If you could go back and do things differently, would you? And what would you change?

[thecherryfox]

I know there are so many lovely people on here of different ages, and I’m just curious about your lives. Is there anything you wish you done differently that would have changed the outcome of your life? I believe every choice we make leads to another path and another path off of that one and so on -so if we didn’t make the initial choice (no matter how small) of one path, it wouldn’t have led to the end result. So, is there anything you would have changed and in what way would your life be different than it is now?

Thought I better NC for this, also leaving some parts a bit vague.

11 year old me would stay away from the abuser grooming me, non-blood relative, that ultimately led to a teenage pregnancy. Due to family connections 40-50 year old me still to this day has to see him at family weddings/funerals etc. No one knows and no one ever asked, everyone from GP, Midwifes, family etc just assumed I was a promiscuous teenager rather than an abused one.

I would then have been able to go Uni instead of bringing up a child, doing exams and working fulltime from 16. I worked bloody hard and financially have achieved everything I aspires to but have hit the ceiling career wise as I never had the time or funds to do a degree and can't be arsed now!

I would have focussed on finding a DH at uni, and not bought the first flat I had, which I ended up selling at a loss.

I wish I'd picked a different career and chased the money. I excelled at maths and think I would have done well in a finance job. Moved to London, worked like a dog, made a few million and checked out in my mid thirties. Still young enough to do what I want and a lifetime to do it.

Instead, I picked a 'safe' and 'respectable' career. One my parents approved of. Its given me an ok living. But I'm bored and have another 20 years to go until I can retire.

As a Maths major who works in Finance - first in the City and now across the pond - I can assure you: very, very few people make a few millions pounds by their mid-thirties.

i wish i had a proper career in something useful, like nursing, physiotherapy, law, or something that would help people with their situations., instead of flitting from one rubbish job to the next.

I’ve got so many regrets OP I don’t know where to start

Maybe think about some counseling. Sometimes inertia or a freeze response can be a learned childhood survival mechanism that is difficult to break out of as an adult

I would have got the braces I was told I needed at 12 instead of point blank refusing and saved myself the hassle of having to deal with horrible teeth issues throughout my 20s and early 30s.

Got help for my mental health sooner instead of hiding it, resulting in numerous bad choices in my teens years and failing my GCSEs after being top of most of my classes for the majority of my school years.

As for the more serious stuff....I think I'll keep it. I'm always told that I'm kind, easy to talk to, calming etc. And I think it's because of a lot that happened to me (I have CPTSD) that shaped who I am today. I don't like my looks all that much, or my height, definitely not these bloody teeth. But I like who I am inside.

Interesting to hear the big, repeated themes. As I hear them:

1. Prioritising what we truly want and our own needs. Including ending bad relationships sooner, avoiding them completely and generally taking less shit.
2. Taking care of our health better and more proactively
3. Making better financial decisions, including going for higher earning careers, saving earlier, and delaying or not having children.

I definitely have the first two of these regrets myself.
On top of that, I wish I'd learned to love and accept my body sooner.

I was offered 2 jobs in my mid twenties, both would mean moving country. One to a “glamorous” European city with a huge paycheck and the other to a poorer country where I would be helping with development to rebuild after a civil war. My heart said pick the poorer country but everyone said I was mad not to take the glamorous job. I listened and regretted it, had the worst year of my career and ended up suing the company for ignoring sexual and racial harassment at the hands of my Director. The silver lining is I got a payout big enough to get me on the property ladder, toughened up and became much better at not tolerating bullshit personally and professionally, but my mental health took a very very long time to recover. I learned then never to ignore my instincts or base my actions and decisions on others opinions. It’s served me well, I’m glad I learned the lesson relatively young and as such have no regrets since - all my decisions (bad or good) have led me to where I am, but they were all my own.

Would not have gone to eating disorder treatment. My habits were no different to an ozempic users, and I did not have to change.

Not spend so.long with my partner who.never put me first.

Not blow my 10k savings at 18.

• Wish I had the confidence to say NO in my teens, no to men I didn't like, but felt like I had to say yes to not upset them or to be accepted. I killed my esteem so much in the process. Now that I have daughters, I look back and I want to cry. I want them to not try and fit in but to things because they want to.

• Wish I took school more seriously and got better grades

• took a different career path

• Settled down at a age where I know myself better as a person

It's tricky isn't it. Because I love my kids and I love my job and I love my house.

But all of the things I think I would like to change - go to the original uni I chose, not meet ex, stay with previous ex, move away - would mean I wouldn't have any of those things and my children wouldn't exist.

It's weird.

I would have looked after my health and fitness better. In my early 50s I'm not in a terrible state, but I have had some health issues which I might have avoided. The one event I would theoretically like to erase, I actually wouldn't, because it indirectly led to me meeting dh and therefore also having my dc.

I wouldn't retire early to take on the care of my parents because my siblings were terrible and did nothing to help but complained and backstabbed me for doing it .

Probably worked less hard, maybe done a 4 day week when a young parent

Started pension at 21, put extra in on an ad hoc basis, retired at 57. My best decision, alongside overpaying mortgage every month

It's not too late to get justice

Every single big decision I've taken, including choosing friends

I certainly wouldn't spend my 20s, 30s and 40s thinking I was fat! and now I'm actually fat and in my 50s !!

I wouldn't have started going out with a particular group of people who encouraged actions that I take full responsibility for but which ultimately ended my marriage. Didn't have an affair or anything but it did highlight how different my exH and my interests and outlooks on life were. I should have settled for what I had then wouldn't be skint and alone whilst he is happily re-married and rolling in money! Certainly don't begrudge him his happiness but I'm very lonely right now.

I wish I could have been more assertive - I would do things to avoid arguments both with DM and DH.
Standing up for myself.
I turned down a job for another one that at the time was more exciting but how things worked out the original would have been better in that I would have got mat leave.
I didn't discourage DH from taking up a hobby that involved him getting home even later from work and out on important days

I will, once my parents are away. That's the plan anyway, not sure if I will go through with it though as it will change the whole family dynamic. E.g my now adult child will find out they have a closer link to to some relatives than they thought. Being vague but e.g 2nd cousin is really a nephew, that type of thing.

Different career. Lived somewhere nearer the sea.