i cant cope, i need help, what do i do?

[Cantfunction25]

I think im going to lose our home. I cant keep on top of it and dont know what to do.

My house is a bombsite, its so bad, i dont know where to start, and i think the council are looking to take it off me. They have left a card that says they need to discuss the tenancy, i dont know what that means, im having a massive anxiety attack and i cant phone them. I think they have seen inside through the windows, or neighbours, outside is ok, no garden, but inside its so full of stuff i dont know where to start. Can they take it for being messy? I dont know what to do.

I work full time to support my kids, all over 16 and out of school, one in college, one in uni, one adult with additional needs who recently lost their job and cant live independently. All at home still. Its just me, I work 60 hours a week nights to support us all. I have a partner but its fairly new and none of this is on him. He doesnt know how bad it is.

All 4 of us (myself and my children) are diagnosed ADHD which doesnt help as we are all terrible with organisation, hyperfixating on anything else, exectutive dysfunction etc. None of us are any good at basic adult tasks, i know it sounds like an exuse but its literally so hard for us to manage these seemingly easy jobs. Its like my brain phsycially stops me from doing tasks i need to do, i get paralysed. I can sit in a spot doing nothing, literally nothing, no tv no noise no phone and my brain will not allow me to move for hours despite knowing what needs doing. The medication i tried didnt help, if anything it made it worse and i never went back to talk about it as i coldnt even make the appointment. I just dont function aside from working. All my ability is taken up at work, its a very stressfull fast pace high pressure job, when im home i have nothing left. I just dont manage.

The rent and bills are up to date, so all i can think of is the state of the house why they have been round, but i just cant sort it, i cant keep on top of it, i cant afford help, i have no support, no family local, no friends.

I feel like i cant breathe, we cant lose our home, but i cant do it, the task is too big, i dont know where to start, or how to start.

Burying your head in the sand will not help, you need to either accept help or with your dc make a plan. Getting rid of boxes, putting away the tree, putting a wash load on l, put away clean laundry, wash up, get rid of rubbish... all achievable by you jointly within an hour or so. Lots of us have adhd and find organisation tough, that includes me but there's a difference between messy (my house) and council might get involved, when you reach that point it's no more excuses. And yes i need to spend at least half of the weekend sorting my mess out so i have sympathy but I've put off some things for months too

You all need to calm down, take a deep breath, and as many as possible of you start to tackle things a room at a time. Have a definite get rid pile, rubbish, old cardboard, anything unused. This can be split into rubbish into bins or to the tip, and stuff to give away/charity. Don’t try and do too much all at once, but sort out a room, get it tidy, get rid of what you have sorted, have a little break, then start on another room. Try and work together and support each other, if you do have other family members you can trust then get them to help. Keep in mind that getting things sorted will be of huge benefit to all of you, in terms of day to day life, health and safety, and just simply feeling in control. There’s lots of good advice from folks in a similar situation. Good luck with it.

I think a lot of people say "just crack on" don't understand what it's like living with adhd. It's well enough saying it but the overwhelm is real and you physically can't do anything because there's SO MANY things that need doing.

I trick myself - if I've been out, I'll come back keep my shoes and clothes on (cause usually I come home and put PJs on - to be fair I work with horses and I'm usually gross when I've been at work!) and do a job.

Look for a cheap shredder for the cardboard - it's so satisfying watching it vanish and you'll end up searching out bits to shred!

If you feel comfortable, PM me your location - I work as a private housekeeper and would genuinely love to give you a hand.

OK your kids might not help with the organising but you can utilise their youth! Get them to walk all the boxes and recycling to the bins!

I often 'manage' a house project but delegate the parts of it. I'll sort things in to piles and then one child puts the rubbish away, one takes the toys in to the playroom and one kid washes all the dirty cups.

The go to the kitchen. There's 4 of you! One washes up, one drys, one sorts all the rubbish and one puts away all the food and other stuff.

You have to try!

Aside from PPs who are just saying 'crack on' there are organisations who can help. My own council offer support for tenants and there are charities that may offer help in your area, this is one I found Lofty Heights they may know of similar close to you.

I know you said it's not hoarding, but it may help you. We all get overwhelmed sometimes 💐

Just list three things in the house and add one more each time you cross something off.

You know how to do this at work, apply the same system at home.

Start tiny, but just start.

Pick a 'hard' OP.

Dealing with this will be hard, it may be stressful and anxiety inducing but it will get the house clear and sort your tenancy.

Or

Don't deal with it. This is also hard, stressful and anxiety inducing - just look at the state you're getting yourself into over a note. This option gets you nowhere.

Pick a hard.

Don't worry about tenancy OP. No anti social behaviour and rent is paid. That's all they care about.

Sorry if you said but do you take ADHD medications and coul that help your life a little?

Get those kids to help. I bet you do all of it. It's not beyond their capacity surely to do a few little jobs.

I would tell Housing when they came round that sometime things are difficult regards cleaning etc and you all have ADHD. Is there some sort of vulnerable tenant support?

Can you clear out stuff you don't need/ use. Makes life less stressful owning less.

Instead of a regular cleaner which I understand you don't want. Can you advertise on FB for someone to do big one off cleans occasionally. Cash in hand.

It’s hard sorting a house out with you and your families issues, it’s even harder if you are evicted.

Can anyone that drives take a couple of car loads to the tip? Packaging is actual rubbish it’s not sentimental. Stuff like that the low hanging fruit, just do that. There is no way you need a show home but you have to do something.

OP don't panic. I think the council has an obligation to make sure accommodation is safe, they may have you down as a hoarder and want to help you reduce clutter. It's not a foregone conclusion that they want you out.

It sounds like you really struggle with planning the cleaning. Grit your teeth and shell out for professional cleaning, or else grit your teeth and follow one of the prescriptions already suggested. Going room by room sounds like a good idea.

And who knows, maybe the council have an affordable decluttering service.

People have given some amazing suggestions to help you which you’ve dismissed as it’s ‘too hard’ for you. At the end of the day you risk losing your home if you don’t sort this out. You know you need to clean and tidy your house.

@Cantfunction25 Hello!

Could you look around the immediate space you are currently in and take all the empty packaging to the recycling bin/bin?

In the kindest way, you are just going to need to knuckle down and get started. If you can't hire a cleaner or go to the dump or get a skip or any of the other suggestions here, you will need to just pick a place to start and go slowly. Even if it starts with breaking down the cardboard for the recycle bin. That's one you CAN do as it's nothing you can procrastinate about. It can go straight in the bin, no debate about keeping anything.

I think this will be a thread where OP doesn't return.

Housing officers tend to be remarkably caring people. They will have helped lots of people in a vast array of circumstances. Unsanitary living conditions and behaviours.- such as hoarding - which are often associate are a breach of tenancy in local authority/housing association homes. That's probably why you've received a letter. However, no one wants to evict you or will seek to do so if you engage with support that's offered. I know several housing officers, all determined to make life better for their customers. They've helped people with clearing and maintaining properties, financial advice and help at crisis point and emergency mental health support at the point of dire need. Please, please reach out to your housing team. They will have seen and helped lots of people struggling as you are and they will go out of their way to support you. You will feel so much better after you've made that first call.

If you watch Youtube videos I can recommend Remi Clog for cleaning motivation.

Remi also has ADHD , works and has 2 small children . She cleans and tidies the normal chaos that this often brings . As she chats all the way through the videos she explains how things can look certain ways , or can be distracting when you have ADHD for example . I dont have ADHD , or indeed any of her circumstances, but I certainly am motivated after watching her videos.

I say all of this with care. You dont want to clean the house, you are here to have someone, anyone, tell you that they cant take your house so you can continue to live in this mess and blame it on ADHD. You are able to work, and at least some of you adult children are able to go to school. So you CAN get shit done, you just dont want to. I have this feeling most of each day, and yet I have to get things done or I will lose my job. So I force myself. Trust, I could sit in silence, doing nothing, for an entire day if I dont force myself. So stop giving yourself (and us) every excuse and just get SOMETHING done. You have been given great advice here, by people like you. You can do it, you just dont want to.

First of all - how bad is it? Are we talking clutter/messy or hoarding/actual biohazards such as waste, mouldy food, pests etc? If it’s the former I highly doubt the council would be too bothered about that and if it’s the latter it may be concern for welfare/fire safety and may well be able to offer you some help that won’t cost the earth. Just give them a call and see what they want. They have no incentive to kick out a family given it’d just make them homeless and would therefore be obligated to rehouse them again.

Here to offer support. You can do this op. ADHD doesn't necessarily help you to do important stuff but it does respond when something is urgent. That kicks you into a different mode where you can get something done.

You don't need to clear away everything - just do something. Make a start. Breathe. Keep breathing. Don't let anxiety overwhelm you.

Do you have a car? If so, stick a couple of boxes in there so that you have some more space in the house. Then can you fill one box with stuff for the Charity shop or bin? If necessary, throw away that Christmas Tree. Better to have to get a new one next year than to be looking for a new flat.

And just start. Clearing one thing - washing and drying up/putting on a load of washing/hanging up some clothes will help and will also give you a dopamine hit to make you feel like doing a bit more.

Aim small. You can aim to do one cleaning job and pack up one box a day to get rid of. Even if you end up removing 3 or 4 small boxes of stuff a week, you will see a difference soon.

Rooting for you.

I love Remi, her voice is so calming.

They maybe want to inspect the property (not whats in it), they may want to offer you an alternate living solution, they may just want to help. The best way to deal with this is rip the band aid off and give them a call. They can then tell you what the visit is about and put your anxiety at bay.

If you do manage to do a big sort out the council will collect it for you.

You can then decide what you are going to do and put a plan in place.

1 Room at a time, or 1 pile at a time, watch Maria Kondo, or even Sort your life out with stacey solomon on iplayer - they have some really great tips for decluttering on a big scale.

But please, get the other people in your house onboard.

You need to contact the Council and find out what they need to discuss and stop panicking. It may be that given the ages of your children they are wanting you to confirm that they are all still at home and you need the size of property you occupy. Do you allow the council in to do repairs, upgrades and safety checks? If not that could be another issue they want to discuss with you but without contacting them you won't know. The mess is another issue and something that either you pay somebody to sort or you use the helpful tips here to sort yourself with help from the kids. I think lots of us could happily sit and do nothing but that's only an option when there is nothing needing to be done. You don't have that option so you need to find a way that works for you.

Hi op, I have a cleaning company and have helped many people like you. You are not alone and are absolutely not the first person to find themselves in this situation. When it gets this bad it requires an enormous amount of effort to do even the smallest task.

I would recommend you reach out for help. There are charities, cleaners, and even good samaritans that would love to help you for free or just a cuppa and a few biscuits! Cleaners may want to take before and after photos for their social media, but it would be just a photo of your sink or toilet. Nothing identifying and I make sure not to include personal photos or anything identifying in the background.

Most importantly, please don't feel ashamed of your situation. It's so much more common than you realise. I've dealt with horders, biohazards, infestations, mould, you name it! People that work in this area don't judge because we've seen it all before and understand perfectly how it gets to this situation.

I would take a few photos if your home and post anonymously on social media asking for help. You'll then know what your options are when you finally feel ready to take the plunge. Good luck to you 💐

I’m not going to offer advice on the state of your house because you’ve had plenty. I have ADHD and little and often helps.

Anyway-we recently had a tenancy check letter, it was just a touch base meeting. Our housing association are doing them because they haven’t been doing them and been told they need to. It’s Citizen just in case you happen to be with the same HA-you can be rest assured it’s just a standard practice meeting and nothing to worry about.

We have lived in our house 13 years and it’s the first one we’ve ever had.

It may.be that neighbours have reported it. Honestly without getting rid of rubbish quickly, your house will smell and attract rodents. And if it's dirty (you won't be hoovering or dusting or even washing you dishes, then you probably aren't washing clothes or bedding as often as you need.

There are things as a tenant you need to be doing, opening windows to prevent mould, reporting issues and having trademan in the house to keep it habitable are some examples.

The post above about coming here for validation is bang on. But in all honesty, that's not right. You just need to get on with it and do the 'too hard' stuff.