Nieces hate me and say my behaviour was abusive.

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I looked after my nieces and nephews since the age of 16 to roughly 29 when I got married and moved away. I was student when the first 3 were born so throughout college and university whenever I had holidays or time off for studying my sisters would use me for free child care. After graduating I got a job in a school so this was really convenient for them as I was able to provide childcare for the holidays which allowed my siblings to have kids and still have a busy and demanding career. My mum encouraged me to help out and guilted me if I said I had plans she would make me feel so bad.

I have another sibling who is a couple of years older than me but she was never asked to provide childcare as they said she wasn’t maternal enough and not as responsible as I was. She would always prioritise parties and friends over taking care of the little ones.

Every child’s birthday and Christmas as a student I would buy them gifts because I wanted to and I loved them.

to put it briefly now all 6 of them are grown up and 2 of them hate me and have made up lies that I abused them! They are saying I would shout and scream at them. I probably did get stressed at times but I would never hurt them. The nephews are always defending me saying I was the best aunty ever and remember how much I used to buy them. I never said no to their never ending requests for toys.

I wish I could turn back time and not have taken care of them. I wish I had been like my other sister and put myself first. I missed out on so many parties and holidays because I chose to put my family first. I know it was my choice but I always felt guilted by everyone.

the nieces who accused me if screaming and shouting at them are so close to my other sister who never once looked after them or even knows when their birthday is!

even though my other nephews know the truth I feel they don’t want to cause drama so don’t say anything when the other 2 nieces start having arguments with me and telling me I’m disinvited from family stuff cos they hate me.

I am the scapegoat of the family. My family dynamics growing up were very dysfunctional.

I have kids of my own that no one really bothers with them. My kids don’t know who their cousins are. The nieces and nephews are all in their 20’s and teens now. My kids are primary school aged. I feel hurt and upset. It’s been going on for years now.

The abusers here are your so called family, OP. Not You..

Putting all of that onto a 16 year old ? Bloody awful

I would be putting all of them, including your Mother, right and I would state it loudly to them too
They took the utter piss.

I wish I could turn back time and not have taken care of them. I wish I had been like my other sister and put myself first. I missed out on so many parties and holidays because I chose to put my family first. I know it was my choice but I always felt guilted by everyone.

Tell them THIS OP
You basically missed out on Life ..

As do I with many thing OP

Never too late though ;)

You know the truth and it is very unfair you are now the scapegoat. I don’t usually recommend therapy, but it might be helpful to talk to someone like a therapist about these issues. You sound like you did a great job at a very young age, don’t beat yourself up about the past. I wish you well for the future and your own little family.

God help you.
What an utterly toxic family you have.
Used and abused.
You poor woman.

Mind yourself and stay the hell away from them.
Keep your children away from the lot of them.
They are no loss to you.

I have a slightly similar story to yours; I was born into a blended family with half sisters who were already teenagers. They found my existence to be an inconvenience when they were young, but didn’t mind me so much if their collective 11 children ever needed looking after.

I used to live with one of them as a teenager myself, and she once dragged me out of bed in the middle of the night as she had to go and collect her drunk husband (so needed someone to keep an eye on the kids) - I was 13/14 at the time.

Growing up, I loved them so much, but had to pull away, as it soon became clear that none of them had any real interest in me or my children (one of my sisters even deliberately skipped my wedding). Like you, I am also the family scapegoat, and this behaviour comes right down from the top - my mother.

It’s really tough, but sometimes you have to draw a line under these things, and focus on the people who love and want you to be there. In my case, I had to go no contact for the sake of my own mental health.

Gosh I am sorry this happened to you. Well done on being able to recognise it and step away.

Your neices and nephews may also angry at their parents for not being around as much as they would like and leaving them with someone who didn’t want to be looking after them and are directing that anger at you rather than the parents.
It seems that the nephews are supportive of their Aunt and how she stepped up to the plate when their parents wanted to dump them off for free.
The anger of the nieces should be directed towards their parents who were the ones who were abusive and their grandparents who encouraged it, blackmailing the OP to take them on.
Anyone who says they have never raised their voice towards children in their care is probably either wearing rose-tinted glasses or simply lying.

Suggest a read of some of links from the ‘stately homes’ / dysfunctional families threads in the relationships section.

Your nieces remember you screaming and shouting at them.

Your nephews remember you buying them what they wanted.

It's possible you did both.

I'm sure you weren't abusive, but you were probably fed up and resentful some of the time you were doing childcare, understandably, and also frustrated sometimes, because young children can be very frustrating and make their carers want to shout at them.

And that would have been no fun for your nieces and nephews. Also their parents who were so insensitive to your own needs and wishes, would very likely have been equally insensitive to their children's. Try not to blame your nieces for being off with you now. Their real gripe is most likely with their parents and there's no point in arguing your case with them at this young age; they won't understand. And don't blame your nephews for staying out of this argument. They remember you fondly and are moving on to live their lives, which is a great outcome.

Guilt can be a strange thing. People often don't like to acknowledge a debt. You sisters took advantage of you. They owe you. Yet may not want to. It may well be that they were highlighting your defects to their children. They certainly don't seem to be defending you now. If you were so awful why would they have continued to leave their children with you. Two of the girls have bought into this. Perhaps they wanted their mum to be doing what you did and are both pleasing their mum and letting go of their anger by criticising you.

Remind them of how young you yourself were and that you did your best and more. But otherwise let go, and give them the distance to work things out for themselves.

Sounds like the sisters have deeper issues. It’s not you, it’s them. Just stay out of their way. You should really grab your life by the hands now you’ve realised how much you’ve been used. Be about yourself and your children.

I agree with other posters on here who have pointed out that your sister is behind these ill feelings. They haven't come from nowhere. Your sister will have started this narrative of painting you as the villain, and your nieces in their eagerness to appease mum's ire, have followed suit. This has dysfunctional, toxic family written all over it and as the scapegoat, you are entirely to blame for the family's problems. The only thing you can do OP, is remove yourself. Unfortunately it will never change and no matter how unfair it is, they will never see the light and ' come round'. You did a remarkable thing at such a young age and deserve to be surrounded by people who acknowledge and support you - not this rotten bunch. Focus on your own family.

OP, I was in a similar situation. My siblings were quite a bit younger than me and I was expected to look after them full time during the holidays from about 15 until I left home at 18. There were times when I was horrible - I was a child myself, we were all living in an abusive environment, and not equipped to look after young children for extended periods of time. I apologised to my sibling, because I am sorry, but I also recognise that I was put in a situation I should never have been put in. (I am NC with my parents and the youngest sibling has sided with them, so I haven't had the chance to have that conversation).

You can be sure that if your nieces have their own kids in a few years time, suddenly the abuse will be forgotten and they'll be desperate to palm them off on you. I would refuse if I were you after their accusations

What a shame that they didn't tell someone so that you no longer looked after them.

I wouldn't bring up the slapping etc with your sister eyes likely to deny it and twist it. I would directly tell your nieces that you used to calm their mother when she slapped them and locked them in the toilets and you would release them.

From what you have said it's two nieces who are saying you were abusive. The third niece and the three nephews are not.

I would distance myself from the two nieces but stay in reasonable contact with the others.

So if you send card for birthdays etc. continue with the other 4, but not these two.

You should write down on paper that

• you were guilt-tripped by other family members into looking after your nephews and nieces at a very young age, so if you got it wrong from time to time it's hardly your fault.

• you lost out on a lot of your young adult life and this has never been acknowledged by anyone in the family

• your nephews and one niece have a very different recollection of being looked after by you.

• the other two nieces seem to have conveniently forgotten it was you who comforted them after being locked in the loo etc.

Get it all down and re-read it so you are familiar with the narrative and you don't get emotional if you have the opportunity to say it out loud to your family.

Do u think my nieces could be remembering this and saying it was me rather than their own mum as it’s easier?

Yes, this is possible. This confusion's happened in our family.

I’m so sorry. This must be so so painful.
You did your best and you know that.
If you can get some counselling. There’s a lot of grief and sadness to process.

But most importantly- focus on your children now. Don’t let your sadness stop you from being present for them.
Try to be in the moment and enjoy your dear children

💯 this

i think it’s very common to be at the end of your tether and shout at young children who are misbehaving.
The OP was expected to do far too much and did her best .

This is awful. I guess Noone who chooses to look after kids (including their parents) gets a guarantee those kids will like them in adulthood but of course it hurts if they don't. I wonder what's going on here, perhaps your nieces are angry at parents being away and dumping those bad feelings on you?
It's awful and unfair your sisters in good careers didn't compensate you for so much free childcare and that your mother emotionally blackmailed you into doing it. I don't know anyone else that would expect this from an auntie - an afternoon out for a treat in the school holidays or occasional babysitting would be more than enough and a present would be bought as a thank you in my social circles!!
I would get counselling to try and process your grief at missing out on all that fun in your youth and to accept the current situation.

Ps I don't see any of those Nieces in their 20s offering to look after your kids