i cant cope, i need help, what do i do?

[Cantfunction25]

I think im going to lose our home. I cant keep on top of it and dont know what to do.

My house is a bombsite, its so bad, i dont know where to start, and i think the council are looking to take it off me. They have left a card that says they need to discuss the tenancy, i dont know what that means, im having a massive anxiety attack and i cant phone them. I think they have seen inside through the windows, or neighbours, outside is ok, no garden, but inside its so full of stuff i dont know where to start. Can they take it for being messy? I dont know what to do.

I work full time to support my kids, all over 16 and out of school, one in college, one in uni, one adult with additional needs who recently lost their job and cant live independently. All at home still. Its just me, I work 60 hours a week nights to support us all. I have a partner but its fairly new and none of this is on him. He doesnt know how bad it is.

All 4 of us (myself and my children) are diagnosed ADHD which doesnt help as we are all terrible with organisation, hyperfixating on anything else, exectutive dysfunction etc. None of us are any good at basic adult tasks, i know it sounds like an exuse but its literally so hard for us to manage these seemingly easy jobs. Its like my brain phsycially stops me from doing tasks i need to do, i get paralysed. I can sit in a spot doing nothing, literally nothing, no tv no noise no phone and my brain will not allow me to move for hours despite knowing what needs doing. The medication i tried didnt help, if anything it made it worse and i never went back to talk about it as i coldnt even make the appointment. I just dont function aside from working. All my ability is taken up at work, its a very stressfull fast pace high pressure job, when im home i have nothing left. I just dont manage.

The rent and bills are up to date, so all i can think of is the state of the house why they have been round, but i just cant sort it, i cant keep on top of it, i cant afford help, i have no support, no family local, no friends.

I feel like i cant breathe, we cant lose our home, but i cant do it, the task is too big, i dont know where to start, or how to start.

Can you hire a cleaner as a one off? You can also hire a professional organiser to handle this urgent situation. Are you still registered with ADHD services? If so would discuss your situation and ask to titrate on something else - if stimulants don't work there are also non-stimulant medications. Good luck

I really don't think they can take the house off you once rent is up to date... maybe they are trying to help and will come up with a plan with you.. can you maybe reach out to your boyfriend or other family members for help with this situation.. is it a hording problem? Also can you call citizens advice for help

Start with a pad and pen, and start making a list, room by room, think and write down every little job, so for example, bathroom - 1:clean toilet, 2:clean sink, 3: clean shower, 4: empty rubbish bin, 5: hoover floor, 6: wash floor. Then do 1 job at a time, and tick it off or put a line through it, if you do a job not on your list, add it to list and then tick it off.
Also putting a timer on like 20 minutes, reward with a coffee.
I suspect I have adhd but have never been tested, but lists are my way of coping, I get so easily overwhelmed, I have to break everything I do down into small manageable tasks. Good luck 😊

Most councils offer help, it's expensive but they will have a team of people who will entirely sort it for a small fortune, a few hundred quid. If you are able to pay for that then great, do it. Then, get yourself a cleaner.

You're not a bad person and they won't want to evict you.

I hear you. Here are some things I find useful. I chop and change because what works one day might not work the next...

There is an app called Tody that might help. It lists all the things that need doing and you can add other things to it (like "take out all cups" or "put rubbish in the bin" or "water the plants") it will put different tasks on different days and you can say how regularly you want to do something and/or assign them to other family members too so that you can take turns doing things or just so you can see what is/isn't getting done regularly and who is/isnt doing their bit.

If that isn't for you, start with the smallest room (eg. hallway) and build momentum from there. Make sure all the shoes are neat and coats hung up and anything that doesn't belong is removed. One room done! Now work through in size order (landing, toilet, bathroom, kitchen, bedrooms, living room etc)

Sometimes when things are crazy, I draw a birds eye map of my living room and number everything (radiators, sofa, cupboard, shelves, floor, dining table etc) and then focus on one area at a time. Take all the clothes off the radiators, pick up anything from the sofa and plump the cushions, take everything off the cupboard and put it away/throw it away...)Much nicer to think "I've ticked off 7 areas today" than "I've done half a room" and that can also help build momentum.

Tell yourself to pickup one thing and put it away. Then tell yourself to pick up 2 things and put them away. Then 3 things. Then 4 things, 5, 6, 7 etc. Get those 6 things in your hands and put them in the right place, then get your 8 things. By the time you have got to 10 things you have dealt with 55 things and the place will look a lot better. If your kids can do it at the same time, then you'll get even more done.

I've also bought 2 big baskets and I chuck everything belonging to DC1 in one and everything belonging to DC2 in the other and ask them to put it away. I say if it is still in the basket at the end of the week then it is going in the bin/to the charity shop (haven't needed to follow through in this yet!)

Just take a deep breath and dial the number on the card and say “I have been left a card to discuss my tenancy”. That’s plus being honest is all you need to do. There will be help available.

Speak to them.

They will not evict you quickly, read your tenancy.

You need to find out what they wish to discuss.

I dont think i can afford a cleaner or cope with the idea of someone i dont know coming into the house while im sleeping or off between shifts. I dont have people i do know in my house at all. I dont work the same 5 nights every week either.

I struggle with lists, i find the process really overwhelming. At work i do rolling lists of the next 3 things that need doing and important things i cant forget, and as i cross something off i add the next item, but it would take me a whole day to list everything in the house. I also dont drive to be able to clear rubbish, and i dont have road access for a skip or anything, my house is set back from the street, it doesnt face or back on to any access points to clear anything. It has a shared rubbish bins area thats a good 4 minute walk from the door and as its shared with all the other houses i cant put alot of stuff out either.

I dont think its hording, as idont actively buy lots of things or keep anything for a reason, its just i cant keep ontop of the stuff in the house. Theres a lot of empty packaging from deliverys, boxes in the living room i have no space to put. The kitchen i find especially hard to keep on top of the dishes for everyone in the house. Laundry too is difficult and piles up. The christmas tree is still up because getting to the box is going to be a nightmare as theres stuff infront of the cupbaord where the boxes are from christmas that i have no place else to put. All 3 kids have bokes in teh hallway that block teh access to that cupbard too. Its just stuff, but i dont actively add to it, it just builds and builds and now i cant clear it

You say you can’t possibly cope with it yourself but also say that you can’t possibly allow anyone to help?

I think you need to do the latter. Sometimes we have to do things we really don’t want to do.

What other suggestions do you have op?

and just and pick up the phone to the council. They aren’t going to rip your head off.

Your kids are adults pretty much! Get them involved. Doesn't matter if you all have ADHD - I have ADHD and I have a cleaner but it's on me and my family to bin stuff and get rid of stuff. You just have to force yourself to do it. Find the dopamine in the task! Give your kids pocket money to do chores. Make a change. For now get a tonne bag delivered and fill it with crap including all the packaging. We use these guys but they'll be loads similar and local to you if not - cheaper and easier than a skip. www.hugheswaste.co.uk/

If you can manage a rolling list at work, can you not do the same at home? You don't need to list EVERYTHING that needs doing as that would overwhelm anyone, but perhaps do three things a day. Even little things like clear the recycling.

I don't know how old your children are but could they not help? You clearly work a lot of hours bless you x

Can you hire a cleaner/orgnaniser? They might need a few visits. Once all that is under control , you could then phone the council to say about the card you received, it could be nothing. As well as this , I'd then get something in place to help keep the house in order , how about a cleaner once a month? It's seems a lot 60 hrs a week and keeping the house in order it's too much for a lot of people!

There are four adults living in this house. Having additional needs doesn’t mean they’re not able to do simple tasks around the house.

Firstly book yourself a slot at your local tip and get all that packaging and anything else that is rubbish in your car and gone.

Get yourself a whiteboard/chalkboard than can be seen in one of the family rooms and have a week rota on it and every day everyone has a different job they must complete.

•unloading dishwasher
•putting a load of washing on
•taking out the bins/recycling
•watering the plants
•getting the bread, milk, eggs from the shop

everyone in your household should be contributing to its running.

Tackle small areas at a time. Start in one room with a plastic bag and start filling it with things that can be put in the bin, another bag with items to take to charity.

Gonna be honest with you and i may get stung for it.
Get a bloody grip get the bin bags out and start to fill them up.
Blast some music and get to work.
Get brutal no checking just bag it and bin it.
If it was so important it wouldn't be laying around.
Put each full bag out side the front door and get someone off Facebook to do a tip run for you.
Room by room get everyone involved if they dont want to help just do it yourself room by room.
Take a break for a coffee and get back to it.
None stop till its done.

Three of your children are capable of being educated so are capable of doing things that are requested of them. Tell (don't ask) them to clear their shit away and take responsibility for a room each.

Agree with this. Local Facebook page for someone to do a tip run. Bin everything. Run a sink of hot water and collect any glasses, mugs, etc. and chuck them in. Ask one of the kids to wash them. Just that one task shouldn't overwhelm them. Any boxes of kids shit, goes in their rooms. Not the hallway.

OK, for now, put your phone down and go and collect all the packaging that is booting around the house annoying you and put it into the recycling. It would be very easy to get distracted by this thread now, but rather than sitting there waiting for responses and suggestions, use this time to sort the packaging. Once that is done, come back on the thread and say "done!" and we'll give you the next task.

@Cantfunction25 At the moment you don't know at all what the council want to discuss about the tenancy. Did the letter through the door say when and how they will contact you, or did it ask you to contact them? It could be something that's nothing to do with the clutter and untidiness.

Is there anything outside the house that would be causing an issue for neighbours, or is there any evidence of mice/rats or similar?

What do you do for a job? I assume you need to be organised to some extent to do this?

Don't list everything in the house, that would be mad. Start with one room at a time. Anything that shouldn't be in that room, dump it outside the room (use your living room boxes if needed). Clean the room.

Look at the things outside the room and dump and rubbish/recycling and put everything to donate to charity in a bag. Continue to next room.

Do the same in the next room, but if there was something from the first room that should be in that room, grab it from the pile outside the room and put it in that room.

Call your local council to collect your rubbish. It's paid but worth it.

Hi OP, you're right that you need some help.
Can you start by asking your partner? True that it's not his problem, but he might be willing to help you out with some practical stuff, and be OK at planning how to do it. If not a partner, do you a family member or friend - anyone - to hold your hand and suggest the next steps?
Basically you first need to get some stuff OUT of the house, to the tip or charity shops or whatever, in order to make enough space to tidy the rest. Once you've got rid of enough stuff, put the rest in neat piles or cardboard boxes if you don't have enough storage space the at moment, then get some soapy water and brushes and clean everything you can see.
This is something you need to do whatever the council are contacting you about, so don't wait to find out.
Good luck.

I have ADHD too. I am very messy, and find it extremely difficult to be organised beyond the functions of my job.

However I say all of this because sometimes I just need to be told to get a grip of myself and deal with the problem I'm spiralling about. So that's what I'm here to say to you:

Get a hold of yourself woman! As PP said, get a roll of bin bags, hand some to each of your kids, and tell them (and yourself) that you need to spend at least 2-3 hours each tidying up. No excuses. Then call the council tomorrow and see what they have to say.

You can do this! Good luck!

I have ADHD so I know firsthand what this paralysis is like.

Forget about the state of the house right now. First job is to speak to the council about the card they've left. Do that right now and don't do anything else until you've attempted to contact the. Until you speak to them you don't know what they want. Once you know, then you can put a plan in place to deal with it.

Second job after calling the council is to get the kids onboard with tidying up. Everyone should be pitching in and should continue to.

Set up a rota if you have to for washing/putting away dishes EVERY day.

The same goes for laundry. Work out if it's best for everyone to do their own, or does someone do a load a day of everyone's. Whatever will work best for your family. Putting a load on includes hanging it out/up to dry when it's finished and sorting out the clean clothes into people piles. Everyone should put away their own clothes.

Everyone in the household should be responsible for their own things (e.g. if they dump it at their backside, they pick it up and put it away), and everyone should be pitching in for shared things, e.g. cleaning the bathroom, laundry, hoovering, washing dishes, etc.

Me and my children have ADHD it is debilitating trying to handle everything, the only tip that works for me is to constantly bin stuff I had a bag with odd socks that was on the floor for years and I had to get realistic with myself so now I just bin anything in the way
I don't think they will be able to take your house but may have concerns about rubbish etc

Do You have family who can help when it gets really bad for me my sisters come and just brutally clear out rooms that I haven't been able to keep on top off which is kinda like a reset