Surely I'm not the only one...

[Sugarspiceandeverythingnice]

I've just had a huge row with my husband because of the way that I dress. I have 4 young kids, ranging from 3 to 10. My husband works full time and is the bread winner in the house. All other life admin and house chores/cooking cleaning for kids and husband I do including school pick ups and drops off etc and all the after school activities. Youngest is also at nursery for half a day so I'm also out at 12 everyday to pick her up. I have very little time for myself in between the cooking the cleaning, shopping and running the household. Husband does nothing when he comes home from work, will play with the kids, eats his dinner and goes off to do his own thing. Even bedtime I do it. I'm usually exhausted by the end of the day.

I also have in laws there are times I will need to take my mother in law for appointments or shopping etc as she doesn't drive.

Last night after putting kids to bed I had to go to mils as she needed a hand with something, which is fine I'm happy to help. Husband was ill and fell asleep at the same time as the kids did. When I came home at half 9, I made the lunches for today, locked up downstairs and came up to bed... Got into pj's (black top with navy floral bottoms) and in bed with a cuppa and DH gets up looks at me and starts going off on one that I'm always in "bin bags", and I'm always "tired". He really went for it, even swore at me. I didn't say a word, got out of bed picked up my tea and got into bed with my daughter and went to sleep. Didn't really speak to him today when he was at work, he did call me and try to have some "jokes", told me to pick some new pyjamas for myself and hell treat me. I didn't humour him, I ignored him really. Hes come home and I told him he's rude and i don't want to talk to him. Hes then gone off on one again, not eaten the dinner I cooked and said he's tried to apologise...when he didnt he called to make jokes but never actually said sorry.

I apologise this has ended up really long. I know I should make more of an effort but really I have a very low libido compared to him and I do get very tired. I'm not fat, I'm a size 10 I do try to look after myself and eat well etc. Surely Im not the only women who feels like this after a long day.

Your husband was being an arsehole.

Is he usually?

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheWayWeWere/comments/uqn5m1/articlefrommthe50ssabouthowwtotreattyour/#lightbox

You have a longer work day and a longer work week than your husband. I would ask him to take a week off then when it comes to Monday disappear all week. Instruct all family not to help him. He needs to see what it takes. You need to rebalance the division too. Just because he’s been earning money doesn’t mean he gets to click off - not with a family that size

Tell him you wouldn't be so exhausted if he actually did something after work other than play a bit with the kids.

He is taking you for granted.

DH gets up looks at me and starts going off on one that I'm always in "bin bags", and I'm always "tired".

Wonder why you're tired when you've got a useless dickhead of a husband who does nothing in the house or for the welfare and care of his children.

Sounds like you've become trapped in some nightmarish unequal 50's housewife scenario. I think I would be getting back to work as soon as possible and make him do his fair share.

Why are you tolerating this?

You do all the domestic work, he's checked out of family life and apparently even his mother outsources labour to you. And he's surprised that you're not jumping into a negligee every night?

Get him to fuck. Seriously. I'd seriously consider the kind of life you're going to have with this man and what kind of message you are sending to your children. Do you work at all? I appreciate with 3 kids under 10 it must be a tall order but you need to have a gameplan for getting back to work and getting out from underneath this arsehole.

Generally he's okay. We have a good relationship. Same level of understanding when it comes to kids etc. He does help out on the weekends when he's not working. Will take the boys to football practice etc and will help with house work if needed. But every now and then he has to moan about the lack of commitment by me in terms of the way I dress to bed and Its not always about the sex to apparently. Not sure what it's about then.

He is a dickhead, you 100% do need more time to yourself but so you can relax, not so you can shop for new pyjamas to please him.

Does he think all other women are getting into bed in slinky satin nightdresses? I do spend time on my appearance (due to slightly older DC and a Husband who actually lifts a finger!) but still I spent yesterday in my baggy fleece PJ bottoms and an old bobbly jumper because it was a cold Sunday in January, I don’t live in a fucking fashion show.

I am so angry on your behalf OP.

Yes I do plan to go back to work once my youngest starts reception in september.

What an arse. I'd be tempted to arrange a night out with your friends, get all dressed up then tell him he's in charge for the evening.

What is surprising about your libido being low when you do all that and the lazy fucker sits and relaxes all evening after his dinner is handed to him?

No idea why you had 4 children with this man. Tell him the only turn on you know of would be him getting off his stinking hole and being a man and a dad!!

How much effort is he making to look attractive and sexy for you, then? I'm going to guess very little.

He shouted and swore at you because, after you've run ragged literally all day looking after HIS kids and HIS house and HIS mother and cooking HIS dinner, you didn't feel like dressing in sexy lingerie and shagging him? Seriously, this man is a piece of absolute shit. I don't care that he's the main breadwinner. He is not entitled to have a go at you because you're tired and he doesn't like your bloody pyjamas.

Pyjamas or not, a man like that would make my fanny snap shut like a bulldog clip.

In our worst argument (close to breaking up for the last year), dh said when we were first dating I’d bought nice nightdresses and looked after myself more. I lost it- hadn’t had a haircut in two years (actually I’d cut my own hair to save money!). Kids had each others hand me downs, my best fitting clothes were two pairs of tracksuit bottoms he’d bought me, the rest didn’t fit except two misshapen skirts I bought about 15 years ago. (Tbf he didn’t buy clothes either!). I said ‘you want me to buy frillies when I aim for whatever fits onto my body every day?’ Men are really eejits when it comes down to that kind of crap- they don’t see that the person they fell in love with looks wise let themselves go because of them- to save money, to help them out in every aspect of their lives. Ridiculous. Hope it improves for you op x

will help with house work if needed.

When is it not needed?! There's always washing, washing up, tidying, wiping down, etc etc to be done. Do you mean if you have only had time to do 95% of it?

I would be incredibly depressed that I'd married an absolutely selfish piece of shit if my dh complained about me being tired or looking unfashionable. Genuinely. It shows A LOT to feel you can say that to someone who does everything for 6 people.

In our house if one of us is looking hanging then the other one is usually offering to do the school run so the other doesn't have to.

He's hugely unreasonable after you do all that! Does he go to bed all dressed up for you?
He sounds a bit of an idiot tbh

This is awful and so hurtful.

I’ve had many a period where I’ve lived in oodies and pyjamas when I’ve not needed to leave the house (I’m not proud of this 🤣) and my husband couldn’t care less.

I would ask him to take a week off work and have the family . Or a long weekend. Because he can then see what you do. Explain your leave notes on how the washing machine works etc and your of for a spar weekend .

Then say after this experiment ..let's have a nice dinner and talk on a way forward.

He will either 1) lie and say it was fine but pay everyone to do it for him

Or 2) say no way

Or 3) say you've proved your point

Please stop doing everything and find some you time. Learn the word no and I'm sure things like MIL apts she can get hospital transport, a bus or taxi or her son take her and remember who you are.

Your h is a male chauvinistic pig with no respect for women.

Only you can set boundaries to change the way you accept disrespect

Hope things change for the better soon

But every now and then he has to moan about the lack of commitment by me in terms of the way I dress to bed and Its not always about the sex to apparently
does he come to bed all well dressed and scrubbed? Or is this dickhead of a man in dirty baggy underpants and an old t shirt? Or something equally normal for most people. Ok maybe not the dirty underpants.
Anyway your pyjamas seem positively elegant compared to the old scrubs that I liberated from work years ago that I wear.

I expect he wanted you to finish helping his mum, make all the kids lunches and then climb into bed in lingerie, fully made up and ready to please him. Does he like Andrew Tate by any chance?

OP, do not imagine for a second that your reaction is unreasonable.

Your DH is an ignorant selfish git. He deserves a right hook to the chin, followed by six weeks cooking his own supper before sleeping in the bath.

How do you put up with him? Or possibly, why do you put up with him?

So.. he fell asleep early then complained you were tired?

Put him in a bin bag.

Apparently if it was a one off then he'd have left it not said anything but apparently it's like this every night. I have a different excuse or I'm always tired in the 13 years weve been married. Apparently everything I do for him is extra I don't need to cook for him if I don't want to if it's such a burden for me hell get himself a takeaway it's no big deal. He's ignoring me not said a word but I'm not bothered right now. I'll sleep in my daughters bed tonight. She wakes up a few times a night anyway so it's easier when I'm next to her. From tomorrow I'll do exactly that he can sort his own breakfast/lunch/dinner. I'll see how long he sulks for but I'm not giving in this time like I always do. I even picked his dinner up and chucked it in front of him after he pushed his plate away he was probably hoping I'd beg him to eat.
I'm not in a position to leave him, I couldn't do that to my kids either they are too close to him regardless of what he's like with me.

YANBU.

I would tell him paying for a cleaner and him dealing with his parents would be much better than buying a pair of pyjamas- especially as Dior/Chanel charge a lot for nightwear.