i cant cope, i need help, what do i do?

[Cantfunction25]

I think im going to lose our home. I cant keep on top of it and dont know what to do.

My house is a bombsite, its so bad, i dont know where to start, and i think the council are looking to take it off me. They have left a card that says they need to discuss the tenancy, i dont know what that means, im having a massive anxiety attack and i cant phone them. I think they have seen inside through the windows, or neighbours, outside is ok, no garden, but inside its so full of stuff i dont know where to start. Can they take it for being messy? I dont know what to do.

I work full time to support my kids, all over 16 and out of school, one in college, one in uni, one adult with additional needs who recently lost their job and cant live independently. All at home still. Its just me, I work 60 hours a week nights to support us all. I have a partner but its fairly new and none of this is on him. He doesnt know how bad it is.

All 4 of us (myself and my children) are diagnosed ADHD which doesnt help as we are all terrible with organisation, hyperfixating on anything else, exectutive dysfunction etc. None of us are any good at basic adult tasks, i know it sounds like an exuse but its literally so hard for us to manage these seemingly easy jobs. Its like my brain phsycially stops me from doing tasks i need to do, i get paralysed. I can sit in a spot doing nothing, literally nothing, no tv no noise no phone and my brain will not allow me to move for hours despite knowing what needs doing. The medication i tried didnt help, if anything it made it worse and i never went back to talk about it as i coldnt even make the appointment. I just dont function aside from working. All my ability is taken up at work, its a very stressfull fast pace high pressure job, when im home i have nothing left. I just dont manage.

The rent and bills are up to date, so all i can think of is the state of the house why they have been round, but i just cant sort it, i cant keep on top of it, i cant afford help, i have no support, no family local, no friends.

I feel like i cant breathe, we cant lose our home, but i cant do it, the task is too big, i dont know where to start, or how to start.

If you do nothing else, get all the packaging out of the house. Cardboard can be folded flat and out into recycling, plastic into black bin bag and into communal bin.

Get kids to help. Get this one thing done today then do something to celebrate!

Honestly they won't accept you just saying you have adhd and can't help it. You're going to need to find a way to tackle the house or yes you will lose it .

This. 👍👍👍

I agree with this.

Sometimes you’ve got to just get shit done whether you like it or not and writing mumsnet posts and all the hand wringing isn’t going to get you any nearer to your goal.

Just get stuck in and bin bag everything, find a way to get the tip.

The delivery boxes can easily be got rid of by ripping them up into one box and out for recycling.
Tackle the kitchen first as it'll be a hazard for mould

Thank you for the advice. I have called and its for a home survey to assess if anything needs updating in the future? Its schedualed in for 2 weeks time, i need to try and reduce some shifts over the coming fortnight and get on top of it.

I know i need to do it, and some of the advice here has been helpful for giving me a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

To those saying i was dismissing advice and negetively replying, or wont return. Im not sure if you have ever experienced anxiety, or are aware of how ADHD can spiral, but in the depths of that, rationalising anything is extreemly difficult. All i could see was negatives and road blocks. Its very hard to process what can seem to be a simple rational solution in that head space. I took the time to try work through the anxiety and spiralling before returning to this thread.

Are you going through depression?

@Cantfunction25 oh, that's great news that it's a routine survey and not due to any issues or problems. That must be a big relief for you.

Hopefully some of the advice about how to make a start on tidying and declutterring will be useful anyway.

You say you work all of these hours to support your 4 children yet they’re all over the age of 16.

They could all technically have jobs and be paying towards the house. This aside, ADHD isn’t an excuse for them to not be helping the running of the house and it sounds like you’re doing everything for them.

Get them involved in clearing and tidying the house and into a routine of helping the running of it in daily life.

Theyre never going to grow up and be able to be fully functioning adults if you do everything for them.

What helps my ADHD and ASD family members is having someone with them to keep them on task.

Do you have a mate to ask, or maybe your 24 year old sister could come help? Just sitting in the room, prompting you on the next bit, pulling you back from the many distractions and spirals.

It’s the way we’ve found to best tackle things that feel overwhelming.

I work for a company that does refurb for social housing.

I have never known them to chuck people out, if they are willing to accept help/ work with them.

My team can refer ie to the MH team within the HA. From what I've seen they really do try and help people. All HA will be different I guess!

They probably just want to make sure their asset list is up to date, you may be down for a new kitchen or something.

One is full time in college, one just started uni. Both have part time jobs to buy luxaries. My one in unis first student finance was used to purchase a computer that they needed for the course and we discussed this before hand. My eldest has a lot of additional needs and recently lost their job due to circumstances beyond their control. They are trying to find employment again but it really isnt simple for everybody. My eldest has autisim, adhd, and alot of mental health issues that resulted in hospitalisation late last year. Support is very much required. For all of them. Financial and emotional. I work so much for them, because they still need me to. Yes, they all need to help more in the home, i need to do more in the home too. But life has not be easy for any of us, and unfortunately the house is the ball i dropped while juggling everything. It wasnt like this when they were younger, i managed to juggle better then as there was less to juggle.

Op, just to say that you sound like a great mum. I’m sorry you’re struggling and that some of your children are as well, would a referral to a social worker help any of you?

Do none of the children have a friend that drives?
If someone said 'can you help me take this pile of cardboard etc to the tip and I'll buy you lunch after' I don't know may people who would say no. Good friends might be happy to help if its just shifting stuff.

Why are your adult children not helping?!

Many of us have ADHD; that doesn't preclude doing simple tasks like disposing of trash.

Call adult social services then ask to speak to the enablement team. They wait helped my adult son who is Audhd when thibgs had built up in his flat. No amount of me begging helped him or pushed him and it got wise and wise and he wouldn’t let us help. Got the enablement team involved and they were great and he’s 4 months in from completing a total renovation and his flat is so much cleaner and tidier.

Or can you afford to hire a skip or two and hire in help to declutter? Then employ a weekly cleaner?

This.

If all bills especially rent and council tax are up to date then no they can't take it from you .

You've done the hardest part and admitted your a hoarder and the next stage is down to you .

Plenty of people advertise for help with hoarding . I know this as I do it for folk here.

It needs all selling and or clearing with the right support and stop burying your head and ring the council back or drop them a line via email and say I'm concerned about your cards and my bills are up to date, what's up ? Let them tell you and then work with them.

We have a hoarder locally and she finds it very hard and the garden is like steptoes yard. But noticed slowly as the council go back and forth it's getting clearer.

Think of the children too and my late mum would say cluttered house cluttered mind .

You've got this.

This OP. Sorry but you sound so defeatist?!
Set yourself one task - eg collect 3 boxes and take them out to the bin. Do that once every 20 minutes and in an hours time that's 9 boxes gone. Get a bin bag and tell yourself every time you get a drink you'll put 3 bits of rubbish in it.
When you kids are home gather everyone in one room and say right we are spending 30 min, all of us, clearing rubbish, or we are risking losing our home!!

Even with Adhd it is not impossible to put some rubbish in the bin, that's excuse making.

This, sorry OP.
If everyone with ADHD just lived in a shit tip and accepted it, how would that work? Especially if they professed they couldn’t cope with doing it themselves but also protested that they equally couldn’t cope with somebody coming in to help them.
I truly understand that it’s difficult for you and I’m really not minimising that but you all need to pull your socks up - you can’t live like this. Anybody who is physically abled is capable of putting some rubbish in a bag.

OP, I'm not ignoring the ADHD but you've got a house full of physically fit adults, all this shouldn't be on you to sort and keep sorted. A 4 minute walk to the bins is nothing to a fit late teenager/20 something.

Tell them that you need help and why and do it as a team.

Thank you again for the advice. I am now going to step away from this.

As i said, ADHD contributes to this, not fully responsible. I work 5 12 hour nights a week. Im physically exhausted constantly. Im solely finincially supporting 3 adult sized children for reasons i have tried to give. All have additional needs, one has a lot of additional needs and was hospitilised for their mental health. Two are in education and still need support at 16 at 18. I have ADHD myself which makes me spiral, and struggle to see solutions and complete tasks when completely overwhelmed, i was having an anxiety attack at the time of posting, i was panicking. I felt like i couldnt breathe and my whole life, and that of my children, was about to collapse.

I feel i tried to explain this, maybe poorly, as its hard when you are spiralling. But i tried to explain. Im not staying on a thread to be attacked by people when i already feel like ive failed at basic life tasks because i cant keep on top of everything all the time. Im aware its not a valid excuse to alot of people, i was just trying to outline all the contributing factors to why i have been struggling to manage, and get some advice for what to do, and maybe a little reassurance as i had no one IRL to turn to in that moment.

Just in case you’re still there @Cantfunction25 , how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Just one little task is one less to face.

I hope you can get it sorted, you’ll feel so much better.

Thanks for that link. I have ADHD and get overwhelmed. She is wonderful and as you say so non-judgmental and calm!

Nobody is attacking you. I think people are trying to urge you into trying to find a way to knuckle down and tackle this situation.

This is how I do it, OP, and is the only thing that has ever worked. Its deliberately short and do-able, even on bad days. And it can be done myself-sometimes trying to motivate teenagers to help me out uses the last drop of my energy, and then I feel so bad nothing gets done. I suspect I have ADHD, I am also disabled.

(1) Rubbish taken out every single day-soon becomes automatic. I use a small hook over bin on a lower kitchen cupboard door. A waste bin with a lid-it has changed my life! Just take out the small bag and put outside in black bin (mine is outside my back door so I can literally reach out to it. Also no manky big kitchen smelly bins to lift up and carry or bin juice on the floor. Also means that I've stopped filling up my black bin with 3 or 4 huge bags-you can get loads more into the black bin if you use small bags, I use 1 a day-doesn't have to be a fancy liner, carrier bags are fine.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0B1Q9NCK7?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_fed_asin_title
(2) Recycling taken out every single day-never allow recycling to stay in the house, suddenly you will find surfaces and floor spaces are clear. Straight to the recycling bin. Every day. Even if its just 2 tins or 1 piece of cardboard.
(3) Never waste time thinking about gifting to charity shops- I have to be ruthless about this, but its the only way I have been able to start emptying my house of bags and bags of clothes, shoes, books etc. My local taxi will take up to 20 bags for £8 if i can't fit them in my black bin.
(4) Sink area empty, drained, bleached and surfaces wiped down before bed-waking up to a clean kitchen with everything put away just makes each morning feel doable.
(5) Laundry bag in each bedroom, clothes not allowed on floors-wash and dry each bag before moving to the next one.
Its not perfect, but it seems to hold the chaos at bay. I basically need to see a nearly clear floor and surfaces.