How far do I have to go to support my partner’s relationship with his son?

[tittletattle39]

I have two teenage children who live with me. My partner has one teenage son who lives a few hours away from him. My partner and I don’t live together for a number of different reasons but we generally have a really close relationship and see each other a lot. My partner isn’t able to have his son stay over with him at the place he rents and needs me to have him stay at my house when he visits for weekends once a month and for five separate week-long stays during school holidays. I’ve never been completely happy with this as I’ve always felt it encroaches on my time with my own children but I let it happen for a while until recently it got to the point that I became resentful of feeling obliged to do it as it was changing the dynamic of the house during the times I cherish most (e.g. Christmas and summer holidays etc when things are generally a bit slower-paced and I can enjoy time with the children without having to run around to clubs etc so much). Things came to a head this Christmas when I said I couldn’t do it any more and I want my house back to myself for me and my own children to enjoy some downtime during the holidays without having to feel self-conscious about having another teenage boy in the house. It has caused a rift between me and my partner as he feels I’m not supporting him or being a team player. AIBU?

Now I’ve heard it all: the rental market disadvantages single dads! Jesus wept.

He’s done a number on you, OP. Glad you aren’t living with him - don’t EVER let that happen. He’s not on your team.

I’m reluctant to give up control within my own home for no benefit and only risk. His housing and family situation is genuinely difficult. The current rental market has priced out lots of single dads who pay their exes decent monthly maintenance, which he does.

Very wise of you not to let him move in.

If he genuinely can’t afford to rent even a one bedroom flight, he should reduce CMS to the minimum he’s required to pay. That way at least his children can stay with him.

Did he and ex own a home? Did he get half the equity?

Your children will fly the nest in a few years. Good partners are difficult to come by. I am not saying you must definitely accommodate his son. However it would be wise to consider how your life might look in 5 years time imo

What if he decides he doesn't want to continue dating over this issue?

What's the real issue here? Are OP children objecting to another male and another teenager staying in the house? Or is OP defending her hard-won post divorce independence? Something else? I don't see this relationship surviving she she puts her foot down this issue. This is not the same as saying it needs to survive

THIS! ⬆️ A man who isn't able to provide for his kid & sulks that you won't instead would give me the ick & be a deal breaker.

He needs another solution for his time with his son. Who moved away?

On the face of it, it’s an odd decision of the parents, not to prioritise their son and grandchild.

I live with my DP and hair two children stay for half the holidays and 5/14 nights. They are great kids and I love them but you are right, it does change the dynamics. We worked round this by making sure the kids visits don’t fully coincide with mine so everyone gets time with just their parent.

I don’t bite my tongue as such but I do not ‘parent’ my SDC so don’t get involved in that aspect. They have two parents and have been raised very differently to mine so should not be ‘held to account’ by me! My DP is much more nurturing than me, and this is reflected by his parenting.

It doesn’t have to be never have his child visit just limited to a couple of days…

What happens when you go on dates? Does he pay his share?

Did his ex move hours away or did he move from his child? If he can't provide suitable overnight accommodation for his son then he needs to move close enough for day visits to work.

so he’s not willing to entirely get on board with your kids or how you parent them but expects you to accommodate this arrangement with his kid.
it all sounds very tricky but with you being on such different pages with parenting (like being in a position to suitably house your own kids for example) I think you need to choose between a relationship where there is little contact with each others kids and it stays separate or you both need to find some acceptable common ground about a blended family

Have you met the mother of his child? Why did the relationship end?

I would be interested to know how the children get on. Are they friends, do they enjoy the visits, or are they unlikely to form a bond?

Can visits be limited, so not all your holidays are impacted. Can he take his child away for the odd holiday, caravan holidays or camping maybe.

I think he is asking far too much of you and do not blame you for wanting to push back.

If it ends the relationship, so be it, at least you'd know what it is he wants from you.

Its amazing how much more attractive women become to a certain type of man when they own their own home.

Well done on not letting him move in with you, keep it that way.

What would he do without you? Just not see his son? You’re not a hotel. He needs to get an Airbnb or move to somewhere bigger to accommodate contact. What did he do before you came along?

Well then he needs to get his arse in gear and get a better job doesn't he? I will never understand why so many women put up with this nonsense.

Do you have daughters OP? If you do, you are modelling very dysfunctional relationship behaviour to them.

Yep, no one falls in love faster than a man looking for somewhere to live.
Her poor kids...

Are you OP’s partner?

Your posts make it sound like the OP ought to put up with any old shit just to avoid the desperate horror of not having a man. She has a home of her own, a life of her own.

As far as I can see, this man is an entitled, self-pitying piss artist who can’t prioritise housing his own child and moans to his girlfriend about how maintenance payments disadvantage absentee dads (!!), and how terribly hard done by he is since the last woman to prop up his life left the scene.

AND he has the balls to criticise her parenting of her own children.

What a prince among men!

‘The current rental market has priced out lots of single dads who pay their exes decent monthly maintenance, which he does’

sorry lovely but he’s taking you for a mug here, he has a child!! How much more do you think it would cost to actually house, feed, clothe, etc etc etc this child if he had residence of him. It’s a complete cop out