Self absorbed mum

[Fatcrab]

Anyone elses mum self absorbed? Whenever I or my brother speak about something, mum somehow makes it about herself....I could be talking about anything and she becomes the centre of it.

However, If we are speaking about a subject she has no knowledge on, she wont ask questions or show any interest in anyway, shel just wander off and potter around the house. As soon as she can speak about herself she will change the conversation and speak....then go on repeat.🤣

Every christmas & bday mum always says "I dont really know what to get you" and I think, yes probably because you never actually ask or show any interest in my life....its always a one way street...she talks at me and I listen.

I'd never really noticed this until just a few years back, but its actually very obvious and its just who she is 🤷🏻‍♀️.im not angry, I just wondered if other mums are like this?.

My mum is like this. A few weeks ago I was explaining how I’m being referred for ovarian cancer concerns and her reply was

“oh it’ll be fine you come from a long line of family members who have cysts. Including your uncle, your dad, me…… they thought I had breast cancer you know”

I just needed a hug.

I can’t say anything about medical things without it being turned into a competition or an interrogation (I know she googles things afterwards!)

Yep, my mum does it too and she has been like this forever - so not necessarily an age thing. She is not just self-absorbed, there is also an element there that whatever anyone else does is more interesting than what I do. Or what my family does. So she is completely obsessed with her neighbours' coming and going, but has no clue about ours. Neighbour's kid has a cold? I will hear about it. It is painful and the way she now interacts with my kids brings back bad memories. She does the same as a previous poster mentioned: My kids (ages 6-15) will mention something and within one minute the topic is back to the neighbour's kid (who we've never even met). The incredibly stupid thing is that I then get to hear in phone calls (after her visit) how she feels my kids aren't connecting with her and 'don't love grandma anymore'. Yes, obviously they don't!
For more than a year now she's been commenting that she doesn't know what job I do. Indeed, she has no clue as every time I start to explain within seconds I'm interrupted and the topic is back on a neighbour. It is incredibly frustrating.

Yes definitely this - my mum was getting worse and worse with her “transmit” mode - constantly interrupting and not listening to me (or anyone else). It drives me mad.

But recently she went for a hearing test and discovered she’s profoundly deaf in one ear - so I’m now able to view the situation with more compassion. Still bloody annoying though!!

No it isn't.. that word is so over used. Unless you know this woman which you don't don't say stuff like that. Its not helpful.

I wonder if what we're describing is the effects of Patriarchy? My mum had so much internalised misogyny and my dad mostly just resented his kids' existence. I wonder if women of that generation (I guess we're talking 1-2 generations back) learned to self-censor and essentially stop engaging in critical thinking in order to get along with men?

This isn't necessarily narcissism - being emotionally immature is a proper psychological state to be in - see that book I refer to, it's written by a clinical psychologist, fully referenced to research. It's not theory of mind either, its stunted emotional maturity. It's like talking to a 10 year old with my mum.

A situation happened last year where someone known to us shared a vulnerable situation that happened in her past where she had a tricky decision, and my mum just chose to judge her morals and could not empathise with her situation at all. It was so sad for me and really made me reflect that my mum's never been good with handling any emotion - we just glaze over any heightened emotion and just focus on the practicalities, not how we feel. Given there has been historical trauma in my family, it made me realise she ignored this and ignored the effect it had on us, just going into physical support mode because she didn't understand feelings enough. I do think this has shaped me into adult life.

An interesting thing I read said that only when you feel totally independent to your parents can you objectively see them for what they are. Earlier, you have to leave your parents on a pedestal, thinking that they're your best hope at security and safety. Once you have your own safety you rethink - they weren't great at being parents, and then the grief comes that you're sad for what wasn't there all along- emotional support and availability, and honesty.

Hmm, I don't know. I'm not averse to blaming the patriarchy/men for anything and everything. But just within my own circles I can look around and see many women my mum's age-ish, including all my aunts, who've had similar lives yet are completely different from her in this respect. They are open minded, engaging, fun to talk to.

I think as you age, you gradually develop a “don’t care what others think” style attitude. So whilst most mums love their children, they start to base everything around themselves.

To be honest, this isn’t unique to mum or older people. I find a LOT of people like this generally. I’ve lost count of the number of acquaintances I’ve met who talk for ages and ask no questions - I don’t make an effort to turn this into friendship as I find it draining and depressing. I can take it for a 5 minute catch up but not a sustained relationship.

Only quite late in her life did we realise that DM was really very deaf indeed and masking, so that she genuinely could not have heard what we said and was relying on body language to work out when to join the conversation.

Couldn't actually interact so would provide her own story ...

Tragic, really especially as she is now gone and there is no way to put anything right.

Grandswine

I struggle to be around my mum for this reason so I have backed away and keep contact low.

I had a very worrying cancer scare and she made it all about how it was affecting her. How she couldn’t sleep. How she couldn’t eat. How she couldn’t cope. Not once did she offer me any support. She told all of my family and even people who are strangers to me.

This is just one example, I’ve watched her do it so many times. When my siblings have had babies - it’s been all about how my mum didn’t get any sleep or needa everything to suit her despite her not being anywhere near by for support. When one had an accident - she wasn’t seen for dust but made it about now it affected her.

I have never met anyone so self absorbed and I can’t stand to be around her. She sees me enough to not cause any drama but she does not get to know anything about me and my own family.

To add to my rant..
At the weekend she asked me a question. The same question she has asked me 20-30 times so I said I’ve told already you.

She had no idea. Telling her again didn’t trigger a reminder. I said to my dad I think her mind is going but he told me she just isn’t listening to a word I have to say.

I could've posted this. My mum every year asks what I want for Christmas, and quite openly says that she can't be bothered to think about it. Whereas I am expected to buy 'lovely things'.

I find her exhausting to be honest. My brother and SIL have a baby and they lean heavily on her for support. She in turn leans on me...I then lean on mumsnet...

Mine asks me every year what I would like for Christmas. I come up with a few things that I really really need (low income). She counters with something along the lines of: “well, I’ve got some really good hair straighteners and they’re much cheaper than GHDs and they are the best ever and I think you’d like them.” I politely say “thank you for thinking of me but I already have some hair straighter/X/Y but I do really need (whatever I suggested). Guaranteed every single time she will get me the thing that she has decided I should want. And it really does annoy me because although I should be thinking “it’s the thought that counts” she hasn’t actually thought of me at all - she’s using a gift for me to show off something that she knows about with complete disregard for whether I’ll want, need or like it. And why ask what I want or need if you’re never going to take any notice?

I sound mean now, but this is just one very tiny thing that she does in a whole heap of self-involved nonsense.

Edited: she will then be at my house and complain about how terrible my saucepans are. “Oh dear, the handles are coming off. Why are they in such a bad state? You need some new ones.” And I’ll think “FFS I ASKED FOR NEW PANS WHEN YOU ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS AND EXPLAINED THAT MINE WERE FALLING APART.” 🙄

One thing that strikes me here is the number of people saying "My mum keeps talking about the boring neighbours but she knows nothing about my friends or my work". Is it possible that because they don't know our friends and have never seen our workplaces they find our chat about these things equally dull and pointless? Is there an expectation that parents will always be fascinated by the minutiae of their adult children (and grandchildren's) lives, whereas a similar level of mundane chat from an elderly parent does not have to be tolerated?

My friends and colleagues and I talk to each other about other friends and family members we don't know, and I don't feel as resentful and irritated by that somehow.

There does seem to be a lack of tolerance though these days and s lot of low or no contact for nebulous reasons. Bring self centred is what it's called. It's not a very appealing personality trait but it's how some people are. Maybe especially if they are a bit vulnerable- or for different reasons, they haven't anything else to say?? My daughter will call and I'll have to listen to a monologue for more than an hour about her every day if I let her, if I mention anything about myself or other family she just diverts back to herself. She's had a hard time and I don't mind too much though it can be a bit wearing sometimes. So I don't think it's always a mum or generational thing - she is 32

It's like some people don't have enough room in their head for other people, or maybe only a really limited number of other people.

MIL is like this and it’s so draining. I don’t give a shit about your neighbours dad’s dog having its cataracts removed, and my young DC certainly don’t. Her GC will be showing her a picture they’ve drawn or telling her about a party they went to and she interrupts to tell them something really mundane about people they don’t know - maybe she’ll throw in explaining the directions to their house even though it’s in a part of the country we’re not familiar with.

I think there are at least 2 possible factors here.

One is that people with narcissistic personality disorder like to feel that they're the centre of the conversation. If the conversation is about themselves, or about something which they feel they know more about than anyone else in the room, then they are comfortable. They have to be the authority, basically. If the conversation veers from those things, they become uncomfortable and will try to change the subject back to something where they are the ones "in charge" and everyone else is effectively their audience.

Another possible factor is slight early stage dementia. People's brains become less able to cope with new or unfamiliar ideas. Their world kind of shrinks and there is less and less room for thinking about other people, because most of their capacity is now taken up by just thinking about themselves and managing their own lives. It can be a subtle or gradual change, but it's quite common.

I'm sure there are other possible factors, but those are the two that stand out to me. Pretty sure my mum has both 🙄

@WhenTheyComeForYou re "I think as you age, you gradually develop a “don’t care what others think” style attitude." I do think there's a bit of truth in this, my mum is much more plain speaking after my dad died but I think it's because he would have probably brought her up on what she would say, and now she doesn't have that. Also I've reflected on how she was when I was growing up, and really she wasn't that different!

When I was getting married the only thing my mum talked about was her outfit, for months beforehand, to anyone who would listen. Shop assistants, hairdressers, her work colleagues. Even when she came with me to choose my wedding dress she monologued to the woman in the shop about her very ordinary dress she’d bought from a high street shop. I can remember the woman, very obviously sick of this dress chat, ushering us towards the door and my mum still droning on, completely oblivious.

I think the difference is I find some of my mums talk boring, but I listen to it because it is important to her. I take it in and whilst it has no interest to me I can ask relevant questions based on what she has said previously.

When she says to me "What are you up to this week" and I say seeing so and so tomorrow, then 5 minutes later she asks "so do you have any plans this week" I know that she is asking the social nicety questions, but doesn't actually have any interest in what I am up to because she zones out on the answers

Definitely sounds autistic to me, autism in women is a bit different to men, it might be worth researching it, but being on "transmit" mode, not asking appropriate questions or allowing appropriate air time to the other conversee is classic. I think all you can do is remember that she's just lacking social skills, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you.
I'm blessed that my mum is lovely, but she gets on my nerves in the opposite way as she's always asking me how I feel about everything! So you can't win! My sister in law on the other hand is exactly like this and recently admitted that she knows she does it but it feels like "a tape I've pressed play on and can't stop" which i believe is also classic autism. We find she also gets overwhelmed easily, so is mega full on and transmits for the first 24 hrs with us, then basically shuts down for the next 24 and can't really respond to anything especially if the environment is too stimulating.

Realise this is an old thread but reading it has helped me. I suspect asd with my mum.
I rang to tell her about a significant incident that had me really freaked out. (Caught up in a terrorist threat - scary situation, won't go into detail incase outing). Anyway the second I finished speaking she just said " okay right thats good it's over " and immediately launched into repeating a really mundane story about returning a dress as it didn't fit well. Details about how she paid by card, where it fit poorly on her etc. All this she had already told me the evening before!! Not a single question or comment about what happened. Even though I was clearly a bit emotional about it.

She has form for bringing all conversations back to herself. Explaining this to her would only result in her being really defensive and giving strange justifications.

She also hasn't a clue about my job, friends etc. She tells me many detailed stories about people from her work and others I don't know. I have cut contact alot as, at best, the one sided conversations are boring and at worst I come away from them feeling that she has no interest in me or she has put me down.

I have stopped telling her anything significant about my life. I mainly just listen and nod. Many reasons for this. Firstly she will repeat it to her friends/ other family members. Secondly if I dared mention anything I feel for eg if I said God I'm so tired, she will say "tired? Really? I was never tired when I was your age. " or if I said I'm finding it so busy with the 3 kids she would say " Susan from works sisters neighbour has 6 kids, imagine how busy that is." She cannot process what is wrong with this reply and thinks she gave me great advice. I end up feeling pathetic for being tired/ busy and think I must be inadequate.

Add me to your list of people experiencing this! My mum is neurodiverse and while she is genuinely loving she really struggles with appropriate social communication, empathy, changes to plans and hyper fixates on minor things. I find her company utterly draining at times and am saddened by the contrast in how I know she feels about me and how she communicates!
DD is old enough to notice now and DH just looks on with bafflement.