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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to think re. ex?

58 replies

Peculiar789 · 21/01/2025 20:08

I was totally besotted by my first boyfriend. He asked me to marry him when I was 18, and we had a very intense romance when we were at Uni together in Wales. I loved him very much, but thought we were too young to get hitched. We subsequently broke up, but it was mainly because he got bored and didn't want to miss out on shagging other girls I think - though he didn't articulate that.
I was completely heartbroken and it took me a long time to get over him. Anyway, fast forward a decade and he got married and had children whilst I focused on my career. We obviously were not in contact after he got married. A decade later I met my husband and had kids, but just after getting married, moved to his area of the UK, and we currently live 20 mins away from each other.
After living in the same area for 12 years, and not having had any contact with each other during this time, I saw him at a local event. I'm not sure if he saw me. Anyway, I'm not sure why but I reached out to him via email letting him know I'd seen him and gave him a brief update on my life, e.g. that I had got married, had kids, and was now living nearby. I wished him well etc. I guess I was expecting that he'd write back giving me an update on his life and that would be the end of it. I'm happily married and don't want us to be in regular contact. I guess deep down I wanted him to know that I had met someone and was happy because he had hurt me in the past.
Anyway, the day after I emailed him, he sent me a reply with his phone number, telling me to call him. That was literally the extent of it, no niceties or update on his life. I have no intention of calling him and have deleted his number. I feel it is unnecessary to have any kind of chat, and I don't want to disrespect my husband or his wife.
AIBU to think that he might be unhappily married or wanting to rekindle things with me - an extra marital affair perhaps? I wouldn't put it past him given his family background. I on the other hand have no interest..

OP posts:
Original poster
Peculiar789 · 21/01/2025 22:29

Thanks for everyone's input. I'm going to step away from the thread now as I don't want to give it anymore headspace. I think I probably screwed up by sending my ex an email, but hey ho. Hopefully, I won't hear anything back from him.

OP posts:
EveryOtherNameTaken · 21/01/2025 22:50

He didn't bother responding properly by email letting you know about things in his life, went straight to giving you a number. That's not very friendly.

Original poster
Peculiar789 · 22/01/2025 17:57

Ugh - I didn't think I'd be back here, esp. so soon.
He contacted me today to ask when would be a good time to chat. He also invited my husband and I to dinner, presumably with his wife?
I feel like I've opened a can of worms. I definitely don't want to talk with him or meet up. That would be too weird.
If it is relevant he is mega wealthy, from a posh land owning family. We are not, and our backgrounds couldn't be more different. I can't imagine what we'd have in common. How do I say no, whilst keeping my ego intact? Or do I just ignore his message?

OP posts:
Original poster
Peculiar789 · 22/01/2025 17:59

EveryOtherNameTaken · 21/01/2025 22:50

He didn't bother responding properly by email letting you know about things in his life, went straight to giving you a number. That's not very friendly.

Thanks for your message. This is what I thought too. Now I find it incredibly strange that he's invited us to his home. It's been so long since I last spoke to him. I feel a bit perplexed tbh.

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 22/01/2025 18:01

No, it's not relevant. Why would you think it is?

MarkingBad · 22/01/2025 18:18

Peculiar789 · 22/01/2025 17:57

Ugh - I didn't think I'd be back here, esp. so soon.
He contacted me today to ask when would be a good time to chat. He also invited my husband and I to dinner, presumably with his wife?
I feel like I've opened a can of worms. I definitely don't want to talk with him or meet up. That would be too weird.
If it is relevant he is mega wealthy, from a posh land owning family. We are not, and our backgrounds couldn't be more different. I can't imagine what we'd have in common. How do I say no, whilst keeping my ego intact? Or do I just ignore his message?

You just say you are sorry but you can't go, that contacting him was a mistake and apologise for doing so but you wish him and his family well.

Original poster
Peculiar789 · 22/01/2025 18:42

Yes - I think I need to let him know that contacting him was a mistake. It was, and definitely a spur of the moment decision... He is very confident (ex-public school) and outwardly charming. My husband and him couldn't be more different, but that's why I married him I suppose!

OP posts:
CluelessAsFuck · 22/01/2025 18:45

Well.....isn't that what you wanted by reaching out to him in the first place?

Original poster
Peculiar789 · 22/01/2025 18:57

CluelessAsFuck · 22/01/2025 18:45

Well.....isn't that what you wanted by reaching out to him in the first place?

Ha - no - as I've already explained! Are you male?

OP posts:
sleeptam · 22/01/2025 19:28

You are clearly still besotted with him despite being with your 'soulmate'. My guess is you wanted a reply from him confessing his undying love for you after all these years.. but didn't get one and now you're regretting it. Did your DH not think it was a strange thing for you to do? Confused

27pilates · 22/01/2025 19:30

Ponoka7 · 21/01/2025 21:50

If he contacts you, you email back and say you were just giving him the heads up that you are local and has seen him. Then tell him you want to leave it at that. You will be rejecting him, rather than ghosting.

Just send something like that OP and say you wish him well but are very busy etc etc

UndermyShoeJoe · 22/01/2025 19:36

Sounds like he figured you were interested. He responded. Realised his scared you off. So then a double date invite.

I mean if my ex suddenly emailed me basically bragging I’d think they were off their rocker or fishing around sniffing for a way back in thinking I would be jealous and want a bit of them back.

x2boys · 22/01/2025 19:39

Peculiar789 · 21/01/2025 20:08

I was totally besotted by my first boyfriend. He asked me to marry him when I was 18, and we had a very intense romance when we were at Uni together in Wales. I loved him very much, but thought we were too young to get hitched. We subsequently broke up, but it was mainly because he got bored and didn't want to miss out on shagging other girls I think - though he didn't articulate that.
I was completely heartbroken and it took me a long time to get over him. Anyway, fast forward a decade and he got married and had children whilst I focused on my career. We obviously were not in contact after he got married. A decade later I met my husband and had kids, but just after getting married, moved to his area of the UK, and we currently live 20 mins away from each other.
After living in the same area for 12 years, and not having had any contact with each other during this time, I saw him at a local event. I'm not sure if he saw me. Anyway, I'm not sure why but I reached out to him via email letting him know I'd seen him and gave him a brief update on my life, e.g. that I had got married, had kids, and was now living nearby. I wished him well etc. I guess I was expecting that he'd write back giving me an update on his life and that would be the end of it. I'm happily married and don't want us to be in regular contact. I guess deep down I wanted him to know that I had met someone and was happy because he had hurt me in the past.
Anyway, the day after I emailed him, he sent me a reply with his phone number, telling me to call him. That was literally the extent of it, no niceties or update on his life. I have no intention of calling him and have deleted his number. I feel it is unnecessary to have any kind of chat, and I don't want to disrespect my husband or his wife.
AIBU to think that he might be unhappily married or wanting to rekindle things with me - an extra marital affair perhaps? I wouldn't put it past him given his family background. I on the other hand have no interest..

You're the one who emailed him you no idea what he thinks about this.

sometimesmovingforwards · 22/01/2025 19:43

Peculiar789 · 21/01/2025 21:16

Yes - I think my ego was bruised badly in the past. I genuinely don't want anything to do with him now though.

Show quote history

So why make contact?
The best revenge is good living.

2025willbemytime · 22/01/2025 19:56

Peculiar789 · 22/01/2025 18:57

Ha - no - as I've already explained! Are you male?

Show quote history

WTF

WilfredsPies · 22/01/2025 20:14

You’re playing with fire here and you are going to get your fingers burnt. AIBU to think that he might be unhappily married or wanting to rekindle things with me - an extra marital affair perhaps? Fucking hell, one sighting from a distance and an inappropriate (as in, should never have been sent) and you’re already wondering whether he wants to have an affair with you? WTF are you playing at here? You are inches away from damaging your marriage here. Is that what you want? If you’re bored or unhappy with your husband then do something about it, but reconnecting with exes is never going to be the solution.

He is very confident (ex-public school) and outwardly charming. My husband and him couldn't be more different Don’t do this. Not even for a second. As soon as you start comparing them, you’re being disloyal. The first time you think of something where the ex is better than your husband, it makes it easier to think of other areas, and takes you a couple of steps closer to fucking your life up.

First things first, get rid of the ex. Personally, I’d email him thanking him for the invite but saying it’s better to leave any friendship between you in the past as you’re both going to be very different people now, and that you’d emailed him during a very self-indulgent wander down memory lane, just to wish him well, and that you’re glad he’s doing well. And then block him. Block him on every single platform you have, because if you ignore him, that temptation to reply, just to show him you’re over him and that you achieved everything you wanted to achieve will always be there.

Then, and this bit is probably more important than the first bit, go and get some counselling. Relate used to do sessions with costs relating to income, and you can go by yourself. You need to look at why you still give a shit about a uni boyfriend and proving that his predictions were wrong. Because the amount of head space that he’s currently occupying is not good. A normal reaction would be ‘Oh my God, I think that’s James, well there’s a blast from the past. He looks like he’s going well, aww, that’s nice. Now what do I fancy for dinner with my lovely husband and our beautiful DDs tonight?’ What is not normal is that urge to prove you’re over him. Because you’ve just announced to him (and to your DH if he’s being honest with himself) that you’re not and that he can still take up room in your thoughts.

ThinWomansBrain · 22/01/2025 20:19

So he responded to the email in a way you didn't anticipate - how was he supposed to know what you expected?
If he'd ignored the email you'd have been equally put out.

WilfredsPies · 22/01/2025 20:24

Yes - I think I need to let him know that contacting him was a mistake. It was, and definitely a spur of the moment decision...

You might as well make him a mix tape of break up songs. A bit of No Doubt and some Kelly Clarkson should do it 🙄 Yes, it was a stupid mistake to contact him. And yes, you should shut down any further contact with him. But telling him it was a mistake is a) entering into unnecessary conversation with him and b) telling him that you’re in some emotional quandary about having contact with him and that you know it’s wrong. It needs to be very clear that you don’t need any contact with him because he, and any relationship you had with him, is firmly in the past and there is no room for it, or need for it, in your life.

BrightZebra · 22/01/2025 20:35

You're heading down a very slippery slope!
Block his email, and move on!

Original poster
Peculiar789 · 22/01/2025 20:35

WilfredsPies · 22/01/2025 20:14

You’re playing with fire here and you are going to get your fingers burnt. AIBU to think that he might be unhappily married or wanting to rekindle things with me - an extra marital affair perhaps? Fucking hell, one sighting from a distance and an inappropriate (as in, should never have been sent) and you’re already wondering whether he wants to have an affair with you? WTF are you playing at here? You are inches away from damaging your marriage here. Is that what you want? If you’re bored or unhappy with your husband then do something about it, but reconnecting with exes is never going to be the solution.

He is very confident (ex-public school) and outwardly charming. My husband and him couldn't be more different Don’t do this. Not even for a second. As soon as you start comparing them, you’re being disloyal. The first time you think of something where the ex is better than your husband, it makes it easier to think of other areas, and takes you a couple of steps closer to fucking your life up.

First things first, get rid of the ex. Personally, I’d email him thanking him for the invite but saying it’s better to leave any friendship between you in the past as you’re both going to be very different people now, and that you’d emailed him during a very self-indulgent wander down memory lane, just to wish him well, and that you’re glad he’s doing well. And then block him. Block him on every single platform you have, because if you ignore him, that temptation to reply, just to show him you’re over him and that you achieved everything you wanted to achieve will always be there.

Then, and this bit is probably more important than the first bit, go and get some counselling. Relate used to do sessions with costs relating to income, and you can go by yourself. You need to look at why you still give a shit about a uni boyfriend and proving that his predictions were wrong. Because the amount of head space that he’s currently occupying is not good. A normal reaction would be ‘Oh my God, I think that’s James, well there’s a blast from the past. He looks like he’s going well, aww, that’s nice. Now what do I fancy for dinner with my lovely husband and our beautiful DDs tonight?’ What is not normal is that urge to prove you’re over him. Because you’ve just announced to him (and to your DH if he’s being honest with himself) that you’re not and that he can still take up room in your thoughts.

Oh gosh...hard to read. Thanks for taking the time to write though. I don't agree with everything you wrote, but interesting to see another perspective.
Re. the confident and outwardly charming thing - the fact that my husband isn't these things makes him attractive to me. He has an inner confidence. I can't stand that public school boy type anymore, but in my youth, I was enthralled by it.
Anyway, I've now emailed the ex an appropriate response and blocked him. I'm glad the drama is over.

OP posts:
crockofshite · 22/01/2025 20:51

All the knob had to do was send a polite reply,

.... Lovely to hear from you, glad you are well and enjoying family life, take care .....

TheseCalmSeas · 22/01/2025 20:58

I think you are overthinking the whole thing.

Just say, thanks for the kind offer but I’m happy just to leave the things here and wish you the best.

Done.

Original poster
Peculiar789 · 22/01/2025 20:58

crockofshite · 22/01/2025 20:51

All the knob had to do was send a polite reply,

.... Lovely to hear from you, glad you are well and enjoying family life, take care .....

Ha! Yes - that's what I had hoped to receive - short and sweet.. thanks for pointing that out.
Anyway, leaving the thread now..I struggle to get off Mumsnet sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peculiar789 · 22/01/2025 21:00

TheseCalmSeas · 22/01/2025 20:58

I think you are overthinking the whole thing.

Just say, thanks for the kind offer but I’m happy just to leave the things here and wish you the best.

Done.

This is pretty much what I wrote. Phew..back to normality..

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 22/01/2025 21:01

crockofshite · 22/01/2025 20:51

All the knob had to do was send a polite reply,

.... Lovely to hear from you, glad you are well and enjoying family life, take care .....

But why? He hears from an ex, clearly not averse to a convo. He's done nothing wrong.