Inlaws giving me the ick over EVERYTHING

[artyboy]

PIL live 45 mins away, so not too close but visit regularly. They’re lovely in theory, but MIL drives me mad. She constantly undermines me in my own house: tutting at toys everywhere, rewashing bottles because she doesn’t trust the dishwasher, and critiquing my cooking with backhanded comments like, “Oh, it’s lovely, but we always did it this way.” FIL isn’t much better.

The worst was Christmas, when they stayed for three nights. MIL shadowed me in the kitchen, “helping” (aka putting things in the wrong place) and making constant digs about how she would do things. FIL drank the last of the good wine without asking and even opened a bottle DH was saving for his birthday. It was honestly death by a thousand cuts, and I felt like a guest in my own home.

DH says I’m overreacting and that they mean well, but it’s exhausting. AIBU to think they’re completely overbearing and need to back off, or should I cut them some slack?

You need a conversation with your DH about this. You're not overreacting, you sound suffocated by them.

Why are the visits so frequent? Who is inviting them? Or are they just regularly turning up? How often are they coming? I think this is where to start, with reducing their visits, could you cope with them coming once every two months? Would that help?

I wouldn't be letting them stay for 3 days over Christmas when they only live 45mins away, that's ridiculous.

If your DH doesn't have your back and support you and ask his parents to treat you with respect in your own home, then I'd take issue with him!!

You should not be made to feel like this in your own home. Start being assertive and set some firm boundaries!

'We do it this way'

'Well when you're in your house you can do what you like but in our house this is how we do it and it suits us, so I don't need any advice thank you'- said with a firm smile.

Christ alive! My MIL used to run off to different parts of the house with my newborn (as in, literally turn her back and jog off when baby started crying) and I found it almost unbearable. Also refused to hand her back once or twice. I absolutely hated it and our relationship has never recovered. If she'd snapped at me not to touch my own child I think I would have absolutely exploded! You are a saint for continuing to have them in your life after all that.

Absolutely this. My in-laws have the potential to be absolute nightmares, but I am assertive to the point of making grown men cry, and so they are very clear on where my line is and that they are not to cross it.

@BlueFlint thanks, I'm far from a saint 😂 but I put up with them because they were DH's parents and he put up with my crazy lot!
It sounds like your MIL went to the same mad school as my MIL!

Feeling like a guest in my own home.

OP you nailed it. That's exactly how my PIL make me feel and I've really struggled to articulate it.

No advice, I'm suffering the same sort of thing. As a people pleaser type- it weighs really heavy.

Your DH needs to be reminded that your home is yours as much as it's his, but his parents aren't yours as much as they're his. There is no history of love between you and PILs, they don't get to treat you as if there's decades of family ties between you. You'll put up with some stuff because they're his parents, but only so much.

You want to moan about three days over Christmas, now, almost a month later?

You poor thing! You just found out what they are like? Or is it that now that the ring is on the finger, fuck them? No need to pretend to like them anymore?

Why don't you put your big girl pants on and actually talk to them instead of moaning on the Internet. The fact you're married and have children tells me they've been in your life long enough to know them well - so have a healthy grown up conversation with them. People only know that their behaviours are annoying if people use their words. You don't have to go in all guns blazing but this really is a minor and the only person getting annoyed is you

Really think you need revaluate all of this and get some perspective. They are being themselves and you are being yourself. Not dangerous life threatening, or permanent (as in daily) get some simple strategies and bring this non problem down to size. Eg, Oh mum that doesn't live there just pop it in tears t cupboard etc. What you don't want them to see/drink etc remove from view in advance.

Why have them stay at all when they are close enough to drive home?

My MIL used to be like this with me.

DH would swan about having regressed to his teenage years while MIL stuck to me like a limpet, desperate for interaction and point scoring

I had a firm word with DH that we were seeing her for his benefit and not mine so could he fucking step up please. This worked better than moaning about MIL which, like your DH, got the 'she means well' response.

Also I know one of my SIL's would go and hide in her bedroom when MIL visited and neck wine. So that's an option as well 😂

Why on earth do you allow this if they live so close??? That seems crazy. Just drive to see them or if they are staying over at yours as they want to get drunk or dont like drivingin the dark then fetch them & also drive them home afterwards. Slerping on your sofa when their own beds are 45 mins away. Can you not see how crazy that sounds? It's your house. Just put your foot down.

Yeah, I don't understand first few comments at all.

I would get a divorce. I'm assuming husband is aware of situation.
If house is on joint name, forbade them to come to house. In-laws or not, I'm assuming this isn't theirs house?
If house is on husband name or your in-laws bought the house, maybe you should talk to lawyer or solicitor, but I couldn't imagine not divorcing husband in this case.

In my experience parents like this ( not just inlaws) don't want to admit their children are now adults and can run their own lives. It's usually parents who centred their lives around their DC and struggle with empty nest feelings, their DC are adults and don't need their day to day input but the parents can't accept that, they still see them as children who need guidance.
Unfortunately Op I don't know how you get them to see you're proper grown ups and they should be out having their own lives away from yours

Totally agree with @Daleksatemyshed

At the moment your ILs are cultivating an adult-child relationship with you - so giving you tips about how to do things, supervising you in the kitchen.

Your DH either doesn't mind, or has learnt to ignore it and just do his own thing.

You are being very nice and gritting your teeth in the interests of harmony. But this is leading you to the edge of an explosion and never seeing them again.

The way forward is to adult back to them, making it clear they are the guests.

Thanks MIL, but I store those things in that cupboard, could you move them back?

MIL I notice you have an issue with the toys. Could you tell me what it is instead of tutting?

MIL could you stop rewashing the bottles please? I can't possibly have a guest in my house clean bottles.

Oh that's so interesting that you cook it that way? I love the way every family has it's own recipe.

FIL did you drink DH's wine? We were saving that for his birthday, can you ask for before opening a bottle next time?

It won't stay this intense forever but it is painful (but worth it) while you reset the relationship.

Develop a good 'mmm' which is neither agreeing nor disagreeing with the comments and fault picking. Hide the good wine and drink it as they drive away....😁

Another post on mumsnet of people not standing up for themselves and wanting validation. People only get away with what you allow them to. Ffs. Grow a pair.

@NavyTurtle who hurt you. Why so angry?

Family dynamics are much more complicated than "stand up for yourself" but great if that works for you.

We used to have my in-laws around every week at least once. I used to get annoyed. Then they both died really suddenly within 6 months of each other. It was horrendous and I feel guilty now that I ever got snippy or moaned to dh.

I'm sorry for your loss.

But to feel guilty is ridiculous.

We are all going to die one day. It doesn't mean we can't be annoyed or annoying.

It is reasonable advice although rather more blunt that I would have phrased it.

It is a fair point, people treat you how you allow them to treat you. In this case we seem to have a textbook example of a control freak, and whatever the psychological reason for that, if it is causing distress, boundaries need to be laid down and enforced. I don't care how old they are. There comes a point in your life when you realise you are free and independent and don't have to put up with bullshit from other people.

Why would you feel guilty over something you were not responsible for? Death is something that is going to happen to all of us at some time, some will be more tragic than others. It doesn't mean you can't have boundaries or have to suck up to people all the time.

A fair point but as well as people treating you how you allow them to, there is also the fact that you cannot control other people. If that second point means someone is frequently violating your boundaries against your wishes and clearly has no wish to stop, there could come a point where the only way to stop them is to kick them out of your life. That is where complications can occur within a family, it is not always simple to just cut contact because of consequences which may end up being worse for you (for example).