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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit put off that he’s buying a property elsewhere?

76 replies

Celia24 · 18/01/2025 23:44

My boyfriend of 14 months has talked about buying a property in his home country since we met. He claims it would be a holiday home and that they are much cheaper than property here. That said he’s had two opportunities to go house shopping while visiting family and he still hasn’t done it.

Anyway he started talking about it again including how his parents would look in on the property while he was away. He said he sees himself spending a month a year there and he views it as an asset.

He has also said he ‘can’t’ buy property in the UK due to restrictions. He is going to get his citizenship this year so I’m not sure why that would be the case. He also has a stable long term career here.

I want to plan our future together but I don’t know how that’s going to be possible if he never wants to buy a house in the UK. How to bring it up?

OP posts:
Mauro711 · 19/01/2025 09:37

I’m Swedish and yes, having a cabin by a lake somewhere is very common and people tend to spend a month or so in the summer there and then lock it up for the winter months, unless it’s near ski slopes. They can be as cheap as £20-30k so you definitely don’t have to be a multimillionaire to buy one, unless you want a big house on an island outside Stockholm. You can also rent it out when you’re not there.

Snowmanscarf · 19/01/2025 09:38

Is he planning to move in with you… (potential cocklodger alert).

SoupDragon · 19/01/2025 09:43

Snowmanscarf · 19/01/2025 09:38

Is he planning to move in with you… (potential cocklodger alert).

Why is a man who is moving in with a woman always a potential "cocklodger"? The accusation is never made when it's the other way round.

SallyWD · 19/01/2025 09:44

SoupDragon · 19/01/2025 09:43

Why is a man who is moving in with a woman always a potential "cocklodger"? The accusation is never made when it's the other way round.

Show quote history

Indeed. I'm getting a bit sick of the double standards on Mumsnet.

Mauro711 · 19/01/2025 09:45

Celia24 · 19/01/2025 00:26

He is, basically. But I do think he is keeping one foot in the door of his home country.

also by buying it he’s sort of deciding where we’d spending holidays and I like variety, being able to go different places,etc

of course you’re right, I’m sure it would be nice place in summer!

Show quote history

Of course he’s keeping one foot in his home country, the majority of is who leave our home countries do. You make it sound as if he’s got some cunning plan, to me he sounds quite open. Our heritage doesn’t change just because we live somewhere else and it would be completely unreasonable to think he would just become fully British just because he’s lived there for a few years and works there. You need to be prepared for having multiple discussions over the years about which country to live in and to potentially move to his country if you are going to be in a long-term relationship with him. Especially if you end up having kids, everything changes then and you become more nostalgic.

incognito50me · 19/01/2025 09:45

You should definitely talk to him, but this sort of situation doesn't sound worrying to me and, in fact, sounds very common to those of us who come from one place and live in another.

My home country is county A. Mediterranean, much cheaper than the country I settled in, country B. My parents have a summer house in country A, which I knew I would one day inherit (and, as my dad passed away last summer, I now co-own with my mom). My husband - from country C - has always known this, and every summer vacation is spent in country A, now with DD. If this hadn't been my situation, I would have planned to buy a summer house there (country A), as it's much cheaper than real estate here (country B). I would have been able to afford it ten years ago, whereas we only bought a place in country B last year (had enough funds, got citizenship). We plan to split our time between country A and country B in retirement, if everything goes well.

From my perspective, there is nothing scary about your BF's plan. The fact that he hasn't started looking yet might mean that he's disorganized or that it's a long term plan for him. He probably enjoys spending time with family and friends on his vacation more than he does house hunting (I know I do!).

You should think about what this means for you. Do you want to spend time in his home country? For your children to speak his language? Are you ready for a life with someone from another culture? This was a nonnegotiable for me; DH knew I would spend my summers with my parents in country A, and I would be happy for him to come along, but I wasn't flexible on that point. DD speaks my mother tongue and has/had a fabulous relationship with my parents and grandmother in country A, not least because she spends a fair amount of time there.

Spirallingdownwards · 19/01/2025 09:50

It is very common in some Scandanavian countries to have a home and then a summer home in the archipelago. I suspect it doesn't seem odd to him. Does he live with you in the home you own? If he can't buy here then it does seem sensible for him to invest in that type of property (which would be a normal thing where he is from). It is also more normal for the family to decamp to the summer home for the summer too. To him what he is planning doesn't seem odd but just normal.

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 19/01/2025 10:06

I would love to have children that had an alternative nationality opportunity in a thriving happy Scandi country!

GreyAreas · 19/01/2025 10:08

I think his life goals sound great. They are not that fixed and it might not work out that way. You of course will continue to decide if they are compatible with yours. I do think some flex to his wish to maintain ties to his home country would be a necessary compromise, and frequent holidays there would be wonderful for any future kids.

RoseChinaMug · 19/01/2025 10:23

I wouldn’t think of having children with him, or you might find them living in his new house with him and not you.
Definitely think carefully about your involvement

Nothatgingerpirate · 19/01/2025 10:34

Nah, OP.
Not good enough, sorry.
As a wise PP said, men who are "dreamers" are also a bit loathsome.
😕

Ponoka7 · 19/01/2025 10:34

Celia24 · 19/01/2025 00:32

It’s meant to be one of the happiest countries in Europe so it’s possible but I haven’t spent enough time there to decide and have a life here too.

I think he’s being idealistic because his UK job is permanent unless he leaves the profession.

Edited
Show quote history

Given the location, I think that you need to visit and as said, have a full conversation about the future. If you want children, I can see the appeal of bringing them up there. However having a duel nationality child and depending on the child law, then ties you to that country, or a life away from your child.

StormingNorman · 19/01/2025 12:00

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 19/01/2025 08:56

He has a plan. Move in with you, have kids, Get married. He can then have half your house if you divorce.

Do not be his ticket to citizenship by having a child.

He’s not a romance scammer 😂

Poppins21 · 19/01/2025 12:04

Celia24 · 19/01/2025 00:15

I also think it odd he’d spend money on a place he’d be staying in for a month each year.

instead of a place he lives in year around. Because then I’m thinking, well where would we live together?

If he is from a scandi country he may want to bring his kids up there- have you discussed moving back to his home country in
the future?

Poppins21 · 19/01/2025 12:07

Mauro711 · 19/01/2025 09:37

I’m Swedish and yes, having a cabin by a lake somewhere is very common and people tend to spend a month or so in the summer there and then lock it up for the winter months, unless it’s near ski slopes. They can be as cheap as £20-30k so you definitely don’t have to be a multimillionaire to buy one, unless you want a big house on an island outside Stockholm. You can also rent it out when you’re not there.

Yes we have a summer cabin it’s just so common in Scandinavia

Poppins21 · 19/01/2025 12:10

LlynTegid · 19/01/2025 07:32

So buying a property that will be in part-time use. Denying a local person a year round home.

Not good.

The majority of people in Scandinavia have a summer cabin it is very much part of the culture. Often they don’t have running water or heating and can’t be lived in year round.

Poppins21 · 19/01/2025 12:11

BillyNoProblems · 19/01/2025 07:35

You clearly need to talk about the future and what your joint plans are.

I'm in your partner's situation, I'm Scandi living in the UK and have bought a house back home. When you marry a foreigner you need to accept that their home and roots are elsewhere, and as such you're likely to spend most your holidays there. If you don't like the sound of that, don't marry a foreigner. Buying a house back home was really important to me, something I saved for for many years. Having children made it even more important to have a stronger connection and a place of my own.

This exactly being Danish is part of who he is. If you don’t like it, he isn’t the man for you.

Original poster
Celia24 · 19/01/2025 12:17

As some PPs suggested, it is a holiday home only that is only suitable for holidaying. A special sort of house there apparently.

just wanted to clarify!

OP posts:
Original poster
Celia24 · 19/01/2025 12:23

We haven’t discussed where we would raise kids in detail. But he does go on about how great the schools are in his country. My own preference would be to stay here in the UK.

Part of my reasoning is that I am only child and I assume my parents will need my help as they age. My partner’s brother and family already live near his parents. I am also close to my family.

that said, I know Denmark isn’t too far away. Right now I haven’t spent enough time in the country to be able to make that kind of decision.

OP posts:
MangoAndMelon · 19/01/2025 12:26

You might want to clearly discuss future. This is whatmany international couples fail to do and then it turns into shitshow because no one thought to discuss place to live/languages/religion/traditions etc. with "when the time comes" mindset. The time comes and they found out their ideas fundamental differ. It's very important to know where people stand and if both can be happy with it

Original poster
Celia24 · 19/01/2025 12:31

@MangoAndMelon i can see why.

part of the reason I haven’t raised it yet is because I thought 14 months is possibly too soon so plan everything out.

as I said before he’s in no position to live in his home country because his career is here for the foreseeable. That might change later so I suppose I need to find out how keen he is to move back and how willing I am to uproot my life in a big way.

OP posts:
Agapornis · 19/01/2025 13:23

Do you know much about Scandinavian holiday home culture? Swedish hemester, Danish sommerhuse, Norwegian cabins. I think you need to gain some understanding there. It doesn't mean he's not committed to living in the UK.

Not sure what the post Brexit restrictions refer to on house buying. I'm from Northern Europe, have settled status and bought in 2022. It wasn't mentioned by solicitors or the mortgage provider.

Zonder · 19/01/2025 13:32

14 months may feel short but you don't want to get more involved and find out you are really on different pages.

YourChicShark · 19/01/2025 13:36

@Celia24 I live in Denmark and many, many Danes have a 'summer cottage.' Some are very simple cabins (often generations old), while others are much grander but the general rule is that people are not allowed to live in them full-time until after they retire. It's also very common for families to rent them out when they are not using them.

I could imagine that your partner has had a Danish 'sommerhus' childhood and is perhaps envisaging that for your children, so perhaps that's why he's thinking about it now? But you definitely need to have a conversation with him about it if that's not how you see your summers in the future! At the same time, your children will be half-Danish and he will want them to be connected to his homeland and this could be a way to do that.

Happy to answer more questions about Danish summer house culture if I can!

Poppins21 · 19/01/2025 13:43

Celia24 · 19/01/2025 12:23

We haven’t discussed where we would raise kids in detail. But he does go on about how great the schools are in his country. My own preference would be to stay here in the UK.

Part of my reasoning is that I am only child and I assume my parents will need my help as they age. My partner’s brother and family already live near his parents. I am also close to my family.

that said, I know Denmark isn’t too far away. Right now I haven’t spent enough time in the country to be able to make that kind of decision.

Edited

We moved to Sweden when our daughter was a few weeks old- we are both Brits. Currently in Belgium for DH career for 3 years and we will be going home to Scandinavia, when his contract returned to remote work. There is absolutely no comparison to what we can offer our daughter there compared to the uk. We have kept our house in Sweden and will be spending our summers there with our boat that is kept at the little local marina. It was the perfect place to raise a child for us so I would imagine your boyfriend would want that summer ideal for your kids. Not saying who is right or wrong just you need to discuss it.