To feel like the poor relation at DDa primary school??

[fanaticalfairy]

Was chatting today about how January is a long month, and pay day being the last day of the month makes it a stretch and we had expensive 8 weeks etc.

One mum said "oh, I don't even know when I get paid", another sympathised and got into her 24 plate Tesla 5 minutes later, whilst the third climbed into her Range Rover.
Dds friends all live in huge 5-6 detached houses, who's living rooms are bigger than the entire floor plan of our little terraced 2 bedroom house. Her little friend actually asked where the rest of the house was when she came over the other day, and was completely perplexed about the lack of "play room" and highly interested that DDs bedroom didn't have it's own bathroom etc.

It's crazy, it's just a little village primary she goes to.

You’re kind of setting yourself up to feel shit when you start talking about wages with people who own Tesla’s, and presumably you’ve noticed before what sort of housing surrounds the school?

But it's the opposite of standard small talk if the mums are wealthy.

The OP didn't read the room at all.

That's adorable.

If children are only used to going in big houses then at least going in to a small house will hopefully expand their knowledge of the world.

I am really surprised by your daughter’s friend’s comment at such a young age. I, and my children were simply happy to be invited to another child’s house, whatever size or state it was in. I don’t think children notice or think about how rich another family is. What matters is that they feel welcome and comfortable, and that it’s fun to experience how another family lives. If your family are all happy and enjoy being in each other’s company, visitors will feel the same.
My best friend was in a horrendous financial situation when she split with her useless husband. She managed to bring up three lovely, well adjusted children on her own without family support in a house where her ex had stripped the plaster off most of the walls and left the house in a terrible state of repair. My friend prioritised paying the mortgage and ensuring the kids were well fed and well educated. They all had friends to stay, many of whom were much better off but that did not matter. They were happy and still have those friends in their lives.
OP, if your children are happy and healthy, that’s all that matters. Live within your means and enjoy knowing that, even if money is tight sometimes, things do get easier in later life. My three are all adults now and we are in a much better financial situation than we were in the early days, but they appreciate that some people will always be better off. That’s life. Just encourage your children to work hard and be grateful for what they do have.
Back in the 80s when we bought our first little house, we had no stair carpet and two second hand free tvs before we were able to buy a new tv. We were the last in the family and friends to buy a video player. We had family donated curtains and were just happy to have our own little house. We did not feel judged by anyone and only had a £200 safety fund in case the car needed replacing. Our friends were all in different situations but that was not important.
What I am trying to say is, don’t feel inferior to other people who appear to be in a better financial situation than you. You are judging yourself which is not healthy.

@gingergiraffe Children notice everything, I remember I did when I was that age wondering why my friend had such a big house and garden!

My daughter went to a friend’s house when she was about 6 and came home telling me their kitchen was ‘like the Great Hall at Hogwarts’. Turned out it was just that they had bench seating at their dining table rather than individual chairs!

Ok, but are they making judgements? Or shall I say, realistic judgements.
My son went on a school trip when in year 6 to the Isle of Wight. I asked him what was the best bit of the trip. He replied, being able to watch tv while sitting on the toilet! Children have different priorities.

You are not being unreasonable. As a single mum in a wealthy area, I spent most of DS' primary years feeling like the poor relation. New Mercedes and two week skiing holidays were common. I didn't discuss my finances but the contrast must have been fairly obvious.

However in the years since, some of those affluent perfectly dressed & groomed mums have come to me and asked how I manage. Their marriages were failing and they were suddenly discovering that giving up the career or going part time, or relying too much on their wealthy husband was a bad idea.

Now I am lucky, my home and pension, such as they are, are mine. No-one else has a claim on them. I am more secure. It's very sad but that is the truth.

DH’s very genteel book group (mostly Chelsea and Chiswick older women) once met in our tiny north London flat, and one asked if she could ‘look around the rest of the flat’. It turned out she couldn’t believe that our two rooms, plus galley kitchen and bathroom was all there was, and thought that the communal stairs inside the front door (which led up to two flats on the upper floors) must lead to the rest of our flat!

Except it isn’t standard small talk for everyone, and specifically not for the people OP was talking to.

My children attend a similar sounding school, we live in a nice 4 bed semi, not huge but certainly not small, one of my children asked when in reception why we lived in such a tiny house, she had/had no idea just how fortunate we are compared to many people.

Some of the responses on here I find a bit odd, we’re talking about parents picking up their kids from school, some people are talking as if the OP is trying to communicate with an alien species.

Anyone who harps on about what they have isn’t worth bothering with. Similarly some people constantly harp on about having nothing, almost as a defence mechanism. I can’t be doing with them either personally.

I’m not suggesting the OP is one of those people, just a general point. But at the same time people just talk about things generally, I don’t think the OP did something inherently wrong by saying what she said. I also don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with someone talking about their holiday, their new car or whatever else. People talk about these things because that’s part of their life.

I don’t like the Mumsnet thing of almost sneering at people who probably have the car on finance or the huge mortgage. Why do you care?

If your daughter is happy and making friends then that’s great, if you can get along with the other parents that’s fine, but similar to being at work, you won’t like them all or want to be their best friend. And if you think this woman was being a bit of a dick don’t speak to her, just smile politely when you see her.

I make no claims to having grown up in poverty but we certainly weren’t a wealthy family when we were kids. That’s changed (apologies if that’s a bit blunt but relevant to what I’m about to say). I’m not in the slightest bit interested what car someone drives or the size of house they live in. Maybe they worked hard, inherited money (which someone had to die for them to receive so they’ve hardly come by it easily) were lucky or a combination of these. Who cares. People are people, the nice ones are nice regardless of their bank balance, the dickheads will be dickheads regardless.

I really doubt they’re spending half as much time thinking about your wealth level as you are theirs.

I think they are the minority.

For most people it is a "long month"

Most people will understand it.

They sound like Amanda from motherland

Tbf I don’t think saying ‘January is a long month’ is ‘discussing personal finances.’ It’s a normal thing to say in my world anyway!

Our DIL has much younger siblings and her stepfather is rich. They live in a big house. DS/ DIL lived with us for a year whilst saving for their deposit.
They were describing our 3 bed council house to little brother..he couldn't fathom how we had one room, Our 2 sons shared one and our daughter had a third room when they were children. He asked where the nanny and gardener slept. 😂

They can’t have been that wealthy if they don’t have large amounts of liquid cash to fall back on for both partners.

You made a very ordinary, every day comment, OP and there’s no need to feel bad about it, those mums shouldn’t make you feel bad about it nor should strangers on MN. Some folk love to make out that they’re so much better than you. I’ve known people like it, they weren’t my cup of tea so I sought out more down to earth friends.

I had a friends kid for a play date the other month and she commented on my really big house. My house is smaller than hers but hers is a bungalow where as mine is a normal semi detached. Made me laugh a lot! I would definitely avoid any financial comments with the first mum she clearly was bragging as I would have just responded that January is definitely a long month she was bragging.

Find somebody on benefits so you feel better about yourself?

You're just as strange to somebody in that situation.

I deal with estates on death. I can absolutely tell you now that you have no idea what is really going on with people's finances, regardless of their cars, houses, or lifestyles most of the time.

Those who look affluent are often mortgaged to the hilt on interest only mortgages, cars are in finance, furniture, holidays etc on credit cards.

That's when you just acknowledge they're different but underneath it all they may be desperately keeping up debts but don't talk about it.

I'm like you, will just talk openly, but I have learnt to reign it in to small talk, but I can bet there are some who have resignated with you and appreciate your honesty. Xx

Why don’t assume that?! I see people’s finances for a living and I can assure you that this is often very far from the truth. - to the people saying it’s all debt/finance

OP I live in a 6 bed house, nice Tesla blah blah. I would however totally get that Jan is a long month and I’m not so disconnected from the real world that I can’t sympathise.

They still have to earn enough to service the debt though.

Some people have more money than others, it was ever thus. You must have known you live in an affluent village?

This.... i live in a village like this (yup we have a playroom) but it was glaringly obvious it was like this when we looked at housing here. I'd never seen so many range rovers.