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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To arrange an alcohol free wake?

58 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/01/2025 14:33

It’s for my father, a lifelong abstainer. He allowed me to bring alcohol into his house for my wedding reception, I’d like to return the favour by not having alcohol at his wake. Will people be ok with this, or will they expect it to be available, or indeed need it to be available?

It’ll be in a Methodist church hall which will hopefully give people a clue.

OP posts:

FrenchandSaunders · 27/01/2025 14:35

I love a drink and as an Irish catholic most of the funerals I go to are very boozy ...... however, I'd be more than happy to attend one like you describe, as it sounds exactly what your dad would have wanted and that is the most important thing. If people can't go without a drink that's their problem.

Sorry you've lost your dad.

Quietnowplease · 27/01/2025 14:38

I think people expect alcohol. My friend's dad died last year and he was an alcoholic. For this reason they didn't have the wake in a pub but a hall much like you're doing, with a good selection of non alcohol options but normal beer and wine for others (cash bar). His friends from alcoholic anon attended so this worked better for them and it was mentioned during the service that this was a big part of his life - basically getting the message across the wake wasn't going to be a piss up.

I think it's nice you want to 'return the favour' but sadly he is of course no longer alive to appreciate it - so I wouldn't base your decision on that. Do what's right for the living.

Sorry for your loss.

CasperGutman · 27/01/2025 14:39

YANBU. My grandfather was a committed Baptist and a lifelong abstainer. We still have three medals he received from the Royal Naval Temperance Society for refusing his allocation of rum when serving serving WW2. We didn't have any alcohol at his funeral, or (more to the point) at the tea in the church hall afterwards.

One tip: I wouldn't call it a "wake" because that gives people the wrong idea. Maybe "funeral tea"? People are used to the idea that a "tea" is an alcohol-free affair.

Thisisthemomentforchange · 27/01/2025 14:39

I'm sorry about your loss OP.

People shouldn't be " expecting" anything: they are there out of respect and love for your Dad and you should arrange things as you think best.

I'm sure people will know your Dad was TT so it probably won't be a surprise that there is no alcohol. Especially as you say it's in the Methodist hall.

Deadringer · 27/01/2025 14:40

My mam was a non drinker and both her wake and funeral were alcohol free. Well the meal after the funeral was in a pub, but only tea and coffee was offered.

FOJN · 27/01/2025 14:41

Perhaps you could give people a heads up when you share the funeral details and just have line that says to honour dad's lifelong teetotal status there will be no alcohol at the wake. Hopefully it will just mean you don't give to repeatedly explain on the day.

Wouldn't bother me as long as there was a very large pot of tea.

Sorry for your loss.

SleepToad · 27/01/2025 14:42

Why not I've been to 2 like this, the first my fil who because bil (not his son but married to his daughter) was a piss head and often was a complete prick, so mil had the Methodist hall. After we got rid of bil and sil, we went to the pub.
When bil died we had the identical wake. Mainly because sil got the hall for free (what makes you think I didn't/don't like them)

AConvivialHost · 27/01/2025 14:42

Absolutely fine not to have alcohol. My grandmother was a teetotal Methodist and we had a dry funeral and asked people back for afternoon tea at the church hall.

Notgivenuphope · 27/01/2025 14:43

We didn’t provide alcohol at my gran’s wake. Tea and coffee and food, and if anyone wanted booze they could buy it from the bar.

purser25 · 27/01/2025 14:44

I don’t see why not respect his wishes. If the wake is in a Methodist church hall you can’t have alcohol anyway. Call it his party or celebration of his life. You don’t need alcohol at a funeral.

Lavender14 · 27/01/2025 14:44

I think it's absolutely fine op and especially given the venue I'd be expecting it to be tea and sandwiches rather than anything boozy.

YSianiFlewog · 27/01/2025 14:44

Most funeral teas I've been to were non alcoholic events and in a church or Methodist hall. As PP said, call it a funeral tea and not a wake. If anyone wants a pint, they can go to the pub later on.

rickyrickygrimes · 27/01/2025 14:48

I was recently at a family funeral and the only person drinking was FIL. It was MILs funeral, he had it in his head that every one would be wanting a drink. But it was midday, lots of people were driving, and every one was perfectly happy with the funeral ‘tea’, with just tea and coffee provided. This was in Scotland, drinking and driving severely frowned on these days.

purplecorkheart · 27/01/2025 14:49

I am Irish, At my Aunts wake we had no alcohol. Her wake was held in her house and it was just easier not to serve alcohol. People were offered tea, coffee, soft drinks and sandwiches and cakes. A few people brought bottles of alcohol with them but did not seem in the slightest bit bothered that no alcohol was being served.

Alamo1967 · 27/01/2025 14:50

We had my mum's wake 3months ago & that was dry, tea, coffee & juice, everyone knew what was happening & respected it.

Luckypinkduck · 27/01/2025 14:51

Definitely, we have done food and tea in the church hall for family members who a pub wasn't very them. I actually really prefer those funerals. Close family can then go home and have a drink later or go to the pub if they want but less expectations.

RiRaAgusRuailleBuaille · 27/01/2025 14:52

my dad was an alcoholic and we just had tea / coffee and soft drinks plus finger food available at the church hall after his funeral. Even in Ireland, this was no issue - you wouldn’t be expecting to have booze in the church hall at any event and nobody said a thing (that I am aware of). We waked him the night before and again only offered teas etc at the house as tbh the idea of celebrating his life with the thing that killed him sat oddly with me and my siblings.

SheridansPortSalut · 27/01/2025 14:53

I'm Irish.
Any wakes I've been to have had teas and coffees.
Most people are driving anyway.

MaggieFS · 27/01/2025 14:54

Of course it's fine, especially if it's "self catering" rather than in a pub. Calling it a funeral tea is a nice idea. Please have soft drinks other than just tea, coffee and water.

Sorry for your loss.

xILikeJamx · 27/01/2025 14:55

Most funerals I've been to have been like 2pm on a Tuesday so nobody really drinks anyway.

I'm Scottish and from a family that doesn't really need a second invitation for a whisky and few beers at a family gathering, but can't say I've ever seen it at a funeral.

battairzeedurgzome · 27/01/2025 15:05

Perfectly OK, but don't take it personally if a large proportion of the mourners decamp early to go down the pub.

gamerchick · 27/01/2025 15:08

battairzeedurgzome · 27/01/2025 15:05

Perfectly OK, but don't take it personally if a large proportion of the mourners decamp early to go down the pub.

Yep. Nothing wrong with it but people might want a beer after a funeral. Just warn them in advance for catering if you're doing any.

irregularegular · 27/01/2025 15:08

I wouldn't have thought there would be anything odd at all about not serving alcohol after a funeral? After my father's memorial service we just initially planned to just have tea and cake. We made a very last minute decision to get some prosecco in (literally on the way to the hall) as my sisters and I decided we needed it!!! But I don't think anybody would have batted an eyelid either way.

Guess it's a cultural thing?

FiatMultiplaWhopper · 27/01/2025 15:17

Absolutely fine, my granny specified before her death she didn’t want alcohol at the wake just food and tea/coffee and this was honoured of course. And this is in Ireland too. Just drop people a note and no one will say a thing.

RawBloomers · 27/01/2025 15:17

I think it’s a nice gesture towards your father’s values and people who loved him would appreciate it.

I’ve been to several wakes in church halls that have been alcohol free. They’ve all been lovely. Normally tea (and sometimes coffee) are the standard beverages.

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