To feel a bit put off that he’s buying a property elsewhere?

[Celia24]

My boyfriend of 14 months has talked about buying a property in his home country since we met. He claims it would be a holiday home and that they are much cheaper than property here. That said he’s had two opportunities to go house shopping while visiting family and he still hasn’t done it.

Anyway he started talking about it again including how his parents would look in on the property while he was away. He said he sees himself spending a month a year there and he views it as an asset.

He has also said he ‘can’t’ buy property in the UK due to restrictions. He is going to get his citizenship this year so I’m not sure why that would be the case. He also has a stable long term career here.

I want to plan our future together but I don’t know how that’s going to be possible if he never wants to buy a house in the UK. How to bring it up?

I know many Scandinavians who have second properties and who often go to spend a good month there in the summer. It's quite normal in those cultures and the second property isn't anything fancy but is more like a cabin type thing, fairly basic. Probably not that expensive. I don't see how this is so incompatible with kids ? Summers in a cabin would be fun?
Why don't you ask him what sort of property it is, what sort of frequency he thinks he'll go there and how he thinks this will work for both you if you have a family and future together ?

I'm with you OP. There are plenty airbnbs to rent in all Scandinavian countries so you could go on holidays without having to actually buy a house. That's just weird. Unless he is a multimillionaire and money's not an issue?

But like you said: he has basically decided where he wants to spend all his holidays which isn't fair to you. I like Denmark well enough but I would not want to spend one month a year if that meant going nowhere else. It is a red flag that he's thinking what he wants to do and not what you would want to do. Maybe he wants to move back in the future? You need to clear this out with him..

The thing is that you can't plan a future with someone else on your own. All you can do with this man is watch what he does. At the moment he doesn't seem to be in a position to want to make a commitment. Does he live in your house? What kind of shared life do you have at the moment?

When one partner is from another country, it is very normal to spend most holidays there.

Before you have kids or marry him or make any major life plans with him you need to have the discussion.

A quick goggle says that you just need the right visa to buy UK property, either as a home or a rental investment (no visa required), plus the usual money laundering and other financial checks. This can be either a family or employment visa. A permanent job in the UK suggests that OP's partner will meet this requirement.

What post Brexit obstacles then?🤔

This is very common in some Scandi countries. Summer holidays (up to a month) often spent in a holiday house in the countryside or by the sea. It's rarely ever considered as a primary home though and many of them can't be stayed in in during winter, unless its got modern facilities.

That second/holiday home is an aspirational thing. It's the type of thing that starts long conversations in every circle of friends, family, colleagues; where is the second home, how lovely the holiday there was etc.

Speaking as an expat-Scandi person.

Understand your need to want to see other places though. I wouldn't want to have a second home, it's too much upkeep and I like holiday variation, but a lot of Scandi people love it and want to spend every year there, for several weeks.

So buying a property that will be in part-time use. Denying a local person a year round home.

Not good.

You clearly need to talk about the future and what your joint plans are.

I'm in your partner's situation, I'm Scandi living in the UK and have bought a house back home. When you marry a foreigner you need to accept that their home and roots are elsewhere, and as such you're likely to spend most your holidays there. If you don't like the sound of that, don't marry a foreigner. Buying a house back home was really important to me, something I saved for for many years. Having children made it even more important to have a stronger connection and a place of my own.

How much annual leave does he get per year? If he stays at his house for a month, would he have much time left for holidays with you? Do you want to always be holidaying in his home country? Would he be leaving you on your own for a month coping with childcare/work/life while he went home for a month? All questions you have to consider, plus the expense of maintaining a second property over the years.

He doesn't need to buy a uk house. You have one. Red flags a rama.

It's very common accross vontinent and it's often houses which are specifically for that purpose, eg not all year habitable, too far from any jobs etc. Often in families for generations and as families merge, some get sold off.
Ours is absolutely not habitable in winter for example. Nor was the sold off one.

Yes OP's comment about not wanting to spend every holiday there jumped out at me too. My experience growing up with a parent from elsewhere is we spent every holiday there. This will be especially true if you have children and he wants them to bond with his family.

‘Billy Bob, my goal is to own a house here in the UK with my long-term partner. If this isn’t your goal, then it looks like we’re incompatible.’

Saying that, you need to investigate the validity behind these ‘restrictions’ on him buying a house here – are they bullshit or is it true? If he’s not going to give you the time of day in discussing it, then he’s not the one for you and I wouldn’t waste your time.

It’s fine to chat on Mumsnet about this OP but the most striking thing is how little communication there is between you and the man you are contemplating marriage and children with. This is all stuff the two of you should be mulling over together.

He wants to have a place in his home country. Maybe he sees himself living there permanently one day or even just likes the idea of having his own base there for when he has a family.

if you own your own home in the uk maybe he doesn’t see the rush to buy one too as if you’re going to end up serious together, one property in each country makes more sense than two in the uk.

He has a plan. Move in with you, have kids, Get married. He can then have half your house if you divorce.

Do not be his ticket to citizenship by having a child.

Anyone can buy a property in the UK so long as they are not on a sanctions list. It is in fact one of the easiest jurisdictions in the world to buy property which is why London is a hotspot for money laundering. Buying a property with the intention to live in it full time without the required visa is one thing, but that does not prevent anyone from buying property per se.

But I think it's entirely natural that he wants to keep one foot in the door of his home country. You can't expect him to close the door on his heritage and past. He will have very strong place attachment and will always see this country as home. You shouldn't feel threatened by that.
As for holidays, if he's living in the UK, yes he'll want to spend holidays there. It's just how it is. He probably has family there he wants to spend quality time with. Even if he doesn't, he'll just feel homesick. Imagine if you lived abroad, you'd very likely want to spend holidays in the UK to see friends and family and you would miss your home country.
I say all this as someone who's married an immigrant. Yes he has a property there and it's important to him. Yes we spend holidays there. Yes he gets very homesick and dreams of returning to his country. This has caused tension between us over the years, but we've decided to raise our kids in the UK and maybe retire in his home country.
We have long holidays there in the summer and Easter but during half terms we visit other places as I like variety too. I wouldn't limit his time in his home country because I know how homesick he is. Sometimes he goes there without me which is fine with me.
I just want to warn you of how life is when you marry an immigrant. He will always have that pull to his home country and it's not something you can fight against. It's likely to cause tension but it's also perfectly possible to have a great relationship.

This is an important issue.

You are looking at a long term relationship with someone from another country. Of course they will want holidays back in their home country, and if you have children he may well want to take them back for a good amount of time to connect with his family and culture.

If you're not up for this it is also part of the conversation you need to have with him. You need a good talk together asap. I'm not sure you're on the same page, and if you can't talk about it then it's not looking good.

Exactly, and this shouldn't be seen as a negative. Our kids spend their summers in DH's home country, and it's been wonderful. The kids have dual citizenship and are EU citizens. When they're older they'll be able to live anywhere in the EU. They both wabt to move to DH's country! They love their summers abroad, hanging out with grandparents and cousins.
We do have holidays in other places too but you can't resent him for wanting to spend time in his country.

Could it be that he wants to buy his parents a house and he’s disguising it as a holiday home? The comment of the parents taking care of the house raised some suspicions.

It was after the referendum but pre-Brexit when we were looking at houses. We had to delay the timing of our purchase because the mortgage companies wanted five years of UK residence if my husband would be on the mortgage. So it is possible that there are additional hoops for him to jump through to be able to buy a UK house.

Although I agree with pp that you need to think about the realities of having a relationship, and possibly children, with an immigrant are. Work out what your boundaries/future plans are and then discuss with him what his boundaries and plans are.

If it is a summerhouse or holiday apartment, both of whch are very common in Scandinavia, this type of property is specifically designed to be short-term, holiday accommodation. It is not usually permitted to live in this type of property for more than a certain number of days a year - i.e. not all year round - and as such, these properties are not part of the general housing stock. So buying this type of property does not deny a local person a year round home. Housing for local residents is protected - i.e properties classed as "residential" homes cannot be bought and used as part-time holiday homes, or rented out as airbnb rentals etc.

This way of managing the housing market and ensuring that there are affordable properties for local residents is found in Scandinavia and in many other popular holiday locations such as the Alps and around the Mediterranean. It provides a model that the UK could copy in places such as Cornwall and Wales, and in London, Edinburgh and other popular destinations - but the screams from the landlords and right-wing press would drown out any sensible debate.

You aren’t married. Let the poor man buy his investment property in his home country. If this was a woman coming on here saying she wanted to invest in a home in her home country for her family to also use and her partner was telling her she wasn’t allowed because she needed to put that money only in property with his name on it, people would be telling her to hide her money and run!

Being an immigrant myself, I can totally see the appeal of buying property ‘at home’ and especially if it’s a close flight and he is close to his family, it seems a totally reasonable thing to do. And it’s his money! You aren’t married. You don’t have children. You don’t get to dictate how he spends his money if you aren’t funding it.

Fwiw I’d love a scandi house by the lake with a sauna. I’ve looked into buying one myself. It’s much more than a property, it’s part of his culture and family tradition. As long as he is carrying his weight financially, I think you need to embrace it if this is a relationship you want to invest in long term.