Nieces hate me and say my behaviour was abusive.

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I looked after my nieces and nephews since the age of 16 to roughly 29 when I got married and moved away. I was student when the first 3 were born so throughout college and university whenever I had holidays or time off for studying my sisters would use me for free child care. After graduating I got a job in a school so this was really convenient for them as I was able to provide childcare for the holidays which allowed my siblings to have kids and still have a busy and demanding career. My mum encouraged me to help out and guilted me if I said I had plans she would make me feel so bad.

I have another sibling who is a couple of years older than me but she was never asked to provide childcare as they said she wasn’t maternal enough and not as responsible as I was. She would always prioritise parties and friends over taking care of the little ones.

Every child’s birthday and Christmas as a student I would buy them gifts because I wanted to and I loved them.

to put it briefly now all 6 of them are grown up and 2 of them hate me and have made up lies that I abused them! They are saying I would shout and scream at them. I probably did get stressed at times but I would never hurt them. The nephews are always defending me saying I was the best aunty ever and remember how much I used to buy them. I never said no to their never ending requests for toys.

I wish I could turn back time and not have taken care of them. I wish I had been like my other sister and put myself first. I missed out on so many parties and holidays because I chose to put my family first. I know it was my choice but I always felt guilted by everyone.

the nieces who accused me if screaming and shouting at them are so close to my other sister who never once looked after them or even knows when their birthday is!

even though my other nephews know the truth I feel they don’t want to cause drama so don’t say anything when the other 2 nieces start having arguments with me and telling me I’m disinvited from family stuff cos they hate me.

I am the scapegoat of the family. My family dynamics growing up were very dysfunctional.

I have kids of my own that no one really bothers with them. My kids don’t know who their cousins are. The nieces and nephews are all in their 20’s and teens now. My kids are primary school aged. I feel hurt and upset. It’s been going on for years now.

I do think this is possible yes. Save this memory for when needed.

You have my sympathy OP. I'm in a similar situation and have come to understand that attempting to explain my side of things doesn't do any good so I just have to distance myself and concentrate on my own family.

In my situation I looked after my nieces and nephews a lot (including lots of school holidays/weekends etc) as their home life was quite dysfunctional. I also helped their parents financially, usually when they had spent their money foolishly and realised they couldn't pay their bills. This was usually at the request of their parents who said they needed a break from parenting or to get them away when their parents were fighting a lot. When they were teens and could look after themselves more their parents weren't as keen to send them to me and they (understandably) wanted to be in their own home town to see friends etc so the visits became less frequent. I also had children of my own and less disposable income so wasn't able to constantly bail their parents out any more. Gradually the nieces and nephews started to realise that things at home were not right but (no doubt led by their parents) they came to the conclusion that it was all my fault. Everything had been fine when they were younger but I bribed them away from their parents with offers of holidays/trips out etc. So they missed out on sharing lovely times and adventures with their parents. Then when things did start to go wrong at home I selfishly refused to help them out. If I had been not had them over when they were younger and been more supportive when they were teens then they would have had a lovely time with their wonderful parents and everything would have been OK.

I can see that believing this is easier in many ways that accepting the truth but it does hurt. Especially as they are now older than I was when I was looking after them and being expected to support their parents but they are not willing to spend any time with me or my DC.

@catlesslady Wow, the ability to rewrite history to avoid facing reality is staggering isn't it! Their narrative doesn't even make sense logically. Who with young children would want to "lure" another child away and have the expense and responsibility for looking after them? Why do they expect that it was a right to have their family "helped out" by you giving their parents money and then blame you for not having any more left?

That's really horrible and so hurtful for you. I understand the drive to think about your parents in a good light, even if they don't actually deserve it but scapegoating a third party who has been nothing but kind and been considerably generous financially is nuts!!

I really hope you have had some support with processing this and you are surrounded by people who value you. 🥰

Yes it's possible they blanked things out and don't really remember or have even been told their memories were wrong and you did it. Its not unheard of for adults who have grown up in an abusive household to deny their parents ever abused them. My dad grew up in a family where both parents were abusive, he's the eldest but the others were old enough to remember the worst. They'd all angrily deny anything happened now as adults. It was all swept under the rug. I wouldn't bother talking to your sister, there's no way that will lead to anything good. I'd distance myself from theirs nieces and their mum and focus on your immediate family and those in your family of origin who actually care for and appreciate you like your nephews.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I can't tell you how many of my friends have had a really tough time looking after elderly parents, only to be constantly told how wonderful their sibling is - the one who has never raised a finger to help.

"Sorry you feel like that. I was thinking I'd be able to help out if you have kids in future, but obviously that can never happen now."
(Not that I think you should have to help out anyway.)

Go NC with them all. Only way with c*s like this. Sorry you’re having to go through this though. Don’t feel bitter as you’ve done nothing wrong.

Ghost them and forget them - why put yourself and your children th the firing line?

So they hate you, say "fine, OK with me."

Detach yourself from them. Make it clear there is no longer any assistance from you, and logically, not the remotest chance of being in your will.

This, contrasting with your continued pleasant relationship with your nephews will certainly give them cause to think.

You haven't mentioned this part of your nightmlare before. I think this might be at the centre of all the drama. Maybe your sister told them to blame you from an early age?

Are their parents aware of your elder sister's behaviour? Have your nieces ever mentioned it?

Can't you get your nephews together with your nice sister and discuss the way things were. If you explain that it's your kids suffering most from these drama queens' lies.

Tell them you won't waste your breath on the nieces or your Mother who seems to be the most guilty here. She sacrificed your childhood to please her sister. If she's not sticking up for you then she is a very odd kind of Mum.

@BeNavyCrab Thank you for your kind words. I suppose the point of my post was that perhaps OP's nieces are also re-writing history so that they don't have to face the reality that their own parents were not great. As in my case, perhaps they are looking for someone to aim their frustrations and anger at but can't give up on the narrative that their parents were wonderful so it must be Aunt that was/is the problem. It's horrible and does make you question yourself at times but my advice would be to give yourself permission to distance yourself from them without feeling guilty or feeling you need to explain yourself. Perhaps over time they might realise the mistake they have made but that is not your responsibility.

yeap. Scapegoat story.

You had to. You were the only one asked. You now pay for whatever they aren’t happy with.

Yes, it is passed to future generations so children of non scapegoat will treat you badly. Also, one of Your children may be treated the same than you.

Keep away. Keep away. Block block block.

OP I wouldn't invest too much of your time or effort in trying to justify yourself. If you've been cast as the scapegoat you can't reason your way out of that with these people.

Agree with PP, I wouldn't blame you for cutting them off for the sake of your own mental health.

You can quietly just ghost and go LC. Concentrate on your immediate family, nurture your DC. Don’t waste time or other resources on your sisters daughters in future, no good deed goes unpunished and all that.

You don’t have to announce that you’re going to NC, that will get the drama llamas in a flap.