Inlaws giving me the ick over EVERYTHING

[artyboy]

PIL live 45 mins away, so not too close but visit regularly. They’re lovely in theory, but MIL drives me mad. She constantly undermines me in my own house: tutting at toys everywhere, rewashing bottles because she doesn’t trust the dishwasher, and critiquing my cooking with backhanded comments like, “Oh, it’s lovely, but we always did it this way.” FIL isn’t much better.

The worst was Christmas, when they stayed for three nights. MIL shadowed me in the kitchen, “helping” (aka putting things in the wrong place) and making constant digs about how she would do things. FIL drank the last of the good wine without asking and even opened a bottle DH was saving for his birthday. It was honestly death by a thousand cuts, and I felt like a guest in my own home.

DH says I’m overreacting and that they mean well, but it’s exhausting. AIBU to think they’re completely overbearing and need to back off, or should I cut them some slack?

I actually have a sign over the entrance to my kitchen which says “restricted section, do not enter”

Mine said 'Staff only'!

Can you give them a wide berth for a while?

Next time husband wants to visit them, feign illness

Why are they staying over when they have a perfectly good bed 45 minutes away?

You need to play "In Law Bingo" you can okay this with shots or chocolate depending how things are going. Everytime they do that one thing you know they'd do you go ahhh 5 points to me!

I see so many threads about difficult in-laws, mainly mil's. I wonder, are all you dil's perfect? I know mine aren't - or is that my fault?

The cooking thing would annoy me and I’d say ‘that’s lovely but I prefer to do it this way as that’s the way I’ve alrwaya
done it and that’s the way we like it’ repeat until the message sinks in ‘I believe I already told you this is the way we prefer to do it’

Wine wise, unless they knew and did it deliberately then it’s annoying but put your special bottles where they can’t be found.

I have the opposite problem with my in laws and cupboards. They empty the dishwasher whilst we’re at work and then leave it on the worktop saying ‘we didn’t know where it went’ I mean they can find a plate/cup/pan to make it dirty but apparently can’t figure out which cupboard it goes back in once it’s clean 🤦🏼‍♀️

I feel your pain. My mil used to be exactly the same. Only - before the criticism she used to start it off with ‘you stupid girl…’
eg ‘you stupid girl, you don’t boil peas, you put them in the microwave, and then proceeded to drain the peas (mid boil) to then put them in the microwave to make a point. It was so exhausting after years I just ‘checked out’ and let her get on with it to keep the peace. My DH however wasn’t as laid back. She cut the baby’s hair once when looking after her. A very short fringe, not even straight. DH went ballistic at her. If she even attempted anything like that again she wouldn’t be seeing her granddaughter …. She wasn’t even a bloody hairdresser!!

Oh, it’s lovely, but we always did it this way.

I think id be tempted to just reply with a 'did you?' then leave it there.

I would privacy ask if her mother in law used to say things like that to her as well!

I don't blame you for being pissed off-I think I'd be tempted to remove myself from the situation-let them talk to DH whilst he cooks. Stay in the lounge and hog the good wine!

My MIL was very oppressive and used to sweep past me and start tidying and cleaning up with angry looks. Slamming around like it was her job.

Lots of digs and patronising comments and eventually we had a big row. Stop her now before real anger starts

I've found listening to Mel Robbins audio book Let Them has been really helpful. It's a big old dise if what you already know but it's help me to feel much less irritated with people.

Depends what you mean by they aren't perfect?

I recall my late MIL saying she would 'clean your windows', to be honest, they needed it. I feigned confusion and said to her, in front of her son 'I'm not sure which are my windows and which are 'son's' windows', I suggested she did the front then he could do 'his windows' at the back later. she never said it again, about anything!

I agree. All this rubbish about bingo cards laughing at it later don’t address the problem. You’re not a child, you’re a grown adult with a family of your own. You have a right to expect a level of civility and respect in your own home. I’d drop the nicey nicey DIL act and start to be more assertive adult woman (calm and measured like the examples in the post above).

You have the moral high ground - and if she can dish it out, she should be able to take it.

No wish to derail the thread, but intrigued by the "safe" task that led to her pulling off the gutter😂

Gawwwd. Sounds so annoying! I don't have any advice but I love the one above about putting your coat on to answer the door. My father-in-law used to come round and criticise everything. Why have you got that picture? Your oven looks like something out of the ark. Why have you got your washing machine there? Why haven't you got any kitchen roll? Why have you got so may key rings on that bunch of keys? Why have you got so much food in the fridge? And then would stand in the kitchen when I was cooking and state the bleeding obvious. Your potatoes are boiling! Quick! You've got washing on the line....you should go out there and take it in. ARGGGGGHHHH. He once insisted on trying to fix our broken toilet even though I had someone booked in to do it. He couldn't mend it and kept asking me for rubber gloves. Mine had a hole in and I said if you want rubber gloves I'm going to have to go to the shop and buy some more. He asked me at least three more times if I had a spare pair and if not, why not. In the end I went out "to buy gloves" and didn't go back home until I knew he had gone, hours later. Drove me bonkers.

In short, I feel your pain greatly! I hope that there is some way you can limit your presence in your in-laws' company as it sounds as if it is really draining.