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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me that's the problem?

66 replies

Sensitiveelephant · 23/01/2025 08:23

I often wake early to do anything I need to do before getting kids up because I have 3 and then all my time is taken. I get them all ready do their lunches and sort out homeowkr and school bags hair and teeth.
Husband fills their water bottle and sometimes does a bowl of cereal or bagel for one of them.
I have said multiple times I need a bit more help in the morning but he says he doesn't know what to do. I need to tell him.
This morning I was sorting homework and had made youngest breakfast already and she didn't eat it and walked away from the table.
I asked Dh to deal with it this morning as i was busy. He said no she doesn't need breakfast. I said she needs something can you go get her I'm busy. He kept arguing and I said look I'm busybi really need you to deal with that right now. He shouted at her to come downstairs. Qouldnt go to her and she kept saying she didn't want to come down he then said she wasn't having a friend over that I've arrange for the weekend. Tears and wanting mummy blah blah. I did kind of get a bit annoyed and said this is why I never ask because you either don't help or you shout and cause more mess for me to clean up. He shouted at me that it was this or nothing andbi should decide. I said but that's not very helpful and he just kept shouting you decide this or nothing. I said I couldn't speak to him right now as he was being unreasonable. He said coming from you! I justbkept silent then and got everyone sorted
I brought her down easily and gave her banana (not much but something)
She was fine eating it.
Dd1 is a teen and couldn't find French booklet. I asked him to help her look but he said no. I helped her and found it. He shouted at her to look for things night before she bit back that she didn't know it was missing. They both had a tone of voice he kicked off and teen away her pocket money.
It's just not the way I would deal with things and I think pick your battles and approach things in a calm way.bhes all guns blazing.
It's either he helps by shouting and being in my opinion too strict or doesn't help at all.
He said to do if she every answers back or has a tone of voice she loses money straight away. I said she would need a warning first but he said no. Is it me or him or neither or both? 🤣

OP posts:
Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 23/01/2025 08:26

Your dc need to be a bit more self sufficient..
Your dh needs to shout less.
You need to not undermine him..
*which is hard when he is a twat....

Devilsmommy · 23/01/2025 08:27

He sounds like a twat, sorry. Going in all guns blazing is just going to make a situation worse as he can see for himself. Bloody hell, I feel sorry for your daughter's getting shouted at first thing in the morning. Let him deal with the lunchboxes and you sort the girls. Basically Keep him away from causing arguments in the morning

Whatachliche · 23/01/2025 08:29

it is not you.

he is another child that you are managing, not your partner.

It is worrying you can't see how much of a burden he is.

No practical advice as I don't think men like this will change - because they don't want to.

randomchap · 23/01/2025 08:33

Can your dc sort own bags out the night before? Homework etc? Then it's one less thing for you to do in the morning. The teenager should certainly be capable of this.

PinkyFlamingo · 23/01/2025 08:36

Cant your DC do more for themselves?

EveryKneeShallBow · 23/01/2025 08:38

A member of my family had a terrible, neglectful childhood. His only experience of a parent was getting shouted at, sworn at and shut out of the house. He tried to help by “supporting “ his partner with the children, similar to your husband, with predictably similar results. But what solved it was them sitting down and talking about it calmly, not during the morning rush, and him really wanting to be a better parent. If your husband is willing to change his approach, things can improve, but it needs to come from him.

Flipslop · 23/01/2025 08:39

Sounds like you both need to make some kind of plan and get on the same page when you’re both calm and not in the thick of sorting 3 kids out each morning. Sounds a pretty grim environment for everyone to start the day tbh.
maybe both of your are right, maybe neither but I can imagine the tone you’re going at each other with, nobody wins like that

BoxOfCats · 23/01/2025 08:39

Sounds like he is resentful and angry of you asking him to do something he clearly feels is your job, and he is taking it out on the kids. What a guy. Does he have any positive traits?

SnailFail · 23/01/2025 08:43

I mean he's obviously useless. If you want to actually try to improve things though, you could try doing alternate mornings each, so he gets into the swing of what needs done when? Or you could have clearly defined tasks - he makes breakfasts, you clear up. Or be responsible for different children. And so on.
It's annoying when people can't just see what needs done and muck in, but at least defining tasks would improve things (although obviously you would still end up being the one who sees the extra stuff that needs doing).

Fartypants83 · 23/01/2025 08:44

Why is a teenager not able to find her homework?

Why are you chasing school aged children round to eat their breakfast?

He seems quite sensible and trying to give them self sufficiency. You shout at him because his parenting style is not the same as yours and then he over reacts and you undermine him by overturninf punishments which you pushed him into implementing.

No wonder he doesn't want to get involved. Sounds chaotic.

You need to have a conversation to align parenting styles. Go out for a meal to discuss this.

Your teenager shouldn't be chased for having school items. She needs to grow up.

Kids not eating breakfast will have a terrible day at school and then will learn to eat their toast.

Dont shout at each other or undermine each other, especially in front of the kids.

PumpkinScarf · 23/01/2025 08:50

What’s he been doing for the kids for the last at least 13 years in the mornings?

PheasantPluckers · 23/01/2025 08:53

You - plural, including your husband and children, need to be more organised the night before.

Semiramide · 23/01/2025 08:53

You need to talk to each other and formalise a plan to get organised.

No one ought to be running around chasing homework and school stuff in the morning. This needs to be done the evening before.

There should also be a clear plan for breakfast and lunches. Have everything ready for quick assembly in the morning.

Agree a division of labour. It seems that your husband might be better dealing with practical stuff, like preparing lunches, whereas your forte is dealing with the unexpected.

Ragruggers · 23/01/2025 08:54

You are doing too much for your Dcs.The night before all homework,books Pe stuff should be sorted.Lunch boxes done and in the fridge.The teen is more than capable of doing their own and with some help the younger children.Breakfast table laid the night before any child not eating takes food for mid morning break..Good luck your children will become more capable and you less stressed.Ignore the shouting.

SootspriteSearcher · 23/01/2025 08:56

I'm not excusing his behaviour at all but some people are not morning people, im far more short tempered and so are my dds.

If your dd didn't want to eat its not going to cause her harm. Just bring a snack on the school run to eat on the way if necessary.

And I'm with dh on your eldest dd, she should have sorted her bag the night before. As a teenager it's on her to look after and keep track of her homework/books. It shouldn't have been a shouting match but equally she should have looked for it herself without help.

To clarify I have 2 teenagers 16 and 12, I do make their breakfast and lunch every morning, but i leave 10 mins after they get up for work so cant do more than that. When I get in from work I check they have enough uniform/homework is done but if they choose not to check they will have to suffer the consequences.

SnoopysHoose · 23/01/2025 08:57

You ask him to help them jump in or criticised what he does.
Teenager does not need mummy to help, also why are you persuading kids to eat? they don't eat then that's on them.
What ages are the D.C.?

Original poster
Sensitiveelephant · 23/01/2025 08:57

My dad is working incredibly hard on school and out of school she is part of a huge production locally and has a main part. She is rehearsing 3 times a week and we didn't have time. Ususall6 she would pack her bag but I told her to leave it and get to bed as we got home at 10. She's only 12 and needs her sleep as has to be up early. Sometimes if kids are working really hard they still need some help. They're only kids.
My youngest was up late as dh wouldn't get her to sleep as she wanted me so she's tired too.

OP posts:
Fontainebleau007 · 23/01/2025 08:59

Why not just talk and plan out who does what in advance, also your teen could be doing a lot more for themselves.

Hazeby · 23/01/2025 09:01

Mornings are stressful with three kids and instead of pulling together you’re turning on each other.

Sit down and tell him that. Tell him you don’t want to be the kind of couple that bickers over kids and you want everyone in the family to have a good start to the day. Come up with a plan together, a list of things that need doing in the morning and who is responsible for each.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 23/01/2025 09:02

It sounds like chaos.
You are running around pandering to your children and training then how NOT to be independent.
He is trying to keep out of it beyond practical stuff like filling water bottles and toasting a bagel.
Frankly I'm on team DH (apart from the shouting, that's bad).
Why are you letting your youngest walk away from the table without eating breakfast, then expecting someone to personally escort her back down?
Homework and bags should be sorted the night before. Lunches should be prepped the night before, so morning should just be putting bits in lunchbags.
DC should be doing much more from themselves. Put cereal and milk on the table, they can serve themselves. Bread next to the toaster. Fruit bowl on the table.
If you want your DH to help, then agree between you a better morning routine, and let him help in a way that makes sense. Sending him off to "help" children who should be helping themselves is a waste of everyone's time, and given his short fuse in the mornings, doomed to failure.

PheasantPluckers · 23/01/2025 09:03

Sensitiveelephant · 23/01/2025 08:57

My dad is working incredibly hard on school and out of school she is part of a huge production locally and has a main part. She is rehearsing 3 times a week and we didn't have time. Ususall6 she would pack her bag but I told her to leave it and get to bed as we got home at 10. She's only 12 and needs her sleep as has to be up early. Sometimes if kids are working really hard they still need some help. They're only kids.
My youngest was up late as dh wouldn't get her to sleep as she wanted me so she's tired too.

Then perhaps she's doing too much?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/01/2025 09:05

He is very unreasonable. He’s deliberately being worse than useless so that he isn’t asked to help again -now that the ploy of needing to giving specific tasks isn’t working he’s trying something else.

I do agree that it would help if the kids were a bit more self sufficient though, esp the teen.

Notgivenuphope · 23/01/2025 09:06

You are mollycoddling your kids. They ought to be more than capable of sorting their own school bags, doing their own water bottles and PE kit. Ans as for wandering off and crying instead of eating - not even my cat does that! And you offering alternatives is ridiculous. If she refuses to eat, fine she gets nothing.
Be firmer OP. Set aside 15/20 mins in the evening to get it all done. This all sounds pathetic and a chaotic way to start a day.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/01/2025 09:07

Sensitiveelephant · 23/01/2025 08:57

My dad is working incredibly hard on school and out of school she is part of a huge production locally and has a main part. She is rehearsing 3 times a week and we didn't have time. Ususall6 she would pack her bag but I told her to leave it and get to bed as we got home at 10. She's only 12 and needs her sleep as has to be up early. Sometimes if kids are working really hard they still need some help. They're only kids.
My youngest was up late as dh wouldn't get her to sleep as she wanted me so she's tired too.

If she’s 12 she’s not a teen! Just read this drip feed.

Sounds like the book was easily found so the point still stands - my 16 yo is also incredibly hard working so I get it but they need to know that extras are extras, not instead of the basics.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/01/2025 09:08

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 23/01/2025 09:02

It sounds like chaos.
You are running around pandering to your children and training then how NOT to be independent.
He is trying to keep out of it beyond practical stuff like filling water bottles and toasting a bagel.
Frankly I'm on team DH (apart from the shouting, that's bad).
Why are you letting your youngest walk away from the table without eating breakfast, then expecting someone to personally escort her back down?
Homework and bags should be sorted the night before. Lunches should be prepped the night before, so morning should just be putting bits in lunchbags.
DC should be doing much more from themselves. Put cereal and milk on the table, they can serve themselves. Bread next to the toaster. Fruit bowl on the table.
If you want your DH to help, then agree between you a better morning routine, and let him help in a way that makes sense. Sending him off to "help" children who should be helping themselves is a waste of everyone's time, and given his short fuse in the mornings, doomed to failure.

To be fair I think OP’s point was she wasn’t letting the youngest walk away from the table without eating but because she was on one person she needed the DH to do the “not letting”, ie go and get her. Once she’d gone this was the only way of “not letting” - shouting and screaming up the stairs in the mornings when everyone is tired isn’t helpful.

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