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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to think re. ex?

58 replies

Peculiar789 · 21/01/2025 20:08

I was totally besotted by my first boyfriend. He asked me to marry him when I was 18, and we had a very intense romance when we were at Uni together in Wales. I loved him very much, but thought we were too young to get hitched. We subsequently broke up, but it was mainly because he got bored and didn't want to miss out on shagging other girls I think - though he didn't articulate that.
I was completely heartbroken and it took me a long time to get over him. Anyway, fast forward a decade and he got married and had children whilst I focused on my career. We obviously were not in contact after he got married. A decade later I met my husband and had kids, but just after getting married, moved to his area of the UK, and we currently live 20 mins away from each other.
After living in the same area for 12 years, and not having had any contact with each other during this time, I saw him at a local event. I'm not sure if he saw me. Anyway, I'm not sure why but I reached out to him via email letting him know I'd seen him and gave him a brief update on my life, e.g. that I had got married, had kids, and was now living nearby. I wished him well etc. I guess I was expecting that he'd write back giving me an update on his life and that would be the end of it. I'm happily married and don't want us to be in regular contact. I guess deep down I wanted him to know that I had met someone and was happy because he had hurt me in the past.
Anyway, the day after I emailed him, he sent me a reply with his phone number, telling me to call him. That was literally the extent of it, no niceties or update on his life. I have no intention of calling him and have deleted his number. I feel it is unnecessary to have any kind of chat, and I don't want to disrespect my husband or his wife.
AIBU to think that he might be unhappily married or wanting to rekindle things with me - an extra marital affair perhaps? I wouldn't put it past him given his family background. I on the other hand have no interest..

OP posts:
Farmwifefarmlife · 21/01/2025 20:11

If you are so happily married why did you contact him?

BlondeMamaToBe · 21/01/2025 20:13

Leave him in the past.

Largestlegocollectionever · 21/01/2025 20:15

Why reach out to
him if you don’t want to talk? You’re playing with fire and will get burnt.
Does your husband know you emailed him?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2025 20:15

You started it.

2025willbemytime · 21/01/2025 20:16

Seems that you wanted him to tell you he'd been pining for you as maybe you have.

One day I happened to be thinking about my ex on his birthday when I saw him on friends reunited. I sent him happy birthday. He replied asking for my number I gave it to him. He called me. It's a dangerous game.

MsMarch · 21/01/2025 20:18

You started it but he's clearly a wanker. Rude git.

Catza · 21/01/2025 20:24

You clearly do have an interest. Not necessarily wanting to be with him but you very much still hung up on him and have some unresolved issues. Nobody who truly let relationship go would care about their ex knowing they did well after a breakup. What exactly were you planning to achieve with this?

Original poster
Peculiar789 · 21/01/2025 20:45

Largestlegocollectionever · 21/01/2025 20:15

Why reach out to
him if you don’t want to talk? You’re playing with fire and will get burnt.
Does your husband know you emailed him?

Yes, my husband does know. I also told my husband I have no intention of calling him, or want to stay in contact. I think I initially reached out to him as he hurt me badly in the past and he was my first boyfriend. It was such a shock to see him after so long, and the email was a spur of the moment thing. I was however generally hoping he was happy and feel sad that he just gave me his number as it makes me think he is not happy. I realise it was a mistake now to email him initially.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peculiar789 · 21/01/2025 20:48

Catza · 21/01/2025 20:24

You clearly do have an interest. Not necessarily wanting to be with him but you very much still hung up on him and have some unresolved issues. Nobody who truly let relationship go would care about their ex knowing they did well after a breakup. What exactly were you planning to achieve with this?

Yes, I think there are some unresolved issues. I had a messed up childhood, abusive Father, and two unhappy longish relationships with unsuitable men - including the first boyfriend. Luckily I married a lovely kind man though - my soul mate I guess..

OP posts:
Original poster
Peculiar789 · 21/01/2025 20:49

MsMarch · 21/01/2025 20:18

You started it but he's clearly a wanker. Rude git.

Thanks for this. I realise I had a lucky escape actually. His father openly cheated on his mother - so horrid..

OP posts:
Original poster
Peculiar789 · 21/01/2025 20:52

BlondeMamaToBe · 21/01/2025 20:13

Leave him in the past.

Great advice and I have every intention of doing this. In some ways, I feel like I have proper closure now, which sounds ridiculous after so long..

OP posts:
Collette78 · 21/01/2025 20:59

I find it a bit odd you reached out to him after 20 years, I think it would have been different if you bumped into each other at the event and said a quick “Hi” etc, but you’ve purposely gone out of your way to contact him, which suggest unresolved feelings. His response regarding calling may just be his preferred communication style.

I think if you haven’t got over him hurting you 20 years ago then you just need to come to terms with it without expecting some sort of acknowledgement from him about it.

Dabbling in each others lives like that isn’t a good idea…. And given you now live 20 minutes away I think you’ve opened a can of worms.

Greyish2025 · 21/01/2025 21:03

Peculiar789 · 21/01/2025 20:08

I was totally besotted by my first boyfriend. He asked me to marry him when I was 18, and we had a very intense romance when we were at Uni together in Wales. I loved him very much, but thought we were too young to get hitched. We subsequently broke up, but it was mainly because he got bored and didn't want to miss out on shagging other girls I think - though he didn't articulate that.
I was completely heartbroken and it took me a long time to get over him. Anyway, fast forward a decade and he got married and had children whilst I focused on my career. We obviously were not in contact after he got married. A decade later I met my husband and had kids, but just after getting married, moved to his area of the UK, and we currently live 20 mins away from each other.
After living in the same area for 12 years, and not having had any contact with each other during this time, I saw him at a local event. I'm not sure if he saw me. Anyway, I'm not sure why but I reached out to him via email letting him know I'd seen him and gave him a brief update on my life, e.g. that I had got married, had kids, and was now living nearby. I wished him well etc. I guess I was expecting that he'd write back giving me an update on his life and that would be the end of it. I'm happily married and don't want us to be in regular contact. I guess deep down I wanted him to know that I had met someone and was happy because he had hurt me in the past.
Anyway, the day after I emailed him, he sent me a reply with his phone number, telling me to call him. That was literally the extent of it, no niceties or update on his life. I have no intention of calling him and have deleted his number. I feel it is unnecessary to have any kind of chat, and I don't want to disrespect my husband or his wife.
AIBU to think that he might be unhappily married or wanting to rekindle things with me - an extra marital affair perhaps? I wouldn't put it past him given his family background. I on the other hand have no interest..

when did he send the e-mail with the phone number?
I wouldn’t be surprised if you get another e-mail from him when you don’t call him, he will probably try and then draw you back in

Original poster
Peculiar789 · 21/01/2025 21:03

Farmwifefarmlife · 21/01/2025 20:11

If you are so happily married why did you contact him?

I think because he had rejected me in the past, and I wanted him to know that I had met my husband and had kids. He always told me I was mad to focus on my career and living overseas, which I did after we broke up. Before he got engaged, I returned to the UK and he encouraged me to call him and for us to meet up. I didn't at the time due to the way our relationship ended and I went overseas again. He said I would never meet anyone or have kids if I left it too late. In the end, I met my husband aged 38 and we had two girls quickly after getting married.

OP posts:
MyProudHare · 21/01/2025 21:07

Oh come now. You can't claim you only emailed him to update him (and prove you're happy now) and then presume that because he wants to talk on the phone, he's unhappy in his marriage. You're slipping into a fantasy world. You started this interaction, not him.

Endofyear · 21/01/2025 21:09

You made a mistake contacting him and you know it. Don't speculate on why he wants you to call him. Just leave it in the past now.

2025willbemytime · 21/01/2025 21:11

I think the op wants him to know she's happy but is secretly hoping he's been pining for her..

Original poster
Peculiar789 · 21/01/2025 21:11

Greyish2025 · 21/01/2025 21:03

when did he send the e-mail with the phone number?
I wouldn’t be surprised if you get another e-mail from him when you don’t call him, he will probably try and then draw you back in

Show quote history

The day after I sent the email. It was completely unexpected. He may email again, but I'll just delete or tell him not to contact me again. During our time at University after we broke up, he had a habit of popping up in my life every few weeks, so I didn't get a chance to get over him really. H was very hot and cold. My boundaries were terrible then, and I think it was because I was never modelled a healthy relationship as a child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peculiar789 · 21/01/2025 21:16

2025willbemytime · 21/01/2025 21:11

I think the op wants him to know she's happy but is secretly hoping he's been pining for her..

Yes - I think my ego was bruised badly in the past. I genuinely don't want anything to do with him now though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peculiar789 · 21/01/2025 21:20

Endofyear · 21/01/2025 21:09

You made a mistake contacting him and you know it. Don't speculate on why he wants you to call him. Just leave it in the past now.

Yes - good advice. I tend to get fixated on things/issues - suspect ADHD or something..

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 21/01/2025 21:33

This is just one excuse after another.

You messaged him then ran scared when he wanted to talk to you. You'll appear a completely idiot if you tell him to leave you alone when you emailed him first..

Original poster
Peculiar789 · 21/01/2025 21:42

2025willbemytime · 21/01/2025 21:33

This is just one excuse after another.

You messaged him then ran scared when he wanted to talk to you. You'll appear a completely idiot if you tell him to leave you alone when you emailed him first..

Yes - guess I'll probably just ignore then..

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 21/01/2025 21:50

If he contacts you, you email back and say you were just giving him the heads up that you are local and has seen him. Then tell him you want to leave it at that. You will be rejecting him, rather than ghosting.

IPM · 21/01/2025 21:50

You clearly have unresolved problems from your past, but it is NOT his responsibility to resolve them.

I think it's quite odd and very presumptuous to suddenly email an ex boyfriend after 20 years, and tell him all about your life so far, completely unsolicited.

For all you know, his wife could've written the reply and given you her number.

Just leave him be and don't contact any more exes with life updates, unless specifically asked.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 21/01/2025 21:52

I'm not sure why you contacted him, or how you even had an email address for him after 20 years.

I wouldn't read anything into him sending you a number. Some people just prefer to talk rather than email.

You're lucky to have such an understanding husband. I'm not sure I'd be happy with your behaviour. It was a teenage romance 20 years ago, it's sad that you need closure on something that happened when you were so young. Let it go!

If you really need closure you'd be better off having counselling to understand why, rather than contacting a man who's only 'sin' is to have behaved like a teenager, when he was a teenager!.