Money stuff

[Northernishlad]

Hi. Partner (F35) and I (M41) (together for 10 years) have been going through some relationship issues since May last year. We live together in a house that I own and have a two year old daughter. We got engaged three years ago but haven’t really discussed marriage much since then. Before my partner got pregnant, she would pay me monthly rent and this was the deal for about 6 years, then we stopped this when she was on maternity leave and not working. For context, I have always paid more towards stuff (meals/holidays) as way one point I was earning three times as much as her. You could say that I financially carried the relationship. Last year I started worrying about losing my house if we were to break up an I researched if my partner might have a claim to my property if we were to break up and I stupidly told this to one of ny mates. Unfortunately, my friend’s wife repeated this to my partner. She was really offended as she never suggested she would try to get anything out of me even if we were to break up. Fast forward two months- we did break up briefly when she was still on maternity leave and she asked me to help her (around 10k) with a house deposit (to buy). I said I couldn’t as my savings were for my retirement (I’m self employed). She got angry with me saying that I have been telling her all this time that I was saving for our future but really I don’t care about her or our daughter and the conditions they will live in if they move out. She said she didn’t want rent as this would lack stability for her and my daughter’s future.
We then ended up getting back together (all of this whilst still living together) and now my partner is back at work and earning again so contribution to costs etc. I suggested that instead of contributing towards the household costs, she could just pay for the childcare (£1,000 pcm) and she said she wants to split this down the middle with each one of us paying half and she will also give me money for half the household bills but if I want her to pay anything over that, that will be her contribution towards mortgage. I asked why she wouldn’t just pay for the childcare and she said because it’s not fair that she would be spending such a large sum every month on a non- returnable expense (childcare) whilst I will continue paying off my mortgage. I feel like my mortgage has nothing to do with her and she is being demanding about money that is not hers. Who is unreasonable here, me or her? Thank you.

Really hoping this is a reverse because if not you sir are financially abusive

Wtf kind of partnership is this? You don't take 'rent' from your partner - really she's been contributing to the mortgage. I hope she seeks legal advice.

Please point your girlfriend towards Women’s Aid and a CMS calculator.

Do you think she’s stupid OP? Or that we are?

It’s blatantly obvious you’re making her pay for a huge non-household bill so that if it comes to the crunch you can say “She never even paid any bills! All the house expenses have been on me!”.

You could say that I financially carried the relationship

I bet I could say she carries the mental and parenting load. Also that’s not you carrying anything at all. Thats equitable living. She probably actually is paying more than her fair share I bet

It seems that she has potentially been under the impression that you were offering her more financial security than you actually have been over the years.
It seems like she has maybe been unwise to not protect herself financially while living with you.
Therefore I'd say that you are both being unreasonable. She is your fiancée and the mother of your child... You're supposed to have been a team for the past years. Not single people.

Wow. You clearly don't care about your partners financial security. You are hell bent on protecting your own income and assets. You don't see her as an equal. You don't see you two as a team. You're happy to take her money and use it to feather your own nest. She deserves better.

You're the b***d she should be leaving!

YABVU. You have a child together. You are supposed to be a partnership. If you earn 3x her salary, you should be shouldering 3x the expenses. Yet you want her to have no financial security and no chance of gaining financially security. And despite her now paying half of the joint costs (way more than her fair share), you want to keep all the assets to yourself and make her pay for the more general expenses like nursery so she doesn't accumulate assets/rights. You want her to have nothing if your relationship ends. I really hope she posts here herself where she will get good advice on what is fair and what is financially abusive.

I hope she gets good RL advice and takes you to the cleaners.

Wow, just wow.

WTAF have I just read on here - did you think this would go favourably for you Op?

Behave yourself. This is the mother of your child you selfish brat of a man

Mortgage, insurance, maintenance of the house should be all your responsibility.

All other costs - child expenses, food, utilities, holidays should be split proportionally based on your salaries as long as you’re also splitting childcare and household chores.

its quite understandable that she wants some financial security.

🤔wind up

Op will not be coming back. What a tw*t

It's perfectly reasonable for everyone to want security and fairness.

I'm not married to my partner and he pays mortgage while I pay childcare.

The crucial difference is that we jointly own the house - I bought in and we had a declaration of trust drawn up to ensure a fair division of assets in case of a split. It doesn't matter who pays which bill now because the legal contract is in place to protect us both. Deposits ringfenced, 50/50 for anything left over after a sale.

Its fair that any equity you built up prior to her moving in remains yours, it's also perfectly reasonable that she has some kind of security and is working towards owning a share fairly.

Right now she has zero legal standing - one argument and she could be made homeless in an instant. That's not a good basis for a relationship, is it?

Talk to her, get your house valued, work out the equity, get a document drawn up stating that it's ringfenced. Then going forward, she can contribute fairly and you are both protected.

Reverse

Please just be straight with us. You will get good advice.

I had owned my house for years before I got together with my partner. I do see it as my future security. I am not sure why this is an issue for anyone. She hasn’t bought her own property as for a good chunk of her 20s and 30s wasn’t earning enough. How is this my fault?
I happily pad for nice meals out and holidays for years and suddenly I am the bad guy?

Your mortgage has nothing to do with her? She's had your child! What a catch you are 🙄

You're talking shit now. Got to be a troll.

They're so low effort now

Absolutely. She deserves better than this.

Oh boy, you are going to get toasted here.

Half the childcare & you pay the mortgage. She can save "rent" money she would be giving you for her future. You sound like you have already checked out of the relationship

How do you propose she gains her own financial security if you are inisting she pays all the bills for general expenses while you continue to build up any assets in your sole name? Especially while she is paying way more than her share of proportional expenditure. If you want to keep the house in your sole name you should pay 100% of all expenses relating to it, and then split the remaining household bills (e.g. food, nursery) proportionally based on % of salary. This would at least give your partner chance to save up some money in her own name, although it's still not ideal. You clearly don't see youselves as a family, despite having a child together.

The problem is you both earn money. You want your money to go to an asset you keep whist you want her money to go towards expenses that once spent leave her with nothing.

Surely you can see the problem here.