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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to think re. ex?

58 replies

Peculiar789 · 21/01/2025 20:08

I was totally besotted by my first boyfriend. He asked me to marry him when I was 18, and we had a very intense romance when we were at Uni together in Wales. I loved him very much, but thought we were too young to get hitched. We subsequently broke up, but it was mainly because he got bored and didn't want to miss out on shagging other girls I think - though he didn't articulate that.
I was completely heartbroken and it took me a long time to get over him. Anyway, fast forward a decade and he got married and had children whilst I focused on my career. We obviously were not in contact after he got married. A decade later I met my husband and had kids, but just after getting married, moved to his area of the UK, and we currently live 20 mins away from each other.
After living in the same area for 12 years, and not having had any contact with each other during this time, I saw him at a local event. I'm not sure if he saw me. Anyway, I'm not sure why but I reached out to him via email letting him know I'd seen him and gave him a brief update on my life, e.g. that I had got married, had kids, and was now living nearby. I wished him well etc. I guess I was expecting that he'd write back giving me an update on his life and that would be the end of it. I'm happily married and don't want us to be in regular contact. I guess deep down I wanted him to know that I had met someone and was happy because he had hurt me in the past.
Anyway, the day after I emailed him, he sent me a reply with his phone number, telling me to call him. That was literally the extent of it, no niceties or update on his life. I have no intention of calling him and have deleted his number. I feel it is unnecessary to have any kind of chat, and I don't want to disrespect my husband or his wife.
AIBU to think that he might be unhappily married or wanting to rekindle things with me - an extra marital affair perhaps? I wouldn't put it past him given his family background. I on the other hand have no interest..

OP posts:
Billydavey · 22/01/2025 21:01

Peculiar789 · 22/01/2025 18:57

Ha - no - as I've already explained! Are you male?

Extremely defensive response to someone saying what seems to be a fair conclusion to draw.

you got in touch hoping he’d respond and you shat yourself when he actually wanted to speak.

Billydavey · 22/01/2025 21:03

WilfredsPies · 22/01/2025 20:14

You’re playing with fire here and you are going to get your fingers burnt. AIBU to think that he might be unhappily married or wanting to rekindle things with me - an extra marital affair perhaps? Fucking hell, one sighting from a distance and an inappropriate (as in, should never have been sent) and you’re already wondering whether he wants to have an affair with you? WTF are you playing at here? You are inches away from damaging your marriage here. Is that what you want? If you’re bored or unhappy with your husband then do something about it, but reconnecting with exes is never going to be the solution.

He is very confident (ex-public school) and outwardly charming. My husband and him couldn't be more different Don’t do this. Not even for a second. As soon as you start comparing them, you’re being disloyal. The first time you think of something where the ex is better than your husband, it makes it easier to think of other areas, and takes you a couple of steps closer to fucking your life up.

First things first, get rid of the ex. Personally, I’d email him thanking him for the invite but saying it’s better to leave any friendship between you in the past as you’re both going to be very different people now, and that you’d emailed him during a very self-indulgent wander down memory lane, just to wish him well, and that you’re glad he’s doing well. And then block him. Block him on every single platform you have, because if you ignore him, that temptation to reply, just to show him you’re over him and that you achieved everything you wanted to achieve will always be there.

Then, and this bit is probably more important than the first bit, go and get some counselling. Relate used to do sessions with costs relating to income, and you can go by yourself. You need to look at why you still give a shit about a uni boyfriend and proving that his predictions were wrong. Because the amount of head space that he’s currently occupying is not good. A normal reaction would be ‘Oh my God, I think that’s James, well there’s a blast from the past. He looks like he’s going well, aww, that’s nice. Now what do I fancy for dinner with my lovely husband and our beautiful DDs tonight?’ What is not normal is that urge to prove you’re over him. Because you’ve just announced to him (and to your DH if he’s being honest with himself) that you’re not and that he can still take up room in your thoughts.

Spot on

Billydavey · 22/01/2025 21:04

2025willbemytime · 22/01/2025 21:01

But why? He hears from an ex, clearly not averse to a convo. He's done nothing wrong.

He’s a bloke, he must be a knob somehow…

CluelessAsFuck · 23/01/2025 11:23

Hahaha OMG. I'll just sit back now.

ItGhoul · 23/01/2025 12:42

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Peculiar789 · 23/01/2025 18:02

Unfortunately, an update..
I told him yesterday that my initial contact was a spur of a moment thing, a message for old times sake after seeing him, and that I didn't want to dig up the past any further by speaking/meeting. He contacted my brother today via FB to say that his wife left him last year. My brother doesn't know any details but told him that I was happily married etc.
Anyway, I blocked him last night and he knows he won't hear from me again.
I'm not going to check this thread again, but thank you for various bits of advice. Yes, I feel like I was playing with fire, and I have learned a valuable lesson!

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2025willbemytime · 23/01/2025 18:21

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Poppyseeds79 · 23/01/2025 23:35

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