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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t know what more I can do

177 replies

PinkUser · 25/01/2025 00:14

I’m not too sure what I’m hoping to gain from posting anything here, I think I’d just like some perspective that I’m not going insane.

My partner and I have been together 4.5 years. We have a 3 year old and I am 4.5 months pregnant with our second.

I work part time, 2.5 days (having given up a very well paid full time role to have our child). I look after our child 1 day a week one of of my 2 weekdays off, and the other day she is at nursery and the day is dedicated to housework / chores / “working for the family”.

I am responsible for all the housework in the house, laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, making beds, organising bills, and do the vast majority of the care for our child. I do bedtimes every evening, only I take her to and pick her up from childcare. I take her to her classes on the weekend. I make and clean up all her meals. (Please don’t mistake that as me doing that begrudgingly. I adore her - just for an idea of how domestic things are split.)

2/3 of my wage are for nursery fees and our family car, house insurance and minor bills which totals around £1200. The remainder is for my personal bills (phone etc). Our mortgage, utility bills, council tax, food shopping and holidays and paid for by my partner. He owns his own business and earns around 6 times my income.

Our Relationship is generally great, but occasionally come these outbursts which feel like a complete character assassination. I am called insults, lazy, sworn at, and a liar for lying about the amount of jobs / chores I am completing on my day of work for the family.

He doesn’t sleep in the same bed as me anymore, and has recently made comments (when going through my first trimester - rough!) that I’ve let myself go and I need to make more of an effort with myself.

i dedicate every hour of my Friday to cleaning our sizeable home, car, and doing all the invisible workload.

This evening before bed he asked what I’d done all day. He said I was a liar and nothing had been done, that I was watching tv or sleeping (I wish!).

In reality I’d take some bits over to a poorly relative on my way home from the nursery drop. Cleaned out our car and cleaned all apholstery. Cleaned the house and bathrooms. Hoovers the stairs, cleaned the windows, 2 laundry loads. All bedrooms and done a food shop, between the hours of 9:30-3:30.

picked our child up and of course played and made her dinner. He arrived home maybe 2 hours later to a home cooked meal.

i can provide timestamps and pictures of things I’d done but he’s says he’s not interested, that I’m lazy and I’m a liar.

Am I deluded? Am I lazy? I feel like I’m starting to go crazy and that I need to document my day as proof to him. I have never ever given him a reason not to trust me and I don’t understand any of this.

please help me

OP posts:
Amba1998 · 25/01/2025 07:36

You are taking time stamped photos of what you’ve done because you are being abused and you are scared. This is not ok

rubiconartist · 25/01/2025 07:37

Can I remind people that this woman has come here for support. I know it can be 'robust' here at times which isn't always a bad thing but please be gentle.

I know the argument about using tough love but right now her whole world as she knows it is shifting. Many many woman don't know they're being abused and it's very easy for us to ridicule the idea that they see a happy relationship with some niggles but we're not in it.

We don't have their relationship, we don't have their history and patterns and we haven't experienced the adverse life experiences they may have.

Going from 'am I doing enough in the home' to 'you must leave him' is huuuuge so please be think about how you are putting things and don't be another person bullying the OP.

Let's be supportive and empowering.

doyouknowthemuffinman42 · 25/01/2025 07:37

PinkUser · 25/01/2025 00:14

I’m not too sure what I’m hoping to gain from posting anything here, I think I’d just like some perspective that I’m not going insane.

My partner and I have been together 4.5 years. We have a 3 year old and I am 4.5 months pregnant with our second.

I work part time, 2.5 days (having given up a very well paid full time role to have our child). I look after our child 1 day a week one of of my 2 weekdays off, and the other day she is at nursery and the day is dedicated to housework / chores / “working for the family”.

I am responsible for all the housework in the house, laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, making beds, organising bills, and do the vast majority of the care for our child. I do bedtimes every evening, only I take her to and pick her up from childcare. I take her to her classes on the weekend. I make and clean up all her meals. (Please don’t mistake that as me doing that begrudgingly. I adore her - just for an idea of how domestic things are split.)

2/3 of my wage are for nursery fees and our family car, house insurance and minor bills which totals around £1200. The remainder is for my personal bills (phone etc). Our mortgage, utility bills, council tax, food shopping and holidays and paid for by my partner. He owns his own business and earns around 6 times my income.

Our Relationship is generally great, but occasionally come these outbursts which feel like a complete character assassination. I am called insults, lazy, sworn at, and a liar for lying about the amount of jobs / chores I am completing on my day of work for the family.

He doesn’t sleep in the same bed as me anymore, and has recently made comments (when going through my first trimester - rough!) that I’ve let myself go and I need to make more of an effort with myself.

i dedicate every hour of my Friday to cleaning our sizeable home, car, and doing all the invisible workload.

This evening before bed he asked what I’d done all day. He said I was a liar and nothing had been done, that I was watching tv or sleeping (I wish!).

In reality I’d take some bits over to a poorly relative on my way home from the nursery drop. Cleaned out our car and cleaned all apholstery. Cleaned the house and bathrooms. Hoovers the stairs, cleaned the windows, 2 laundry loads. All bedrooms and done a food shop, between the hours of 9:30-3:30.

picked our child up and of course played and made her dinner. He arrived home maybe 2 hours later to a home cooked meal.

i can provide timestamps and pictures of things I’d done but he’s says he’s not interested, that I’m lazy and I’m a liar.

Am I deluded? Am I lazy? I feel like I’m starting to go crazy and that I need to document my day as proof to him. I have never ever given him a reason not to trust me and I don’t understand any of this.

please help me

You're in a abusive relationship

I was In something similar and unmarried

I left with dc. Never again will I have a relationship with a man who doesn't marry me

You're a slave. I would leave

LaurieFairyCake · 25/01/2025 07:37

Very simply, you sound like a lovely person who has done way too much for your family Flowers

Please leave, someone as lovely as you deserves so much more

Bepanthensavedmybumbum · 25/01/2025 07:38

@doyouknowthemuffinman42 we've all read the OP no need to quote it! Imagine if everyone did it, the thread would be obsolete.

doyouknowthemuffinman42 · 25/01/2025 07:40

Bepanthensavedmybumbum · 25/01/2025 07:38

@doyouknowthemuffinman42 we've all read the OP no need to quote it! Imagine if everyone did it, the thread would be obsolete.

Edited

👍🏽

Twiglets1 · 25/01/2025 07:43

Wow, he is treating you so horribly!

I wouldn’t want to stay with someone who spoke to me like that. I hope it’s a recent thing as otherwise hard to understand why you would want another baby with him.

Despite the pregnancy, I would be making secret plans to leave him when the time is best for me & the children. He talks to you with an utter lack of respect which reflects awfully on him, not you. He’s an unkind person.

Bepanthensavedmybumbum · 25/01/2025 07:52

@doyouknowthemuffinman42 you don’t need to quote everyone just put in an @ and start typing their username and you can reply to them without quoting something that is literally just above their post. You are making threads unbearable to read.

2025NewUserName · 25/01/2025 08:00

If he was just clueless, I'd suggest just walking away for one weekend and leaving him to it, see how much better he does with the house and child etc.

BUT it's very clear he's not just clueless and is actively abusing you to keep you as his ever-grateful subordinate working harder and harder to prove yourself while your self esteem erodes. You need to divorce him, there's no way out of this. Imagine your kids growing up picking up that their mum is lazy and useless while you pedal harder and harder to maintain perfection. Leave before you lose all perspective entirely.

Spondoolie · 25/01/2025 08:01

You have described the dynamic of my marriage (18year). But, it didn’t stop once the children grew up. Not at all. In fact, I built a very successful £m+ business, and still I was accused of ‘doing nothing all day’. And of course, I still did all the house/children/pets/bills. It doesn’t change it gets worse. I am so glad I left. I only wish I had done it sooner.

Gogogo12345 · 25/01/2025 08:01

Yalta · 25/01/2025 01:39

What exactly does he do

Whst does he bring to the table that you wouldn’t get if you split up

He would either have to pay CM and 50% of nursery fees or have dc on a 50/50 basis

You are already doing the rest

Oh wouldn't that be nice. Child maintenance AND half of nursery fees? Or have the kids 50/50

In which fairyland is this as it's certainly not real life?. He is unlikely to do either of those. In reality it could be a case of the CMS chasing him and him hiding money to avoid paying and not seeing the kids at all

RosesAndHellebores · 25/01/2025 08:04

@PinkUser a slightly different slant because I was always solely responsible for everything you do and my dh was/is a very high earner (DC grown now and I have worked f/t for 22 years). As long as both parties end up with equal leisure time I think such a split can be fine.

However, DH was always grateful for everything I did, always kind, albeit pernickety, and because he did nothing in the house and was clear from the very beginning that he wasn't doing housework/cooking/shopping, was perfectly happy for me to have a cleaner and when I was a SAHM and I suggested not having a cleaner, said it was a bad idea.

As for the car, I thought the deal was to keep the inside tidy and let them be dirty or take them to a car cleaning service. It's about £40.

He's a horror and he won't change. I rarely say it, but I think you will be better off as a single parent and so will your children. Don't let them witness the abuse you did and grow up thinking it's normal.

RoseMarigoldViolet · 25/01/2025 08:05

I read your post and felt really sad for you. It must be hard for you to live like this. You have said that your relationship is generally great but it doesn’t sound great from what you have written. What is great? I can imagine that his criticism and undermining of you must overshadow other times which might feel more lighthearted?
🌼🌼🌼

Calmhappyandhealthy · 25/01/2025 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

rubiconartist · 25/01/2025 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wow! Do you think this post is ok?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 25/01/2025 08:11

PinkUser · 25/01/2025 01:19

Absolutely. I can certainly recognise that a friendship and romantic relationship are different dynamics. But while you’ve been able to identify that those friends would make dreadful partners, that wasn’t my experience. I truly believed we would be perfect for each other - which very much hurts to say this evening.

thanks for taking the time to post :)

Show quote history

It’s not just that you’ve missed the signs OP. Some men are truly great at masking their true selves until they get their partner pregnant/locked in. Then the real monster comes out. It’s a sad truth.

ChiliFiend · 25/01/2025 08:14

The question isn't "what more can I do" - you need to leave this man. This is not a normal, loving relationship.

Phineyj · 25/01/2025 08:18

Dear me, would you carry on being a paid housekeeper and nanny to someone this unpleasant?

Well don't do it for free then!

Any chance of getting the well paid professional job back?

PaterPower · 25/01/2025 08:23

I can’t find any positives for this relationship in your initial post. There’s no excuses for the way he’s treating you and you shouldn’t tolerate it. I’m sure you wouldn’t be happy seeing a close friend or family member getting the same from their partner?

I’d be wary, too, that he’s not got someone he’s shagging in the background. He might be picking fights deliberately so he can tell himself the inevitable break up was all on you.

Either way, he sounds like a complete prick and I don’t think it’s going to get better.

DeffoNeedANameChange · 25/01/2025 08:25

It never made nay sense you staying home just to slave over housework like this. He could easily pay a cleaner twice a week if he earns 6k a month.

He's chosen this setup so that he has something to berate you about, and something to control you with.

JoanCollinsDiva · 25/01/2025 08:27

Am I deluded? Am I lazy? I feel like I’m starting to go crazy and that I need to document my day as proof to him. I have never ever given him a reason not to trust me and I don’t understand any of this.

Oh, love you're none of those things - you're in an abusive relationship and he's gaslighting you. That's why you don't know you're arse from your elbow.

Just the fact you're trying to gather proof to show him you're not lazy etc shows how far you've been sucked in to thinking you're maybe in the wrong.

Posting on here and seeing the responses will be the start of the scales falling from your eyes.

Good men don't speak to their partners that way.

oakleaffy · 25/01/2025 08:35

@PinkUser He's an abusive arsehole.

It will get infinitely worse once the second child has landed.

Get a divorce started.

Channellingsophistication · 25/01/2025 08:39

This is an abusive relationship. You must make plans to leave.

Imagine if it was your best friend telling you this about their partner, what would you think. I don’t think you would think it’s a great relationship

It’s sad that you say what more can you do as if you’re not doing enough! He is a horrible man

My DP works really hard running his own business. I work part time looking after DS and the home. DP says he wouldn’t be able to work the way he does without my support at home. Your DP should value your support too

TaggieO · 25/01/2025 08:44

Fast forward 30 years. What would you say to your DD if a man was treating her this way?

Krazy4kranberries29 · 25/01/2025 08:45

PinkUser · 25/01/2025 00:14

I’m not too sure what I’m hoping to gain from posting anything here, I think I’d just like some perspective that I’m not going insane.

My partner and I have been together 4.5 years. We have a 3 year old and I am 4.5 months pregnant with our second.

I work part time, 2.5 days (having given up a very well paid full time role to have our child). I look after our child 1 day a week one of of my 2 weekdays off, and the other day she is at nursery and the day is dedicated to housework / chores / “working for the family”.

I am responsible for all the housework in the house, laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, making beds, organising bills, and do the vast majority of the care for our child. I do bedtimes every evening, only I take her to and pick her up from childcare. I take her to her classes on the weekend. I make and clean up all her meals. (Please don’t mistake that as me doing that begrudgingly. I adore her - just for an idea of how domestic things are split.)

2/3 of my wage are for nursery fees and our family car, house insurance and minor bills which totals around £1200. The remainder is for my personal bills (phone etc). Our mortgage, utility bills, council tax, food shopping and holidays and paid for by my partner. He owns his own business and earns around 6 times my income.

Our Relationship is generally great, but occasionally come these outbursts which feel like a complete character assassination. I am called insults, lazy, sworn at, and a liar for lying about the amount of jobs / chores I am completing on my day of work for the family.

He doesn’t sleep in the same bed as me anymore, and has recently made comments (when going through my first trimester - rough!) that I’ve let myself go and I need to make more of an effort with myself.

i dedicate every hour of my Friday to cleaning our sizeable home, car, and doing all the invisible workload.

This evening before bed he asked what I’d done all day. He said I was a liar and nothing had been done, that I was watching tv or sleeping (I wish!).

In reality I’d take some bits over to a poorly relative on my way home from the nursery drop. Cleaned out our car and cleaned all apholstery. Cleaned the house and bathrooms. Hoovers the stairs, cleaned the windows, 2 laundry loads. All bedrooms and done a food shop, between the hours of 9:30-3:30.

picked our child up and of course played and made her dinner. He arrived home maybe 2 hours later to a home cooked meal.

i can provide timestamps and pictures of things I’d done but he’s says he’s not interested, that I’m lazy and I’m a liar.

Am I deluded? Am I lazy? I feel like I’m starting to go crazy and that I need to document my day as proof to him. I have never ever given him a reason not to trust me and I don’t understand any of this.

please help me

He is rude. He knows what you do. H
I'm sorry but he don't care. When he sleeps in a separate bed he is no longer attracted to you or his life. Don't take this hard on yourself or hurtful. I bet you are beautiful. You deserve better. If this don't straighten out I'm sorry to say that you need a life without him in the same house. He will if he hasn't already cheat on you. I'm sorry. Please what ever you do, do not fight with him. Let him say is ugly things and just go about your day. You will be happy in time. It just may not be with him. .