Weekends away without partner - OK or not?

[HennyPenny42]

My partner is never very enthusiastic about going away/holidays. He does normally like them (ish) when he’s there and in retrospect too - but the planning and pre-holiday part he hates and is never keen, let alone enthusiastic, about the idea. And it’s not just all the admin that needs doing to book a trip that he hates, it’s the actual idea of being away itself. He struggles with anxiety and depression so I think he finds the whole thing very stressful. I normally find and book everything but doing so can be a bit of a a slog because I try to make sure he’s happy with what I pick but every choice is ultimately met with negativity, without an alternative being suggested.
Some friends of our recently suggested we go to London together - museums with kids, that kind of thing. I asked him about it and he said he didn’t want to go. Which I totally get, London isn’t everyone’s cup of tea (although I love it).
I then suggested that I take our dd and go without him, he can have a chilled weekend at home and me and dd can go to London.
He’s gotten really upset about it and said that I think he’s expendable and that it’s not important to me whether he’s there or not. I feel like I’m just giving him the opportunity to opt out of something he doesn’t want to do, while not missing out myself. He says we should try to plan something with our friends that everything wants to do (but didn’t have any ideas as to what he might like to do as an alternative). I feel like maybe we could try and find an alternative this time if our friends are up for it, but in the future I would also like to go away to places he doesn’t fancy going to without dragging him along - but he says although he often doesn’t want to go it would make him really sad to be left at home alone. Me personally, I’d love a weekend at home to myself and feel I’d be happy to let him and dd go off, with or without friends, if it was something I wasn’t keen on - so I’m finding hard to empathise.
I’m talking the odd weekend here not like our main family holiday.
Am I being harsh in suggesting he doesn’t come? Do you ever go away without your partner - beyond a ‘girls (or guys) holiday’?
P.S. I know this is very first world problems - just want to get some perspective!

It’s one thing for him not to want to go. It’s different for him to control whether you go or not. Yes he is expendable. Everyone is.

God this sounds exhausting. You're right. He's very, very welcome to come with you and you'd all enjoy it if he did but he's said he doesn't want to, so it's perfectly fine to go without him. You and your DD can't be expected to sit at home only doing things he's interested in. Your DD will miss out and so will you.

You need to explain to him that it’s his choice not to come, but that it would be good for your child to go, therefore you are going. He can either come or stay on his own

likewise you need to reiterate how his actions are making you feel about going away, ie he doesn’t want to, you do, why should you stay at home to appease him but he won’t compromise and go

That would really annoy me. He can't complain about everything you do, then complain when you want to go without him. It sounds like there is no pleasing the man, so why the hell should you keep bending over backwards trying to. Go without him and ignore any tantrums!

What a whiney little child.

I go away two/three times a year without my DP!

Just go, maybe in future he'll be more enthusiastic about going away.

Yanbu
He’s behaving very selfishly which is often how depressed people behave.
It sounds painful living with him and missing out on adventures because of his self absorption. It’s fine not to enjoy going away but ruining it for you and your dd is out of order.
Him staying at home and doing as he pleases is the obvious answer. It’s not your fault that he doesn’t know what makes him happy but he could spend some time finding out when you and dd go away for the weekend.

If the plan with your friends is a day in London to see museum, you shouldn't change the plan just to accommodate him. Either he comes or doesn't, it's up to him but he can't sulk like a child about being left home.

It's probably time he learns that the world doesn't revolve around him. I wouldn't tolerate the negativity about the holidays either. You can alternate between holidays that are more to your taste and some more to his if they are that different, but he actually has to participate to the planning.

Outrageous on his part!

I used to take DS away without DH. Sometimes he came to join us after a few days, sometimes he didn't. DH also used to take DS away without me - bliss.

I also go away and leave them both at home a few times a year, and now DS is older he also has weekends elsewhere without us.

But we do have a main holiday together and DS usually chooses to come too

Your DS is unreasonable.

Explain to your DH that he's very welcome and very much wanted but if he's not going to want to come with you and the kids you are going to take them. He can make his own mind up and join you if he wishes.

My DH goes away for 3 days each year with BIL and FIL so it's absolutely fine for you to go!

Ah seriously I wouldn't be dealing with this dog in a manger stuff. Totally fine for you to go without him particularly if you know it's not his cup of tea.

He's an arse. Why should you and DC miss out on something just because he doesn't want to do it. I've had quite a few trips without DH. There is nothing wrong with it at all.

Yes, go away without him (and don’t feel guilty).

Also, you’re not going without him, he’s has the option of going, and if he decides not to go, that’s his decesion not yours.

Also, if he hates planning holidays, then it’s unlikely you’ll find anything that suits you all, as he’ll always find something negative to say about the destination/plans.

Go and enjoy yourself. Life is short.

My ex was exactly like that and it was exhausting. I lasted 6 years and left him to his own devices. Yes, it's absolutely fine to go away by yourself. He can be miserable at home or he can actually do something to change the situation.

He can’t have it all ways! He may not want to go, but don’t let him stop you going! He’s being very babyish about it. Have a great time! 😊

Of course it’s OK.

I would suggest to him that he researches and suggests some where you can all go next year which he would be happy with. Just don’t hold your breath while you’re waiting.

He’s being ridiculous.

my DH finds long haul stressful, but again enjoys it when he gets there. He’d much rather go to France and self cater (which I enjoy too, but it’s me catering!)

We alternate and he’s fine with that. If he wasn’t we’d just go without him. Why should one person in a partnership dictate things?

He sounds controlling and unpleasant. Yes, you should definitely go & have a fabulous time.

My OH and I frequently have weekends away apart - we have separate friends and social lives, we don't live in each other's pockets. In a mature relationship you should be able to take time apart.

I'm probably a little more like your partner, in that I find the prospect of holidays a bit anxiety inducing, depending what's involved.

For our main family holidays etc, I usually do most of the planning, as I'd rather feel a bit more in control, and I know myself well enough to know that I'll be glad once we're away.

There are weekend things with my husband's family etc. that I don't want to do, but I'm more than happy for him to go and take our son. I get some chilled time at home, they don't miss out - total win win.

I'd say your partner can feel like he doesn't want to join in, that's fine, but he can't then make a fuss about you going and shouldn't stand in the way of you enjoying yourself.

He sounds like a big baby. I go away multiple times per year without my OH and he has absolutely no problem with it. He does the same. Sometimes i take the kids, sometimes i leave them behind with OH. This is how healthy relationships work.

I had to have a fairly stern conversation with DH a few years ago about this kind of thing. We got to a point where he didn't want to do anything other than one activity in the evenings, didn't ever have ideas about places to go or things to do, or actually want to go anywhere I suggested, but got sniffy, grumpy, passive aggressive or prone to acts of sabotage if I planned anything that didn't involve him.

Different story during periods where he did have other interests or options though, basically it boiled down to it being fine for him to plan activities that didn't involve me, but not okay for me to plan activities that didn't revolve around him.

I told him I was not going to be restricted to one interest that he got to decide on, if he didn't have anyone to do said hobby with he'd need to work on developing some new contacts/friendships, it wasn't my job to do it for him. Friendships need to be maintained - it wasn't my job to do that for him either. I pointed out the times he'd been perfectly happy to go off and do things on his own, pointed out a pattern of him losing interest in things periodically and blaming the things rather than looking inwards/reflecting, and explained that I wasn't intending to stop spending time with him but it wasn't fair to expect me to never spend time anywhere else or with anyone else. Oh, and if I said I was going out for the afternoon with a friend I would not spend the whole time clockwatching, and texting me now and then saying 'shall I put the kettle on?' was not a kind offer, it was a way of asking if I was coming home yet so we wouldn't be doing that any more either.

It's even more the case now that DS is in the picture and I'm glad I haven't had to spell out to him that I will not have DS restricted to only ever doing things DH likes. A couple of years ago I was working insanely long hours and DH and DS signed up for a new sport hobby I couldn't join in with. Fine. Last year DS and I went away for a couple of days and spent all our time either on the beach, in the sea, or riding on steam trains - DH would rather have gouged his eyes out with a spoon but DS and I had a great time 😆

There's something very emotionally immature about anyone who can't understand that their preferences and experience of the world are not The Rules and do not take precedence over everyone else's.

Of course its ok to go on your own with DD if he does not want to go.

Me and my DH have weekends/nights away from each other at least a few times a year and the other enjoys the quiet and peaceful house.

He had a choice and said he did not want to go which is fine but why should you and DD miss out

I've taken dd back to UK many times to see my family without dh. He was glad of the peace and quiet I think. I also go away a couple of times a year with my friends and he does similar. If it's affordable to the family this should not be a issue and is quite normal. Your dh seems to have the option to come - if he doesn't want to come, then fair enough, but he shouldn't stop you.

He's being ridiculous. Weekends away without your partner, with or without DC are completely normal.