I don’t know what more I can do

[PinkUser]

I’m not too sure what I’m hoping to gain from posting anything here, I think I’d just like some perspective that I’m not going insane.

My partner and I have been together 4.5 years. We have a 3 year old and I am 4.5 months pregnant with our second.

I work part time, 2.5 days (having given up a very well paid full time role to have our child). I look after our child 1 day a week one of of my 2 weekdays off, and the other day she is at nursery and the day is dedicated to housework / chores / “working for the family”.

I am responsible for all the housework in the house, laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, making beds, organising bills, and do the vast majority of the care for our child. I do bedtimes every evening, only I take her to and pick her up from childcare. I take her to her classes on the weekend. I make and clean up all her meals. (Please don’t mistake that as me doing that begrudgingly. I adore her - just for an idea of how domestic things are split.)

2/3 of my wage are for nursery fees and our family car, house insurance and minor bills which totals around £1200. The remainder is for my personal bills (phone etc). Our mortgage, utility bills, council tax, food shopping and holidays and paid for by my partner. He owns his own business and earns around 6 times my income.

Our Relationship is generally great, but occasionally come these outbursts which feel like a complete character assassination. I am called insults, lazy, sworn at, and a liar for lying about the amount of jobs / chores I am completing on my day of work for the family.

He doesn’t sleep in the same bed as me anymore, and has recently made comments (when going through my first trimester - rough!) that I’ve let myself go and I need to make more of an effort with myself.

i dedicate every hour of my Friday to cleaning our sizeable home, car, and doing all the invisible workload.

This evening before bed he asked what I’d done all day. He said I was a liar and nothing had been done, that I was watching tv or sleeping (I wish!).

In reality I’d take some bits over to a poorly relative on my way home from the nursery drop. Cleaned out our car and cleaned all apholstery. Cleaned the house and bathrooms. Hoovers the stairs, cleaned the windows, 2 laundry loads. All bedrooms and done a food shop, between the hours of 9:30-3:30.

picked our child up and of course played and made her dinner. He arrived home maybe 2 hours later to a home cooked meal.

i can provide timestamps and pictures of things I’d done but he’s says he’s not interested, that I’m lazy and I’m a liar.

Am I deluded? Am I lazy? I feel like I’m starting to go crazy and that I need to document my day as proof to him. I have never ever given him a reason not to trust me and I don’t understand any of this.

please help me

Because she loves him
Because she didn't realise he was abusive
Because he's the father to their first child
Because she wanted another child

Whatever the reason, posts like this are so very unhelpful when a woman is asking for help and has now got to get her head around the fact that her partner, the man she thought she would be with for the rest of her life, is actually an abusive piece of shit.

Think before you post.

I think you kind of are in an abusive relationship. He is not being reasonable, let alone great.

I’ll just never understand it I guess.

There is one more thing you can do. LTB.

Please reconsider your options OP. Without judgement of any kind ( many of us have been where you are) I would say that your partner is controlling and abusive. Sadly these things only get worse and never better.
You are worth more , as are your children ❤️

Years ago I posted a very similar sort of thread, although I had two young children by that point. I was totally shocked when the advice was that it was an abusive relationship. My ex husband could be absolutely wonderful much of the time. He was kind, caring, supportive... to other people. He did voluntary work, pillar of the community type of person. Everyone I knew thought I was so lucky. We had a nice house and I only had to work part time. So the abuse was very confusing. He kept telling me I was mentally unwell and lying about things. It was confusing and very much gaslighting.

It wasn't until I saw the cycle of abuse that I understood. When I finally went to womens aid it was very hard to discuss things. I still found myself excusing his behaviour. It took a long time to get out of that mindset and work through things.

But I did end things and my life is hugely better.

What I would say though is that what happens with your children won't necessarily be what you expect. My ex had barely had any time with our children as I did everything. Our of principle when we split he fought for 50:50 (although he got a bit less). Abuse was ignored by family court despite lots of evidence. I've had years in and out of court, both children suffering with anxiety due to ongoing emotional abuse. Ongoing post seperation abuse via the children. Barely pays CMS due to all the loopholes he's researched. Other abusive dads go the opposite way and refuse all contact.

It was absolutely worth ending the relationship and I'm glad I did. But I wish someone had been honest about how little family court care about abuse.

It's good that you don't understand it because it means you've never been in that situation ❤️

An abusive relationship is complex and multifaceted making it difficult for an outsider to comprehend. There are many books and websites out there that you can learn from. Some of them already posted on this thread.

Gonna get flamed here- I want to say I’m not condoning his behaviour, the way he treats you is appalling and there are no excuses for that. I do think to a degree when someone is out the house all the time and it always looks clean and tidy they don’t realise/ see how much work it takes to keep it like that, how quickly it does get dusty and dirty and how long the cleaning actually takes. My dh would never have spoken to me like that but it was only when I spent 7 weeks in hospital he realised a quick one hour dust a week didn’t really do much and the sheer level of work in all the laundry etc. he doesn’t realise that to keep a level of home you do that is a solid days graft- but the way he’s treated you is awful. Maybe do watch tv next Friday. Show him what the house looks like if you do that

Why on earth would you post this? It’s clear the OP is trapped in an abusive relationship and needs support not judgement. If you can’t understand how people end up in these situations just keep your thoughts to yourself and don’t post. OP has spent years tying herself in knots trying to justify her actions to this man, and now you come along and ask her to justify her actions to you. If you don’t understand it and you want to then maybe go and do some reading around the subject by yourself. A thread where a domestic abuse victim is asking for help is not the place to try to satisfy your own curiosity. You don’t have to offer support if you don’t want to, but for goodness sake don’t give censure instead. Just don’t post.

Our Relationship is generally great,
No, it's not. It really really isn't.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

@sky1267
I managed to clear the quote and now can’t redo it

I agree with you.

Don't worry, I presume it was for Sky. If so, I agree with you. In any case, no point in having an inquest about it, what's done is done and what matters is how the op moves forward.

For Sky: You meant no harm, we all wonder that about many posts on here but hindsight is all very well, we have to deal with the here and now.

Which part of the relationship is great?

This man is a horrible bully, a Predator he's laying into you while you're pregnant with his child.
I think I would be inclined to placate him for now (so that he doesn't cause too much of a problem for you- what I mean is if he gets wind that you are planning to get rid he will ramp up his control) but in the background make a solid plan.
If it turns out you have to get rid of him you need to make sure that you can protect yourself and your children from him, so you need to get everything sewn up and ready to go if necessary.

Erm why did you have another kid with him exactly?? You know this is going to get ten times worse……..if the new baby is going to be bottle fed then pack up and leave him with both of them for a week……..tell him what you expect done while you’re away, see how easy he finds it……..I guarantee the house will be an absolute shithole when you come back…….

Did he want both of the children?

He's abusive. Leave him. Even though it seems daunting.

Sorry to say I can’t see things working out if he is calling you a liar like that. You could have had a team of cleaners for the house and professional valet. He would still have found an issue with an attitude like that.

If it isn’t going put you at risk I would do nothing on next chores day. He’ll pick up that nothing done. You can say you think I did nothing last week. Thought I would do what you thought I did last week today. He can’t have it both ways.

Really, you recommend leaving this horrible abusive man to look after two tiny children for a week? And one of them a very new baby.

Oh get a grip, you’re painting him out to be a monster……….pretty sure the lady wouldn’t have kids with him if that were the case……….a lot of men are like this and completely old fashioned and expect if they are the breadwinner for the woman to take care of home and the kids, it’s hardly a new thing………he just needs showing that it isn’t as easy as he believes it to be……….

I am sorry OP I agree with the others that you are in an abusive relationship .

The fact that you are not married to him , leaves you in a financially vulnerable position , especially with a young child and another on the way .

It is good that you are on the title and mortgage to the property so you do have rights there .

He is treating you as an employee and honestly as an employee you would have greater protection in some ways.

By working part - time and working a day in the house , you are paying less into your pension . I assume your partner isn't contributing to this for you . You will not have any rights to any share in his pension or any other non joint assets should you split up .

He is able to work full time and have a family because you are enabling him to do so by doing all the at home childcare and house admin .

Any reasonable partner would want to take a share in the childcare : other chores when they aren't at work . But here you are the only one that is shouldering that burden . I am sure also when your child is ill it is you that takes the time off too.

Put basically he has you as a very poorly paid - nanny / housekeeper and PA .

He is also being emotionally abusive towards you and do you want your daughter and next child to grow up thinking this is a great way for a man to treat a woman .

My advice to you would be to think of your exit plan asap . Try and get back to the lucrative full time career you used to have .

Look after yourself and take care of yourself.

Most men, however ‘old fashioned’ do NOT resort to abusing their wives.

We accept the love we think we deserve. And in your case your childhood has unfortunately conditioned you to think and believe that you don’t deserve much.

Please consider getting some therapy to work on your self worth and also process your abusive childhood. And definitely think about leaving your partner. He is abusive and devalues and degrades you on purpose. This is not love. And it’s nothing your child should grow up with. You need to break the cycle for yourself and your child.

good luck!

Fucking hell.