Is it me that's the problem?

[Sensitiveelephant]

I often wake early to do anything I need to do before getting kids up because I have 3 and then all my time is taken. I get them all ready do their lunches and sort out homeowkr and school bags hair and teeth.
Husband fills their water bottle and sometimes does a bowl of cereal or bagel for one of them.
I have said multiple times I need a bit more help in the morning but he says he doesn't know what to do. I need to tell him.
This morning I was sorting homework and had made youngest breakfast already and she didn't eat it and walked away from the table.
I asked Dh to deal with it this morning as i was busy. He said no she doesn't need breakfast. I said she needs something can you go get her I'm busy. He kept arguing and I said look I'm busybi really need you to deal with that right now. He shouted at her to come downstairs. Qouldnt go to her and she kept saying she didn't want to come down he then said she wasn't having a friend over that I've arrange for the weekend. Tears and wanting mummy blah blah. I did kind of get a bit annoyed and said this is why I never ask because you either don't help or you shout and cause more mess for me to clean up. He shouted at me that it was this or nothing andbi should decide. I said but that's not very helpful and he just kept shouting you decide this or nothing. I said I couldn't speak to him right now as he was being unreasonable. He said coming from you! I justbkept silent then and got everyone sorted
I brought her down easily and gave her banana (not much but something)
She was fine eating it.
Dd1 is a teen and couldn't find French booklet. I asked him to help her look but he said no. I helped her and found it. He shouted at her to look for things night before she bit back that she didn't know it was missing. They both had a tone of voice he kicked off and teen away her pocket money.
It's just not the way I would deal with things and I think pick your battles and approach things in a calm way.bhes all guns blazing.
It's either he helps by shouting and being in my opinion too strict or doesn't help at all.
He said to do if she every answers back or has a tone of voice she loses money straight away. I said she would need a warning first but he said no. Is it me or him or neither or both? 🤣

You need a better plan for the mornings a this sounds very chaotic. How old are your children? It sounds like they have been babied. It’s parents job to provide food but if children don’t want to eat it then that’s their choice.

Can you sort pack lunches the night before, at least in part or move to school dinners?

Children over 8 should be managing their own teeth and hair. If they can’t they need to be learning and you need to help them put strategies in place to help them stay organised. My 8 yr old ND and needs a checklist of her upstairs and downstairs job. Hmk needs to be put back inside hmk fold in their bags as soon as it’s complete. I would also expect them to be making a simple breakfast (although eat as a family) and put their own water bottles, snacks and lunch boxes in their bags - the last it my nursery aged child managed.

You and DH need to sit down and work out and morning time table and present it to the children together.

This, everything is very reactionary and last minute and a routine where everyone has specific assigned tasks and responsibilities will fix it.

I don't agree with your DH shouting but I sympathise with him saying he doesn't know how to help you. I wouldn't know how to help you either because your set-up is so chaotic it would drive me mad.

Your DC should be sorting their own things out ready for school the night before. What on earth is going on that homework is being done at breakfast?

I'm sure you're a lovely, caring Mum but you aren't doing your DC any favours by being disorganised and letting them start each day in chaos. You need a structure, routine and far more independence from the DC.

What you need is for him to be in charge of it while you go to work or the gym etc a couple of days a week at least.

Thanks everyone for the input. It's nice to get a reality check. Sometimes I need it. I don't have any family and my husbands family lives in another country so we have no support and he works long hours so yes sometimes things can be rushed as there isn't enough hours in the day.
It's not normally that chaotic but everyone was tired from night before and I wanted to help do as she had already looked and it turns out she had put it in her bag with something else and hadn't noticed. She is such a good kid and does alot for herself always sorts her bag and clothes. Pe kit etc. Sorts all her drama dance and singing stuff and cleans her room it's never messy. Sets the table for me washes up.
Maybe I got in the habit of making breakfast because it was just easier than having everyone crowd around the toaster or whatever. I make eggs for them too.
Homework was done I was just putting it in the youngest folder (she is 5) because it needed to go to school today.
I agree we shouldn't be shouting. It is honestly never like that. But its a thought few days for reasons we don't need to go into and I needed a bit of support.
Normally goes very smoothly. I get up make breakfast and lunches (they don't like them made the night before and I'd prefer they eat. It takes 10 minutes) kids all get themselves dressed and clean teeth. I do youngest hair and anything else that needs doing for the day.
But usually it's not a bother. Today was different and I asked for help and I felt I didn't get it.
I'll speak to husband and say we were both tired and stressed and try to just get on same page.
I will also maybe see if I can get the kids making breakfast. It's such a small kitchen but maybe I put some things on table like someone said.
I was neglected as a child and ended up in foster care due to abuse and neglect. Sometimes maybe I go too far the other way to make sure I'm giving them everything they need.
Thank you everyone.

The reason I asked husband to help is because I was busy and he was honestly just stood there. Normally she would have everything ready but like I said we had a late night. It's not dds fault. I said leave it until morning as she was exhausted. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. But normally she has plenty of time in the morning and is wandering around ready waiting to go. Lesson learnt.
I did ask him nicely. Didn't order him.

He sounds awful in the mornings? Is he like that during the day and night time also?
If that's the case I'd strongly consider saying sayonara.

But if it's just this one issue, I guess you could make a checklist for each day and each task, then divide up the things between you the night before?

Like tomorrow I'll do bill and jay's breakfasts, you do Lucy's hair and teeth etc.

The children need to pull their own weight as well. The teen shouldn't need anything off either of you. They can make a cup of tea and toast? And if someone loses their book then it's them that should be finding it.

@BobbyBiscuits You may find this useful. It’a from a well respected book.

@Bristolinfeb maybe more for OP's benefit than mine but it does look useful. Thanks.

Sorry I thought I was tagging the OP!

Yep they do all that apart from plants and veg patch. They also help me clean the windows and dust.

@Bristolinfeb no worries, thought so. it looks like a good bit of guidance though. The more independent they can be the better! X

Make sure all lunches and bags are sorted the night before. (Make up lunches while dinner is cooking or do a big batch of sandwiches at the weekend and stick in the freezer).

Ensure you have a few cartons of juice, cereal bars, bananas that the kids can take with them if there isn't time for breakfast.

Maybe come to agreement with your DH that one of you does uniforms, the other lunches?)

It's both of you. You are the opposite of each other and it makes it really stressful for everyone involved. He shouldn't be yelling or threatening to take away pocket money, but you do sound like you need to take a step back even though you are being so loving, you need to let them work some things out for themselves and be a bit more independent.

It also sounds like the disagreement between you two is fueling his frustration a bit and making his responses to the children worse- he wouldn't have yelled at your youngest if you hadn't argued on and on with him that he needed to get them to eat their breakfast and like him I wouldn't have forced it like you wanted him to.

Sounds like it was just a stressful morning so hopefully it's just a one off and not a common experience but it's probably better to talk about it when you can have a calm sit down and make a plan so that everyone knows their role for when times are busy and then you won't get annoyed at each other.

He came home at 8. Everything OK and kids fed and ready for bed except eldest who was still in normal clothes. She had a friend over and her mum came to pick her up at the same time.
I went out to say hi to dds friends mum as I knew dh was in kitchen.
Out for 15 mins. Come back to chaos. Dd said that her younger was going into her room and messing around and dh wouldn't do anything about you for ages. He heard this and flipped and took more money off her for being disrespectful. Everyone crying.
Little one been told not go in to other people's rooms lots of times. Dh said she's losing money everyt8me she talks back but seems like every time she says something he doesn't like. She said she called him and then went down and asked him and he kept saying he would be up soon while little one was ruining time with her friend.
I don't know what to do or say now I'm doubting myself so much. I just said we should all take some time to calm down and then have a calm chat about it. But he's not calm. Keeps going on about punishment etc. I don't know what to say or do. I know I sojnd so stupid. I don't want to do the wrong thing. Help.

Sounds to me like the issue is that you really aren't on the same page you parent very differently from each other, and when you disagree with your husband's parenting decisions you correct him or go against what he's said, in front of your children. You should both have equal say, and if your husband has handled something then your daughter running to you the second you walk in to complain about his decisions is disrespectful to him, he is her parent too.
I don't really agree with his methods of yelling and taking away pocket money and he sounds like he's quick to punish, and I think we need to respect children as people to have their respect in return, but equally he obviously doesn't feel respected as an equal parent if they go around him and complain about him to you and you take their side rather than backing your husband.
I think you and your husband need to sit down without the children and try and figure out how to be on the same page and be a team, think about what boundaries are acceptable for BOTH of you and try and support him as a parent.