To go to the Evening do or not...

[NewYearSameMeeee]

I worked with a girl I remained friends with, not close, but meet up for drinks every few months.

When we worked together I was due to be married and invited a very selected few friends from work for the Evening (as 40 odd people worked there, hence couldn't invite everyone.)

As it got closer and closer, despite several gentle nudges I received no RSVP. Eventually, about 2 weeks prior to the day she said she was sorry but couldn't come as had accidentally double booked a Comedy show out of the city.😬

I was pretty hurt, as I'd given her the invite a few months earlier and we'd been chatting about my upcoming Wedding a few times at lunch etc.(not constant, annoying Bridezilla, just occasional chat about the day, my dress etc)

My DH was quite annoyed for me as I was hurt, but we let it slide.

Move forward 7 years, we no longer work together, but still meet up occasionally and keep in touch as I'm not generally one to bare a grudge.

She got engaged at Christmas and I've received a Save The Date for her Wedding Eve do.

DH says no way - make an excuse, she made no effort for us.

I think it will be obvious if I tit for tat - so think we should just go.

I won't finish work until 6pm, so it will be a ridiculous dash. I'd prefer not to go -and am obviously not using half a day annual leave to finish early for her when she made zero effort for my Wedding which was on a Saturday.

Would you go??

I wouldn’t.

My DH wouldn't even be listening once I started on about it. He'd start zoning out.

She's telling us the whole story and nothing wrong with that, I don't think she's holding a grudge as if she was, she wouldn't be meeting up with her for drinks, don't read or answer if it annoys you so much

"The evening do isn't the reception. It's after the reception.

I get the confusion over whether it was the evening before, as one pp asked. We did a thing the night before our wedding for friends who had travelled a long way."

Yeah I know it's not the reception. It's the evening 'do, clue is in the name. I just don't get how some posters don't understand. That's why I thought they didn't get invited to many weddings or didn't get out much. Or maybe they were just being dicks and were trying to pick holes in the OP. I'm betting on the last one.

As I said earlier:
OP wrote "Wedding Eve" though. It is entirely obvious she meant the evening do, especially as she also wrote evening in the thread title but to then go.to the trouble of capitalising the E but not bothering with the "ning" did make it look, at a glance, as though it was something the night before. Like Christmas Eve.
So yeah, a bit dense of people not to get she meant a normal evening do but not 100% unreasonable.

It's even more astoniishing that 7 years on, DH still remembers an ex-colleague of his wife, who turned down an evening do invite a couple of weeks beforehand, and is bearing a grudge about it still.

I wouldn't go because I think weddings are only really important to those close enough to be invited for the whole thing. I feel awkward turning up later on, when the day guests are well established. Perhaps she really felt the same about your evening do. It's not really relevant that yours was small.

After 7 years, abandon the tit for tat. However I personally decline evening invites unless it's on my doorstep. I dislike arriving at an evening party when most people are already quite oiled and annoying! I always send a gift though.

In Ireland the people who are only invited to the afters are called plate lickers, not good enough for the actual wedding but allowed go and finish off the leftovers😊

Yes! I really don't understand why people think it's acceptable to do this to their 'guests'.

Ah I misunderstood.

I still wouldn't go. However, I'd send my unable to attend ASAP not wait until.ladt moment as the 'friend ' did

Evening dos aren't that important really. They're the second tier we don't want you at the main bullfight but we still want a present type of thing and to replace the ones who get tired.

I don't know why you're making a big deal of it so many years later.

Just tell.her you can't make it if you don't want to go.

Go if you fancy a night out.

You’ve not had the invite yet. When you get that, wait till 2 weeks before the event then decline.

So you do bear a grudge. For 7 years 🤯

I hate wedding evening do's unless I know loads of people. So it would be a no thanks from me, and you're not being unreasonable as it's not really convenient for you. Tell her now, though, show her what good manners looks like.

If you want to go, go. If you don't want to go, don't go, but to hold on to a grudge from 7 years ago is a bit bat shit and says far more about you

I don't think I'd go. Not to be petty, but because it doesn't sound very convenient.
The only way I'd actually want to go, is if you've become much closer since your wedding.

A school mum RSVP'd yes for her twins to come to my DD's party, I organised a special separate meal for the boy because he had allergies, and she just didn't turn up. I still smile at her cheerily and say hello at school, and I'll turn up to her daughter's party with a gift and a smile because that's called taking the high road, and being a polite, well mannered person irrespective of how the other person behaves. I don't do tit for tat.