Inlaws giving me the ick over EVERYTHING

[artyboy]

PIL live 45 mins away, so not too close but visit regularly. They’re lovely in theory, but MIL drives me mad. She constantly undermines me in my own house: tutting at toys everywhere, rewashing bottles because she doesn’t trust the dishwasher, and critiquing my cooking with backhanded comments like, “Oh, it’s lovely, but we always did it this way.” FIL isn’t much better.

The worst was Christmas, when they stayed for three nights. MIL shadowed me in the kitchen, “helping” (aka putting things in the wrong place) and making constant digs about how she would do things. FIL drank the last of the good wine without asking and even opened a bottle DH was saving for his birthday. It was honestly death by a thousand cuts, and I felt like a guest in my own home.

DH says I’m overreacting and that they mean well, but it’s exhausting. AIBU to think they’re completely overbearing and need to back off, or should I cut them some slack?

Don’t get me wrong, these things would irritate me to no end as well… but it reads like you’re at breaking point and anything they do now is a MAJOR annoyance rather than a minor annoyance.

I think you need to have a break from them - not anything drastic, but just try not to see them too much or at all (send DH with the kids, have a hair appointment booked or a friend catch up so you’re unavailable) for the next 3 - 6 months to give yourself time to reset. Have DH take over communications with them and tell him that you need a break so that you don’t do long term damage to your relationship with them.

Also, be more assertive. “I appreciate the offer to help, MIL, but having to go around the kitchen and put things back in their correct spot just creates more work. Why don’t you do a puzzle with DC? Or if you really wanted to help then ironing DHs shirts would help him out a lot”

It sounds like it’s cumulative. Your DH’s new job is to keep his mother out of the kitchen at your house. Also, hide the good wine.

Next time buy in some mediocre wine and hide the good stuff.
Give Mil a specific task to do in the kitchen
If anyone "tuts" just smile

Whole thing is agony but they won't change and are best ignored

You’ve just hit that point where everything is annoying you know.

My mil has done that and I feel bad about it. Dh will be like mum called and I just eugh on the inside with an eye roll. What now. Kinda thing. I feel bad after but it’s just always something with her. She cannot come into my home without making at least one rude/snide comment.

Even if we have some boxes to go in the loft it’s ohh you’ve so much stuff, don’t need all that, what’s in it. I don’t know ask your son it’s his shit, you raised him like this 🤷🏻‍♀️ The sheds a mess… why are you in the shed.

I think his too sacred to throw anything away since he was never allowed to keep anything presumably.

The go on holiday for a month soon and I cannot bloody wait 🤣👋 no oh well I was in the area, well I was at Waitrose, was just popping to the grave yard… so thought I’d call in. Cheers.

Ask your DH how he would feel if one of your parents followed him around making constant comments about a better way to do things.

He needs to have a word with his mum. She sounds so annoying. I'd also tell your DH that if his mum doesn't like your cooking, you won't bother making them any meals any more.

They sound like normal parents//inlaws. I would just breathe and have a bingo card going so you can laugh about it when theyve gone.

Do they just pop in without notice or can you at least head them off at the pass by claiming noro or some school event.

If they're liaising with your husband and he's just welcoming them with open arms twice weekly without any consultation then I think you need to start going out every time. Join a gym, start running, coffee shop, book club. Anything really and don't even begin to give a shit what your MIL thinks of you leaving him to hold the fort. Bet you anything he starts to consult pretty promptly.

As for your dealings with MIL. You can either let it wash over you and find your inner zen; find her something constructive to do that actually helps you; or start calling her out on it.

Well, this is how my mother taught me to do it.
Dishwashers sterilise the bottles because of the steam.
Thank you MIL, I'll be sure to ask if I want my cooking/cleaning/home mgmt criticised. In the meantime I'd appreciate it if you could keep your views to yourself in the interests of family harmony?
Just out of curiosity - did your mother in law criticise everything you did too? Did it ever stop? [Optional - or did you have to wait for her to die?] <Pointed look>

Start a thread on Mumsnet - "Things I wished I'd said to MIL today" and we can all pile in and make you laugh.

So hand over the hosting to dh... She won't judge his cooking I bet.

Do they ever host you and your family?

There is literally no need for them to stay for 3 nights (!) Or even one, if they only live 45 mins away. People have longer daily commutes than that ffs. I'd be nipping that, and any overnight stays in the bud to start with - it will be a lot harder for them to irritate you so intensely if a) there's a definite end point to seeing them b) it's a short meet up and c) it's not in your house! Go to theirs or to a neutral venue or get your dh to take the kids to visit for a while to give yourself an inlaw detox.

You need to get your DH on board - tell him either you see them slightly less or at some point you will explode and then he will be in the middle of an upset mother and an upset wife - usually men try to go for the path of least resistance to have an easy a family life as possible so hopefully he will agree.

I empathise. I also have in laws 45 minutes away who come and stay over and we don't have the space so they just sleep on sofas. It's awful. Can't really offer any advice as I just seethe inside.

Why did they stay 3 nights that would be a hell no from me! I would tell DH that you are going to be seeing them less as they are not enjoyable for you to be around and so why would you want to spend more time with them!!

Why on earth did they stay with you for 3 days when they live less than an hour away?

Why is someone following you round your kitchen? I made it clear to the in laws very early on that no one is to come in the kitchen while I'm cooking, except DH to get guests a drink. When FIL arrives and pops in to survey the kitchen he is swiftly told "you know the rules, out!" With a laugh and a smile, but firmly.

My MIL was like this when we had our first child, she and FIL turning up and just letting themselves in without knocking, constantly criticising, making snide comments about how her daughter knew how to do everything better than me. She used to hold the baby and say to him how cruel we were to him, e.g. "oh poor baby, your mum and dad are so cruel".
One time she was holding him and I pulled his bib down from his face and she turned her back and said "Don't touch him!"
That put the tin lid on it. I told DH if he didn't speak to her, they weren't coming in our house again. He spoke to both of them and things improved, but MIL used to just sit with her nose in the air without speaking when they visited after that. It took her a year or so to stop sulking.
I think the onus is on your DH to sort it out.

I know it's easy to say but could you be more assertive? Your PiLs are behaving and saying whatever they like but you're biting your tongue and quietly seething. How about saying "Why are you tutting at me?" "Please go and sit down, I prefer to be on my own in the kitchen" "Why are you criticising me so much? I don't appreciate it."

Most of us are so polite and non-confrontational (anything to keep the peace) but when faced with someone else who doesn't apply those restrictions to themselves, I think it's perfectly reasonable to hold them to account for it and lay down some boundaries of what you won't tolerate.

Gentle but firm boundaries. You don't have to put up with people being rude to you in your own house.
I would make the unsaid, said. Point out that it's rude to say it's lovely 'but' about your cooking and they could stop after the it's lovely. Point out that how you organise your home or where things go is down to you, because you are adults and it's your home and it's rude to try to override that. Point out that your have sterilised for your baby (presumably!) the way you chose to and are informed about, because you are the parent.
It doesn't need to be antagonistic but clearly lay out your boundaries and make it clear that you will no longer tolerate them being walked over. They don't get to be rude to you just because you married their son - if you wouldn't accept it form a friend in your house then don't accept it from them.

Exactly the same with mine, and ironically she criticises me for less than she has in her own house, e.g. she has absolutely threadbare stair carpet even though she has plenty of money to replace it and has both adult sons and a carpet fitter friend. Yet she will go on at me about how I decide to put things in the fridge.

This is all accompanied by an endless commentary of, "you don't think I'm interfering do you? XYZ relative always tells me I'm interfering" (she wouldn't stop if I said yes because she thinks she knows best and everyone else is wrong).

She is also more than happy to hand wash without rinsing a thing, and doesn't cut the bad bits off strawberries, but gets upset if I'm at hers and cut the bad bits off while I'm chopping them in bulk. it doesn't sound like much but following her around undoing chaos, or having to wait till she's gone to fix it all, is an absolute pain.

I agree with giving her specific safe tasks though. I tried to do that and she went rogue and pulled down half my gutter by accident.

This is the line you need to take. I used it years ago when MIL was being intrusive re infertility. I asked DH how he’d feel if my dad asked him questions about his genitals.

It's the job of the person whose parents they are to minimise known points of annoyance.

My mother drives DH mad, by sort of hovering around our (tiny, temporary) kitchen while he's cooking, so I just firmly rout her out of there and say 'You're not helping, it's actually annoying'.

This is made tougher by the fact that my mother is completely incapable of taking anyone at their word. She only ever says what she imagines other people would want her to say if she was that other person, so she thinks that because she would only tell someone not to bother helping to be polite, DH must really mean 'I expect you to help' when he says 'I've got this -- go and relax in the sitting room!'

Similarly, DH's parents have horrific table manners, and I'm easily nauseated, so on the rare occasions we eat out together, there's absolutely no sharing plates or anything communal, and I will not sit across from them. I still remember the day we had lunch together in an expensive fish restaurant to celebrate DH's new job, and both PIL kept putting the knives they had just been licking clean in the communal dish of butter to butter bread rolls in between mouthfuls...

I actually have a sign over the entrance to my kitchen which says “restricted section, do not enter” 😂

I can’t abide other people being in the kitchen when I’m cooking (obviously fine to come in and get something - it’s just me and the kids who live here - but not to hang about under foot).

If people do it to me, I point them in the direction of the kitchen / dining table (which is the other side of an archway from the kitchen proper) and they can easily chat to me from there.

My parents do this, ie criticise nothing things, whilst having the worlds most annoying fridge which opens the wrong way, and you have to close the kitchen door and stand right by it, taking your life in your hands that someone won’t fling it open at you, to open the fridge.

I know that we are told to accept these things but I think instead you should focus on your own family's well-being. So maybe don't have them stay overnight. Maybe get your DH to visit them on his own sometimes etc.

@artyboy I used to lock the door, put the lights off and pretend that I wasnt in!! sometimes I would go out because I knew when they would come to our house. mil used to come twice a day!!! once alone and later with fil when she had collected him from work! my dh had to put a stop to that because I was furious. next christmas you will be seeing your folks so that might be better. why do the men always say they mean well, or thats just what they are like????? and why the hell do they need to stay for three nights??? 45 minutes away?? we used to go on pub crawls further away than that!

Have a coat by the front door. When you see it is them on the ring doorbell, or through the glass pop the coat on. The response when you open the door when they arrive unannounced " oh hello, goodness, wasnt expecting any visitors, today, I'm actually just on my way out to buy milk/ go to the gym/ dentist/ hairdressers/ etc. If hubby is home, you can always say " I'm on my way out, but Jane's is in the lounge, do go on through.. " whilst simultaneously shouting " sweetheart, your mum and dad are here...just popping out, see you in a bit".

Go for a coffee, see a friend, whatever. Stay away a good while due to traffic/ queues/ waiting room etc.

My bet is your hubby will be texting you saying what do I do ? When will you be back WTC. Keep it light and 0ih not sure when, didnt I tell you I had a haircut/ dentists/nail appt, sorry love. Back later.

By the time he has had to host them for a couple of hours, for a few weeks, he'll be ready to have your back with regards to his parents.

The adult whose parents are the pain do the sorting. That's the rule. Until he is ready to help you with his parents, dont engage with them.

It also gives him space to speak to them without you there.
" where's Clare...we seem to have missed her the last 4 times we've visited?"
" to be honest dad/ mum, your constant commenting on her parenting is rude and upsetting. " easier to do that when you arent there.
Hope that helps.

The small digs have to stop I would say it results in futher bullying and resentment towards your husband for not backing you up. If he was happy for his father to drink his birthday wine then so be it in so many breaths, but if you both where meant to be drinking it one night together and the wine isn't easily enough to be replaced then these are the things he should be backing you up with absolutely. Next time just sarcastically say would you like to raise our children full-time? You seem to be prefect at it and my parenting isn't good enough for you or is it that you should back off and be grandparents ? Put some boundaries in place.