Am I being unreasonable or was last night just odd?

[meldgaard0]

Hi all,

So last night has left me feeling a bit… off, and I just need to know if anyone else would feel the same or if I’m overthinking.

We went round to a friend’s house for dinner. Nothing fancy, just a casual catch-up. When we arrived, everything seemed fine, but as the evening went on, it just felt a bit weird. They kept mentioning how “last-minute” everything was and apologising for the food (which was actually fine, by the way), but they kept going on and on about it to the point where it felt awkward.

Then halfway through the evening, their dog came into the dining room (not a problem, I love dogs), but they started feeding it bits from the table. Like, actual scraps of what was on our plates. I get that some people do that at home, but when you’ve got guests? I just found it a bit gross.

The whole vibe was just… strange. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it felt like they didn’t actually want us there? We left around 10ish, and on the drive home, my OH said he felt the same – like something was just off.

Am I reading too much into this, or was it just one of those nights?

Would love to know what others would think in this situation.

Thanks in advance x

I think either a row or someone got really stressed out about not being ready on time. I don't get the issue with the dog, lots of people do this.

A few years ago DH and i had a similar experience. Couple friends invited us for dinner then on the day said it was just drinks which I thought was a bit odd. We could have just picked up a takeaway. When we got there one of them was in PJs watching TV, they kept the TV on the whole time and we chatted over a drink and left as they kept telling us how tired they both were. Bizarre, usually a lovely welcoming couple. I can only assume they had an argument about making dinner and someone went on strike.

I can't quite believe what I'm reading so just to get this straight - you're saying the four of you were sitting round the table eating, food on all four plates, and one of your hosts reached across and took a food item from either your plate or your partner's to feed to their dog? I know people are increasingly treating their dogs as if they're human but you surely wouldn't take food from a guest's plate to feed to a child, or anyone else.

I'm probably baffled and outraged because over my cold dead body would anybody steal food from my plate. I love my food.

Ohh, off the guests' plates? I missed that part.

Could be worse though OP. At least they didn't serve Pom Bears

I'm sure there was something going on if you felt a vibe, maybe you'll never know what it is.

It's awful to feel unwelcome.

Depends how well you know them and if you've been round to their house before?

It could either be something you don't know about or something to do with the friendship/their personalities?

How did you meet them? Have you seen them in a lot of environments before?

I have known, say, a couple who were/are quite ardent/enthusiastic about getting new friends but also quite "difficult" to be around....High-achieving with nice home, but quite prickly and didn't communicate well, often triangulating others into their arguments.

They liked the "idea" of being bon vivant hosts but also didn't really make visitors (or anyone) feel comfortable. You could see them cycling through new people quite regularly!

(Very possibly ND, where they were fairly intense/sticking to what they found comfortable and weren't aware that others were uncomfortable.

You often got the sense that you'd randomly walked in on "their evening and routine and schedule", even if invited!).

I'd pull back a bit and observe rather than get over-involved.

Regardless of the reasons you didn't enjoy the evening so I'd be reticent to actively keep this level of connection up.

Maybe they're better as going out occasional friends or group friends rather than closer friends?

Is it possible that one of them invited you and then forgot to tell their partner and sort of sprung it on them last minute? If my DH told me in the morning before work 'oh by the way, I invited x and x for dinner tonight, sorry I forgot to tell you' I'd be pretty flustered if I had a full day at work and then possibly need to shop for the food and then cook and tidy up when I got home! Could this have been what happened maybe?

Is it possible the one who invited you expected you to cancel? Might this have happened previously? And then it became clear on the night that they had to feed you or had to tell the other about the invitation?

The dog thing probably wouldn’t have been such a big deal if they weren’t feeding it off our plates!

They reached over, picked food off your plate, and gave it to the dog?

I think that's very rude.

The rest of the evening might have been weird but it doesn't sound like there's anything concrete that you can tell us that would say either way.

They’d probably had a really shit day and/or forgotten you were coming until the last minute. I doubt it’s anything deep.

This - was it a couple or one person op?

I would have been taken back if the host fed the dog off my plate. That would have been really odd and made me feel weird. Like it was time to go. I would have made my swift excuses.

If you're that close friends why didn't you speak up and say err excuse me that's my plate and make a joke of the dog thing?

Sounds like a just got home from work late, looking forward to sitting down with a takeaway and TV, only for one to come back in the room saying 'Oh, I forgot to tell you - @meldgaard0 's coming over in a minute'.

'WHAT? They're not wanting feeding, are they?'

'Uh, yeah. They did kind of say dinner'.

'Fuck, fuck fuck, I need some clothes, put your socks back on - no way are you walking the dog now, you're cooking and I'll lay the - FUCK - give me a binbag <sweeps a week's worth of post, three piles of washing and a dog treat off the table>. Can you please give me more than ten minute's warning next time?'

'I didn't mean to, I forgot,OK?'

'Well yes, you never mean to, but I'm still here trying to do everything, aren't I? The dog will just have to wait, there's no way on earth you're disappearing off with him now and leaving me to entertain them - DING DONG - don't just stand there, you get that and I'll deal with the dog. Oh, HELLO @meldgaard0 - how lovely to see you!'

I wonder if you might mention it when you text / call to say thanks for having us round last night. Perhaps add it was a nice evening and good to catch up although just wanted to check everything is OK as I noticed you were a tad quiet / or hope it wasn't too much faff for you or such like

The dog thing - well, if it's leftovers and you're not eating them and the plates are being collected, it's better than wasting the food, surely?

The 'well, isn't this nice, if a bit impromptu?' is what is said when one person has forgotten to tell/remind the other person that visitors are coming, by the person who hasn't been told but was expected to cook. Usually while throwing dagger-looks at their partner who is normally oblivious. Was one person more relaxed than the other, perhaps, OP?

It sounds that whatever was going on was in no way your fault, so you have nothing to worry about on that score. Next time you see one of the couple on their own, you could ask how things are are be ready to ask more questions to draw them out. And/or you could message whichever one you are closest to saying thanks for the evening, it was really nice food although you said it was put together last minute - BTW, I hope you hadn't forgotten we were coming, lol.

I really can't get your concern over the dog being given scraps from your plate, OP. From what you've said they picked up scraps from your plates after the meal and gave them to the dog. The dog didn't lick the plates. Nothing odd going on there. It's something that an awful lot of dog owners would do.

Yeah, I think a row or maybe some other personal issue was going on in the background that made them a bit apologetic and awkward, maybe the apologising to you seemed to be a 'neutral' bit of conversation so they didn't have to think about whatever else was going on. I'd just chalk it up to an off night and not read too much into it.

Thanks for your reply – and yes, you’ve read that right!

It wasn’t like they reached over and physically took food off our plates (that would’ve been a whole other level of strange), but they did sort of gesture to us and say, “Oh, the dog loves this,” and then took a bit off their own plate or a serving dish to give to the dog.

I think what made it uncomfortable was that it was done so casually, like it was completely normal behaviour, and it just felt a bit unhygienic. Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs, but feeding them scraps at the table – especially while guests are eating – feels a bit much.

I’m with you, though, if anyone tried to actually take food from my plate to feed anyone (human or dog), I think I’d be absolutely speechless! I love my food too, so I can’t imagine sitting there watching my dinner being divvied up.

What food did they make?

To let the dog eat off the plate is unpleasant and we have dogs ourselves, but to offer a piece of food off of the plate from your hand is different

Was the one who invited you the one who cooked?

I may be wrong but I'm sensing a scenario where the husband magnanimously invited guests without asking wife and expected her to cook because it's one of "her" jobs, then forgot to tell her until the night before. My dad used to do this to my mum. She was never frosty in front of guests but she would be annoyed with him though he didn't care and kept doing it.

I took your initial phrasing to mean they took from your plate. Since you now clarified that wasn't the case, I don't think I would have minded. It was their own plate.

Right so it was off their own plate. You deliberately made it sound like they took it off your plate for some reason maybe to make it sound weirder than it is

None of that sounds odd to me but I understand there might have have been a weird vibe. I wouldn't think anything of them giving scraps to the dog. I didn't realise you should take do that in front of guests! Saying it was all last minute doesn't seem odd either.
However, if you sensed they weren't in the best of moods that names it awkward. I'd assume they'd just an argument or more likely were knackered after the working week and hadn't been very organised.