When my first born started reception I was 20 and most of the other parents were 30+ without even mentioning all the grandmas with full custody which seem to be more common these days. It felt very awkward at first but you get used to it and no one else really cares as much as you think

Z

got into her 24 plate Tesla 5 minutes later, whilst the third climbed into her Range Rover. Dds friends all live in huge 5-6 detached houses,who's living rooms are bigger than the* entire floor* plan of our little terraced 2 bedroom house

I would think it fairly obvious that these friends wouldn't be feeling particularly skint if they can afford to live in detached 6-bed houses and drive new Teslas, so I wouldn't have chosen that topic as my small talk!

My kids go to a nursery in an area which is near DH work but full of enormous houses. We live in a 2.5 terrace a 15 min drive away - very grateful but the houses are very different. DS has been for a couple of playdates with kids at nursery and we've reciprocated and their houses are much much bigger than ours. It's really not an issue, we've been lucky to meet parents who are very nice, down to earth etc. They will be on much higher wages than us but with a massive mortgage so by the time you factor in the nursery fees and that I doubt they have huge amounts of spare cash. If so, who cares anyway. They have been nice to my child and have lovely children.

Most of the snobbery I've experienced in my life has been reverse snobbery by people who think I'm posh. I deliberately don't discuss where I work, went to university etc unless directly asked with some new people I meet. People are odd, you do you.

I am completely skint this month but I wouldn't discuss that on the nursery drop off as I very much doubt anyone else is and it's kind of a personal question. I stick to the weather and what we got up to at the weekend if I see anyone I know!