Nieces hate me and say my behaviour was abusive.

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I looked after my nieces and nephews since the age of 16 to roughly 29 when I got married and moved away. I was student when the first 3 were born so throughout college and university whenever I had holidays or time off for studying my sisters would use me for free child care. After graduating I got a job in a school so this was really convenient for them as I was able to provide childcare for the holidays which allowed my siblings to have kids and still have a busy and demanding career. My mum encouraged me to help out and guilted me if I said I had plans she would make me feel so bad.

I have another sibling who is a couple of years older than me but she was never asked to provide childcare as they said she wasn’t maternal enough and not as responsible as I was. She would always prioritise parties and friends over taking care of the little ones.

Every child’s birthday and Christmas as a student I would buy them gifts because I wanted to and I loved them.

to put it briefly now all 6 of them are grown up and 2 of them hate me and have made up lies that I abused them! They are saying I would shout and scream at them. I probably did get stressed at times but I would never hurt them. The nephews are always defending me saying I was the best aunty ever and remember how much I used to buy them. I never said no to their never ending requests for toys.

I wish I could turn back time and not have taken care of them. I wish I had been like my other sister and put myself first. I missed out on so many parties and holidays because I chose to put my family first. I know it was my choice but I always felt guilted by everyone.

the nieces who accused me if screaming and shouting at them are so close to my other sister who never once looked after them or even knows when their birthday is!

even though my other nephews know the truth I feel they don’t want to cause drama so don’t say anything when the other 2 nieces start having arguments with me and telling me I’m disinvited from family stuff cos they hate me.

I am the scapegoat of the family. My family dynamics growing up were very dysfunctional.

I have kids of my own that no one really bothers with them. My kids don’t know who their cousins are. The nieces and nephews are all in their 20’s and teens now. My kids are primary school aged. I feel hurt and upset. It’s been going on for years now.

Personally I wouldn't write a letter. I would just accept what's happened and distance myself. No pleading or begging or talking is going to change their mind . The OP is the family scapegoat and that label is going to be hard to shake off . The OP should take a leaf out of the nephews book and refuse to engage with the drama. Yes I think that one of her sisters is at the bottom of this trying to smear the OP because of the guilt she feels .

Maybe because they are tangible markers she can point to?

Op was used and given way too much responsibility and is now the convenient scapegoat.

Step away and stay away

I wouldnt undermine the memories and experiences that the neices have.

The screaming and shouting has obviously stuck with them more than the material things you got for them. It's wrong to deny that just because your nephews feel differently.

Your nieces are not wrong to feel how they do.

You shouldnt have had the parenting role forced on you. You were obviously not ready for it so yes it seems like you have made mistakes along the way and those are the bits that have stuck with the nieces.

Some parents do this too. They shout and scream then buy material things oblivious to the trauma and damage the shouting and screaming has caused. The children were never to blame.

Explain and apologise to them if they allow (and if you can genuinely try to understand where they are coming from ).

The fact that the other niece says they’ll look silly, means that everyone knows the score, and it’s only the two nieces that have an axe to grind.

Remind them that you stepped up when no one else did, that you sacrificed parties etc and if you made mistakes then you are sorry, but you did your best when you were much younger than they were. Also say that your memories are different, so you’ll have to agree to disagree over what happened, that you remember being kind to them when they were locked in the toilet etc.

Then concentrate on the nice members of the family, and ignore the nieces and their mothers who don’t actually sound that nice themselves.

I could be way off with this thought, but are you of Asian heritage? Not that it excuses any of your family’s awful behaviour.

The best thing to do is simply distance yourself from the whole lot of them.

You should never have been used for free childcare for 6 children at such a young age. If you couldn’t always handle it - I think that’s par for the course.

Keep in touch with the nephews and niece who are supportive and just ignore everyone else.

You have your own family now. Focus on them and the future.

Shouting happens when you're with young kids and it sounds like you had a lot of kids to deal with at any one time. Don't beat yourself up about it. Stick with the nice members of the family and leave the others to themselves. And, as others have said, don't get guilt tripped into elder care. It's your sisters' time to step up now. Leave it them and you concentrate on your own young family.

@iCantStopppEatinggg I think it depends on whether you want to fix the situation or not?
IF you don’t - then concentrate on your family as many have said and go LC.
IF you do want to resolve because you’re sad and you’re feeling bad about it - then you will need an honest discussion. This will involve you properly “listening” and hearing what they have to say rather than your memory of events. You may well have been annoyed at your situation when you were a teen and shouting and taking it out on them because you were short of patience. You may not have realised the impact on them even if you didn’t mean it to stick with them.
Maybe if you can afford it - some kind of family therapist or someone to guide the discussions would be helpful. The key thing in these types of discussions is to properly listen, understand this how they really feel and let them explain. Even if you feel it’s unfair, and then apologise without saying I’m sorry BUT.
There may be an opportunity at some point to explain your point of view but not initially.
They may not accept your apology - it may take a while. but it would be a good first step.
BUT - if you don’t want to do this and feel it’s completely unjustified then definitely concentrate on what you can affect - your life, your kids and go LC x

This is really good advice. Try not to worry about your kids and them not being bothered with. I know from experience that they'll try to scapegoat your children too, because they see them as extensions of and occupying the same role as you. It's better that they're ignored.

The injustice of your story is a terrible thing to contend with.
I think you should start to tackle this by writing it all down OP, as you have here.
See if that helps.

Separate it out.
Firstly about the abuse at the hands of your sibling who battered you and made you lie about your injuries. And any other abuse.
Then your actual babysitting memories, keeping it as factual as possible. How often, what you were required to do, how you coped practically.
Then what you thought about it at the time as a young teen being used and guilt tripped. Your feelings for yourself, the children in your care and for those who made you do it.
Then what you think about it now, what you missed out on and how that has shaped your life, all with the benefit of hindsight and with being a mum. What it cost you emotionally, socially and financially.
And finally, write about the current injustices from your nieces, the untruths/false memories, how that upsets you and how you would like to challenge them. Acknowledge how they could possibly have misconstrued some memories. Write about what you would like to say to them to put them straight. And what you would like to say to your mum and siblings for their deplorable behaviour.

Keep it all in a journal for yourself and add to it as thoughts and feelings crop up. Each time you finish writing something, close the journal with purpose, and with firm intent to leave the memories there and get on with your family life.

In the meantime, distance yourself as much as possible from those who are falsely blaming you. And those who knowingly or conveniently keep the truth a secret. Don’t be in their company if it’s too difficult . Focus on your own family.

One day, when you are feeling ready, you may feel the time is right to correct their false memories and misconceptions about their childhood and to confront your mum and siblings for allowing your nieces to openly blame you and spread hate about you.

Yes. This leapt out at me from the op They are saying I would shout and scream at them. I probably did get stressed at times but I would never hurt them.

People don’t have to be physically hurt to suffer abuse, and buying things does not make shouting and screaming okay. They obviously feel the behaviour they suffered has scarred them in some way and you are dismissing their feelings. No you shouldn’t have been put in the situation of caring for young children, but that doesn’t mean that what they say they experienced isn’t valid.

It does sound like their mum was abusive and this does mean they are damaged and means you're less likely to be able to resolve this with a simple conversation. There is probably something more complex going on (eg they are trying to win their mums approval by copying her scapegoating of you).

So I'm not sure that there is much you can do to solve this, given the wider family dynamics at play. The only way I'd take action is if you still work with children and if someone heard the allegations they could interfere with your job. Then I'd get a written statement from the nephews that they think their sisters are lying

It sounds like you were yourself abused if you were attacked by your sister and manipulated into providing free childcare for years and years. I'd be questioning why you want to maintain contact with a family who are generally so horrible to you. Have you had any counselling or therapy about all this? I think it would help you come to terms with this

I would focus on those people who are nice to you and not bother with these two nieces. Keep your dignity, I wouldn’t get into a confrontation with them, I’d just move on and build positive relationships with those who appreciate you.

You were used by your family. It was a lot to ask of you.

From one family scapegoat to another, I'm still battling with what to do, like you. The only way really though is to remove yourself from the situation, it doesn't get better with you still in it if that makes sense. Find your way without them they sound awful.
Sounds like you weren't the abusive one anyway to me.

This all sounds so unfair

I do wonder though - just playing devil's advocate here! - if you favoured the boys, as perhaps they were easier?
Regardless, your family shouldn't have put you in this position.

Those condemning the OP for possibly shouting at the nieces/nephews, there are plenty of children out there who will push things as far as they can simply to get just that reaction - usually because they feel unloved or ignored by those closest to them like parents. They may well have learned that this is the only way to get "seen" by certain people.

Now put yourself in the shoes of a 16 year old trying to deal with that. We can assume that if the girls were doing something like scribbling on walls and ignoring any requests to stop, it's the OP who would have been blamed for not stopping them. Tell me how you would deal with that, as a somewhat oppressed and abused child yourself?

You can’t change the past but you can control how you react now.

Block and delete your nieces. Don’t let them anywhere your children.

Why shouldn’t she? Please remember that her own kids are not receiving presents from these people.

Do you think it was her job to give presents?

Agree with this and similar comments.

It's a difficult OP, been there in a different situation but know what you mean.
One of my dd's claimed I was the worst parent ever and she hated me, I was banned from her wedding and we have not had any contact for about 6 years now. She hasn't spoken to any of her siblings for the same time either as she hated them too god knows why.. Dad was the only very small point of contact until she married 5 1/2years ago, she made it clear me and sibs weren't to go but would dad give her away? He said no as she has behaved so badly to everyone, verbally abusive, claiming all sorts of made up shit that couldn't have happened, times and dates. She really believed the stuff that was coming out of her mouth, and encouraged by the then boyfriend, now dh.
It was incredibly sad at the time because we were and still are a close family, the youngest didn't leave home until they were 21. If family life was that awful why did she stay until she was 26? She met this person and had a personality transplant. Didn't know her anymore, dh and sibs couldn't understand it either.
Have moved on from it and now she is never mentioned by any of us.

You can’t win. Block them and don’t engage. They will argue black is white just so you can be the scapegoat. The fact that they parentified you for their kids is abuse of you, then the sister is getting the nieces to say this to punish you. Disgusting people block them.