To feel a bit put off that he’s buying a property elsewhere?

[Celia24]

My boyfriend of 14 months has talked about buying a property in his home country since we met. He claims it would be a holiday home and that they are much cheaper than property here. That said he’s had two opportunities to go house shopping while visiting family and he still hasn’t done it.

Anyway he started talking about it again including how his parents would look in on the property while he was away. He said he sees himself spending a month a year there and he views it as an asset.

He has also said he ‘can’t’ buy property in the UK due to restrictions. He is going to get his citizenship this year so I’m not sure why that would be the case. He also has a stable long term career here.

I want to plan our future together but I don’t know how that’s going to be possible if he never wants to buy a house in the UK. How to bring it up?

Have you spoken about your future in general terms?

@StormingNorman not in detail.

We both want to have kids and lately he has been bringing that topic up more. But we haven’t discussed other details yet.

I own my home in the UK fyi.

Tell him to go ahead and buy one if he wants but, whatever you do, do not put any of your own money into the venture.

@Thebogopogopanpacificgrandprix oh I definitely won’t and he wouldn’t ask me to.

he’s a bit of a dreamer and even at Xmas he could’ve been looking at places but didn’t.

It sounds daft but I get stressed when he starts talking about his future house purchase. I think I am concerned that he isn’t thinking much of our future together.

Where is he from? Are you sure his parents aren't looking for a wife for him?

I think there’s lots of scope to say I’m getting mixed messages here- you’ve brought up kids a few times but you’ve also said you plan on spending a month a year at a house you’re buying in your home country. Im not interested in being a solo parent a month a year because it suits you, nor am I interested in having kids with someone who wants to take them away without me or spend all their annual leave in their home country every year. To be honest even without kids if that is your plan for all of your annual leave I’m clearly not a priority, so what would you do if you were me?

Ask him how he sees your relationship moving forward. Not so you can just melt into that but so you can decide if it matches what you want in life.

But I’m not getting good vibes. Hard to think his I’m not allowed to buy a house here is anything but bullshit.

I don't know the ins and outs but my neighbour's daughter is in a relationship with a bloke from the Netherlands and they mentioned previously to me that he is unable to buy a place in the U.K. post Brexit because of restrictions.

He isn’t from the Netherlands but a Scandi country. He has said before it’s Brexit related.

but surely this wouldn’t be an issue after he gets citizenship? I know none of us here are lawyers!

Definitely not. They’re very supportive of our relationship.

It sounds like you need to have a talk about clear intentions with him.

I also think it odd he’d spend money on a place he’d be staying in for a month each year.

instead of a place he lives in year around. Because then I’m thinking, well where would we live together?

If he is talking about buying a summer house place by the water in a Scandinavian country, I would be excited, what a fabulous place to spend holidays! But I can understand your concerns about the impact on you buying a place together.

He is, basically. But I do think he is keeping one foot in the door of his home country.

also by buying it he’s sort of deciding where we’d spending holidays and I like variety, being able to go different places,etc

of course you’re right, I’m sure it would be nice place in summer!

The more you say, the more it sounds like he is planning to stay invested in his home country.
Is it one you could enjoy?

You need to have the conversation about what your future looks like. whats the timeline on moving in together, does he envision living in your house here or renting together, when does he want to have children?

At the moment it’s all a bit vague and abstract, and you are thinking about the details. He may not be ready to commit financially or make joint financial decisions which is what you seem to be expecting.

Get on the same page and go from there.

It’s meant to be one of the happiest countries in Europe so it’s possible but I haven’t spent enough time there to decide and have a life here too.

I think he’s being idealistic because his UK job is permanent unless he leaves the profession.

could it be that as you own a place he doesn’t feel the pressure to buy I UK? Also if he is a dreamer he probably just has got something in his head but hasn’t thought it through. Maybe his parents mentioned some sort of cheap deals.
Sit him and ask him where these children, he was talking about, going to live and what are his plans in general?

Is he living for free on your house? I'd normally say marriage before children but in your case I would be making very sure that he had no legal claim on your house or I wouldn't be marrying him. Personally, I loathe men who are "dreamers". Day to day, a man with grip on reality and a grasp on detail is infinitely preferable. His parents may be supportive because you take the dreamer off their hands.

It's very common in Sweden certainly to have a summer house so that bit is not odd. They swap between that and main house. What is odd is planning to buy the summer house before he buys the main house!

Lots of men talk about kids as a nice idea, a day dream with no intention of making it a reality. I would pin him to the mast on facts. Does he see a future with you, if so what country would he settle in, when is he planning to buy his main house and where? So many men just choose an easy life and will float through life with you until they are ready to move onto the next thing. My friend's bf did this - 5 years together and he's moved back to his home country of Switzerland. Never bought a house in the UK or made any moves to settle here which should have been the clue. She can't move there because her industry is in London and she owns her home here. He too talked about kids a lot but no concrete plans. He's now back in Switzerland and she's left devastated because they were working to different futures, he just didn't bother telling her.

Whatever your bf's plans, it's definitely not a resounding yes to staying in the UK. And you're right, he isn't thinking about your future together. But don't let him float at your expense, get him to be truthful about where and how he imagines his future. If he can forward plan a summer house, he can forward plan your relationship.

I don't see this as a bad thing - my dad retired to a European country 10 years ago and 7 years ago I bought a house there as an investment. I now own it outright with no mortgage and my dad lives there rent free. I couldn't afford to buy in England at the time and houses where I bought are incredibly cheap in comparison. I've been with my partner for 17 years and he had no issue with it.

Can he afford a mortgage as well as his rent in the UK or would he be buying it outright.

I'm hearing that somehow, without actually saying it, he thinks/presumes you will be providing the secure roof over his head in the UK. He will buy a house abroad for a holiday home, and what? Rent it out for an income? Leave it empty?
Do you live together?
Will he save towards your maternity leave?
Marry?
Dreamers are great, the world needs dreamers. It also needs planners.

I would be concerned about my future too @Celia24

All I’m really hearing here is a lack of communication.