AIBU to think this isn’t normal? (DP and sensitivity to nail varnish remover)

[WingingItFTM]

Start to think i’m going mad and just wanting to sense check this…

Early evening I removed my nail varnish with nail varnish remover in our bathroom (normal nail varnish and remover - not gels or anything if it makes a difference). The bathroom door was open and the bathroom fan was on.

DP is really cross with me as I was due to give DS (4) a bath about 10 minutes later (in the bathroom obviously!) and he says I’m exposing DS to ‘really dangerous chemicals’ and shouldn’t be using it upstairs near DS’s room anyway’

He won’t let it drop and has been mentioning it on and off for the last hr and a half including;

• sending me screenshots of websites referring to inhalation of high doses of acetone
• telling me to get my ‘stinky fingers away from him
• saying his eyes are stinging every time he walks near me (he wears contacts)

This is one thing in a very long list of things and I don’t want to dripfeed but in and of itself am i being unreasonable?

I know this is really minor but would love to know for my sanity!

YABU - your partner is right, this is really dangerous

YANBU - it is normal to remove nail varnish in a house with a child in it when he is in a neighbouring room

Why? I’ve asked this before and I’ll keep asking. Why isn’t he doing all (or most of) the cleaning if he feels so strongly about all this? What’s his justification?

And does he do his share of domestic labour, generally?

It’s probably worth mentioning that my partner doesn’t ever prepare food for or feed our son.

And why is that?

My soon to be ex husband was like this. Banned bleach/ heavy cleaners. I wasn't allowed perfume or any nice fabric softners etc - only fairy. Turns out it was all just for control and had nothing to do with allergies/ eczema. So I would keep an eye out. Could just be OCD/ anxiety but could also be just to control you.

In an ideal world I guess you could have done it near a cracked window in another room. If he really is that sensitive to it.

The smell isn't pleasant but it's his own issue. He shouldn't be projecting it onto you being a bad parent.

He sounds annoying. But I do know what it's like to live with someone with OCD and BPD and I'd probably end up just adhering to his wishes on something like this. But only because I know the person has MH issues.

In your case I can see it's causing you to reach the end of your rope.

You could say 'well, I won't be doing that again so no need to keep talking about it is there'.
Or you could say 'well, what do you want me to do about it now? You've made yourself perfectly sparkling clear.'

we are also a fairy only house here! - but it could well be that he actually has sensitive skin 🤷‍♀️

I had to stop using nail varnish as I became allergic to the acetone in the remover. Even the nail polish has some effect on me. If it's anywhere near me I cough a lot and need my inhaler.

Not a quick one to answer….

historically I have always done all the cooking. He says he can’t cook. Over the years i’ve tried to get him involved cooking together, trying to get him involved in picking recipes together, even just trying to get him to stay in the kitchen with me so i’m not just by myself while he watches TV. It never worked. He’d do it once and then it would revert back. In the past we used to eat out quite a lot so it wasn’t SO apparent that I was doing it all.

But ultimately I think I just gave up trying.

There is a huge back story I guess about my self esteem and what I felt I deserved that I’m only really looking at now with my therapist.

In terms of our son - the above just followed on naturally from me doing all the cooking normally. And obviously initially I was on maternity leave

I know that I will be told that my behaviour is ‘enabling’ but it’s not really always as simple as that. Plus it’s only recently that i’ve been looking back on everything in a different light

Solution - he funds you 40 quid every 3 weeks, and looks after DS for 2 hours so you can go and get your nails done in the salon :)

Some people are more sensitive to chemicals than others. It would trigger my asthma.
For some reason, human beings tend to universalise their experience. So he probably imagines his sensitivity is universal, in the same way that you are surprised he doesn't experience the acetone/floor cleaner as harmless like you do.

I did see your previous message, I just haven’t had a chance to reply

where to start…

I guess I have always done more than my share of the load but it has increased and increased over time.

He takes our son to Nursery 3 out of the 4 days he attends plus he does all the driving as I don’t drive (and yes, I know mumsnets opinion on people that don’t drive!) although really we don’t drive much. He also takes our son to the hairdresser every 3-4 months.
he also works a 9-5 5 days a week that can require over time (i do 4 days in a similar industry).

Other than that I’m not sure what he does.

If i ever ask if he could pick something else up - maybe do a bath time occasionally, do the extra nursery drop or a pick up, or give our son breakfast - I’m told that i’m lazy, a ‘shirker’, always ‘trying to get out of my responsibilities’, that he ‘isn’t a mug’ and won’t do it.

The honest answer is asking for more help is EXHAUSTING

(and yes i know it’s not ‘help’ when it’s his house/child too)

The more you post OP the more I think he’s just an abusive person. I was leaning towards mental illness at first (like OCD) but it sounds like he just enjoys having any sort of stick to beat you with and it just happened to be the acetone at that moment.

Leave him. Just walk away. Not worth the hassle.

"If i ever ask if he could pick something else up - maybe do a bath time occasionally, do the extra nursery drop or a pick up, or give our son breakfast - I’m told that i’m lazy, a ‘shirker’, always ‘trying to get out of my responsibilities’, that he ‘isn’t a mug’ and won’t do it."

OP he's a control freak & a bully. How the hell could you possibly be a shirker or anything he name calls you to guilt trip you out of asking him for help.

Difficult situation bcos you've been entangled in it all & only now seeing him for who he truly is.

YADNBU

Agree with the PP, the more you post the worse it gets.

What does this prince amongst men bring to your life OP? On the face of it: he’s rude and abusive to you, he insults you, he doesn’t do anything around the house, he questions your parenting whilst doing none himself, he spends time actively trying to control you.

I’m glad you’re in therapy, I hope you can see a way to leave him and be a happier person.

@WingingItFTM he is setting a truly dreadful example to your dc. I sincerely hope they never hear their father verbally abusing their mother, though I suspect they do…

Wow, he is a waste of space OP. There is no point to him at all. A partner should enhance your life, otherwise what's the point.

He's abusive piece of shit and you need to get rid.

Unfortunately our son has heard this. 18 months ago was the first time and i think that was my ‘red line’ moment - obviously now i realise it should have been much before that but at that point it all changed for me.

In my eyes at that moment it went from being a relatively normal relationship to me questioning if it was abusive.

The verbal abuse has happened in front of my son a handful of times since then (obviously once is too many)

In the last 18months I have been processing everything (for 6 months I literally couldn’t do anything, I think I was in shock). Then i’ve been speaking to closest family members and friends, speaking to various charities, organising the therapy through one of these, speaking to solicitors, working out finances - but it is a lot to process and a lot to do when I have so little time to myself as it is.

I know this is a MASSIVE drip feed but I wanted to understand if the acetone itself could actually be real (and it does actually sounds like people really can have sensitivity to it - so that’s on me for not knowing that) - whereas if i’d said all this at the start I’m sure the feedback would have been even less positive than it already has been

Whether he is genuinely sensitive or (as someone else posted) it's ‘another stick to beat me with’ I don’t think i’ll ever know - but I am reassured by the percentages that the AIBU is giving (very high for YANBU) as when I’m constantly told i’m crazy, i now know that the vast majority of people here would think similarly to me on this

I’ve read all your comments. Please read this lazy abusive man.

Leave. Not ‘read’!

His sensitivity is the least of your worries - he likes having you dancing around him, afraid of incurring his wrath, because then he can fuck around doing whatever he wants and you can do all the boring shit jobs. It's literally that simple and I hope you rid yourself of his shitty, love-lacking presence before he ruins you and your son's lives for good.

If i ever ask if he could pick something else up - maybe do a bath time occasionally, do the extra nursery drop or a pick up, or give our son breakfast - I’m told that i’m lazy, a ‘shirker’, always ‘trying to get out of my responsibilities’, that he ‘isn’t a mug’ and won’t do it.

As suspected, he’s a controlling and very abusive cunt. Please excuse my language but he really is.

His list:
5 full days at work
Nursery run three mornings
Occasional haircut

Your list:
4 full days at work
Nursery run one day (on foot)
All cooking
All cleaning (under his self-imposed despotic regime)
All childcare
All laundry
All shopping
Every wake up and bedtime

This is not fair. And again, he is so abusive.

I’ve written these lists out myself before for my own sanity. It doesn’t look dissimilar to what you’ve written

i mean they’re not exactly right - he is quite often around on the weekend.
However, some weekends he says he has to work (which i don’t object to - it’s just that I don’t really get the same acceptance if i ask to work part of a weekend to catch up) and sometimes he just doesn’t get out of bed and I just get on with it (it’s probably around 30% of weekend days that he’s just not around because of one of the above)
The other 70% of the time, when he is around at the weekend, if we decide to go out and do something he’ll make him visible 5 minutes before we have to leave (so getting my son dressed, fed, packing any bags etc. and getting myself ready whilst looking after our son - is on me) and when we arrive back home he immediately disappears again - without fail.
If it’s a weekend day spent at home he might arrive downstairs around 9.30-10 and then will solidly play with our son until I make his lunch - maybe around 12.30. But then he’ll disappear and we probably won’t see him again until our son has 30 mins of tv time late afternoon, which he’ll watch with him, and after that he’ll disappear again

(he is in the house - he just goes upstairs and sleeps or watches tv on his ipad)

In his defence he’s never wanted me to do his laundry - so he has always done that, but I do mine and our son’s

i also do all drs, dentists, (which is a nightmare on public transport) buying sons clothes, kids parties etc.

He also won’t consider doing anything (cleaning, booking appointments, researching stuff etc.) in the evening after our son has gone to bed
he won’t even talk to me about any issues - money or schools or anything
as he says this is his ‘me time’ and he won’t be able to function at work the next day if i stress him out with problems
but the evening is the only time i could talk to him about things but otherwise i’m either at work or looking after our son (and obviously we can’t have - and i don’t think it would be appropriate anyway - a big discussion about something while looking after a 4 yr old).

God he sounds like a nightmare I'm sorry op x

It might be a coincidence but the tasks he does with your child are all public ones, where he gets seen, and probably gets a pat on the back for being a good Dad.

Having read your list and most recent post I honestly believe your life would be much easier and happier in so many ways without him (but I appreciate it’s not that simple).