Weekends away without partner - OK or not?

[HennyPenny42]

My partner is never very enthusiastic about going away/holidays. He does normally like them (ish) when he’s there and in retrospect too - but the planning and pre-holiday part he hates and is never keen, let alone enthusiastic, about the idea. And it’s not just all the admin that needs doing to book a trip that he hates, it’s the actual idea of being away itself. He struggles with anxiety and depression so I think he finds the whole thing very stressful. I normally find and book everything but doing so can be a bit of a a slog because I try to make sure he’s happy with what I pick but every choice is ultimately met with negativity, without an alternative being suggested.
Some friends of our recently suggested we go to London together - museums with kids, that kind of thing. I asked him about it and he said he didn’t want to go. Which I totally get, London isn’t everyone’s cup of tea (although I love it).
I then suggested that I take our dd and go without him, he can have a chilled weekend at home and me and dd can go to London.
He’s gotten really upset about it and said that I think he’s expendable and that it’s not important to me whether he’s there or not. I feel like I’m just giving him the opportunity to opt out of something he doesn’t want to do, while not missing out myself. He says we should try to plan something with our friends that everything wants to do (but didn’t have any ideas as to what he might like to do as an alternative). I feel like maybe we could try and find an alternative this time if our friends are up for it, but in the future I would also like to go away to places he doesn’t fancy going to without dragging him along - but he says although he often doesn’t want to go it would make him really sad to be left at home alone. Me personally, I’d love a weekend at home to myself and feel I’d be happy to let him and dd go off, with or without friends, if it was something I wasn’t keen on - so I’m finding hard to empathise.
I’m talking the odd weekend here not like our main family holiday.
Am I being harsh in suggesting he doesn’t come? Do you ever go away without your partner - beyond a ‘girls (or guys) holiday’?
P.S. I know this is very first world problems - just want to get some perspective!

I would go! And tell him he’s more than welcome to come- in fact a double room is usually the same cost as a single so you could always book a double and tell him the option is there if he wants to.

I’d also tell him you’re looking forward to the holiday he’s planning next and make it clear you’re happy to go wherever he wants to go!

Oh my god. Why should your dd miss out? He's being a total pain. I'd absolutely go and leave him to it for the weekend. He can stick the emotional blackmail.

We do this all the time without anyone minding - this thread has actually reminded me I booked a trip for me and the DCs that I haven't yet told dp about.

If he likes trips when he's there but gets stressed with the planning and you're doing all the planning anyway, why get him involved in all the stressful (for him) decisions? Just plan it and then when there say "this is what we're doing". But, yes, if he refuses to go then go without him. Him saying you can't is ridiculous.

He's being ridiculous. And to not even come up with an alternative - he sounds like a right wet blanket to not even be able to come up with something that he wants to do.

Be very careful OP. My friend gave into this sort of stuff and she has to drag her fun sponge OH along because he never wants her to go without him, with the now young adult DC let alone solo.

He's retired, she's dropped to semi- retired and she's not established a pattern of going away with or without dc. It's probably too deeply-entrenched to do so.

My (very traditional) friend has had to be very firm over the years and in her later years is reaping the benefits. The same for me. You do have to fight against this.

Plus - it's your friends who have suggested the London weekend so he can have a conversation himself with them and make alternative suggestions, can't he?

He sounds like bloody hard work

Irritating whiny little arse - how unattractive - not a chance is put up with that - I go away plenty without DH - he wouldn't dream of trying to stop me - positively encourages it if we can afford it!

We do separate trips sometimes for various reasons, with kids. Totally normal and he shouldn’t be trying to stop you going just. Excuses he doesn’t want to go!

Tell him you are going to London with DD, is he coming or not?

Tell him would be great to go away with friends, he can choose and book and you'll be happy to go.

I don’t think this is first world problems actually. I think you’re living with a selfish, controlling man which is going to affect what your daughter thinks is normal in a relationship. It isn’t healthy to expect you to always do things with him. His reaction to this weekend away thing is not emotionally healthy, and you’re being sucked into reasoning with the unreasonable.

Which makes me wonder what other problems there are in your marriage, and if this is what you want your life to be like.

It’s depressing that you’re even asking.

He is a self absorbed twat. He can’t have it both ways. Either he goes in good grace and tries to enjoy it or stays at home and sucks it up.

He cant insist on dragging you and your kid with him. I’m not sure I could tolerate this sort of behaviour.

I don't want it, but you can't have it either? Petulant and controlling.

Tell him you're booking London, the dates, go, and have fun, don't ruin it by feeling a knot of guilt, it's a useless emotion. It is good for you go stand your ground. It's excellent for your DD to see you do this. Think about what you're teaching her, she is watching.

He want's to go away now does he? Great, hand him the laptop, say you'll go wherever with pleasure, and he owes you a few. Don't spend the rest of your life at the mercy of his sulking. Please.

He's being ridiculous. I took my kids to London for a few days with a friend and her kids, neither of our DHs came. Kids wanted to do a bit of shopping and we went to a couple of the museums. We had a great time and my DH was very happy that we did. Your DH sounds sulky and clingy to be honest - does he really think you should not go because he doesn't want to go? Madness!

Omg he's a whiny cry baby! Why should you and your little one miss out. He sounds very selfish and self centred.

He'd rather his child miss out on a fun time they'd really enjoy, and brilliant memories of their childhood, than he simply stays at home alone for a few days as he doesn't fancy going?

What an absolute arsehole.

I hate to give this sort of answer, but I don’t think I could cope with this sort of thing in a relationship. Eventually it would just wear me down until I was miserable. It’s one thing if he prefers X and you prefer Y, that’s fine, you negotiate and accept differences, but the constant negativity and sulking could really affect my life.

He is trying to control you OP.

you do want you want to do.

Of course its ok to go away without him - you are married, not conjoined twins.

Absolutely not unreasonable of you! My husband struggles with anxiety sometimes and doesn't always fancy doing something. So I take my DD to do it anyway, we're not missing out! If it's something that's been booked and paid for (with his agreement beforehand) he'll come, but if it's a spontaneous thing he'll often opt out, and that's fine! No point him going if he's not going to enjoy it and that would then affect our enjoyment of it. Totally unreasonable of your partner to prevent you from going and having a lovely time.

Go without him. Don't let his choices stifle you. This is your one and only life so do the things that bring you joy and enhances your dds life.
I go to places without my partner all the time because he prefers to stay at home (he works long hours)
He'd never expect me or my dcs to miss out.

So he doesn't want to go but he doesn't want you to go? Does he realise that's controlling as he's basically saying no you can't go to London

Rarely have I seen such a unanimous vote. And yet the op has disappeared.

Yanbu op. He sounds dull, and controlling And sulky and not a very nice man at all.

Also I agree with the poster who said that it's very important you don't teach your daughter through your actions that a man gets to dictate the behaviour of the whole family. Really, really important.

Exactly.

God, he sounds like a self-centered, insecure man-baby.