How far do I have to go to support my partner’s relationship with his son?

[tittletattle39]

I have two teenage children who live with me. My partner has one teenage son who lives a few hours away from him. My partner and I don’t live together for a number of different reasons but we generally have a really close relationship and see each other a lot. My partner isn’t able to have his son stay over with him at the place he rents and needs me to have him stay at my house when he visits for weekends once a month and for five separate week-long stays during school holidays. I’ve never been completely happy with this as I’ve always felt it encroaches on my time with my own children but I let it happen for a while until recently it got to the point that I became resentful of feeling obliged to do it as it was changing the dynamic of the house during the times I cherish most (e.g. Christmas and summer holidays etc when things are generally a bit slower-paced and I can enjoy time with the children without having to run around to clubs etc so much). Things came to a head this Christmas when I said I couldn’t do it any more and I want my house back to myself for me and my own children to enjoy some downtime during the holidays without having to feel self-conscious about having another teenage boy in the house. It has caused a rift between me and my partner as he feels I’m not supporting him or being a team player. AIBU?

YANBU He is taking the piss. You aren’t running a hotel.

It is his responsibility to provide somewhere suitable for his son to stay during contact time, not yours.

YANBU - why can't his son stay with him?

I should add that he genuinely can’t afford anywhere that could accommodate them both and he is in a difficult situation. He wouldn’t put this on me if it was avoidable. I want to help but also conscious that the pressure falls onto me and my relationship with my own children and it just breeds resentment.

How did this even come about? He needs to live somewhere that his son can stay at. That's the minimum standard of being a parent.

Why do you have to be a team player in a situation that is entirely his?

Is he a team player when it comes to supporting your kids?

Maybe his focus should be less on blaming you, and more on getting somewhere suitable for HIS child to visit.

In all honesty it sounds like he's shown his true colours here, he was using your house, probably hoping to just move in and have his son there whenever too instead of trying to sort something out for himself, and I would probably end the relationship due to his entitlement of your space.

Well if he can’t have his son over night he will have to make the most of the time he spends with him during the day.

Or move somewhere suitable.

Does he work?

The team player comment would wind me up. This arrangement has NO benefits for you and your dc. NONE. Surely as a team everyone has to benefit? put your dc first. these years are so fleeting, they don't need their home taken over for weel long stays by your dp and his son.

YANBU. I felt claustrophobic just reading that!

Please stick to your no, don’t be brow beaten into agreeing again, you owe neither of them a stay.

May I ask what happens when partner and his son stay, does he do lots of housework, cooking, shopping and pay for food and toilet roll, washing powder etc? Or is it left to you?

He needs to accommodate his son himself. If it’s a one bed flat, he could let the son have his bed and he sleeps on the sofa. Or whatever. I find it hard to believe he can’t squeeze him in somehow.

Would he even be dating you uf you had a smaller house?

He is mostly very kind to me, very loving and puts our relationship first above other things he has going on. His relationship with my children can be up and down. He can be great and helpful but can also be quite impatient with them and says he has to bite his tongue a lot with things they say and do. It fluctuates. We have very different parenting styles. When it’s just us two, it’s great. When we are all together, it can go either way.

Partner needs to think creatively. Could he get an air bnb for the weeks with his son, would that be cheaper than moving into a bigger property for the whole year? Could son not even stay at his for the weekends? Why not? Could Dad sleep on the sofa and give son his bed. Or is there no sofa, just a studio apartment? Basically he needs to figure out what would he do if he was single and do that. It might mean getting a second job to afford a suitable home. If he doesn't want to, that doesn't make it your problem.

Where did his son stay before he met you?

Of course YANBU!

He's impatient with your children?
Put your children first and not only don't allow him to use your house as a hotel, but consider whether you having a relationship with him is the best thing for your children.

How does the two different parenting styles in the same household work during the weekend and holidays?

How do your kids feel about it?

It’s for your partner to sort. To be honest , the son could have an air bed on his bedroom floor if it’s a HMO, or DO could sleep on the sofa if a one day flat. Or if all else fails - he could get an Air BnB

He was staying with his parents but that’s not possible any more as there is no room for them there now that they have moved house and have other relatives living there. That would have been the perfect solution otherwise.

Yes, he works but with current rent prices can only afford a house-share, renting a room. I genuinely feel bad for him but also want to protect my own space and relationship with my own children. 🙁

Good question 🤔

So he's taking the five weeks off work and staying in your house too? Or does he go to work and leave his DS with you? Do you have an extra room for his DS to stay even?

I would hate having to have the extra men in the house. Is one of your teens a girl? Bet she's not too pleased either.

His comment about being a team player is out of order. Does he ever take his son away in the holidays so that it isn't all on you? What would he do if you were no longer together?

Does your parnter also come and stay with you during that time?

What do you mean he was staying with his parents? The parents are split up - this is confusing me

He won’t allow me to be out of pocket and he contributes to make sure I’m not put out at all. It’s more the dynamic in the household that bothers me because the atmosphere just feels different when they’re here. Not necessarily even bad different - just not the same as when it’s just the three of us.

YANBU. And at least you both know blending won’t work for your families as you don’t feel comfortable around each other.

I can understand why he is upset though as it will damage his relationship with his son. Son could stay over for a night or two in his dad’s room but it’s not going to work for any longer than that.