Money stuff

[Northernishlad]

Hi. Partner (F35) and I (M41) (together for 10 years) have been going through some relationship issues since May last year. We live together in a house that I own and have a two year old daughter. We got engaged three years ago but haven’t really discussed marriage much since then. Before my partner got pregnant, she would pay me monthly rent and this was the deal for about 6 years, then we stopped this when she was on maternity leave and not working. For context, I have always paid more towards stuff (meals/holidays) as way one point I was earning three times as much as her. You could say that I financially carried the relationship. Last year I started worrying about losing my house if we were to break up an I researched if my partner might have a claim to my property if we were to break up and I stupidly told this to one of ny mates. Unfortunately, my friend’s wife repeated this to my partner. She was really offended as she never suggested she would try to get anything out of me even if we were to break up. Fast forward two months- we did break up briefly when she was still on maternity leave and she asked me to help her (around 10k) with a house deposit (to buy). I said I couldn’t as my savings were for my retirement (I’m self employed). She got angry with me saying that I have been telling her all this time that I was saving for our future but really I don’t care about her or our daughter and the conditions they will live in if they move out. She said she didn’t want rent as this would lack stability for her and my daughter’s future.
We then ended up getting back together (all of this whilst still living together) and now my partner is back at work and earning again so contribution to costs etc. I suggested that instead of contributing towards the household costs, she could just pay for the childcare (£1,000 pcm) and she said she wants to split this down the middle with each one of us paying half and she will also give me money for half the household bills but if I want her to pay anything over that, that will be her contribution towards mortgage. I asked why she wouldn’t just pay for the childcare and she said because it’s not fair that she would be spending such a large sum every month on a non- returnable expense (childcare) whilst I will continue paying off my mortgage. I feel like my mortgage has nothing to do with her and she is being demanding about money that is not hers. Who is unreasonable here, me or her? Thank you.

Of course you pay for half nursery fees. The child is half yours. I'm baffled by the number of men who seem to think the child is the woman's personal/expensive hobby!

Split the utilities and food, yes, you are both using this stuff. As you are partners you should consider doing this proportionately, rather than halves.

If you want her to pay "rent" on top then this could be seen as a contribution to the mortgage and she'd have an argument that she gained a beneficial interest in the house even if not in the deeds.

No wonder you backed out of the planned marriage! What a charmer. May I ask why you got engaged originally? Did you intend to marry her at that point or was it a "make her shut up" ring?

WTF have I just read?! "Financially carried the relationship" 🤣 Meanwhile your partner has done everything else I bet! Absolute financial abuse. If your partner was writing her side, we would all tell her to run a mile. Disgusting. So bloody tight too which is also a very unattractive trait - making out like you were doing her a favour by not charging 'rent' whilst she was on maternity leave. Take a long hard look at yourself.

What date did you plan to break up with her and when were you going to let her know? Pig

You do realise that there are people here who earn more than their husbands / partners! (me too at one point!) I never "carried" my husband or "treated" him to nice holidays. We just did things as a partnership. We enjoyed things together because I love him. I certainly didn't penny pinch or expect that I would build financial security whilst he struggled forever.

You are the bad guy. Surely you are supposed to be a family? It sounds as though she takes on all the responsibility for your joint child. You want her to contribute to the cost of running the household but in such a way that she has no claim on any of your assets. The childcare costs should be a joint responsibility as this is your child too. Why don't you want the mother of your child to have any financial security?

This threads make me sad. I can't believe you actually think you are right here. Your poor "partner" and child. You need to end the relationship as you clearly have no intention of a future with her if these are your thoughts.

Despite what you say about wanting to "minimise" transfer of money, it's very very obvious that you want her to pay the nursery and not towards the house anyone as you've realised after you spoke to people last time that if she does she could potentially have a beneficial interest in the house.

My ex DP was the same, I didn't have as much money as him as my career stalled because I took on the lions share of child care and had to condense to 4 days at work which affected my progression.

I left him and he got angry when I went for CMS- how dare I he said, he has a mortgage to pay and it's his security don't you know.

I recommend your partner does the same. I'm much more financially secure now and have my own mortgage and own house with my child.

You let her fund maternity leave for your shared child? What a prince!

And I'd say the exact same if you were a woman and your partner was a man!

If this is real and not just an attempt to wind us up, the scariest part is the op saying he loves his partner and his child.
This is love?
Fuck me I'd hate to see how'd treat them if you didn't 'love' them.

Set them free, they are young enough to start again and find a decent man/father.

Nah mate you’re trying to make it look like you’re the only one paying towards your house.

Why shouldn’t you have carried the relationship financially if you earned more?

She needs to fleece you, you’re abusive and nasty

It really comes down to are you in this relationship for the long haul or not. Because your actions are of someone who is not - still point scoring carrying the relationship and still saying you are saving for your future.

do you want to marry her - it really comes down to that for both of you. Staying in this limbo isn’t good for her and probably you.

either fully commit or get out of it now

She gave you something priceless (a child) and you were sneakily having conversations on how you can keep your house from her?
She paid you rent for 10 years, so you benefited from paying reduced mortgaged payments.

Seems like you want to get as much out of her as you can by throwing her frivoulous things. And she's now seen your true feelings, so how dare she now try and protect herself from you taking more from her in the future.
You've wasted her best years, she could've spent her time and built a family with a decent man.