How far do I have to go to support my partner’s relationship with his son?

[tittletattle39]

I have two teenage children who live with me. My partner has one teenage son who lives a few hours away from him. My partner and I don’t live together for a number of different reasons but we generally have a really close relationship and see each other a lot. My partner isn’t able to have his son stay over with him at the place he rents and needs me to have him stay at my house when he visits for weekends once a month and for five separate week-long stays during school holidays. I’ve never been completely happy with this as I’ve always felt it encroaches on my time with my own children but I let it happen for a while until recently it got to the point that I became resentful of feeling obliged to do it as it was changing the dynamic of the house during the times I cherish most (e.g. Christmas and summer holidays etc when things are generally a bit slower-paced and I can enjoy time with the children without having to run around to clubs etc so much). Things came to a head this Christmas when I said I couldn’t do it any more and I want my house back to myself for me and my own children to enjoy some downtime during the holidays without having to feel self-conscious about having another teenage boy in the house. It has caused a rift between me and my partner as he feels I’m not supporting him or being a team player. AIBU?

He is mostly very kind to me, very loving and puts our relationship first above other things he has going on.

Other things, like what?

He sounds like he asks a fair bit of you. You are housing him and his son and losing time and space with your own kids. What exactly is he giving up or losing out on? How does he put himself out for you - other than 'biting his tongue a lot' with your kids?

Is he really, genuinely unable to rent a separate place of his own (even a one bed flat with a sofa bed in the lounge could work)? Or is it more "can't afford to get a place because won't compromise on XYZ"?

YANBU . So he can see his DS during the day but since he doesn't have room for him to stay he can't have him overnight. Do not cave in! You and your children need your space. You do not live with this man so it's weird that he thinks that he can have his DS sleeping at your place. Your biggest mistake was saying yes to this. Now you have to backtrack and stay firm. If he throws a fit it shows that he doesn't realise that HE is the one responsible for his son, not you. I would think very hard about this relationship if I were you. Is he perhaps a cocklodger by proxy 🤔

So just continue dating him if everything is fine when it’s just the two of you.

You don’t need to blend families. It sounds like it’s not a great situation for your DC and of course you should be prioritising them.

Can your partner take him to an airb&b for a week? Or maybe camp somewhere in the summer months?

Sorry but this is not your issue to solve.

He chose to live in a house share.
He chose to live hours away from his child / he allowed his child to move hours away.

Why can he not stay at his parents home and sleep in the lounge?
Why can he not give his son his bed and he sleep on an airbed in the house share?

But I revert back to my original point - this is not your issue to solve. He is an adult, with a child - albeit a teenage child.
He cannot and should not expect to muscle in on your home with your children for weeks on end.
"Team player" WTF - he's just your boyfriend fgs! RUDE and ENTITLED behaviour.

I imagine your children don't particularly like him - they probably pick up on him "biting his tongue" well he damn well should be when he's cocklodging in your house with his child; changing your household dynamics and expecting you to house them both when he is incapable.

You're not supporting him - oh dear.
Sounds like he's incapable of supporting himself - and sufficiently housing himself and his child. He is the one not being a responsible parent here; and trying to push the blame onto you, make you feel guilty so you agree to his demands.
What if you wasn't in the picture? What would he be doing then?
So again, I revert back to the top statement - not your issue to solve!

This is not someone you should have around your dc at all.

Can you give us examples where he puts you and your relationship first? Because from what you say, he is inpatient with your children, imposes on your space with his kid and when you put down your REASONABLE boundaries down, it causes a rift..

If your partner actually lived with you then of course you would accommodate his son as required. But this is a bizarre situation and on balance YANBU.

Also I wonder how his son feels about this. It’s not his other home, it’s not even his dad’s place, and I can imagine that he probably feels like he is encroaching on you and is probably uncomfortable.

Your partner needs to sort himself out.

I don't think you're BU, and the fact his son being there makes you feel less comfortable than you want to be AND your parenting styles don't match possibly means you're not a great match in general.

Do you think you putting your foot down will jeopardise the relationship...and does that bother you?

If the atmosphere feels different and not in a good way to you, imagine how it feels to your boys! Who have to have an unrelated adult, with another kid their aged staying in their home for great long chunks of time - an adult who is impatient with them no less. An adult GUEST who is impatient with the residents of that home. Ridiculous!

Put a stop to this now

@tittletattle39 whilst it’s not ideal surely he can get a sofa bed/camp bed or blow up bed for the time his sons there?

Someone’s already asked, during these week long stays are they both staying with you 24/7 or is he leaving his son with you while he goes to work?

You’re absolutely right to end the arrangement and he’s a cheeky sod to expect so much and lash out when you decline to continue. Not sure mostly nice to you is a ringing endorsement of a boyfriend, least of all when he’s not that nice to your children. Possibly time to reevaluate things. What would happen if the ex got very ill or died, would he still not accommodate his son by himself? It’s bizarre.

I'm sorry OP but he sounds like a deadbeat dad and he's taking you for a mug.

Why does he live so far away from his child?
Why does he only have him one weekend a month?
Why was it his parents or your responsibility to provide appropriate accommodation for the pathetic amount of contact he has? What would he do if his ex did a flit and he became the resident parent?

Its sounds like a load of excuses and he prioritises himself and his needs above everyone else.

You need rid.

What would he do if you didn't exist??

Some men are very good at the :

' I can't...', 'it's impossible...' narrative... He's taken HIS problem and made it YOUR problem...

Why doesn't he live with you?? As he is treating you as a step parent...

But what would he do if the two of you weren’t in a relationship? Just because he can’t afford to live anywhere other than a house share doesn’t mean he gets free reign to the home you & your children share.

I definitely hear the “it’s impossible” narrative from him. We have a lot of discussions about mindset and going the extra mile when you’re a parent to make things happen, no matter how impossible they may seem. We don’t live together through my choice at the moment because I value my independence after a previous divorce. I own 50% of my home (50% mortgage) and he can’t afford to put anything in, equity-wise. I’m reluctant to give up control within my own home for no benefit and only risk. His housing and family situation is genuinely difficult. The current rental market has priced out lots of single dads who pay their exes decent monthly maintenance, which he does. He is kind and loyal to me but we suspect he has autism which affects how he processes some things, hence our different parenting styles and how he reacts to some things that the children do (he’s quite literal and doesn’t always get the slack way that teenagers like to behave sometimes). His situation is difficult but I appreciate everyone’s thoughts on whether I’m being unreasonable saying no to this. I knew I wasn’t being unreasonable having boundaries for myself but I felt selfish for purposely leaving him between a rock and hard place that I could solve for him. I want to be in a partnership with him and for us to support each other but I struggle with the lack of reciprocity in terms of what we both stand to gain and lose from the arrangement. Thanks, everyone.

Sorry love but single dads paying a tiny percent of their income to support their shared child where the residential parent pays 100 % of their income to support their shared child, is not the housing market pricing single dads out. 🫠
it’s just lazy useless men looking to not parent or be an adult.

YANBU, I voted YABU but missed that you don’t live together.

You don’t owe him this. You haven’t blended your families as you don’t live together. He needs to be able to provide a reasonable space for his son. Surely as a teenager they could share a room for a few days?

It’s his issue to solve but if you value you the relationship could you compromise? As in, he can stay the one weekend per month but he needs to make another arrangement in the holidays?

Don’t let him move in with you, which would be the next step (for him). That would be all gain (for him) and none for you. You’re not responsible for his child.

How long have you been together?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

How many fucking times do we have to hear this bollocks?

'He can't afford it / it's too hard / he lives too far away / I love him' and my all-time personal favourite, 'I think he might be autistic'.

Drag your self-esteem off the floor, OP, if not for you, for the sake of your kids and also that of this that's poor son.

You're not a rehabilitation centre for useless men.

'We have a lot of conversations about mindset.'

😄

I think you should start having fewer conversations about mindset and more about how he plans to become an actual functioning adult and parent.

So you pointed out a reasonable need and boundary you have and he's giving you a hard time? I am not sure he is being a team player here.

Always autism blamed for crap parents. Autism doesn't give him an excuse for commenting on your parenting of children you have full time when he doesn't even parent the one he has a few days a month.

He's full of excuses. He could move near his son and parent 50/50. No excuse of can't afford because he's paying decent maintenance then as he won't get paying it.

Your instincts told you he's not someone you should live with. He's not someone that should be around your children either. There are plenty of men who won't interfere or take advantage. Pity is not a good basis for a relationship it leaves you vulnerable.

I haven't RTFT and I'm sure others have already said this - but it is his responsibility to provide a home for his son. He has been taking the absolute piss with this arrangement. I hope he has at least contributed to the bills during these stays.

I wouldn't care if this caused a rift as I wouldn't want to be with someone who was so wet they couldn't provide housing for their child then had the hide to blame it on you when you got sick of their piss-taking.