To ask about your opinions on a 15 year age gap between kids?

[Hatherleigh]

This, really.!!

11 years between my two and they're great friends. I came home from work today and heard my 12 year old chatting on FaceTime to someone only to realise it was my 23 year old. She occasionally tries to 'parent' him but I've reminded her not to do that, just remain the big sis.

@SlugsWon being available to them possibly helps? If I was distracted by a younger child, I would be less available and they might withdraw. We're a very close knit family unit.

Step brothers, 13 years. Not close in the slightest.

Obviously we did something very wrong somewhere!

We have never expected our two oldest children to babysit or manage their younger sister. Their studies have never been interrupted by their younger sister's needs.
Parents shouldn't rely on their oldest child/ren to take of the younger child/ren.

@mnat I totally understand what you are saying and as a widowed parent of teens we have done similar. However, as they have got older it is more about facilitating them to become more independent, whilst still actively parenting. I have worked with several families where there is a huge age gap and everyone manages to feel included, has 1-2-1 time with their parents and love and accept their younger siblings with no issue (and no expectation of child care etc.).

I would hate to do 'baby' again but other people do and what I am trying to highlight is that for many families often really positive. My much older siblings were amazing when DH died suddenly, we were close when when one parent died following a horrible and dibilating illness, continue to be so now the other parent has end stage dementia and one sibling has a very poor prognosis due to ill health. We are a team and we were growing up, despite the age difference. I cannot think of any way the age difference was detrimental to me growing up, and neither can they. There were other factors outside our control (in your example, this is parents focusing solely on the younger children) but the age difference itself has not been an issue.

15 and 17 years between me and my older half siblings (different mums).

They have resented me since the day I was born and now our dad has died we don't keep in touch. They have a good relationship with each other and so don't need another sibling so to speak. It's sad for me as I don't have other siblings but i was always the one who made the effort anyway, I've given up now.

Tbh the above is probably a lot to do with the toxic blended family dynamic that was going on at the time, and the fact we grew up in different houses. I imagine it's different if there is a healthier relationship between the adults involved. I never felt like I had siblings anyway, I frequently refer to myself as an only child, they were more like cousins to me.

@willstarttomorrow firstly, so sorry for your loss.

But to add, I think for me personally, you must have to spread yourself thinner? To accommodate a variety of ages, and I quite value time to myself, time just DH, my career, as well as family time, and 1:1 time with the kids. I think that would be too much of a struggle for me, as the things I'd have to drop are the things that benefit me, and I think taking that time makes me a happier and better mum. I am speaking for myself here, I accept not everyone is like that.

I know it's not the same, but there is a 15year age gap between my child and my sibling. My sibling adored my child, when both were young. Now they are old (sibling coming up 70, child in their mid 50's) my sibling still thinks the sun shines out of my child.
When our Mum died, child's beloved Nan, I repeated to my sibling that my child had been quite nasty to their (childs) partner. Child had told me this themselves, and I was aware of how cut up about the death child was and saw that as a reaction to their hurt, not excusable, but understandable. My siblings response? "Oh no not xxx, they couldn't be nasty if they tried".

True, they didn't always have to live together, but they did for some years. and sibling always went out of their way to keep in touch with my child when we didn't all live together.

Whether siblings distract parental attention from each other and whether they get along or not long term both depend on thousands of factors, but age difference isn't one of them. Consider if anything about the new baby will detract from the older child with all the small factors in your life, or if the sibling is more likely to ultimately add love. Good luck either way.

Got 2 sisters, 3 and 5 year gaps. Best friends, favourite people in the world.

Absolutely no relationship whatsoever with the ones that came 15+ years after us.

From a purely selfish perspective, I wouldn't do a large age gap again if I had the choice now. I had my first very young and my next 10 years after that and it feels strange still having to navigate the primary schools years with one when the other is about to enter the world of work. It's a long time to be purely a mum, not have any time to myself. Also from a practical perspective, it is hard finding activities both enjoy and are allowed to do when the age gap is that big.

The exams is the main problem area really. The only other downside is if the teen is against it or embarrassed. There was a significant but less big gap between my sibling and myself. The pluses were that both of us got some long quality only child time and that we got on well really well. No downsides, I miss him.

@mnat Totally. It is a different strokes for different folks situation and there is 'no one size fits all'. I friend of mine has just had her 2nd at nearly 49 (youngest is 5) and as I am the same age I could not think of anything worse. But I know she struggled for years to have children and both have been a joyous and welcome suprise and she is embracing it. I am embracing mine being out tonight and able to get themselves home after a hard day at work!

16 years between me and my youngest sister and I have zero in common with her. We don't hate each other but we also are not close, we just can't relate to anything because our childhoods were in different eras and it's hard to make a conversation with her.

My older two were 13 and 15 when ds was born. Firstly the female hormones when I was pregnant and the two teens was mental.
Secondly it is stressful having teens with their emotions and dramas whilst surviving on three hours sleep. It also meant I wasn't able to do as much for them like taxi them round and they couldn't have friends round as easily. But it did make them more independent which was a positive.
I did get a lot of guilt that I wasn’t able to give them as much time and also due to my mat leave and then going part time we didn't have as much money.
They get on great with their little brother though, it's a lovely relationship but I'd say the relationship is more like a very close auntie than siblings.
One definite positive is extra pairs of hands and the babysitting!!

Mine are 17, 16, 10 and 11 months. My teenagers absolutely dote on the baby and get on with him much better than they did with the 10 year old when he was little! There are obviously practical considerations such as house size, the commitment of many more years, additional financial strain etc. only you can answer whether these are doable.

This. I can't think of anything worse!

Being both a young and an older parent, when do you get time for yourself to pursue what you want to do?

I am, and was available, but they need to do their own thing outside of the home. In my experience teens want more independence at that age and begin to pull away. Then they come back. Everyone is different though, your teens may not have wanted as much independence

My daughter and step-daughter are 12 years apart. It's wonderful! They have a super close bond, one is 2 the other 14. Youngest dotes on elder sister, eldest does everything bar the nappies and loves it! She's gets to play and be a kid again ha! She did say the other day that being with us for half the week, with her mum the rest is nice though because she gets a break from the constant hassle of a toddler 😂😂

Twelve years here. They're 30&18 now and get on well. People tend to assume they're half siblings. They aren't but I've lost count of the amount of time that's been dropped into the conversation.

I have two daughters with 14 years in between. They are so close! I love the gap, my eldest adores her little sister.

On the flip side, I have a sister who is 18 months younger than me and we barely speak. I haven't seen her for years and we live in the same town.

It's not all down to age gaps, you can't predict how close your children will be regardless.

It works for us!

I personally wouldn’t plan it, but only because I wouldn’t want any more kids when I had older ones!

13 years between my two. 26/13. They are very close and have a wonderful relationship. It was a bit iffy at first. DD struggled after 13 years of being an only child and DS was a very unsettled baby which was difficult. However, it all passed and here we are.

I hope you pay them for the babysitting and being an extra pair of hands.