Self absorbed mum

[Fatcrab]

Anyone elses mum self absorbed? Whenever I or my brother speak about something, mum somehow makes it about herself....I could be talking about anything and she becomes the centre of it.

However, If we are speaking about a subject she has no knowledge on, she wont ask questions or show any interest in anyway, shel just wander off and potter around the house. As soon as she can speak about herself she will change the conversation and speak....then go on repeat.🤣

Every christmas & bday mum always says "I dont really know what to get you" and I think, yes probably because you never actually ask or show any interest in my life....its always a one way street...she talks at me and I listen.

I'd never really noticed this until just a few years back, but its actually very obvious and its just who she is 🤷🏻‍♀️.im not angry, I just wondered if other mums are like this?.

Why are we unable to point out quite clearly to our parents that these stories are irrelevant, not interesting, and are mostly depressing.

I have actually lost my cool and done exactly that, on like the 100th repetition of the same irrelevant fact, and mum will raise her voice and say I'M JUST TELLING YOU! and keep going. So she literally doesn't care that she's already told me something a dozen times, she's going to finish telling me again.

It makes me feel like she doesn't see me as an actual person, I exist only as a listening appliance.

I have family members with real, diagnosed ADHD and they do not do this.

God, this thread is turning into therapy

My mum was like this. She would just talk over the top of me and go on about topics that interested her. Mum once complained of a friend who would just talk at her, the friend would just talk with no back and forth conversation. I thought it was a good way to describe time spent with my mum. She knew nothing about me or my kids.

YEP. It's comforting to know it isn't just mine.

Why are we unable to point out quite clearly to our parents that these stories are irrelevant, not interesting, and are mostly depressing

One day these stories that are irrelevant, non interesting and are mostly depressing you will smile about as the person that told them are no longer here. Point them out while the person is here of that makes you feel better.

My MIL would chat shit a lot of the time and that was ok. Did it annoy me at the time? Of course it did. Do I miss those daft chats and comments? Every day.

Parents aren’t always perfect, nor are children, a little bit of tolerance goes a long way.

Mine majes everything about my nephews...if I say my DS team won a football Match....she immediately replies with X is brilliant at football.
I told her a story about how my DD's manners were complimented at a party the other day, she replies with Y has lovely manners too.

It's always about my sister, always as and always will. Maybe narcissism by proxy or something, is that even a thing? 😂🙈

That's a pretty trite response in a thread where many women are describing the deep hurt of being unable to connect with their mother at all due to her complete disinterest in things that don't affect her. This hurt extends to grandchildren too.

I don't expect these women are going to ever look back with fondness on those conversations where they reached out for a bit of empathy and were batted away.

Wow, are you my sister!?

My mum who was so brilliant in so many ways became like this in her 60s. She was so hard to be around. She had always liked to hold court, true, but any conversation no matter how it started simply became a prompt to talk about an anecdote about herself you had heard many times before.
She was diagnosed with dementia at 75 and I often think of this now as the precursor. Losing touch with reality, the ability to engage, and clutching on to things she knew and topics she felt safe with.

My dad is like this. He's a lovely man but is genuinely uninterested in anything other than himself, his ailments and what he's doing. He doesn't even bother to hide it really.

One of the reasons that she might tell these stories about people you don't know is something called Poor Theory of Mind.
No perspective regarding the emotions, context, thoughts or intentions of others being different from their own.
They only see things from their perspective .
In effect they have no idea or concept that you don't know the plumbers cats wife !

Once I realised this thanks to my therapist it became much easier to manage.
It's not deliberate, they absolutely cannot help it and so I would nod along and add in the odd " really" and crucially not expect any empathy or understanding for myself.
I emotionally stepped back and it was very helpful in managing that relationship.
No expectations just accepting that this is who they are.

Not a relative but someone I’m very close to. It’s the same, if he can’t make a subject of conversation about him you can visibly see him withdraw. He rarely asks about me or my family, and on the rare occasions he does he will either make my answer about him and his experiences or tell me that he told me that would happen - even if that’s not true.

I’ve just come to accept that I’m not going to change him and in every other aspect of life he’s a decent guy and would do anything for anyone, so I bite my tongue and ignore it.

I feel so seen! My mum will show empathy by talking about herself or her friends. I recently told her about a difficult diagnosis I’ve had and her response was to talk about herself friend who has the same and how awful it was for them. My mum never asks me about my life and I dread calling her as she just talks at me. I may as well be a brick wall. My therapist knows a lot about autism and has suggested my mum is autistic. When someone can’t really show empathy they talk about themselves in that situation thinking that is empathy. She’s also really bad at social cues. Will talk for ages to a waiter who is obviously very busy. Her dentist asks how the family are and she will spend half an hour telling him long stories about the family when he hardly knows us and is pronto a tight schedule.

my mum is just very self obsessed and very judgmental of others as if someone doesn’t do something her way they are wrong. No empathy at all. This had a very negative impact on me growing up as it look me years of therapy to trust others and form close relationships and I still struggle with opening up and self esteem. It’s highly damaging and I have to limit my time around her as it makes me so angry. Even thrum sure it’s not her fault.

There's always one 🙄

I think in my mothers case it’s an astounding lack of emotional intelligence.

Yes that is familiar, my mum coaches a sport and she has far more interest in those children than her only grandchild who she sees very infrequently and who doesn’t do that sport .

This is a fabulous book. Realised I was „blessed“ with parents who were both horrifically emotionally immature lucky me.

I’m not sure if it’s an age/ hearing thing, or have they always been like this?

My mum spends a lot of time alone with nobody to talk to about personal things (well actually that’s unfair, she works has girlfriends, but they would meet maybe once a week so still alone a lot). So I think when she gets my time she will just offload all the things she wouldn’t tell other people.

When she used to meet people in my life and they would ask her questions or say something, she wouldn’t really respond and just carry on. Later on I challenged her on it and she actually said she couldn’t hear/ understand (accents etc, and hearing loss), and she genuinely had no clue what the other had said. So her response to not make it awkward is to just carry on.

I don’t think she’s self-absorbed but she sees it as a monologue. Mostly her monologue but she might accept someone else’s monologue as well without engaging much.

I do wonder if she’s always been like this.

I also think old people develop an attitude that they know better and are wiser as they’ve seen it all, therefore what they say is more important.

I do slightly worry I’m becoming like her to be fair! I used to be a quiet young girl that everyone said was a good listener. Various bfs etc have me open up a lot though and now I feel like I dominate conversations sometimes.

Wow

My mil was like this whenever we told her what one of my dcs had done or was doing, her stock response was to compare it with what another of her dgc had done. Only after talking to my sils and bils I found out that she did the same to them, everything they spoke to her about she’d turn it to our dcs. Almost setting us up in competition with each other. Very odd behaviour.

Yes. Unless the conversation is already about her, she'll either find a way to make it about her, randomly change the subject to something she's interested in or just not listen.

I'm realising this more and more now than I'm grown up and a Mother myself how much it's affected me to never be truly heard. To a large extent I just 'grey rock' her now. I don't have time for it.

Well I lost my mum many years ago and I loved her dearly but there are some things about her I don't miss and wouldn't want to live through them again thanks

My mother to an absolute tee! What is it with these women? Is it the way society was in those days that has produced all these superficial self absorbed women? My mother wouldn't know how to have a meaningful conversation with anyone, but she is not daft and she is fairly well educated. I never understood it.

Another point: I have told my children that if I get like my mother, blathering on about fuck all and dominating all conversations, they are to tell me. I hope they will. And no, I do not miss my mother since she died. She didn't mean any harm but she was unable to support and guide me as I grew up and I had to do it all for myself (pretty unsuccessfully for years)

Personality! Or a lot going on for her? My daughter is like this I'm not lol

No I won’t. You are describing your experience and yours alone. The irony of your post.