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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family complaining about PDA

53 replies

Oringly · 17/01/2025 16:42

My dd is in her mid-20s, she’s been with her boyfriend for 3 years and they are here visiting for a few weeks (live abroad).

We have spent a lot of time with family while they are here, my sister and her husband and my parents have been with us often and extended family too over weekends.

Anyway, my family can be quite reserved, my parents never hug or kiss around us, don’t really hold hands etc. I guess DH and I are less extreme but similar (I don’t hold his hand ever but we do hug/kiss on the check goodbye). On the flip my dd and her partner are quite affectionate with each other. Sometimes if they are passing each other in the kitchen or something they will kiss (peck on the cheek or lips), they always hold hands if out walking together and they will cuddle on the sofa if we are all watching a film and sometimes during the film he will kiss her forehead or similar. In restaurants it seems pretty common for her boyfriend to just rest his hand on her leg if he isn’t eating. I haven’t seen this but apparently when they drive my parents home dd will put her hand on his leg.

Now none of it bothers me, they are just being affectionate but my parents, sister and my mums brother have now all complained to me and said I should ask them to stop as it’s inappropriate and not something adults who have been together for years should do. I’ve suggested that if they really have an issue with it they bring it up themselves but I’m not going to say anything as I think it’s fine.

AIBU to think my family are being weird about it? It’s not excessive and I don’t want to say anything to dd that will make her or her boyfriend feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
TheFlis · 17/01/2025 16:44

I thought you were going to talk about full on snogging or something? Who can possibly be offended by seeing a kiss on the cheek or hand on a leg!?

crumblingschools · 17/01/2025 16:45

As long as they are not full on snogging or groping in front of everyone there shouldn’t be a problem

Tagyoureit · 17/01/2025 16:45

Your family need to remove the rods from their arses!

Your DD's relationship sounds happy and healthy so do not put their problems on her.

balletflats · 17/01/2025 16:45

Maybe they don't get a lift with your DD's boyfriend if they don't like how these two young adults behave in their own car? Sounds like your family haven't noticed that your children are grown-up now and you can't tell them what to do.

username299 · 17/01/2025 16:46

Are your family from American Gothic? They're being ridiculous. Just ignore them.

Gggglinda · 17/01/2025 16:46

YANBU. Don't get involved. This wouldn't bother me, infact I'd be happy my granddaughter was in a happy, healthy, loving relationship. It's not like they're dry humping on the sofa. They need to get a life and get over it.

ScupperedbytheSea · 17/01/2025 16:47

Yes your family are being weird.
It's hardly like they're groping each other in public.
You should tell them that it's absolutely none of their concern. She's an adult.

Bogginsthe3rd · 17/01/2025 16:48

Penis in vagina at coffee table too much but otherwise seems ok

MaggieBsBoat · 17/01/2025 16:50

Wow. Your parents and family are seriously „reserved“. Just ignore. What your DD and her boyfriend are doing is totally within the realms of normal! Shaming them for it will be very counterproductive.

Nogaxeh · 17/01/2025 16:51

I think it is very sad and almost unbearably tragic that your family should believe your DD is behaving inappropriately.

I remember once being out with a then partner somewhere, and they did something cute like ruffle my hair, and I happened to look up and there was a friend I knew in the distance who caught my eye and she was beaming to see the two of us enjoying being together. That's the sort of reaction normal well-adjusted people would have to seeing two other people enjoying each other's company.

NotVeryFunny · 17/01/2025 16:54

Your family are the ones with the problem here. Not your daughter and partner who sound lovely. I would tell your family to butt out and deal with their own insecurities, not put them onto others. Certainly don't tell them to mention it to your daughter!

DisforDarkChocolate · 17/01/2025 16:54

Honestly I was expecting a lot more affection for people to complain. I do all those things, it's lovely.

biscuitsandbooks · 17/01/2025 16:55

Your family need to get a bloody grip.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 17/01/2025 16:56

I think it's lovely to see your child and their partner being affectionate. God knows there are enough bad relationships around. It's heart warming to see a couple who love each other.

WinterSun20 · 17/01/2025 16:59

Wow, your family are unusually reserved! None of that even sounds like in-your-face PDA. Just normal affection between a couple. I've been with my dh 20 years and we do all that you described. I'd understand if they were getting hot and heavy with each other, but this is all tame stuff that I don't even think my brain would register! Def don't mention it to you dd and if your smoky have an ounce of sense, they won't either.

MilitantFawcett · 17/01/2025 17:00

I’ve been with DP for 28 years - we hold hands, cuddle on the sofa and I rest my hand on his leg when he’s driving. I’m secretly rather thrilled that someone thinks we’re being outrageous 🤣

Knowitall69 · 17/01/2025 17:27

Bogginsthe3rd · 17/01/2025 16:48

Penis in vagina at coffee table too much but otherwise seems ok

Absolute genius!!

mitogoshigg · 17/01/2025 17:29

They are the ones with a problem, they need to lighten up.

ItGhoul · 17/01/2025 17:48

Now none of it bothers me, they are just being affectionate but my parents, sister and my mums brother have now all complained to me and said I should ask them to stop as it’s inappropriate and not something adults who have been together for years should do

Your family sound insane, frankly. They're getting stressed about two adults holding hands because they've been together for three years? Losing their shit over a bloke putting his hand on his partner's leg?

I often put my hand on DP's leg when we're sitting next to each other at the cinema or in the pub or whatever. He also quite often puts his arm over my shoulders. We're 48 and 55 and we've been together nearly 22 years, so your family would think we were absolute deviants.

GrandmotherStillLearning · 17/01/2025 17:50

Oringly · 17/01/2025 16:42

My dd is in her mid-20s, she’s been with her boyfriend for 3 years and they are here visiting for a few weeks (live abroad).

We have spent a lot of time with family while they are here, my sister and her husband and my parents have been with us often and extended family too over weekends.

Anyway, my family can be quite reserved, my parents never hug or kiss around us, don’t really hold hands etc. I guess DH and I are less extreme but similar (I don’t hold his hand ever but we do hug/kiss on the check goodbye). On the flip my dd and her partner are quite affectionate with each other. Sometimes if they are passing each other in the kitchen or something they will kiss (peck on the cheek or lips), they always hold hands if out walking together and they will cuddle on the sofa if we are all watching a film and sometimes during the film he will kiss her forehead or similar. In restaurants it seems pretty common for her boyfriend to just rest his hand on her leg if he isn’t eating. I haven’t seen this but apparently when they drive my parents home dd will put her hand on his leg.

Now none of it bothers me, they are just being affectionate but my parents, sister and my mums brother have now all complained to me and said I should ask them to stop as it’s inappropriate and not something adults who have been together for years should do. I’ve suggested that if they really have an issue with it they bring it up themselves but I’m not going to say anything as I think it’s fine.

AIBU to think my family are being weird about it? It’s not excessive and I don’t want to say anything to dd that will make her or her boyfriend feel uncomfortable.

How wonderful to hear of your daughters relationship ❤️ sounds one I'd like one day.

myplace · 17/01/2025 17:51

I suspect there’s an element of jealousy. DM met DS’s GF recently and complained that she was needy, because she tended to have a hand on him or lean on him at all times. But she didn’t know any of us, so fair enough.

Bob02 · 17/01/2025 17:55

They are adults. They can do as they please. They aren't shagging or fondling each other. Tell you family that they aren't actually doing anything inappropriate or indecent. If the don't like it maybe they need to visit less.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 17/01/2025 17:58

Tell your family that if they have a problem with your adult DD they need to address it with her themselves as she is an adult and therefore not under your control. I imagine they won't, or if they do your DD will cut down on the PDAs but those relatives will be seeing a lot less of her and her boyfriend.

ThejoyofNC · 17/01/2025 17:58

I hate PDA, but a peck on the lips or a hand on the thigh certainly don't qualify in my opinion.

MissDoubleU · 17/01/2025 18:01

This is the level of PDA my children have to see from me and my DP on a daily basis. Completely PG and you’d have to be extremely repressed to find this basic affection weird.