To arrange an alcohol free wake?

[MereDintofPandiculation]

It’s for my father, a lifelong abstainer. He allowed me to bring alcohol into his house for my wedding reception, I’d like to return the favour by not having alcohol at his wake. Will people be ok with this, or will they expect it to be available, or indeed need it to be available?

It’ll be in a Methodist church hall which will hopefully give people a clue.

I think it is absolutely fine.

For my mother's wake we arranged a buffet in a function room at a hotel. There was coffee and tea provided in the room and people could order drinks if they wanted them and we paid. At the end we found we only had to pay for about 4 drinks and there were around 50 people there.

Absolutely fine. The issue is other people's if they can't attend a wake without needing booze.

Might be an idea to hold it somewhere where alcohol isn't even an option, or as others have suggested put it in the invite.

Sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry, Mere. Your approach sounds very much what your father would have asked for. I hope it all goes off OK.

I am sorry for your loss. The arrangement sounds fine to me. I wish your event goes well. I agree with the fact most people will be driving. I send a big hug to you and your family. i am not a drinker myself.

I think that's a lovely thing to do, to show respect for your father's beliefs. I sometimes book our local Methodist Church Hall for events and it is always stated as a condition of booking that no alcohol is allowed on the premises. If you think some people might challenge you over the decision to have an alcohol free event perhaps you could tell everyone that it is not allowed on the premises. I always add this to event information and I have never had anyone question it or try to bring their own (and mine are evening events, not a day-time funeral)

I don't think anyone will be put out at all - or at least they shouldn't be, it's not a party for their benefit! I don't think you need to make an announcement about it either. Our local Methodist church hall won't have alcohol on the premises so it might be that that makes the decision for you anyway.

Absolutely fine - it would be stranger to deliberately set out to serve it at a funeral tea in a Methodist hall.

Like others have said, can head off any potential confusion by inviting people to join you for tea rather than a wake. Tea, coffee, water,squash.

It’s tanglier when it’s somewhere with a bar you don’t want open, but when there isn’t one it’s simple.

Of course it’s fine, my husbands funeral was very early and I provided a breakfast buffet for the wake including tea, coffee and orange juice. I’m sure lots went to the pub afterwards but I didn’t think it was right to serve alcohol at 10 in the morning,
If people have a problem with it, it’s on them, not you,

We did this recently at FILs funeral. He never drank alcohol but he didn't mind others drinking but as it was in the church hall in the afternoon, we got caterers in to provide sandwiches and cakes and the only drinks on offer were tea and coffee. He didn't drink alcohol but had other "vices", getting into debt, living beyond his means etc We had to pay for most of the funeral ourselves as he hadn't left enough money to pay for the entire thing and none of us are well off so we couldn't really afford to pay for alcohol too. It was absolutely fine, no one expected alcohol in a church hall during the afternoon.

I think tea and coffee at a wake is perfectly acceptable. Went to one last year and it was an afternoon tea scenario with dainty sandwiches, sausage rolls, quiche and lots of lovely cake.

Sorry for your loss.

Only you know your dad.

Mine would find it more important that as hosts, we made sure everyone was looked after and catered for.

But everyone's different and if yours wouldn't have wanted people drinking alcohol, then it's fine.

We didn't have any alcohol at my dad's wake few years back. Tea, coffee and cake. Just as he would have wanted.
There's a pub down the road if anyone wanted to drink but no one went and we had a nice time remembering him and honouring his memories

If it's a methodist hall you might not even be allowed booze anyway. I give blood in a church hall that is Mormon and they don't even allow hot drinks on the premises!

I'm not sure I've been to a wake with anything other than tea and coffee. There are obviously different traditions, but if it's in a church hall I don't think anyone is going to be surprised.

The last wake I attended was alcohol free. It was in the church hall and was tea and cakes.

I think it's controlling to tell people how they should grieve or honour your Dad's memory. You can not drink as a gesture to him, but I don't think you can make everyone else join you in doing it.

But she's arranging the event and providing the refreshments! It's not like showing up an event that someone else has arranged and paid for and then ordering them not to serve alcohol.

They can drink booze til they burst if they want to, it just won't be provided by the op.

Well people can unexpect. The OP is the living & it's how she want to honour her Dad. Nobody else matters.
I find it extremely unhealthy that people can't cope without alcohol.

It's not a case of not coping.

I don't drink often, a couple of glasses of wine on the weekend usually.

The last funeral I went to, I had a gin and tonic straight after at the wake. It was enough to take the edge off the pain I was in, and I didn't drink for the rest of the evening. If I was feeling like I still needed to start the next day with a drink to take the edge off, that would be unhealthy and I'd have had to put some other coping measures in place, but that one helped me get through the rest of the evening rather than spending the whole wake sobbing.

Funerals are horrible and shouldn't be something we have to go to often and everyone should do what they need to do to get through them.

No advice but just to say I’m sorry about your father OP. I’ve always valued your views on the elderly parents topic. I hope his passing was as you might both have wished for.

I grew up Methodist - it is a rule of Methodism that you can't have alcohol or gambling on the premises (so no selling raffle tickets and a tombola has to have a prize for every ticket) - so it will have to be a dry event anyway. If you think there are people who will be surprised then you might want to mention it to them in advance though.

Thanks you all for responses, and for the good wishes.

I'm reassured that an alcohol-free funeral tea" is a normal event. And delighted that most Methodist church halls don't allow alcohol anyway - that makes it easy for me!

For those that know me from elsewhere - Dad led an interesting life and enjoyed it up to the end, which, when it came, was relatively swift and pain free. We were able to be there at the end. He was 102.

I host funerals and wakes, less than half have booze!

If you are going for alcohol free ensure you have at least something without caffeine, many of the family's arrive with just caffeinated tea and coffee then end up asking if I have any decaf around.

We had an alcohol free funeral tea for my mum, @MereDintofPandiculation - and as far as I was aware, no-one had any problem with it at all. There is nothing wrong with raising a glass to the memory of the person, but I don’t think it is a vital part of the wake.

Also, as the closest relative, it’s your opinion that matters the most, in my view, and no-one should complain about you choosing an alcohol free wake. Other people are free to have their opinions, but should keep them to themselves. They can always raise a glass later on, either on their own or with other people who also want to do so.

I am very sorry for your loss.