AIBU to think this isn’t normal? (DP and sensitivity to nail varnish remover)

[WingingItFTM]

Start to think i’m going mad and just wanting to sense check this…

Early evening I removed my nail varnish with nail varnish remover in our bathroom (normal nail varnish and remover - not gels or anything if it makes a difference). The bathroom door was open and the bathroom fan was on.

DP is really cross with me as I was due to give DS (4) a bath about 10 minutes later (in the bathroom obviously!) and he says I’m exposing DS to ‘really dangerous chemicals’ and shouldn’t be using it upstairs near DS’s room anyway’

He won’t let it drop and has been mentioning it on and off for the last hr and a half including;

• sending me screenshots of websites referring to inhalation of high doses of acetone
• telling me to get my ‘stinky fingers away from him
• saying his eyes are stinging every time he walks near me (he wears contacts)

This is one thing in a very long list of things and I don’t want to dripfeed but in and of itself am i being unreasonable?

I know this is really minor but would love to know for my sanity!

YABU - your partner is right, this is really dangerous

YANBU - it is normal to remove nail varnish in a house with a child in it when he is in a neighbouring room

Are you sure it's anxiety he has and it's not abuse.

I think OCD in men often mixes with their socialisation and becomes abusive. I've seen it a lot. They believe they are right and in charge. Add untrue beliefs about the world = abuse and control.

Thank you for your message.
As I mentioned there is more going on, often a bit like this - an element of reasonableness, nothing really extreme (certainly nothing physical) but relentless and tiring all the same.
I am now in therapy (he doesn’t know) and things are making more sense but I was genuinely interested as to whether most people would think i was wrong here about this particular thing
(and yes, i’m well aware that not knowing which way is up, and not being able to trust my own judgment aren’t great signs!)

Thank you for this.
are you able to elaborate further please?
thank you!

That's not great, op.

Really? Proof of this? I haven't seen anything like this in men with OCD (admittedly, I have only known a few, but it just doesn't sound right. Surely it depends on the man?)

I hope your therapy is successful and helpful, op.

And I think your confusion and not knowing which way is up is down to your h, not you.

I frequently have to use my asthma inhaler when dd uses acetone nailpolish remover. She is really good about using it in another room, keeping that door closed, and running the extractor fan the entire time and afterwards. It doesn’t matter. I still have trouble breathing on the other side of the house.

I am basically a canary in a coal mine.

I figure if it hurts me, it’s probably not good for a young child.

I also have a lot of trouble with chemical sensitivity. I do use acetone, but I would always be sensible and use it in a well ventilated space.

I have always been careful with bleach as there is some evidence that it can worsen asthma and other allergies as far as I understand it. I haven't read the research papers, so that is just stuff I've read from folks who report their own experiences.

I remember a friend of mine using acetone on her nails when were in a taxi coming home from Heathrow, following a business trip to the US. We all turned round and saw it and just rolled our eyes. Some people just don't get that that is an inappapriate thing to do.

I think you and your DH probably need to calmly talk together to get to the root of your differing views. I think the key here is to talk to each other.

Thank you, it’s good to get a different personal opinion

neither my partner or son have asthma- though this doesn’t make what you say any less relevant to us

Some folk are much more sensitive to certain smells - I've worked in labs so don't mind the acetone smell but DS and DH can't stand it. I'd certainly not use it in the bathroom shortly before bathing a child.

Thank you, useful to hear personal experiences from those that have a sensitivity

I also agree that using nail varnish remover in the confines of a taxi is unreasonable.
i’ve also been with friends in a pub where one used it which I didn’t think was appropriate (though none of us said anything and it didn’t really bother me) and i’ve also seen it used on a commuter train - again not really appropriate in my opinion

perhaps I do need to be more sensitive to a sensitivity in my partner though i do think his reaction (and previous reactions) is quite extreme

He won’t let it drop and has been mentioning it on and off for the last hr and a half including;

• sending me screenshots of websites referring to inhalation of high doses of acetone
• telling me to get my ‘stinky fingers away from him
• saying his eyes are stinging every time he walks near me (he wears contacts)

This is one thing in a very long list of things and I don’t want to dripfeed but in and of itself am i being unreasonable?

If this behaviour has suddenly appeared there’s something more going on. You say there’s a long list of things? If you’ve washed your hands then there won’t be an acetone smell, I’m not sure how it lingers in the air as some people are more sensitive than others to smells, but he’s being quite rude, there’s a more effective way of saying things and I wouldn’t have put up with this behaviour unless he could have explained himself. As for sending you screenshots he needs to explain himself and if he has a valid reason then fine but it’s passive aggressive not being able to discuss an issue and sending you screenshots.

I suspect this is abuse and control.

I think if your DS hasn't commented on or seemed distressed by the smell, then that suggests that you're sufficiently ventilating the bathroom. If it was just the nail polish remover that your DP is sensitive to, then I would suggest try to not use it around him, but it sounds like he would just find something else to take issue with.

We have been together for over 10 years and he’s always had - what in my view are - quite extreme views to the use of normal cleaning products
what has changed is the way that he speaks to me about it which often now involves him shouting and swearing at me (on this occasion it didn’t, on the floor cleaner occasion - and many others - it did).

other things that have changed over the years relate to money, my physical appearance, my decisions as a mum, household labour, the use of my time.

You don’t mention whether this means he prefers to do the cleaning himself using nothing but salt and old lemon rinds. From your other posts I’m guessing he doesn’t.

This could be either:
He is sensitive to these things and it really aggravates his throat/eyes etc.
Or he is an abusive arsehole.
After reading your last post I’m tending towards the second,
What about your appearance is he criticising?
I had en ex who moaned about the smell of both nail polish and nail polish remover. He also moaned about the smell of my face cream and hand cream. It then progressed to criticising my clothes, my weight ( I was a very toned size 8/10), the length of my hair, what type of underwear I wore, my food choices…….
Yet whenever I turned it back on him he didn’t like it.
Anyway he cried when I told him it was fine, he would never have to tolerate such a fat, unstylish, product smelling woman again as I left him for good.

🤣 no, he definitely doesn’t do the cleaning himself

Some people have sensory sensitivities but that's not the issue here - it's the dynamic between you that is concerning. You say he has always not liked you using some cleaning products - how did the two of you resolve that? Because it sounds like he raises a concern, you ignore it and then he gets increasingly annoyed. Like with the nail polish - you seem to dismiss it out of hand as ridiculous. If that's the case the two of you need to learn how to discuss things and reach a compromise. However, if he raises things, you try to comply but whatever you do isn't good enough and he keeps trying to get you to follow increasingly bizarre and complex instructions then that sounds like abuse. The former will probably need couples therapy, the latter means you need to end the relationship.

I've been married over 40 years.
My dh has never sworn at me.
Which is why we've been married so long.

It’s mumsnet, or course he’s an arse and probably faking it to be abusive

all the women posting that it bothers them too are fine and correct though

Why?

Your partner isn't being remotely normal here. He may indeed, as others have suggested, have OCD or severe anxiety or some other mental health condition, but he needs to acknowledge that and get help instead of insisting that he is in the right and using it to make your life a misery.

My friend's ex-husband had OCD and he also essentially used it to bully the entire family into doing everything his way, all the time, until it completely controlled the lives of my friend and her children, including what they ate, how the children's rooms were arranged etc. He wouldn't accept that he had a problem and just kept insisting he was the rational one while everyone else was wrong.

i would say there is an element of this here - from my perspective anyway, which is obviously to some extent biased

He doesn’t like my son watching certain TV programmes- ‘Bluey’ causes a big issue. He says it makes our son behave badly and blames his occasional tantrums on it. My son loves Bluey but we very rarely watch it anymore.

With food, he has a bug issue with sugar and I get blamed for my son’s behaviour and I get blamed if I’ve given him a digestive or rich tea biscuit within an hour of bedtime which again I feel is over the top but, as one other poster said, maybe I am just disregarding his opinions as ‘ridiculous’. It’s probably worth mentioning that my partner doesn’t ever prepare food for or feed our son.

In answer to the question about cleaning products, it was resolved in as much as I only use the least strong ones - ie on the counters the flash one that has ‘cif’ in it or the ‘method’ ones that are botanical - he still complains about it though every time i use them but i don’t really know what else i can do

I also try and do the cleaning when he isn’t around as much as possible which perhaps could be construed as sneaky but I don’t know what else to do

When I was pregnant he didn’t want me to do any cleaning at all. I said he would need to do it then which he agreed to but then he never ever did