To go to the Evening do or not...

[NewYearSameMeeee]

I worked with a girl I remained friends with, not close, but meet up for drinks every few months.

When we worked together I was due to be married and invited a very selected few friends from work for the Evening (as 40 odd people worked there, hence couldn't invite everyone.)

As it got closer and closer, despite several gentle nudges I received no RSVP. Eventually, about 2 weeks prior to the day she said she was sorry but couldn't come as had accidentally double booked a Comedy show out of the city.😬

I was pretty hurt, as I'd given her the invite a few months earlier and we'd been chatting about my upcoming Wedding a few times at lunch etc.(not constant, annoying Bridezilla, just occasional chat about the day, my dress etc)

My DH was quite annoyed for me as I was hurt, but we let it slide.

Move forward 7 years, we no longer work together, but still meet up occasionally and keep in touch as I'm not generally one to bare a grudge.

She got engaged at Christmas and I've received a Save The Date for her Wedding Eve do.

DH says no way - make an excuse, she made no effort for us.

I think it will be obvious if I tit for tat - so think we should just go.

I won't finish work until 6pm, so it will be a ridiculous dash. I'd prefer not to go -and am obviously not using half a day annual leave to finish early for her when she made zero effort for my Wedding which was on a Saturday.

Would you go??

If you don't want to go, don't go. Just decline gracefully.
There is no need for any kind of tit-for-tat behaviour. Your wedding was 7 years ago.
I think you could make it to the evening do if you wanted to - you could arrive half an hour later (tell her in advance), you could have everything laid out at home so you just go home, very quick shower, clothes on and set off for the venue.
But it's clear you don't want to go as you are making excuses. You say you don't hold a grudge but it sounds as if you still are otherwise you wouldn't be thinking about it so much and you'd just be talking about how the timing is inconvenient.

I feel sad that your husband is still thinking 'tit for tat' essentially 7 years later, and you're not too far removed from that feeling either.

You are close friends or you're not.
You want to go or you don't.
You can go or can't (worknight)

Just decide what you want to do in the here and now and do it: Do you want to celebrate with her or not?

It's not any deeper than that, at least it shouldn't be.

I don’t like evening dos and very rarely go to them
However if you want to go ,then go and forget all about what she did

Seven years ago? SEVEN? Honestly, the lives some people lead. I read stuff like this and I actually feel envious. This is the kind of thing people worry about. Jesus, I've definitely gone wrong somewhere.

@NewYearSameMeeee Question is do you want to go. ?

If not why ?

Calm down 😂😂😂

I agree. Do some people not get out much or get invited to many weddings?

Your wedding was 7 years ago. She’s invited you to the evening do. Seriously, she won’t care whether you come or not. She’ll have her family and friends around her. Why would she worry or care that an ex colleague was still in a huff over what is basically attendance at a disco? Go if you want and don’t if you don’t.

OK I stand corrected! I haven't met anyone who has done this in years, but if people are still doing in then fine!
But I can still understand why some pp's were confused by the phrase.

Just for the fact alone that it’s hugely inconvenient, and would mean rushing around getting ready for a few hours where you might not even see the bride and groom that much (my past experience of a shockingly bad evening do) would be enough for me to say no.

As far as her letting you down in the past, this would definitely make the decision so much easier.

The evening do isn't the reception. It's after the reception.

I get the confusion over whether it was the evening before, as one pp asked. We did a thing the night before our wedding for friends who had travelled a long way.

Sorry OP but I’m another who thinks that refusing an invitation on the basis of something that happened 7 years ago is just being petty All the more so as you are still friendly with your colleague and meet up occasionally
If you really don’t want to go just decline the invitation in the usual way when the proper invite comes.

I'm really worried about the comprehension skills of some of the posters on here!

Op means eve as in evening not day before

Honestly I wouldn't bother attending just an evening bit if I wasn't invited to the whole day. Everyone is pissed up after a long day and you've missed most of it and tbh I think it's weird and awkward, a few extra people walking in later on.

She may have felt the same. It's not like you needed to know for extra meal places so she hardly ruined your day by not coming or letting you know late.
If you don't want to go to hers then don't.
Mental that you didn't care about her enough to have her at the whole wedding but have been upset for 7 years that she didn't come and stand in your disco for a bit 😂

If you were genuinely not bearing a grudge then you wouldn’t be doing these mental gymnastics over an invitation. If you want to go then do, if you don’t then don’t, but either way you need to resolve your feelings about something that happened such a long time ago. She didn’t come to your wedding and told you ahead of time - you felt it was late in the day and her excuse was feeble, and apparently have never got over it. I find it a bit weird that you maintain a friendship with someone who has this big mark against their character from your point of view. Bit hypocritical? Also the evening do is just a couple of hours with music - it’s really not a big deal - I don’t understand anyone getting into a lather about it, it’s not like having to do table plans or anything. A boogie and some booze, that’s it.

If you decide not to go, politely decline now.

Simple really, if you want to go go, if you don't don't.
But don't not go just for some silly tit for tat nonsense

Don't worry, I did too!!

You aren't especially close, and don't want to go. So don't go.

But you'll need to accept that this is probably the end of the friendship if you don't.

Similar happened to me last year. I'd stayed friends with an old work colleague from over a decade ago. We'd met up occasionally, perhaps once or twice a year. Then covid hit, and I didn't see her.
Then last December she invited me to her 40th birthday party. In all honesty, I didn't really want to go. It was a night time drive - which I hate - and a good 40 minutes away, and I don't really like parties. Especially when I only know one or two people attending.

But I saw the invite for what it was, the deal breaker on the friendship. She threw me a ball, and it was in my court. So I went. Didn't really enjoy it, and left as soon as I politely could. But I went.

I've since seen her twice more, and have a lovely time on both occasions.

I'd guess she was hurt when she received an evening only invite to your wedding after listening to all the plans and cheering you on back in the day over drinks.

Fair enough that you get one back. Don't go if you don't want to - go if you do and want to help her celebrate. Don't childish about it though.

You don’t have to be petty about it.

If you don’t want to go, politely decline sooner rather than later.

Your DH sounds oddly resentful. Most men wouldn’t be concerned or even give it much thought.

Do you think it would be a hassle after work, or a hassle but you’d still like to go? Do you know other guests there if you did want to attend but your DH doesn’t?

Super petty
. really why are you still friends if you are thinking of playing games

If you are not keen then don't go.

Re your invite to her. It does sound like she was genuinely double booked and embarrassed to say so at the time.

RSVP can be a minefield to navigate. A relative asked for our RSVP to a wedding when we were on WhatsApp/txt at Christmas. They 'needed to know numbers'. The invite said RSVP by 16 Jan and the wedding isn't until spring. I felt that was ott.