Weekends away without partner - OK or not?

[HennyPenny42]

My partner is never very enthusiastic about going away/holidays. He does normally like them (ish) when he’s there and in retrospect too - but the planning and pre-holiday part he hates and is never keen, let alone enthusiastic, about the idea. And it’s not just all the admin that needs doing to book a trip that he hates, it’s the actual idea of being away itself. He struggles with anxiety and depression so I think he finds the whole thing very stressful. I normally find and book everything but doing so can be a bit of a a slog because I try to make sure he’s happy with what I pick but every choice is ultimately met with negativity, without an alternative being suggested.
Some friends of our recently suggested we go to London together - museums with kids, that kind of thing. I asked him about it and he said he didn’t want to go. Which I totally get, London isn’t everyone’s cup of tea (although I love it).
I then suggested that I take our dd and go without him, he can have a chilled weekend at home and me and dd can go to London.
He’s gotten really upset about it and said that I think he’s expendable and that it’s not important to me whether he’s there or not. I feel like I’m just giving him the opportunity to opt out of something he doesn’t want to do, while not missing out myself. He says we should try to plan something with our friends that everything wants to do (but didn’t have any ideas as to what he might like to do as an alternative). I feel like maybe we could try and find an alternative this time if our friends are up for it, but in the future I would also like to go away to places he doesn’t fancy going to without dragging him along - but he says although he often doesn’t want to go it would make him really sad to be left at home alone. Me personally, I’d love a weekend at home to myself and feel I’d be happy to let him and dd go off, with or without friends, if it was something I wasn’t keen on - so I’m finding hard to empathise.
I’m talking the odd weekend here not like our main family holiday.
Am I being harsh in suggesting he doesn’t come? Do you ever go away without your partner - beyond a ‘girls (or guys) holiday’?
P.S. I know this is very first world problems - just want to get some perspective!

I’d never go away without my DH and he’d never go away without me. We miss each other when one of us has to work late.

That said most people I know I know do it. So definitely OK as a general rule.

He’s being an arse. He doesn’t want to go, but also wants to stop you having a good time. That’s too controlling for me.

my DH doesn’t love London. He’s been with us before but would rather not. In the last few years the dds and I have been without him 3 times. He’d never dream of stopping us and acknowledges that just because he’d rather not doesn’t mean we shouldn’t.

couldn’t put up with it if he was like your DH.

He's ridiculous, he either wants to go or he doesn’t. And no the women and children should not have to come up with ideas of things he wants to do instead.

I would go with kids and suggest he think of something to do next time.

Weekends away now and again just you or you and kids or you and mates are great. You will come back having had a wonderful time and like you’ve had a reset.
Enough has been said about your husband - forget him - you just need to do this with DD. You will love it.

So if he won't go to London and you're not allowed to go without him, you and your dc just can't ever go?! Does he realise how unbelievably selfish he's being?

He’s being silly and controlling. Dh and I go away without the other (with/without dc) several times a year. He took one dc to France for 2 weeks over the summer. I took them to Spain and Italy alone. We also both just go away for ourselves. He’ll go do something with BIL. I went on a walking holiday in Europe for 10 days. It’s weird to always do everything together. And he can’t expect you to never live life because he’d rather sit at home.

He sounds remarkably tedious. He doesn't want to go, but doesn't want not to go either. He needs to pick a lane.
DH and I have regularly taken the infants away for weekends (or longer) without each other - most often, it's me taking the boys to my parents for a weekend. DH and my family get on very well, but not surprisingly, I want to spend more time with them than he does, so I take our sons, he does his own thing, everyone's happy.

Yes it's normal. In fact I would say it's important going forward for you to do this to show your daughter that her choices do not have to be circumscribed by what a male partner wants to do. Same goes for trips by yourself that he's not interested in. Me and DH both do this.

Not harsh at all. Just go and enjoy yourself with your DD. I sometimes take the children away on a mini break without DH, who’s perfectly content to stay at home. I think your partner’s behaviour is challenging. That’s a lot of “life admin” and “managing” you are doing for a grown man. I’d try and set some boundaries with him and don’t let him guilt trip you about this, that and the other. All the best. X

Of course it's OK! I've been doing it for 30+ years - as has my partner. In fact, why not make it a week?
Couples aren't joined at the hip - time apart is healthy.

I agree. And vice versa - DH has taken our sons skiing. I don't loathe it, but I don't enjoy it particularly, so I saved us a fair few quid and happily stayed at home, I waved them off cheerfully.

Heck yes! DH and I have regularly taken one or both of our children away without each other. We've also done holidays with children and one parent.

The parent who stays at home can do exactly what they want, which personally, I love! I eat what I want, see friends, and I only have to consider the dog's needs, which is fine, as we both enjoy a good walk.

What a bloody crybaby. So he doesn't want to go but he doesn't want to be left behind either? He can't have it both ways.

Yes it's fine to go on trips without your partner, healthy even. I go on a few long weekends a year without my husband, either alone or with friends. He's secure enough in our marriage to not take it as a personal slight that I have a life outside of his orbit 🙄

When he says that you are leaving him, say you aren’t, he is choosing not to come and he is very welcome to attend.

if he starts again on planning something else that he likes, say great, next weekend away with the Jones, you can plan where we go, but this trip is London.

shut down the complaining and done engage any further.

This op. How fucking selfish is he. He doesn't want to so nobody gets to. Is he generally selfish?

ive been taking my children away alone since they were babies as i get far more holiday than dp. Dp has taken them away abroad when my holiday didnt match theirs.

I take my DC away if my partner isn’t fussed/doesn’t have the annual leave/to see my family. He doesn’t mind and I’d love it if he did it too. I don’t think it’s fair for him to expect you and DC to miss out

He sounds insufferable. Leave him at home.

He sounds like the perfect blend of lazy AND controlling. What a prince. Why should your daughter miss out on a lovely weekend in London with friends having new experiences because he's a man child?

but he says although he often doesn’t want to go it would make him really sad to be left at home alone

Boo hoo. So he doesn't want to do things and that means you and dc must be sat around at home waiting kn him? Bollocks to that. Reasonable if you were off wcery weekend or making zero effort to do things he likes, but completely unreasonable when he can't be assed and whines a lot and just wants to be home all the time.

Your partner is a twat, and a controlling one at that.

Dd and u have always had weekends away just us. When I was with her dad, more when i was a single parent and even now I am married to DH.

I also do the odd girls weekend away.

Dh would never dream of stopping it, he knows what would happen if he tried!

Have your weekend and then make plans to kick the lazy sod out.

Yes, @FKAT, it's poor parenting tbh.

because I try to make sure he’s happy with what I pick but every choice is ultimately met with negativity, without an alternative being suggested.

He thinks that I think he’s expendable and that it’s not important to me whether he’s there or not

There seems to be a bit of a disconnect here.

Why are you doing all the slog for no reward?

I'd absolutely have a very clear conversation about what a fun sponge he is being and how unfair that is to you and DD, who deserve to go away and have fun.

It's one thing to have anxiety and depression, it's quite another to want to sulk and spoil everyone else's holidays.

Hope he sees the sense of that.

I go away for weekends with my dd and friends all the time. Even done a week abroad a few times too. My dh isn't to keen and he'd rather stay at home with the dogs. That's absolutely fine, but if he doesn't want to go, that doesn't mean I can't go with our dd. We do things we both enjoy together, he does things on his own that I'm not keen on, and vice versa. In my eyes it's a healthy dynamic that works for us.

Your dp is entitled not to do things he doesn't want to do, same as you, but he shouldn't be trying to emotionally blackmail you into no going. That's controlling and bordering on potentially abusive behaviour

I go away a lot without DH, I’m a teacher so I have a lot more holiday and every summer DD and I go away on our own little adventure sometimes in the UK, sometimes abroad. Usually something DH isn’t bothered about doing - last year we went to Paris for the paralympics, year before we Road tripped to the other end of the country and visited my elderly aunt. DH is always welcome to come, but sometimes he can’t, and sometimes it’s just not something he fancies

. Your DH shouldn’t be stopping you and your DD from enjoying yourselves just because he doesn’t want to do something, sometimes being a parent and a partner is about putting yourself out for the people you love, whether that means going with you or waving you off with a smile.

Exactly, @JustWalkingTheDogs , it's healthy to sometimes do your own things and let others do theirs. My DH and DS have a hobby that they like to do together, but I'm less interested in. If they want to do that for a weekend, great, they can enjoy themselves and I'll look after the dog.