Is it me that's the problem?

[Sensitiveelephant]

I often wake early to do anything I need to do before getting kids up because I have 3 and then all my time is taken. I get them all ready do their lunches and sort out homeowkr and school bags hair and teeth.
Husband fills their water bottle and sometimes does a bowl of cereal or bagel for one of them.
I have said multiple times I need a bit more help in the morning but he says he doesn't know what to do. I need to tell him.
This morning I was sorting homework and had made youngest breakfast already and she didn't eat it and walked away from the table.
I asked Dh to deal with it this morning as i was busy. He said no she doesn't need breakfast. I said she needs something can you go get her I'm busy. He kept arguing and I said look I'm busybi really need you to deal with that right now. He shouted at her to come downstairs. Qouldnt go to her and she kept saying she didn't want to come down he then said she wasn't having a friend over that I've arrange for the weekend. Tears and wanting mummy blah blah. I did kind of get a bit annoyed and said this is why I never ask because you either don't help or you shout and cause more mess for me to clean up. He shouted at me that it was this or nothing andbi should decide. I said but that's not very helpful and he just kept shouting you decide this or nothing. I said I couldn't speak to him right now as he was being unreasonable. He said coming from you! I justbkept silent then and got everyone sorted
I brought her down easily and gave her banana (not much but something)
She was fine eating it.
Dd1 is a teen and couldn't find French booklet. I asked him to help her look but he said no. I helped her and found it. He shouted at her to look for things night before she bit back that she didn't know it was missing. They both had a tone of voice he kicked off and teen away her pocket money.
It's just not the way I would deal with things and I think pick your battles and approach things in a calm way.bhes all guns blazing.
It's either he helps by shouting and being in my opinion too strict or doesn't help at all.
He said to do if she every answers back or has a tone of voice she loses money straight away. I said she would need a warning first but he said no. Is it me or him or neither or both? 🤣

All of this. You need to do as above and have a meeting with your husband. Then you need to have a meeting with your children about what is expected. School bags, PE bags , cookery stuff, specific one off stuff like book day, Easter hats ( whatever bollocks school have thrown at you ) is absolutely, and with no negotiation, to be sorted and put in the hall the night before. Breakfast is freely available. They can get it themselves if teens. If they don't eat within the available time then they go hungry. That's on them. No one died from lack of toast .
NEVER EVER EVER UNDERMINE EACH OTHER IN FRONT IF YOUR CHILDREN. You asked him to do something. He did it in his way. If he shouted at them then tough on them. Some people are Mary Poppins some people get pissed off when people,who could help themselves, are not doing so . If they don't like being shouted at they coukd avoid that by doing their jobs so the house runs smoothly.

My 11 year old makes sure she has the right books in her bag and both children (9, 11) get their breakfast in the morning.
How old is your youngest?

Doormat meets short fuse

Just saw your update.
Your DD would have been better off sorting her stuff out the night before. It was a false kindness getting her to leave it until the morning. It's really hard to try and get yourself up AND organised when you're really tired after a long day and late night.

I think it might be a bit late now but it’s madness to fall into the habit of doing absolutely everything for your children. That is not helping them at all. I was brought up to pitch in practically from being a toddler so I brought my children up the same way. We all help, we all do things. Yes, I do the most as I am mum and I run the house but I don’t do everything. Breakfast was always self-serve. PE kits and stuff for school was on them. I reminded them but I didn’t do it for them. Actions have consequences. They need to learn.

Understand your frustration with your DH. My ex was the same. Useless. Wanted to be told to do every little thing. No initiative and no patience. I had him leave when my youngest was 10. He was just another child to take care of.

Btw I wouldn't say you're 'the problem'. I was left to my own devices as a kid and remember walking to my friend's house so we could walk to school together, and absolutely marvelling as her mum put cereal and milk and a SPOON together for her daughter, made sure she had everything she needed, etc. No one had put milk in cereal for me for years and I was ten at that point. There was something so caring about it!

My kids have croissants, juice, milk etc for breakfast - we set things out for them on the side the night before so they can get their breakfast in the morning. I think encouraging independence is good, there's a good balance to be had in caring and nurturing your kids enough that they have the skills to grab some brekkie in the morning. I do get your perspective as I am often led by my heart to do the same, especially after my childhood! But there is a happy medium. It is not spoon-feeding your kids, and it isn't shouting and removing pocket money and weekend plans over a missing book or whatever.

My ex husband was like this, we have 2 children together 13 and 9 but I left him because he was abusive to my children and me. I am now in happy relationship with my new partner and we been together for 2years we have just had little boy he's 3weeks old and I couldn't be happier if I was U I would be really think is it worth it? Does he make U happy?

All of this.

Your household sounds chaotic and stressful. No wonder everyone is shouting and crying.

Why are they doing homework in the morning if you're in such a rush? It will never get done properly! And why is your husband helping your teen child look for her school books?!

Jesus it's making my blood pressure rise just thinking about this 😂

Sorry but I disagree. If she is a child who is doing a drama thing or getting up at 5 to swim 50 lengths or riding a horse all weekend, the normal stuff still has to be fitted in and she has to learn that being organised is even more crucial. Putting stuff back where it belongs so it doesn't end up lost is a hugely important life skill and making a lunch box in 5 minutes flat, because she is shattered and wants to go to bed, is not going to kill her. Presumably the only thing she actually needs to create , rather than picking up and dropping in the box, is a sandwich.

Sounds crap altogether.

How old are they?

There is no need for it to be so chaotic in the morning.

You all need to have your roles more organised so you don't end up doing everything.

Your husband's way of handling things is shit, but it really didn't need to get there.

Bags and lunches done night before.

Breakfast made available, if it's not eaten, they go hungry and won't make the same mistake again.

It sounds really hectic and stressful, but it's definitely a case of fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

He doesn't want to "help" so he is doing what he is doing so that you get fed up of asking him.

But your teen should not be rude to her father even if he is being a prat.

I agree with @NotbloodyGivingupYet , you're pandering and running about like a skivvy to your kids.
Do they do anything for themselves? You're full
of excuses, the comment about blaming your DH for the wee one being tired is petty.
You've made yourself the centre of this, they need you to sleep, they need you to find things etc etc teach them to do things for themselves or you'll be packing their bags at 18 as they'll be inept.

Your DH shouldn’t have shouted but having to help a teenager find a booklet is ridiculous.

Older kids need to get into the habit of getting themselves organised the night before.

If the younger child refuses to eat breakfast in time, well, she goes hungry. She’ll learn.

Fuck me, he acted like a dick!
If he's not a full-blown dickhead all the time, then I'd sit down with him when both calm (maybe after the kids are asleep) and list all the things that need doing in the evening/morning to prep the kids for school. Then you split evenly who does what.
E.g.:

• prep DC1 bag for school? Evening, DC1 + Dad
• help DC2 and DC3 with breekie? Morning, Mum
• packed lunch for 3 DCs? Morning, Dad

...

If he is a full time dick head...

Teens should be getting their own breakfast - if they don't want it thats on them, leave them to it.

from about 9yr old my kids done their own school bag the night before. They knew what they needed to do. Yeah sometimes they said what about thisor that in the morning but it wasn't a big deal.

my kids got their own packed lunch bags ready. I made up their sandwich or wraps the night before so all they had to do was take them from the fridge but they got everything else for their lunch themselves. They know where the food is and what they normally get.

Kids were up at least an 1.25hrs before leaving for school so no one was rushing.

Is the daughter who wasn't eating breakfast the 12 year old? If so you are unreasonable, a 12 year old should not need help eating breakfast.

This. It’s your job as the woman don’t you know.

It isn't you but....
Men in my experience so need to have it spelled out.

Do breakfast is too vague ..

Give the kids cornflakes is clear

You are doing too much in the morning. Homework etc should be sorted the night before so the mornings are less frenzied and your children should be doing that not yon. I'd they are missing something they will get into trouble at school and next time remember.

It just sounds like a very stressful morning all round.

Nice calm family conversation, maybe at dinner, about how can everyone make mornings work better.

Getting stuff together the night before,

Always putting things back in the right place etcetera

How old is the younger child who didn't want to eat? Anything about 6 then actually you can't make a child eat, and they will just be hungry. What exactly did you expect him.to do?

I agree that keeping everything calm in the morning is key. Your DH is clearly a stressy shouter.

Since he ‘doesn’t know what to do’ try giving him a defined role like making all the packed lunches the night before and ensuring kits etc are prepped for younger children.

You need a better routine.
You need to decide who does what in the mornings and the night before - including kids and both parents.

Sounds like a alot of drama and running around like headless chickens!

Sounds like you're soft as fuck and your husband is tired of it.

Kid doesn't eat breakfast? So what, she'll learn when she's hungry before lunch to eat tomorrow, or keep a bowl of fruit by the door and she can pick up a banana on her way out. Why did she need following round the house to make sure she ate?

Teen can't find her French book? Presumably she's at least a term and a bit into secondary school, maybe I would help if it was the first time - but in the main, these are YOUR books, and you need to know where they are, not me.

Get kids to do their bags before bed. Literally last thing. Husband can do packed lunches, pref again before bed as breakfast time seems to be exhausting. The whole thing seems to be a battle when it really doesn't need to be.

Your DH shouldn't be kicking off, shouting and swearing, but equally I think you probably fuss way too much about stuff and it's this that's annoying your DH rather than it being him just not wanting to do his fair share.

A teenager can either find her own French booklet or deal with the consequences at school, for example, and if I was your DH I wouldn't have taken kindly to being told to go and help her find it either. I also wouldn't have coaxed your other child down and given her a banana after she'd kicked off and refused breakfast, and I don't think your DH was being especially unreasonable not to want to do that.

I can see why you want more help but I also think your DH probably resents being ordered to parent the kids the way you think they should be parented and then being undermined when he does it his way.

I don't think this is about him resenting pulling his weight. I think it's about him resenting you asking him to do things that don't (in his eyes) actually need doing in the first place. It doesn't sound as if you're prepared to accept that there might be other acceptable ways of handling situations than the one you've decided is appropriate.