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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To continue calling DD by the name I gave her

567 replies

bannsise · 21/01/2025 08:04

My DD is 22, her first name is Isabella, I chose the name as I love it and think it’s very pretty. Since she was little I’d always call her Isabella or Bella, her dad who I wasn’t with called her “Isa” (ee-sa).
As a teen she insisted I didn’t call her Bella, I happily just used Isabella.
Now she is insisting I call her Isa, she says she doesn’t like Isabella, no one apart from me has called her it in 10+ years. She also complains I say it wrong anyway (her dad is European and pronounces it ee-sa-bell-a, I say is-a-bell-a). I replied that I can’t say her name wrong as I picked it!!

AIBU to say I will continue to call her Isabella (with the English pronunciation) and not by Isa as that isn’t the name I chose for her and I don’t like it.

OP posts:
NeedthatFridayfeeling · 21/01/2025 09:59

I'd respect her wishes. We'd call my 8yr old by the shortened version of her name, when she was 6 she asked us not to, to stick to her full name, so we have.

JanuarySnowyDays · 21/01/2025 10:00

ThisOldThang · 21/01/2025 08:37

There are some very odd replies in this thread. What pathetically shallow relationships people must have with their parents, if they'd go low/no contact with a parent just for being 'full named'.

If my in-laws and DH are anything to go by… it’s never “just” and is the tip of very big iceberg.

Drfosters · 21/01/2025 10:00

It’s a bit odd tbh but her choice. I get called all manner of different names from different members of the family and I love that but each to their own.

DalzielOrNoDalzielAndDontPascoe · 21/01/2025 10:00

It does seem a little odd choosing an Italian as a partner to have a baby with, and then being summarily unwilling to embrace the fact that he will obviously have an Italian accent and culture - especially when you also decide to live for an extended time in Italy, where your DC is then born.

Italy and being half-Italian is a huge part of her identity and life experience. Why would you want to deny her the right to embrace that?

Sayshesheshe · 21/01/2025 10:01

My sister asked all to use a different nickname for her name a couple of years ago (in her 30s) so obviously we did, because we respect her and it’s her name.

LizzieSiddal · 21/01/2025 10:01

bannsise · 21/01/2025 08:42

I live in the uk now, but DD was born abroad and I was never able to get her back to the uk with me (as any court would rule she should stay where she is ordinarily resident). I obviously stayed in the same country as her until she was 16. I appreciate “ee-as” is a relatively normal nickname in the country she is from but that’s not what I named her!

Show quote history

So you left her at 16 to move to a different country?

I’d bet my house that she’s quite angry about that decision and that will be quite present in her dealings with you.

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 10:01

Moreinheavenandearth · 21/01/2025 09:55

I think you, as her mother who picked her name, have a special role and you are entitled to call her by her birth name.

That's actually how I feel, too.

Isthismykarma · 21/01/2025 10:03

This is the risk you take when you name your child a name like that. A friend wanted to call her daughter Elizabeth, but when I mentioned she would sort of have to also like Liz Lizzie Izzie Beth Eliza etc she had to think again

Coinkydink · 21/01/2025 10:04

It’s not saying it ‘with an accent’ it’s the pronunciation. Some people pronounce Mhairi as Marie and some as vari. The Germans pronounce Susannah as Suzanne and my cousin gets very irritated when someone says Susannah. If a person who pronounces the name Graham the American pronounciation would you insist on telling them it should be pronounced the way we do in the uk.

This is clearly upsetting her and I suspect you just don’t like it because her dad calls her it. If you continue to do it she will spend less and time with you.

MumonabikeE5 · 21/01/2025 10:05

I can understand your upset but would encourage you to suck it up and accept your daughter’s wishes, it is her name after all .

Strictlymad · 21/01/2025 10:05

If she’s grown up abroad, and the pronunciation is the norm there then you should go with it. How would you feel if you lived in England but had to use an Italian pronunciation?

Nanny0gg · 21/01/2025 10:07

Someone's name is their name, no matter who gave it to them or where it came from.

It's part of their identity

You're being very dismissive and your daughter likely won't put up with it

Fink · 21/01/2025 10:08

She's 22, you're going to have to let go of the fact that you chose her name over two decades ago and accept that it is her name, not yours. The name she wants to be known by isn't offensive or illogical so you seem to be taking a stand just for the sake of asserting your British identity. Is that really more important than your relationship with your daughter?!

FWIW, my daughter also wants to be known by a shortened version of her name which I don't like; I am going through this myself. But I still cannot comprehend where you're coming from.

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 10:08

Over40Overdating · 21/01/2025 09:19

@ChicLilacSeal I can read perfectly well. And I repeat that the daughter is not the one being a twat here.

The cheap seats appear to be fully occupied by people proving why someone might not want to identify with Britishness.

So you don't think that her insulting her mother is being twattish?

BunnyLake · 21/01/2025 10:08

You are absolutely in the wrong. I know because I was like your daughter. I didn't want to be called by my full name by anybody. My mum felt like you as she took it very personally, but she did call me by my preferred diminutive. She got so used to it she never even slipped up over the years. I would have been very pissed off if she had ignored my request and it could have caused real issues.

Put your ego away and call your daughter the name she has the right to be called.

Doloresparton · 21/01/2025 10:09

Yes.
I think in op’s case there’s a lot more going on than just a name pronunciation.
The dd probably feels she was left at 16 and I think is probably punishing her mum on purpose. The op is apparently meant to use a fake accent too.
Absolutely ridiculous.

My parents have always shortened my name and nobody else says it like them.
I wouldn’t choose their version but I’m not going to correct them either.

Hadjab · 21/01/2025 10:09

I changed my name when I was 18, as I was sick of people mispronouncing it. My mum has never called me by the name I changed to. Do I expect her to? Absolutely not. I respect that my mum picked a name for me that had meaning. My mum respects that I got tired of people's laziness.

I think your daughter is being unreasonable, particularly with the pronunciation, which I know seems ironic given what I've just written! It's fine to make other people pronounce it how she wants, but you're right, you gave her the name, so you can hardly mispronounce it. I could be wrong, but is there a touch of the Disney Dad happening here?

Cunningfungus · 21/01/2025 10:11

InWalksBarberalla · 21/01/2025 08:50

It's not putting on a fake accent though. If you met a different woman with that name and pronunciation you'd say it correctly right?

Show quote history

This. She’s not asking you to put on a pseudo Jamaican road-man accent - it’s just a slightly different pronunciation.

Sounds like this is more than just the name and more about her background/father’s culture etc. You really do risk completely alienating her over your own resentments.

mbosnz · 21/01/2025 10:12

It irritates the hell out of me that my mother insists on calling me by my full name, and also my daughter, we far prefer the abbreviated one. It's so rude. If a person makes a preference known for what they want to be called, why the hell wouldn't you use that, regardless of who you are? Why would you think that what you want to call them is more important than what they wish to be called?! It just seems so bloody arrogant to me!

ChicLilacSeal · 21/01/2025 10:12

Isthismykarma · 21/01/2025 10:03

This is the risk you take when you name your child a name like that. A friend wanted to call her daughter Elizabeth, but when I mentioned she would sort of have to also like Liz Lizzie Izzie Beth Eliza etc she had to think again

Exactly. And it's annoying how many beautiful names are ruined by the apparently irresistible human urge to shorten them. I love the names Elizabeth, Victoria, Margaret, Francesca, and Julia, but they'd be Lizzy, Vicky, Peggy, Frannie, and Jules, which don't have quite the same ring!

PigInAHouse · 21/01/2025 10:13

Hadjab · 21/01/2025 10:09

I changed my name when I was 18, as I was sick of people mispronouncing it. My mum has never called me by the name I changed to. Do I expect her to? Absolutely not. I respect that my mum picked a name for me that had meaning. My mum respects that I got tired of people's laziness.

I think your daughter is being unreasonable, particularly with the pronunciation, which I know seems ironic given what I've just written! It's fine to make other people pronounce it how she wants, but you're right, you gave her the name, so you can hardly mispronounce it. I could be wrong, but is there a touch of the Disney Dad happening here?

Edited

Her Dad has apparently had full time care of the child from 16 as her mum moved countries.

SnoopysHoose · 21/01/2025 10:13

OP use the example of the South American George, pronounced hor-hay, would you just ignore that and say George because he's in England?
Your DD lives in Italy, that is how her name is pronounced; where she lives and where you left her.
You come across as incredibly selfish and insensitive.

Original poster
bannsise · 21/01/2025 10:13

Hadjab · 21/01/2025 10:09

I changed my name when I was 18, as I was sick of people mispronouncing it. My mum has never called me by the name I changed to. Do I expect her to? Absolutely not. I respect that my mum picked a name for me that had meaning. My mum respects that I got tired of people's laziness.

I think your daughter is being unreasonable, particularly with the pronunciation, which I know seems ironic given what I've just written! It's fine to make other people pronounce it how she wants, but you're right, you gave her the name, so you can hardly mispronounce it. I could be wrong, but is there a touch of the Disney Dad happening here?

Edited

No no, credit where credit is due, her dad has always been amazing to her and a fantastic dad. The break up was messy and we didn’t co-parent well but I can’t deny that he is an amazing dad to her.

OP posts:
PigInAHouse · 21/01/2025 10:14

Doloresparton · 21/01/2025 10:09

Yes.
I think in op’s case there’s a lot more going on than just a name pronunciation.
The dd probably feels she was left at 16 and I think is probably punishing her mum on purpose. The op is apparently meant to use a fake accent too.
Absolutely ridiculous.

My parents have always shortened my name and nobody else says it like them.
I wouldn’t choose their version but I’m not going to correct them either.

It’s not a ‘fake accent’, it’s just the correct pronunciation of the name in the country and culture that the child lives in.

Busybeemumm · 21/01/2025 10:14

You have her name to her and it's her name now. She can choose how it's pronounced or shortened. You don't like it shorted and she doesn't like how you say her name. This is a You problem. Don't let this be the reason your relationship is affected there are bigger things on the horizon. I'm sure you will want to get to know your grandchildren when/if she has kids of her own. Just respect her wishes.