To go to the Evening do or not...

[NewYearSameMeeee]

I worked with a girl I remained friends with, not close, but meet up for drinks every few months.

When we worked together I was due to be married and invited a very selected few friends from work for the Evening (as 40 odd people worked there, hence couldn't invite everyone.)

As it got closer and closer, despite several gentle nudges I received no RSVP. Eventually, about 2 weeks prior to the day she said she was sorry but couldn't come as had accidentally double booked a Comedy show out of the city.😬

I was pretty hurt, as I'd given her the invite a few months earlier and we'd been chatting about my upcoming Wedding a few times at lunch etc.(not constant, annoying Bridezilla, just occasional chat about the day, my dress etc)

My DH was quite annoyed for me as I was hurt, but we let it slide.

Move forward 7 years, we no longer work together, but still meet up occasionally and keep in touch as I'm not generally one to bare a grudge.

She got engaged at Christmas and I've received a Save The Date for her Wedding Eve do.

DH says no way - make an excuse, she made no effort for us.

I think it will be obvious if I tit for tat - so think we should just go.

I won't finish work until 6pm, so it will be a ridiculous dash. I'd prefer not to go -and am obviously not using half a day annual leave to finish early for her when she made zero effort for my Wedding which was on a Saturday.

Would you go??

of course you go,
no point in tit for tat.

To be fair I think it is quite unusual to have a group of guests who arrive in the evening after the main event has happened at a wedding these days.

I've never been to a wedding as an adult where a second shift of guests arrive so I can understand that people aren't familiar with it.

I do remember these happening in the 1980s but wasn't aware it was still done commonly.

All of my friends were married at 3 or 4pm and had one group of guests.

The evening do is quite obviously the reception. It's a very common turn of phrase.

It'll be a bar and nibbles.

You can arrive late if working until 6pm and leave at a reasonable hour if working the next day.

So going is up to whether you want to or not?

OP wrote "Wedding Eve" though. It is entirely obvious she meant the evening do, especially as she also wrote evening in the thread title but to then go.to the trouble of capitalising the E but not bothering with the "ning" did make it look, at a glance, as though it was something the night before. Like Christmas Eve.

Anyway. OP go or don't go but make that a decision based on whether you want to and it's convenient or not, not on the basis of the resentment you clearly are holding onto 7 years later however much you claim you aren't.

Fwiw I got evening do.

I've been to many weddings where it's guests for wedding and wedding breakfast.

Then loads more turn up for 7pm piss up 😂

Pretty standard. The intimate wedding ceremony/speeches/meal for day guest - The less close Evening guests arrive 7pm for music, food dancing etc? Happens all the time with most Weddings I've attended??

No what's weird is your post, you know full well what it is.

No it’s still pretty common (we didn’t, but we’ve been to lots where this was done).

OP if this is a weekday wedding and you’ve just been invited to the evening reception not the ceremony or wedding breakfast, I think you are ok to decline. How far is it from your work? I’d go if it was local but I wouldn’t be doing a four hour round trip after work on a week night.

You don’t really want to go and it’s a pain to get there. Just decline politely and say “unfortunately, I am unable to attend due to a work commitment that day/week” or whatever.

It's really standard. Almost every wedding I've ever been to has guests just for the evening.

OK, so when I say I don't bare a grudge, I mean I've moved on, let it go and still remain friendly. Have I forgotten that it was a bit hurtful at the time? Of course not. DH is the one saying it will be a hassle after work- let's not go. I'm thinking it will look tit for tat as she didn't attend ours.😊

It’s not remotely unusual or “1980s” 🙄

Just to agree that yep it is totally fine to arrive late to an evening reception - there aren’t usually any speeches or food etc so it doesn’t matter at all if you arrive at 6pm or 8pm, or if you leave at 9pm or midnight.

It's not silly though. I'll be home at 6. The Evening do will start at 7.30pm. It's 45 minutes away from where I live so will be a dash to get ready....

Your user name is so in keeping with your ridiculous comment! Don't be a dick 👌🏻

Why do you need to go home first?

You can arrive at 8pm, or 8:30 if you need to. Nobody is going to notice.

After a day at work I'd prefer a shower/spruce up etc!

My guess is that your friend forgot about her behaviour about your wedding many years ago.
I would leave it nearer the day and then decide if you feel like accepting. You don’t rsvp to Save The Date anyway I don’t think.

She clearly means the reception and is using 'eve' for evening.

I'm sure you know this already and are just being arsey.

You haven’t forgotten about it because that’s why you made a post,

You let her think you’d got over it by remaining friends with her.

Now, you’re finding excuses not to go to her wedding evening.

If you don’t want to go, then don’t. She probably won’t care one way or the other, she’s still have her friends there.

Stop making her wedding all about you.

You don't have to get there at bang on 7:30. It's the evening do so you don't have to be as "done up" as you might for all day.

And you clearly haven't let it yo

She probably took so long to reply because she was embarrassed she had accidentally booked something the same day, although on MN she was probably waiting for a better offer. It wasn't like you needed to know for catering a whole meal, it was the evening do. Just over estimate on the buffet, it usually all goes anyway.

I think you need to absolutely actual let it go

My guess is that she doesn't consider you as good a friend as you do her. That's why she didn't want to attend your evening do. She's invited you to her evening do just so it isn't awkward when you next see her. She's probably hoping you won't go. Sorry if I sound a bit cynical.

I doubt she'll care that much, let alone think it's tit for tat! You also don't have to turn up at 7:30 on the dot, you could go wild and turn up at 8pm. Shocker. If it's not convenient or you don't want to go, just decline no need for all this. I think the real problem is that your real reasoning is tit for tat, you just don't want anyone to think it is.

So much drama.

Oh and you 'bear' a grudge. 'Bare' means naked.