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Original poster

Surely I'm not the only one...

61 replies

Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 20/01/2025 19:04

I've just had a huge row with my husband because of the way that I dress. I have 4 young kids, ranging from 3 to 10. My husband works full time and is the bread winner in the house. All other life admin and house chores/cooking cleaning for kids and husband I do including school pick ups and drops off etc and all the after school activities. Youngest is also at nursery for half a day so I'm also out at 12 everyday to pick her up. I have very little time for myself in between the cooking the cleaning, shopping and running the household. Husband does nothing when he comes home from work, will play with the kids, eats his dinner and goes off to do his own thing. Even bedtime I do it. I'm usually exhausted by the end of the day.

I also have in laws there are times I will need to take my mother in law for appointments or shopping etc as she doesn't drive.

Last night after putting kids to bed I had to go to mils as she needed a hand with something, which is fine I'm happy to help. Husband was ill and fell asleep at the same time as the kids did. When I came home at half 9, I made the lunches for today, locked up downstairs and came up to bed... Got into pj's (black top with navy floral bottoms) and in bed with a cuppa and DH gets up looks at me and starts going off on one that I'm always in "bin bags", and I'm always "tired". He really went for it, even swore at me. I didn't say a word, got out of bed picked up my tea and got into bed with my daughter and went to sleep. Didn't really speak to him today when he was at work, he did call me and try to have some "jokes", told me to pick some new pyjamas for myself and hell treat me. I didn't humour him, I ignored him really. Hes come home and I told him he's rude and i don't want to talk to him. Hes then gone off on one again, not eaten the dinner I cooked and said he's tried to apologise...when he didnt he called to make jokes but never actually said sorry.

I apologise this has ended up really long. I know I should make more of an effort but really I have a very low libido compared to him and I do get very tired. I'm not fat, I'm a size 10 I do try to look after myself and eat well etc. Surely Im not the only women who feels like this after a long day.

OP posts:
Wonderi · 20/01/2025 20:17

He had a go at you for wearing PJs in bed??

I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything so idiotic in my life!

A woman could wear an actual bin bag and men would still find them attractive.

OP you say you can’t leave him but I would be getting your ducks in a row asap as this sounds like he’s going to leave you soon.

It’s pretty common that when an OW is on the scene, things like this start happening.
He may not be having an affair but he’s definitely had his head turned and he’s annoyed that you are not her.

Hayley1256 · 20/01/2025 20:22

I would buy the mist expensive pj's I could find as it's his treat. Then I would wear little nighties to bed too but still sleep with DD.

Catza · 20/01/2025 20:38

Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 20/01/2025 19:14

Generally he's okay. We have a good relationship. Same level of understanding when it comes to kids etc. He does help out on the weekends when he's not working. Will take the boys to football practice etc and will help with house work if needed. But every now and then he has to moan about the lack of commitment by me in terms of the way I dress to bed and Its not always about the sex to apparently. Not sure what it's about then.

Show quote history

Can we stop with the "helping". He is not helping you. He is cleaning the house the bloody lives in and he is parenting the children he fathered. Don't minimize his responsibilities by calling it "helping" because that makes them optional. They are not!
Of course you have lower libido. Who wants to fuck a guy after washing his pants all weeks and serving him dinner like he is a 5 year old.

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/01/2025 20:42

Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 20/01/2025 20:08

Apparently if it was a one off then he'd have left it not said anything but apparently it's like this every night. I have a different excuse or I'm always tired in the 13 years weve been married. Apparently everything I do for him is extra I don't need to cook for him if I don't want to if it's such a burden for me hell get himself a takeaway it's no big deal. He's ignoring me not said a word but I'm not bothered right now. I'll sleep in my daughters bed tonight. She wakes up a few times a night anyway so it's easier when I'm next to her. From tomorrow I'll do exactly that he can sort his own breakfast/lunch/dinner. I'll see how long he sulks for but I'm not giving in this time like I always do. I even picked his dinner up and chucked it in front of him after he pushed his plate away he was probably hoping I'd beg him to eat.
I'm not in a position to leave him, I couldn't do that to my kids either they are too close to him regardless of what he's like with me.

Just remember that you are showing your daughters what a healthy relationship should look like. Do you want them in similar relationships when they are older? If you have any sons, do you want them to grow up thinking that's how you treat women?

Catza · 20/01/2025 20:46

Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 20/01/2025 20:08

Apparently if it was a one off then he'd have left it not said anything but apparently it's like this every night. I have a different excuse or I'm always tired in the 13 years weve been married. Apparently everything I do for him is extra I don't need to cook for him if I don't want to if it's such a burden for me hell get himself a takeaway it's no big deal. He's ignoring me not said a word but I'm not bothered right now. I'll sleep in my daughters bed tonight. She wakes up a few times a night anyway so it's easier when I'm next to her. From tomorrow I'll do exactly that he can sort his own breakfast/lunch/dinner. I'll see how long he sulks for but I'm not giving in this time like I always do. I even picked his dinner up and chucked it in front of him after he pushed his plate away he was probably hoping I'd beg him to eat.
I'm not in a position to leave him, I couldn't do that to my kids either they are too close to him regardless of what he's like with me.

Your last sentence is a really poor excuse. He does not have to stop being a father when he stops being a partner. Even better, he can have them 50% of the time and you will have ample opportunity to take care of yourself. Just like he wanted.
You also can absolutely afford to leave. Remember that your assets are shared.

FootstepAway · 20/01/2025 22:44

So... He thinks you're exhausted TO ANNOY HIM?

Please don't do any of his washing, cooking or cleaning, organising his appointments, presents... and he needs to do 50% of bed times, wake-ups, breakfasts etc. You know, the times when you're doing stuff unnecessarily purely for the purpose of tiring yourself out to annoy him.

Or does he have a better solution for you being tired? I'd genuinely love to hear it.

Original poster
Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 21/01/2025 17:58

We've not spoken at all today. I didn't give him breakfast this morning and no packed lunch either. And he's come home this evening and I've not cooked. Kids and me ate before they went to their clubs at 5.
He's gone straight back out again so I'm guessing it's to get himself some food or gone to his mums to eat. I also haven't bothered with mil all day. Feel abit shit as I've never done that to him before but I think I need to start standing my ground abit

OP posts:
BourbonsAreOverated · 21/01/2025 18:03

The thing that struck me was
“he’ll get himself a takeaway”
not get you all one, not try and lighten your load but only sort himself out

he doesn’t see himself as part of the family does he

FOJN · 21/01/2025 18:11

OK stop giving him the silent treatment, he's behaved like a dick but it won't help.

You need to tell him what you will no longer do in order to make time for yourself. I would relinquish all responsibility for your MIL, it's not your fault she can't drive and you have 4 children to look after. Not doing his breakfast is another reasonable thing to drop. Add other things to the list as you see fit and tell you won't tolerate him insulting your appearance.

He's taking you for granted, making his life a little less comfortable might teach him to appreciate you more.

BobbyBiscuits · 21/01/2025 18:14

Tell him he needs to wear budgie smugglers, get a six pack, and a penis extension if you're talking about personal physical improvement?!

Original poster
Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 21/01/2025 18:26

Well he's just walked in with a take out for one. Didn't even ask and is sitting there all smug. Eating away. Hope he chokes on it. 😡

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 21/01/2025 18:27

My husband works full-time, and I work a few hours per week and we have a son. My husband has never expected me to do the parenting, bedtime, school runs, helping with homework, cooking, cleaning, laundry and admin all myself. Yes, I may do the majority, as I only work a few hours a week but he helps. He doesn't come home from work, eat dinner and sit on his arse all evening, whilst I run around. You need a conversation with your husband, so that he starts taking some responsibility from you. Family life still happens and exists when he comes home, it doesn't stop. I understand he was unwell, so therefore you went to help your MIL. However, she's HIS Mum, not yours, and as much as you don't mind helping her, again he needs to take some responsibility there too!! Perhaps if you weren't so tired by the end of the day, you might feel a bit more inclined to be intimate with him!! How many Mum's with young children, rush off to slip into their sexy lingerie??!!! It's more like fleecy, comfortable pyjamas!!

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/01/2025 18:27

Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 21/01/2025 17:58

We've not spoken at all today. I didn't give him breakfast this morning and no packed lunch either. And he's come home this evening and I've not cooked. Kids and me ate before they went to their clubs at 5.
He's gone straight back out again so I'm guessing it's to get himself some food or gone to his mums to eat. I also haven't bothered with mil all day. Feel abit shit as I've never done that to him before but I think I need to start standing my ground abit

Done what to him? He's a grown man. Possibly running to his mummy to be fed is pathetic.

TomatoSandwiches · 21/01/2025 19:27

You really do need to leave him op and in the meantime stop doing anything for him, washing, cooking, anything for his mother.

The man is a misogynistic piece of shit.

seelookhearboo · 21/01/2025 19:47

Ew buy him a sex doll.

Hankunamatata · 21/01/2025 19:59

Well he has behaved appalling. Having young kids is like being in the trenches esp when he with the big important job doesn't help at all.

Did he not realise 4 kids close ish together would be hard work? That you would be tired.

ChristmasGrinch24 · 21/01/2025 20:02

Instant ick.
Why doesn't he make a effort and learn some bloody manners.

Shoemadlady · 21/01/2025 20:21

He's massively taking you for granted. If he supported you more maybe your libido would recover but he's treating you like a skivvy. You're letting him by keeping schtum.

2025willbemytime · 21/01/2025 20:23

IT IS NOT HELPING OUT. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB. HE IS THEIR FATHER.

Serious conversation time.

AwaitingFreedom · 21/01/2025 20:25

Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 21/01/2025 18:26

Well he's just walked in with a take out for one. Didn't even ask and is sitting there all smug. Eating away. Hope he chokes on it. 😡

So he's not trying to support you, or ease your workload. He just wants to rub it in that he can survive without you but you still need him (money). He's forgotten (or doesn't care) that the only real reason you need him is because of your joint children.

It's time to make a plan. First is to get a job, then the next is to leave. In the meantime stop helping him clean his dirty pants, or helping him to eat, or helping him look like a kind and supportive son to MIL. He's made it plain - your loving relationship is over.

JHound · 21/01/2025 20:27

Another day, another thread on MN making me feel ever so content with my single status!

Soonenough · 21/01/2025 20:28

God . Aren't some men just shallow bastards 🙄

Barney16 · 21/01/2025 20:31

God, the bar is low. It's not 1957 for god's sake. Go back to work, secure your future and then decide if you want to be dragged down by such an arse.

PigInADuvet · 21/01/2025 20:34

I hope you're not planning on doing his laundry either. Or buying his shower gel/deodorant etc. Or booking his car MOT. Or any of the other many things you undoubtedly do either.

He's an arsehole. I know you said you can't leave him because of the kids but by allowing this to continue, you're teaching any boys you have that it's OK to treat a partner like this, and any girls that it's an acceptable way to be treated.

Coriol · 21/01/2025 20:35

JHound · 21/01/2025 20:27

Another day, another thread on MN making me feel ever so content with my single status!

Edited

Well, it also makes me content with my FT job, decent DH, and lack of economic dependence on a pig.

OP, this sounds like a wake-up call — to buy yourself a sexy negligee and slink about making come hit her eyes at your DH? No. Obviously. To get back to work, make yourself economically independent, make your husband do precisely 50% of the household grunt-work, dropoffs and pickups, cooking, childcare etc. Or ditch him for someone who appreciates you.