Money stuff

[Northernishlad]

Hi. Partner (F35) and I (M41) (together for 10 years) have been going through some relationship issues since May last year. We live together in a house that I own and have a two year old daughter. We got engaged three years ago but haven’t really discussed marriage much since then. Before my partner got pregnant, she would pay me monthly rent and this was the deal for about 6 years, then we stopped this when she was on maternity leave and not working. For context, I have always paid more towards stuff (meals/holidays) as way one point I was earning three times as much as her. You could say that I financially carried the relationship. Last year I started worrying about losing my house if we were to break up an I researched if my partner might have a claim to my property if we were to break up and I stupidly told this to one of ny mates. Unfortunately, my friend’s wife repeated this to my partner. She was really offended as she never suggested she would try to get anything out of me even if we were to break up. Fast forward two months- we did break up briefly when she was still on maternity leave and she asked me to help her (around 10k) with a house deposit (to buy). I said I couldn’t as my savings were for my retirement (I’m self employed). She got angry with me saying that I have been telling her all this time that I was saving for our future but really I don’t care about her or our daughter and the conditions they will live in if they move out. She said she didn’t want rent as this would lack stability for her and my daughter’s future.
We then ended up getting back together (all of this whilst still living together) and now my partner is back at work and earning again so contribution to costs etc. I suggested that instead of contributing towards the household costs, she could just pay for the childcare (£1,000 pcm) and she said she wants to split this down the middle with each one of us paying half and she will also give me money for half the household bills but if I want her to pay anything over that, that will be her contribution towards mortgage. I asked why she wouldn’t just pay for the childcare and she said because it’s not fair that she would be spending such a large sum every month on a non- returnable expense (childcare) whilst I will continue paying off my mortgage. I feel like my mortgage has nothing to do with her and she is being demanding about money that is not hers. Who is unreasonable here, me or her? Thank you.

I know. Rage bait.

Try harder, small angry men.

imagine if she changed you surrogacy fees then 24 hour nanny care fees

You're a disgrace - shame on you!

You should not be bringing a child into the world when you have no intention of providing any financial security for that child. Did you pay your DP's pension contributions whilst she was on Mat Leave looking after your joint child?

Just because you've not done the right thing in marry her to give her some financial security, doesn't mean you should screw her over financially.

And you're seriously questioning why we're seeing you as the bad guy here?

Your poor DP! She needs to raise her bar and find a real man.

Don’t you want your future wife and child to have security too or is all about you? She’s basically like some sort of lodger who puts out. Loving relationships and marriages shouldn’t be like this, so transactional. No wonder she left you.

Youre the bad guy because you’re financially abusive. Youre using a few meals when you earn LOADS more than her to try and demonstrate you’re not a prize abuser

Not important. You bought a child into this world with her which by definition trashed her chances of earning. That child's stability and future should be coming first.
Take a good look at yourself.

This is shocking.

You are all about you - what a poor decision your partner made when she became pregnant with your child. What a let down you must be. I will never understand why women trust men to do the right thing but she has finally woken up - I’d say you’ve lost her.

All of these types of posts are written like they should be on reddit or are done by reddit users.

Noticed a big increase lately... Weird.

I hope she wins the lottery and leaves you. After all on your upstanding brink plea you wouldn’t want a penny would you OP?

But surely if they are not married and her name is not on the deeds, then whatever bills she pays towards, doesn’t mean she is entitled to any percentage of the house?

I thought that’s why Mumsnetters are always banging on about ensuring you get married, so that you ARE entitled to some of it and that you can’t just be thrown out. 🤷‍♀️

I mean I can understand that she wants security, and if there was some agreement to come to, then it needs proper legal advice but maybe the relationship is a bit rocky andOP is having second thoughts on that? or the marriage.

Just imagine the if the woman was saying this. I bet the replies would be somewhat different. 🤔

If he's having second thoughts about the relationship he shouldn't have entered into parenthood.

''I do see it as my future security'' no ''our'' future security - she is being offered nothing from you except a few meals out and the odd holiday - bravo you ! Then you want her to pay all the nursery fees too which will take virtually all her wages while you are then able to invest your money into an asset which you know gives YOU future security??

Your partner is far too good for you. Why don't you think it's your responsibility to pay half towards your DC's nursery fees? Or do you think the DC is not yours? You don't see yourself and your partner as a team do you? You just think what is best for yourself. I think your partner would be better off without you. You do realise if the DC is yours you'd either have to have your DC half of the time so pay half nursery fees or if your partner has DC more frequently you'd have to pay your partner maintenance for your DC and that would be based on your salary not hers. Financially she'd be better off without you yet she stays with you presumably because she loves you. You don't act as if you like veg her and your DC though.

It almost feels like a transaction rship.. You won't even marry her coz you're worried how much it would cost you in the future which it shouldn't be about money. She can never earn as much as before coz she has your child to look after, unless you're going to cut down your hours to take her to nursery and then school, pick her up, give her her tea.

This rship will never work because you are putting money before your family.

Thank you and I agree.
I am upset with her because she has painted me to be the bad guy after I financially carried the relationship for years. Expensive holidays, meals in nice restaurants, things she wouldn’t be afford to buy if it wasn’t for me.
And in the last few months she has been demanding about having more financial security. I would never kick her out as I do love her and my child and before you jump on me I do cover half the childcare- her paying for it in full was just a suggestion to avoid unnecessary money transfers between our accounts. My bills alone come probably close to that so I was happy just to pay the utilities plus my mortgage and she would pay for the childcare which would actually save her money every month. I thought this would give her the chance to save up some of the money she used up from her savings during her maternity leave.

She's the mother of your child. Put her on the deeds/mortgage and stop talking about "my future" - you're a family now. If you don't want to share your assets why did you have a baby together?

She's committed to parenthood with you. Why the hell wouldn't she be concerned about her financial security? How dare you think that she should be grateful because you've paraded your wealth by providing a few luxuries and meals out?

This! I'd agree with you OP if you didn't have children together. However you do so stop being such a tight arse.

Seeing as you are engaged to be married. I think a lot of this comes down to what’s happening with that engagement. If you are getting married it doesn’t really matter what she contributes to.

If you aren’t getting married anymore then this is another matter and perhaps the relationship has run its course.

There is an element of risk when entering a relationship in which you share children or decide to legally marry. We can’t control what people decide to do or don’t do. It sounds like you don’t trust your partner financially. So why are you both wasting the only valuable true asset (time)?

She had to rely on her savings to get her through maternity leave? Oh my, you are a piece of work. You don’t care about her, you care about you. The holidays and meals were things you wanted and you needed someone else to share them with you for you to get enjoyment from them. You do not have a family, you have a list of bills to pay, there is no future in this relationship because your future is your security and that is all about you. If you really loved her, then her future and security would be more of a concern, you wouldn’t want to leave her feeling financially vulnerable, I think you are prioritising money over love - and no relationship has a future when you do this - the trust is gone and without it what do you have? You’ve really messed this up - counselling might help if you are very lucky

Well, if this isn't a reverse or just an angry man thread;
You, I assume, proposed marraige and she accepted.
On this basis she got pregnant with your child.
In the normal course of events this means you combine everything. Household expenses, property, childcare/expenses.
You have backtracked and she knows this. She is in a precarious position, as many women are in this world.

You were looking to retain all of your assets in the event of a split and she found out. I imagine that this was shocking and extremely hurtful to your partner, a new mum, and contributed directly to your split.

Your actions were a wake up call and she realised she has no financial security with you because despite having a child together what's yours is your alone. Mate, the nature of the beast is that you share everything in a committed int term relationship. There is no "mine" and "yours". If you love her, marry her and give her and your child that security.

If you are not willing to marry her and share your money, all of it, then pay her off and let her go. Bearing in mind that if you are not generous your child will figure out who is the bad guy. It won't be hard to join the dots.

So she took on all costs during maternity leave, and you think her paying full nursery costs is fair.

By this logic basically you own the house and the owns the child. So if you split she'd get full custody and you'd get all the house.

Sound stupid? That's because it is. Why should she take on all the costs of your joint child which isn't recoverable, while you build up assets.

I don't understand what you both have been doing for the last 10 years. Have you ever properly discussed finances? The time to protect your house would have been when she moved in and I think if you didn't have a mortgage then you shouldn't have taken rent. Did you discuss maternity and who thought it was ok for her to use up all her savings? Do you actually want to get married and share assets? I mean I actually don't and I have 2 kids with my DP but I guess the difference is I know we are both financially secure which your DP isn't and that is partly down to you. If you want to save the relationship why don't you say it was wrong to take rent, offer her all those payments back and the maternity savings but say when you marry you want to totally ringfence the house

If this is the deal you should be paying all of the mortgage and half of the nursery expenses. If you want to keep the house separate you still have a duty to provide for your child.